fiance just got fired

mlded1981

So today my fiance was fired from his job. He works at a family owned buisness and his boss and family are invited to the wedding. They have already sent their rsvp and everything. Do I wait for them to decline, bc it will definately be uncomfortable if they do show, or do I uninvite them? That is such a no-no! I don't know what to do! 

Also the reason for him being fired is nonsense and he could definately fight it, but wont.

TaraKeeley

I would just wait for them to decline or no-show... sorry for the awkward situation \

Lisa50

I'm so sorry you and your fiance have to deal with this.  Right now, just focus on comforting him in this job loss (I was unemployed for the 22 months prior to our wedding ... ugh!).  Don't waste your energy on wondering what those folks will do.

mlded1981

Im so not ok with a no show! They have already added their 21 year old daughter who was no invited. I let it go bc he was his boss and it wasnt that big of a deal. I know that there might be a few no shows, but a deliberate one is just wrong.

mlded1981

This couple also knows me very well, actually many years longer than my fiance! So for them to not let me know their intentions after this situation and no show will be a deal breaker for me.

Jen4948

I wouldn't expect them to come, but you're right, as rotten as this was to happen they can't be uninvited.  And if they do happen to show up, they still have to be treated graciously.  Unfortunately etiquette just doesn't provide a good answer in a situation like this.  I hope your fiance is able to find a new job soon. (I know that's hoping for a lot!)

mlded1981

I would just like to know if they are showing up or not. All we need is an extra slap in the face, you know?

Stackeye210

The only acceptable way to ask them if they are coming is to reach out to them as the bigger person.  Say something along the lines of, "Hey, I know we're all in an unfortunate situation right now but I want you to know that you are still welcome at the wedding.  If you feel the circumstance have changed and you would prefer to decline I will understand.  I would like to continue are friendship despite all that is going on". 

I'm not very good at wording things, but you kind of get what I'm saying right?  You have to be gracious and welcoming b/c they are invited and accepted guests at this point.  KWIM? 

I'm sorry for your FI's job loss. 

JaxInBlue

I'm sorry you are in this position.  It stinks.  DH lost his job about two months before our wedding - it worked outfor the best but I understand that this only adds to an already emotional time.

I agree with others that there's not really a nice way uninvite them at this point, particularly if your FI will need a recommendation or good reference from them in the future.  In our case, when DH's boss and spouse did not RSVP to our wedding, we never followed up to ask.  We assumed that they weren't coming based on our wedding being out of state. 

In your case, I think Stack's wording is good or maybe finding out if a mutual friend (maybe a former coworker?) could inquire for you in a casual way once you are closer to your date.  Otherwise, plan for them to be there but also prepare for them to be no-shows.  If they are, it will say more about them than about you and your FI.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-just-got-fired?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad4db4cb-4260-4be7-9d3b-806dce62cbbdPost:ffdba658-c41c-4b01-b917-1863d1905d0b"><u><font color="#0000ff">Re: fiance just got fired</font></u></a>:
[QUOTE]The only acceptable way to ask them if they are coming is to reach out to them as the bigger person.  Say something along the lines of, "Hey, I know we're all in an unfortunate situation right now but I want you to know that you are still welcome at the wedding.  If you feel the circumstance have changed and you would prefer to decline I will understand.  I would like to continue are friendship despite all that is going on".  I'm not very good at wording things, but you kind of get what I'm saying right?  You have to be gracious and welcoming b/c they are invited and accepted guests at this point.  KWIM?  I'm sorry for your FI's job loss. 
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
Something along the lines of this...but maybe the wording could be finessed a bit more because on the one hand you don't want to do a tit for tat but on the other hand your FI comes first and he shouldn't have to see the people that fired him on his wedding day.  Unless it was a mass layoff I think a reference letter is probably unlikely so maybe like:

"Hey, I know we're all in an unfortunate situation right now and I would never want anyone to feel uncomfortable.  If you feel the circumstances have changed and you would prefer to decline I will understand.  Hopefully, with time we can all heal from this."

Then it's up to them to say, oh no we're still coming or maybe they'll say now that you've mentioned it we'll probably sit this one out.

Other PPs may have other wording suggestions...

j-harvey

 

Meegles4

I prefer Stacks' wording to Zanster's, personally. I don't like saying that hopefully in time everyone can "heal". A little too emotional for a business issue.

Also, OP, you mention that the couple has known you many years longer than they knew/employed your FI. So, could you consider them family friends or other acquaintances of yours? If that's the case, it's entirely possible they'll still come even with the weirdness of recent events.

zantster

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-just-got-fired?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad4db4cb-4260-4be7-9d3b-806dce62cbbdPost:683d5c69-dc0c-40c2-80e0-40da0cd0eab7">Re: fiance just got fired</a>:
[QUOTE]I prefer Stacks' wording to Zanster's, personally. I don't like saying that hopefully in time everyone can "heal". A little too emotional for a business issue. Also, OP, you mention that the couple has known you many years longer than they knew/employed your FI. So, could you consider them family friends or other acquaintances of yours? If that's the case, it's entirely possible they'll still come even with the weirdness of recent events.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

Yeah, maybe it's a bit over the top to say the last part.  It was hard to figure because I thought OP was super close on a personal level with them.  But it's still probably safer to pull back a bit.

mcqmaureen

This is certainly a situation where someone other than the bride and the groom can reasonably be enlisted to make back channel inquiries.  Is there a mutual friend or acquaintance who can ask? 

