Not Inviting Overseas Guests in lieu of Visiting with them on Honeymoon?

itsmecaramarie

We are planning a St. Patrick's Day wedding Mar 15, 2014 as he has Irish heritage and I am a first generation Irish Canadian. After the wedding, we plan on having our honeymoon in Ireland.

My question is, my Dad is one of 8 and the only one that lives in Canada, I am trying to keep my full wedding guest list under 120. Would it be acceptable to send a note to my overseas saying something to the effect of "don't come to us, we're coming to you!". The way I see it, there is major cost savings for everyone, but I don't want to hurt any feelings.

Thoughts?

pokepoke27

There is no way to word that without hurting everyone's feelings. If he wants to spend the money to come to your wedding, that's his own business. He should be given that opportunity. My ILs came to my wedding all the way from the UK. They knew I would understand if they declined, but they didn't. 

NOLAbridealmost

There's no way to do it without hurting feelings.   Never send anything regarding the wedding to an uninvited guest except an announcement after the fact. 

Saying "Don't bother coming to us; we'll come to you!"  presumes that they either can't or wouldn't make the wedding if they were invited (which is very off putting) and highlights the fact that they're not invited (which should be avoided at all costs). 

Invite them.  Or don't.  It really doesn't matter, but I personally wouldn't go visit a bunch of relatives on my own honeymoon.

Kate61487

I assume you're talking about your immediate aunts and uncles here, and that you know them sort of well (or why would you visit them on your honeymoon).  I'd invite them and shortly before invites go out or immediately after contact them by phone or email (whatever your normal mode of contact is) to let them know you'll be in Ireland and would like to plan a dinner.  That way they know you're coming and know they'll get to celebrate with you.  They still may say yes, so you need to be prepared for that budget-wise.

Peledreamsofrain

I'm sorry, but the hurt potential of doing that is massive.  Weddings are deeply meaningful and important family events.  Being left out is hurtful to people, especially people who are very traditional about family gatherings.  There just isn't a way to lessen the impact of that kind of slight.

Re-examine your list of expenses, and edit what you have to to have the guest list that you want.  We had to do the same thing, nixing the limo service, some food, some DJ time, some chair covers, etc.  But in the end, those things are just things.  And they didn't measure up at all to the people that their absence allowed to attend our wedding.

Avion22

I live overseas (I'm military) and honestly it really upsets me when my family doesn't invite me to things because they assume that I can't or won't want to make the trip.  My sister didn't invite me to my only nephew's baptism beucase she just decided that I wouldn't be able to come.   That STILL really hurts me.

Invite them, and let them decide if they want to make the trip.   You might try to let them know that you'll be honeymooning in Ireland and that you would be able to visit them during the honeymoon so they can make their own decision.   But I would tell people about this trip via word of mouth (or casually meniton your honeymoon plans on your wedding website if you have one), and not anywhere on the ivitation or RSVP.

hoffse

Yeah.... my fiance has family in Belgium, France, and India, and apparently they are ALL coming to ours (so they say). As in, every. single. relative.

OP, people are adults and can choose whether to come or not.  PPs are right - weddings and funerals tend to be the events that draw large crowds of family members, and I know in my family we treat both like reunions but obviously vastly prefer weddings than funerals for obvious reasons.  I think you should invite them and let them decide whether they can afford to come or not.

kmmssg

What I get from her post is that she doesn't WANT to invite them because she is trying to cap her list at 120 and doesn't have room for them.  I'm getting that she wants to let them know she will visit them on her honeymoon and using that as her out to not invite them.

OP, am I going down the right path here?  I don't think she wants to not invite them because they live so far away.  I think she doesn't want to invite them because her guest list numbers are tight and they would take up a lot of space on the list.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-overseas-guests-in-lieu-of-visiting-with-them-on-honeymoon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac33f81b-5b71-425c-9080-a28b5d57c227Post:539634f5-8b44-4c5f-b316-c861b88354e6">Re: Not Inviting Overseas Guests in lieu of Visiting with them on Honeymoon?</a>:
[QUOTE]What I get from her post is that she doesn't WANT to invite them because she is trying to cap her list at 120 and doesn't have room for them.  I'm getting that she wants to let them know she will visit them on her honeymoon and using that as her out to not invite them. OP, am I going down the right path here?  I don't think she wants to not invite them because they live so far away.  I think she doesn't want to invite them because her guest list numbers are tight and they would take up a lot of space on the list.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

I was getting that too.  But again, it strikes me as a hurtful thing to do-that just because of an accident of proximity, one doesn't fit on a tight guest list.  OP, don't do this.  This doesn't mean you have to invite them, but they may not be willing to visit with you on your honeymoon if you leave them out because you want to cap your guest list.  It smacks of B-listing (I don't care about you enough to invite you to my wedding but I still want to spend time with you so I'll do something lesser for you).  That's a very hurtful message to send.

lodonnell616

No, do not send them something like that.

As someone overseas I agree with PP, it always stings when someone doesn't invite because they think I won't make it or its too much to ask.  These things are all for the invitees to decide, not the B&G (unless you really do want to leave them out due to budget).

MyNameIsNot

We had a similar situation with my H's family.  His parents and sister are the only family in the US.  Everyone else is in Peru.  We planned to spend part of our HM in Peru shortly after we got engaged.  

We invited all of his family that we would have invited if they were local (out to first cousins), but made sure to spread the word that we would be visiting also.  A few ended up making the trip, but everyone else decided to wait for us to come to them.  We knew that the trip would be prohibitively expensive and difficult for most, but we didn't want to make it for them.  Also, it would have felt really weird spending the honeymoon with people who weren't even close enough to make the wedding guest list.