Wedding Attendance poll

Calumet

A poll because I'm really curious what people think about this.

At my wedding, the one thing that really bothered me about the day (I feel really privileged to say I think everything went beautifully, and I felt truly full of joy all day) were the people who chose to skip the ceremony and go straight to the reception. It hurt my feeling when I had time to think about it later. I am obviously not going to let it dampen my memory of the day, though I can't help the fact that is affecting how I feel about those people.

So

LauraT25

I said yes, but only in some circumstances.  Personally, I would be upset too, but for weddings where there is a large gap and/or the ceremony and reception site are very far apart, I think it's okay to attend just the reception.

SparrowSong

If there's a big gap, it's understandable. Personally I love the ceremony part, so I wouldn't skip it if I didn't have to. But I understand that a lot of people would if they felt the day was set up in an inconvenient way.

Calumet

Ah, I hadn't thought of that Laura. Those are legitimate reasons. Neither was true at my wedding, because I think those situations (though perhaps unavoidable at times) are kind of rude.

ohwhynot

It could be a lot of reasons:  too big a gap, other plans, a distaste for church, whatever.   If people are happy for you and want to be in on the celebration, that's cool to me.  I think it falls into the "no one will care about your wedding as much as you do" category. 

LauraT25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-attendance-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:adb8ce09-86cc-4375-9aad-90ac085acbb1Post:d173cb54-7fe3-4a7c-a332-6c9e821545f5">Re: Wedding Attendance poll</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah, I hadn't thought of that Laura. Those are legitimate reasons. Neither was true at my wedding, <strong>because I think those situations (though perhaps unavoidable at times) are kind of rude</strong>.
Posted by Calumet[/QUOTE]

That's kind of my take on it.  It's happened to me twice; once I attended only the ceremony, the other time only the reception.  It just depended on what fit in my day better and was closer - in both cases the two locations were over two hours apart. 

If that's not the case, though, I do think it's rude to skip the ceremony unless there's some other reason, like not being able to get off work or get a sitter until a certain time.  I like the ceremony, maybe because I'm a cornball.

lyndausvi

Life is not black and white.   Sure some people do not like ceremonies, but I find a lot of people who miss ceremonies do so for valid reasons.

I know I've missed ceremonies because of other weddings, work, I got lost and would have walked in very  late and I didn't want to interrupt the ceremony (think large catholic church with huge loud doors that everyone turns around to see who is walking in late).

thesuninherhead

I didn't have anyone who did this at mine, but if they had, I would have been slightly perplexed by it, too. I had a couple of people who only came for the ceremony (who weren't invited to either, but just showed up at the ceremony; they were my mother's relatives who had just moved here... it was really odd. I tried to tell them to come to the reception when I saw them at the ceremony afterwards, but they weren't dressed for it (he was in shorts!) and they insisted they'd just 'come for a sticky beak' (aka come to look even though they weren't invited) and they didn't want to come to the reception.... really bizarre). But aside from people who weren't actually invited, I didn't deal with this. 

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-attendance-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:adb8ce09-86cc-4375-9aad-90ac085acbb1Post:e20f7ee8-af7e-4964-a0b0-9b30f28dcae6">Re: Wedding Attendance poll</a>:
[QUOTE] I got lost and would have walked in very  late 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>I have missed a ceremony before; it was outdoors but started raining so was moved to another location... we were running late when we arrived at the original location; no sign was left to direct guests from the original spot, and we had no clue where they'd moved to as they hadn't listed a rain plan on their invites. We drove around looking for potential spots (the place had no mobile coverage so all the phones were out of range in any case) and then gave up and went to the reception location to wait for them to arrive. </p>

tlv204

I have two weddings on the same day in August to go to, so therefore I'm choosing to attend one ceremony and the other reception, because I really want to help both friends celebrate. I think there are lots of circumstances that require people not to devote all day (or even half a day or an evening) to a wedding, but when people do it just because they "don't feel like it," it really bothers me. Particularly when people brag to other guests that they're only there for the food and booze, or were too hungover to make it to the ceremony, or get bored by ceremonies, etc.  I mean I don't exactly cry out of happiness at every ceremony I attend, but that doesn't mean I skip them. I don't know if anyone did this at my wedding (or yours), but I've heard several friends say this about other weddings, and I think that's stupid.

andyandhillary

I don't think it's always rude but I do think it is generally rude.  Of course sometimes there are special circumstances.  When my parents or myself, for example, plan on attending a wedding we have no problem making that the main plan for our day and move other things around it.  Part of that is most people we know are Catholic and have a gap/ we live in an area where everyone has a gap, Catholic or not.  Therefore, you just know it's going to be a big chunk of your day and you just deal with it. 

