Announcement to Uninvited Guests?

SingLoveDance

My fiance and I are going to be sitting down on Sunday to determine who will be inviting to our wedding so we can get ideas on number and budgets. I come from a large italian family and his family is fairly big as well. We really want (and can afford) a small wedding...hopefully around 120 people at most.

This means there are a lot of people we will not be able to invite. For my family we will probably only invite aunts/uncles and unfortunatly leave out cousins. My grandfather alone had 11 brothers/sisters and all have children. I grew up with them, but we aren't extremely close now. I would like to somehow announce we are getting married, or perhaps after we have gotten married.
 
Does this fit into the etiquette rules? Is it better to just leave it alone? Would sending out an announcment after we wed be rude to those who weren't invited?

I know it may be too early to make decisions on this, but I'd like to have a plan when we set up the list.

McKenna2012

I don't think it is polite to send announcements to people if they are not invited. Other than perhaps an engagement or wedding  announcement in the paper, I have never really understood the point of formal announcements.

Irishcurls

The point of a wedding announcement is to announce your wedding to those who are not invited, so it is not rude, even though it might feel a little strange. They should be mailed within a day or so of your getting married and are worded much like a formal invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Smith

are pleased to announce the marriage of their daughter

SingLoveDance

to

FI

Date

Place 

Edited because I'm not fully awake yet. 

brookelynpaisley

It's better to leave it alone. How would you feel if you got an announcement that said "we're having/had this momentous event in our lives, and there is/was a fabulous party after, but you didn't make the cut. Sorry Charlie." Yeah, that wouldn't go over well. Invite who you can and want to, and if anyone has the audacity to question you about whether they're invited, say "we're having/had a small wedding, and just aren't able to invite everyone, unfortunately. We'd love to see you for lunch/dinner/a night out before/after/ the wedding/next week, though." That is your new mantra. It's okay to not be able to host 500 people, and anyone who expects you to is clearly out of touch with reality.

I agree that an announcement in the local paper will suffice, because that's not directed at a particular person. Not to mention, if these are cousins you're talking about leaving off the list, I'm sure they'll hear it from other family members. It's fine to leave it that way.

SingLoveDance

Thanks! I'm glad I asked. I thought it may be in bad taste...but needed confirmation.

Happy Saturday women!!!

mkrupar

The whole point of wedding announcements is to announce your marriage to those that weren't invited. So no, it is not against etiquette to send them to those that weren't invited. Presumably these people wouldn't know you were married since they didn't get an invitation. The announcement is the confirmation that this marriage did, in fact, take place. It might feel strange since most etiquette advice is to not involve those that weren't invited, but in this instance it takes place after the wedding has already occured.

JanoBean75

I think announcements are okay if your wedding was super small (think 20 or less) or you eloped. But if you're having a decent-sized wedding of 100+ people, I'd skip the mailing and just do a newspaper announcement. My wedding had 60 guests. Those we couldn't invite heard about it through word of mouth.

Carlydl

I think announcements are fine if you mail them at the proper time and without registry info.  My dad is a prominent businessman (not to mention his dad before him and his dad before him) and was an ecclisiastical leader in our small town, so we have a LOT of friends and contacts that we can't afford to invite to the wedding.  So we will be sending out announcements to those friends and neighbors whom we can't afford (budget or spacewise). 

It also may depend on where you live; it' a pretty common thing in my area, so people wouldn't see it as out of the ordinary.

sklink0486

It's not in bad taste. It is actually very common. It would be strange getting something like that from a close relative though- like a first cousin. But I am sending them to extended relatives.

RebeccaB88

I would kinda feel like I wasn't good enough, if I got an annoucement after a larger wedding.  (120 isn't small to me, but it's not big either.) I think they're good if you elope, or have a very very small ceremony, or something like that.  But otherwise I'd kind of feel like the person was saying 'I got married, gimme stuff'.  I think best to just leave well enough alone. It sounds like you're going to have a trick getting your numbers where you need them to be as it is, you don't need any more stress.

bridezillatobe2009

Like previous posters said, it's to announce to those who were not in attendance. That being said, chances are your cousins will know since their parents (your aunts and uncles) were at the wedding.  I think in your circumstance I wouldn't send out the announcement since you're having a decent sized wedding

uagrad1993

Announcements are just that. To annonce you're married. The point of them is to send them to people who weren't invited. So, if you want people who weren't invited to the wedding to know you're married, send them. If you want them to hear it through word of mouth, don't.

badkittyct

120 will be tough if your families are big. My family is not large but FIs family is. I wanted to keep it under 100. His closest relatives are about 83 people. Our list is around 150 right now. I wish you much luck!

And yeah, I would hate to get an announcement that I wasn't invited to a wedding but let's rub it in your face that we got married and didn't invite you. Wahoo!

Beazilla

Announcements are polite and they're aren't gift-grabby. It's just a formal way to say "hey, we got married and thought you'd like to know." It is in no way rubbing it their face that they didn't get an invite, and there's no expectation for them to send a gift. It doesn't matter about the size of your wedding.