The purpose of etiquette is to give people rules to guide them so there are fewer misunderstandings and it's clear that this is a place where etiquette fails to protect both parties unless the ex-boss has the sense to send a message saying they won't be attending, which he probably doesn't.  The groom is without a job.  Those three people will cost the bride and groom money if they don't show.

I say if there is a way to save everyone discomfort with a little back channel discussion by a third party, do it.

SmallenForever

I wouldn't add them to the guest count and if they showed, have them escorted out. Sure, it's not nice but neither is firing someone before their wedding and then showing up to their wedding. 

Calypso1977

Sure, it's not nice but neither is firing someone before their wedding 

well, we would need to know why he was fired (which im not asking OP to divulge). but if someone was, say, stealing from me and i knew it and could prove it?  then i would have zero hesitation with firing them before their wedding or any other major life event for that matter.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-just-got-fired?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad4db4cb-4260-4be7-9d3b-806dce62cbbdPost:385112ee-52fa-4965-a64c-9949a302dd0e">Re: fiance just got fired</a>:
[QUOTE]Sure, it's not nice but neither is firing someone before their wedding  well, we would need to know why he was fired (which im not asking OP to divulge). but if someone was, say, stealing from me and i knew it and could prove it?  then i would have zero hesitation with firing them before their wedding or any other major life event for that matter.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

<div>Firing before the wedding isn't a big deal...it's firing before the wedding and then going to their wedding. I can't imagine why a boss would want to do this...not only would family and friends be unfriendly to them at the wedding ("Oh you're the jerk who fired him?") and bringing back bad memories for the bride and groom. No one likes to be fired. You can't really be friends after that. Now if it were a lay-off, sure, maybe, but not a firing. 
</div>

wrigleyville

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-just-got-fired?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad4db4cb-4260-4be7-9d3b-806dce62cbbdPost:69ab88c1-23a7-4b21-9ede-bd2d3758c531">Re: fiance just got fired</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't add them to the guest count and if they showed, <strong>have them escorted out</strong>. Sure, it's not nice but neither is firing someone before their wedding and then showing up to their wedding. 
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]

Great way to ruin a family friendship <strong>and</strong> burn a bridge. We have no idea why he was fired. Why is everyone jumping to defend her FI? I agree it's a sad situation, but there are two sides to every story.

SmallenForever

Any friendship was ruined when he got fired. You don't get fired on good terms.

SmallenForever

Here's my thinking: OP said the reason they fired him was stupid, therefore, I'm probably not going out on a limb by suggesting that they aren't on good terms anymore. Doesn't matter if the boss really had a good reason, they still shouldn't show up at the wedding of a former employee that they aren't on good terms with. Anyways, my comment about escorting them out was my opinion and still is. This isn't a good situation. I just know that it would spoil my wedding day if a former boss that fired me came to my wedding.

Calypso1977

most people, deep down, know the reason why they got fired and more often than not they know they deserved it.  given all of the labor laws, even for employees who are "at will" you need a fairly good amoutn of documenation on someone before you can fire them so people usually know its coming.

i know someone who got fired for stealing a cookie at barnes and noble (he worked the coffee counter).   he pretty much knew they were annoyed with him and he didnt give the job 100% and that the cookie theft was the legit on paper reason they got rid of him.

mlded1981

Thanks for all the advice, since this happening we have found out a few things. The reason for being fired could definately be fought but FI would rather not. He didn't really love this job, and already has another lined up. It was a misunderstanding that could have been avoided, he said she said nonsense. I am not un-inviting them, but i just want to make sure that if they do attend our wedding they are there to be happy for both of us with no resentment. Otherwise they should just stay at home, but be polite enough to inform me.

NadzB

I think that it is big of you that you will still allow them to atteng though honestly I hope they do decline and make it easier on you. I am pleased that you FI has a new job lined up.

Good luck to you and I hope that everything goes well on your wedding day with the former boss and family

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiance-just-got-fired?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ad4db4cb-4260-4be7-9d3b-806dce62cbbdPost:ffdba658-c41c-4b01-b917-1863d1905d0b">Re: fiance just got fired</a>:
[QUOTE]The only acceptable way to ask them if they are coming is to reach out to them as the bigger person.  Say something along the lines of, "Hey, I know we're all in an unfortunate situation right now but I want you to know that you are still welcome at the wedding.  If you feel the circumstance have changed and you would prefer to decline I will understand.  I would like to continue are friendship despite all that is going on".  I'm not very good at wording things, but you kind of get what I'm saying right?  You have to be gracious and welcoming b/c they are invited and accepted guests at this point.  KWIM?  I'm sorry for your FI's job loss. 
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]


I would probably uninvite them in the heat of the moment, but later I would have wished I had gone Stackeye's route.

Whatever's going on now sucks, and you have every right to be perturbed, but in the long run maintaining this relationship would probably be the most beneficial for you. As you said, you both have known this family for years.