I think with the more than adequate heads up people get with weddings between STDs and invites weeks/months ahead of time there is usually plenty of time to arrange your day accordingly. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think it's rude, BUT I guess I can see how someone might feel uncomfortable attending a very religious ceremony if it isn't there religion. But still, as long as I COULD attend (I know you can't in a Mormon temple), I would go out of respect for the couple, whether or not the ceremony celebrated my religious beliefs.

LauraT25

I feel really uncomfortable in churches, but I still go in them for weddings and funerals and just don't participate in the ceremony (prayers, communion, singing).  Even though I don't believe in it, I still want to support the couple getting married and witness the marriage.  But I don't blame others for not wanting to be there.

andyandhillary

I actually think it's extremely rude to not go to a ceremony because it's a different religion.  Even if you don't agree with the religion, it's an excellent learning experience.  Sometimes people's disagreements with other religions are based on nothing and seeing the faith in aciton is a great way to see the positive aspects of that religion. 

LauraT25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-attendance-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:adb8ce09-86cc-4375-9aad-90ac085acbb1Post:30584e7c-3e68-4e9b-b991-ba14eb868ed4">Re: Wedding Attendance poll</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually think it's extremely rude to not go to a ceremony because it's a different religion.  Even if you don't agree with the religion, it's an excellent learning experience.  Sometimes people's disagreements with other religions are based on nothing and seeing the faith in aciton is a great way to see the positive aspects of that religion. 
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

I guess it depends on what a person's issues with that religion are.  If it's just a different culture that they know nothing about, then it's pretty closed-minded.  But if it's a religion that you have a lot of experience with and are constantly getting crap for not believing in, it can be very exhausting going to a church. 

Since I generally don't know a particular person's reasons, that's why I don't judge.  I tend to err on the side of nice thoughts, anyway, so if someone didn't come I would figure it was one of the reasons Lynda mentioned, or some other perfectly good excuse, and not worry about it (unless I heard them bragging about missing the 'boring part' and only coming for the booze). 

anna.oskar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-attendance-poll?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:adb8ce09-86cc-4375-9aad-90ac085acbb1Post:e20f7ee8-af7e-4964-a0b0-9b30f28dcae6">Re: Wedding Attendance poll</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I've missed ceremonies because ..........I got lost and would have walked in very  late and I didn't want to interrupt the ceremony (think large catholic church with huge loud doors that everyone turns around to see who is walking in late).
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

I have missed 2 ceremonies because of this.  I figured skipping the ceremony was preferable to us walking in during the ceremony and causing a stir.

MyNameIsNot

We missed a ceremony last year because it was a Friday wedding and we couldn't get out of work in time.  But I told the bride that it might be an issue upfront.  6:00 on Friday 45 minutes out of town is hard for us.  

Generally, I don't see it as that big of a deal.  People have schedule issues all the time.  As a bride, I'd rather a person with a schedule problem attend what they could than skip the whole thing because they couldn't make the ceremony.  

I was actually very surprised that everyone (I think) came to our ceremony.  It was an hour long catholic mass, and I expected many of our non-church going friends would take my suggestion and just come to the fun part.  

jeanacorina

I have missed a ceremony because I got lost trying to find the church. I was following my aunt, and SHE got lost... so obviously I was WAY lost.

My aunt actually had the gall to enter the front doors when the bride was just about to walk down the aisle. My aunt tiptoed into the church after the bridesmaids and before the bride and sat down in the back.

I know this because my cousins were already there, and they told me later. Ugh, how awkward. Everyone was watching for the bride and my aunt slinks in instead.

I just went to the reception location and waited for everybody. I don't think I was the rude one.

karbar42

I am not religious, and have some "religion issues" but I have shown up for the full mass ceremonies of my friends, I think it's rude to skip the ceremony and only go to the reception, except for extenuating ceremonies (lost, work, two weddings).

I had a friend who had only 30 or so people in attendance at the wedding but had a rather large reception, there was no gap, so I felt that was rude, like people came for the food/drinks, but didn't care enough to see them get married.  