It would be nice to include a note saying that you'd like to meet up with them, but that's not always possible or ever going to happen. I have cousins whom I haven't seen since my grandmother's funeral 14 years ago (some of them didn't even make that), and whom I'm not planning on inviting to the wedding, but I'll still send them an announcement. They might hear about it from their parents and they might not, but it's still nice to let them know.

If all your family lives in the same town or city, then a newspaper announcement might suffice. However, if most people live around the country (or world), then a mailed announcement is a fine way to inform people you got married without relying on word-of-mouth.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_announcement-uninvited-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abeb1f34-da39-4f59-bf6a-5fdc69cb20a8Post:dfe9261b-5707-472b-88da-35b401a88594">Re: Announcement to Uninvited Guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think announcements are okay if your wedding was super small (think 20 or less) or you eloped. But if you're having a decent-sized wedding of 100+ people, I'd skip the mailing and just do a newspaper announcement. 
Posted by JanoBean75[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with this completely.  </div><div>
</div><div>While they are acceptable etiquette in this situation, I'm not a fan.  If they weren't close enough to be on a 100 person guest list, it really isn't that important that they know.  </div>

sklink0486

But it is important to stay in contact even with distant relatives or ones that don't make the "100" list. At least for some families. Maybe yours isn't like that, but mine is, and sounds like some of the people who previously posted who are sending announcements. It is nice because you're not only letting them know that you got married, but they will have your address too in case the one they have isn't current. Honestly, i think it's a little caddy to think that you should have been invited to a wedding when you receive an announcement. That's ridiculous and maybe the people who said that have never received one before. It usually comes from relatives that you aren't really close with (and both of you know that!)

wyney

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_announcement-uninvited-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abeb1f34-da39-4f59-bf6a-5fdc69cb20a8Post:6600d0b2-3d35-4856-a2a7-668727b4ad09">Re: Announcement to Uninvited Guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Announcement to Uninvited Guests? :  If they weren't close enough to be on a 100 person guest list, it really isn't that important that they know.  
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]


I don't agree.  I would like my cousins and aunts and uncles to know I was married, and I think an announcement is better than them finding out later or through facebook or something.

100 people may sound like a lot, but I don't think it's that big. That's about where ours is now.  If we stuck to our budget and invited the rest of our cousins and aunts and uncles, we'd have maybe 1, 2 tables of friends, including the WP.    Almost all of our friends are in serious relationships, which added an extra 25 people or so.

Also, I don't think of an announcement as taunting uninvited guests.  To say that, assumes that your wedding was some sort of event that people would be really disappointed to miss.  While it very well could have been a kick-ass party or the most moving ceremony in the history of man, you should not assume that everyone who was not will feel slighted (even if many do). 

I really find announcements to be announcements.  I have family I cannot afford to courtesy invite.  I don't see them much anymore.  I wasn't invited to their weddings.  But we're still on the same family tree, and I think they should know there's a new branch.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_announcement-uninvited-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abeb1f34-da39-4f59-bf6a-5fdc69cb20a8Post:bf71f066-20be-4707-87ba-1a42044e92c9">Re: Announcement to Uninvited Guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]But it is important to stay in contact even with distant relatives or ones that don't make the "100" list. At least for some families. Maybe yours isn't like that, but mine is, and sounds like some of the people who previously posted who are sending announcements. It is nice because you're not only letting them know that you got married, but they will have your address too in case the one they have isn't current. Honestly, i think it's a little caddy to think that you should have been invited to a wedding when you receive an announcement. That's ridiculous and maybe the people who said that have never received one before. It usually comes from relatives that you aren't really close with (and both of you know that!)
Posted by sklink0486[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Again, no.  If there were important enough that I feel the need to notify them, they would have been included on the wedding guestlist in the first place.  If they are distant enough that I don't care about leaving them out of the wedding, they aren't going to care.  It's completely different when the couple elopes or has a small wedding.  But when you're talking about 100+, it's obnoxious.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't see how it would be catty (or in your words, caddy) to expect to be invited if I'm close enough to get a notice.  If we aren't close enough for you to invite me to your medium-large wedding, we are not close enough that I care if you got married or not.  
</div>

sarah0725

I kind of feel like in the future, Facebook is going to replace the need for mailed announcements and even the newspaper. I can't think of the last time I looked at marriage announcements in a newspaper - if someone is trying to tell me about their marriage through those, I certainly haven't heard about it.

sklink0486

Oh please, you can't draw a line and say- 100 guests must include all of your "close" family. Everyone's family is different and in my family, it is important to stay in contact with one another, but maybe not attend everyone's wedding. 100 people (pretty much 50 for me and 50 for my fiance) only includes aunts, uncles, first cousins, and close friends for me. My fiance's mother and father each have 8 other siblings with at least like 5 children each! There's no way we could invite all of them, but do we want to completely loose touch with them? No.

jemmini6

As other PP's have pointed out, it's not against etiquette because that's the point of them.  I just personally don't like them.  To me it's saying, you weren't important enough to get invited, but I just wanted you to know that I got married in case you still want to send me a gift.