Invite/STD question

beautifulvice

My FI has a friend from his old job who's already told him that she won't be attending the wedding (she actually told him this before we set a date, so, of course, nothing like STDs or invites had gone out yet).

Is it rude not to send her a STD/invitation when the time comes?  She would have been invited had she not already made it clear that she's not coming, but we also never told her that she was going to be invited -- she simply took it upon herself to tell my FI that she wasn't going to attend.

(Just to clarify before anyone asks, her reasoning was being awkward in social situations etc.)

LeiselEB

If you were going to invite her anyway, just send her an invitation. You don't have to send her a STD if you don't want to. Her plans/reservations about social situations might change as it get closer to the wedding.

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitestd-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abfadbe6-e1d8-454e-9800-2c6f78f4a350Post:1fb0659f-0e2e-4b46-bae8-b70967839bad">Invite/STD question</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI has a friend from his old job who's already told him that she won't be attending the wedding (she actually told him this before we set a date, so, of course, nothing like STDs or invites had gone out yet). Is it rude not to send her a STD/invitation when the time comes?  She would have been invited had she not already made it clear that she's not coming, but <strong>we also never told her that she was going to be invited -- she simply took it upon herself to tell my FI that she wasn't going to attend</strong>. (Just to clarify before anyone asks, her reasoning was being awkward in social situations etc.)
Posted by beautifulvice[/QUOTE]

If this is the case, then I would say that it's totally fine to skip sending her an STD/Invite.

beautifulvice

Yeah, I know it's really bizarre.  Basically, her stance is that she doesn't 'do weddings'.  Frankly, I'm a little miffed on FI's behalf, simply because it's his friend who won't come to his wedding just because she doesn't 'do' them, not because of a reason that prevents her from coming (ie: money, the date, work, whatever else).

Would it be bad etiquette to have FI check in with her closer to the time that invites are going out to see if she's changed her mind and go from there?

HockeyFan4

I would send an invite and put a post it on it saying you understand her reason for not being able to attend, but know she is important to you and thought she might like to see it or something.

HockeyFan4

well it sounds like she doesn't "do weddings" because of anxiety issues....which is a real thing.

beautifulvice

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitestd-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abfadbe6-e1d8-454e-9800-2c6f78f4a350Post:d3e341e9-07f8-4622-bb05-5c6a935893c7">Re: Invite/STD question</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I know it's really bizarre.  <strong>Basically, her stance is that she doesn't 'do weddings'.</strong>  Frankly, I'm a little miffed on FI's behalf, simply because it's his friend who won't come to his wedding just because she doesn't 'do' them, not because of a reason that prevents her from coming (ie: money, the date, work, whatever else). Would it be bad etiquette to have FI check in with her closer to the time that invites are going out to see if she's changed her mind and go from there?
Posted by beautifulvice[/QUOTE]


Also, just to add, yes, she would know other people at the wedding (FI is inviting a bunch of people from the same circle of friends from his old job) and we would have sent it with a +1 (or inviting her SO if she has one at the time).  Otherwise, I'd get being nervous about going to a wedding where I wouldn't know anyone.

beautifulvice

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitestd-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abfadbe6-e1d8-454e-9800-2c6f78f4a350Post:63d748c8-9d24-4787-999f-fbd1612d574f">Re: Invite/STD question</a>:
[QUOTE]well it sounds like she doesn't "do weddings" because of anxiety issues....which is a real thing.
Posted by HockeyFan4[/QUOTE]

Oh, no, I understand that.  I have horrible social anxiety myself.  It was just odd to me that she'd outright tell FI she wasn't coming before we even had a date set or anything.

She's actually not a friend of mine; she's FI's friend.  So I thought, in this case, it was best to let FI decide whether he wants to send an invite/STD or not.  But I wanted to make sure that, whatever he chose, it wouldn't be rude.

beautifulvice

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitestd-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:abfadbe6-e1d8-454e-9800-2c6f78f4a350Post:e6869c7e-7dc8-459c-9531-52861e3aa433">Re: Invite/STD question</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea..same thing happened with one of H's friend. We still sent her an invite, but she was a no-show. Atleast by doing that I know that we did the right thing. Also, one of H's boss gave the "I don't do weddings" excuse. <strong>He didn't come to ours but we bumped into him at another wedding. Talk about awkward.</strong>
Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]


Yikes... pass the champagne...

may25bride2012

Social anxiety can be a serious thing. I would send her an invitation, but not a STD. That way if she wants to come to the ceremony and not the reception or what have you she knows she is welcome. 

jessicabessica

Another vote for sending an invitation, but not a save the date.  Your FI can mention to her around the time that invitations go out that he knows she told him she wouldn't be able to attend, but it was no trouble to send her an invitation to make sure she knew she would be welcome.