For most weddings I've been to though (about 15), the difference wasn't noticeable in the attendance between the two.

KD+BC

My FI works on Saturdays and there are certain times of year when he can't ask for days off. He has missed 2 wedding ceremonies because he couldn't get the day off from work but was able to make it to the reception. I think this is a rare circumstance though.

pooh8402

we've skipped a ceremony before, although I will admit that yall won't like the reasoning. my fiance and I are REALLY into college football, it's practically a religion with us. a friend of ours had her wedding during a game. we skipped the ceremony to watch the first half. then FI watched the second half on the phone at the reception. the only reason I was able to even get him to attend the reception was because he needed to at least put in an appearance since this was our friend getting married, and several other friends were in attendance.

however, I know that there will be several occasions where I myself will have to skip the ceremony in favor of the later reception, and that will be because of my work schedule.

tenofcups4me

In general, I would think it's really rude to skip a ceremony and go to the reception, but I've never actually been aware of anyone I know doing that or anyone I know complaining that anyone had done that at their own wedding. But for the vast majority of weddings I attend, the ceremony and reception are at the same site so it would be really weird to go the reception and not the ceremony.

I can think of a couple of exceptions where I might find it excusable and they've already been noted here, mostly a large gap between the two or a Friday night ceremony that starts too early (or something unintentional like getting lost on the way there).   

bethsmiles

I would consider it rude to only go to the reception. But there are always exceptions, maybe they really couldn't make it to the ceremony but still wanted to celebrate with you.

Blueyed228

I have always thought a reception was a thank you for attending the ceremony.  So unless there was a good reason (large gap, prior commitment, etc) then I always go to both.

I have never gone just to a reception.

dmbdbk

I generally think its rude, but answered yes because maybe they got lost and didn't want to show up to the ceremony while it was in progress. Another option (especially if they have kids), is if they were running late and knew they wouldn't be able to make it to the ceremony in time. I think it is rude if people choose not to attend because they feel uncomfortable in a place of worship or just don't like ceremonies though.

whitneykaye87

Normally, I think it's rude.

I've missed one because my cousin got married on a Friday evening, and I had a final exam two hours away earlier that day.  Physically impossible for me to get there.  They knew and understood.

I also have one person who already RSVP'd to my wedding, saying that she is planning on coming to the reception but not the ceremony.  I'm pretty put off by it, mostly because I can't think of a legitimate reason.  She attends church regularly, so that doesn't seem to be the problem.  The ceremony and reception are 10 minutes away, and there is zero gap.  Go figure.

LauraT25

Whitney -

That's kind of odd.  I would be tempted to ask her, but I guess that could get awkward.  The one time I only went to the reception, I asked the bride ahead of time if that was ok, because the church was very out-of-the-way and I didn't have a car, but the reception was within shuttle distance of my apartment.  She said she'd rather have me there than not at all.

loop0406

I personally attend both ceremony and reception always but know alot of people who only attend the reception. My feelings will be hurt only if close family members miss our ceremony. Coworkers, distant relatives, aquaintances, I won't mind if they only attend the reception.

whitneykaye87

Laura-  Yeah I didn't want to get into it.  She's not so close that I was upset about her missing the ceremony, but I just thought it was weird/rude to say ahead of time she won't be attending that part.  Whatev.

beatlesgirl25

I agree with those who said that it's generally rude, but there are unique circumstances that could excuse doing this. I think the ceremony is the most important part of the day, and if I care enough about the person to RSVP yes to their wedding, then I actually want to see them married! But I know people feel differently about this. At my wedding, I was more concerned with people no-showing that day than of people who just showed up for the reception. At least I could see all the people I was expecting to see if they just came for the reception.

As far as religious weddings go, I am Atheist and H is Agnostic, and we've attended multiple Catholic Mass weddings and a Jewish wedding. I think it's interesting to see the customs and wedding traditions of others, and it's always possible to opt out of the parts you don't want to participate in, like the praying, etc. H and I just stand and watch everyone else pray.

rkto

I think people that arent that close to you dont care as much as we would like and dont want to spend their entire day at your wedding. 

I think it is rude, and if you want to celebrate the wedding with dinner and dancing, you should at least witness the marriage.

And some cultures seem  to do this quite often.  I have  a friend and they invite 500 people to their weddings, I assume they are not all close to the couple, so I can imagine why they would skip the ceremony.

however, when I am invited to a wedding and I dont feel that close to the couple, I just decline.