People Inviting Themselves to Rehearsal Dinner

Pjb1211

All of FH's relatives that are getting into town now want to come to the rehearsal dinner - it's two days away. I guess it's really not that big of a deal, but isn't it impolite to ask? We wanted to invite all out of town guests - but no one told us when they were coming. Then they decided to send a text to his mom asking when the dress code was. Huh? Now all our numbers are changing and we are paying for the rehearsal dinner along with everything else ourselves. It's just frustrating. Am I out of line by thinking they should have let us know when they would be in town further in advance so we could plan accordingly? And also that it's impolite to just ask what you should wear?

Then groom's cousin calls him last night and says, "I'm coming in Tuesday night, get a bed or couch ready for me." Is it just me or do you NOT ASK to stay with the BRIDE and GROOM for their wedding? Huh? Isn't that bad form? Am I being out of line again? We had talked about letting my dad stay, because he is in his late 60s and we are the only ones with an extra bed, but we decided it would be a bad time and he also refused to stay with the bride and groom for their own wedding. So now his cousin will get the bed because he told us he was coming without asking and my 68 year old father will sleep on the couch at my sister's college apartment. Should I let my dad stay in the extra room and have the cousin sleep on the couch now that he's already staying?

Sorry for so much venting.

Mrs.B6302007

Dude, you've got some seriously rude guests.  Tell them no to the dinner.  And definitely no to the house guest cousin.  The last thing you need right now is someone underfoot.  Your dad is probably a different story, especially since you invited him to stay.

J&K10910

I would be saying a big fat NO to the cousin.

Did you invite OOT guests?  It's hard to tell from your post.  You say they didn't tell you when they were coming...did you ask?  No one told us when they would be in town either, unless we asked or invited them to the RD.

dumdumfroggie

Your FI needs to be stepping in here.  I'd say no to the extra RD guests, tell them plans/reservations have already been made.

Also, since you invited your dad to stay already, tell the rude cousin, no, the space is already taken.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae1c469e-baac-4e79-b3af-526f835a6ebbPost:048e59c6-95a1-4d24-9d11-9741c208c8ec">People Inviting Themselves to Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]All of FH's relatives that are getting into town now want to come to the rehearsal dinner - it's two days away. I guess it's really not that big of a deal, but isn't it impolite to ask? We wanted to invite all out of town guests - but no one told us when they were coming. Then they decided to send a text to his mom asking when the dress code was. Huh? Now all our numbers are changing and we are paying for the rehearsal dinner along with everything else ourselves. It's just frustrating. Am I out of line by thinking they should have let us know when they would be in town further in advance so we could plan accordingly? And also that it's impolite to just ask what you should wear? Then groom's cousin calls him last night and says, "I'm coming in Tuesday night, get a bed or couch ready for me." Is it just me or do you NOT ASK to stay with the BRIDE and GROOM for their wedding? Huh? Isn't that bad form? Am I being out of line again? We had talked about letting my dad stay, because he is in his late 60s and we are the only ones with an extra bed, but we decided it would be a bad time and he also refused to stay with the bride and groom for their own wedding. So now his cousin will get the bed because he told us he was coming without asking and my 68 year old father will sleep on the couch at my sister's college apartment. Should I let my dad stay in the extra room and have the cousin sleep on the couch now that he's already staying? Sorry for so much venting.
Posted by Pjb1211[/QUOTE]

Who said yes to the cousin? More importantly, why was the cousin told yes?

Pjb1211

We planned NOT to invite OOT guests to the rehearsal dinner, until it was only four people (groom's uncle/godfather and fam). We were going to invite them, except we had been told that they might not even make it and that they would be arriving the morning of the wedding. No one had told us plans changed. We found out a week ago when his aunt texted his mom asking what they should wear. The rehearsal dinner is basically just immediate family and the few cousins who are ushers. Our wedding party is pretty much immediate family. It's not a huge deal for 6 more people - we are going to an inexpensive place (approx $12 per head), but it's just the principle of giving us more advanced notice and not inviting yourselves. These 6 are the only out of town guests so we are happy to have them, but they shouldn't have been so last minute with their plans, in my opinion.

No one told the cousin he could come. He told us to get a bed/couch ready for him. I'm not sure what he was thinking. He's such a nice guy, but it just seems so not okay! I don't want to ruin relationships with anyone, but I just feel like you can't possibly want to stay with the bride and groom for their wedding. Wouldn't it be awkward for him?

achiduck

I would call the cousin back and tell him that the local hotel has plenty of beds that they can get ready for him and give him the phone number.

mbody

It's not right for your OOT guests to assume they are invited and to ask what they should wear. If you and your FI and ok with them coming, then just have them for the sake of hurt relationships. (This is what I'd do in this situation.)

As far a the cousin goes, how rude! Tell him that your father is already sleeping at your house and there is no more room to accomodate him.

BMcLeodTeam

I would be calling the cousin and advising him that he's going to have to contact local hotels because you will be unable to accomodate a guest. You are going to have PLENTY to do and don't need to be worrying about someone else underfoot in your home.

Secondly, I would letting the last minute RD guests know that plans have already been made and you're unable to accomodate last mintute additions. If they had discussed this with you in advance would be one thing...

cammien

You absolutely cannot have a guest stay with you for your wedding! Simply tell your FI to contact the cousin with the hotel info from the area, acting like you were assuming that was what he meant. Not only should you not have a guest staying with you, you should also not have to deal with it.

It is important to remember, you can't change anyone but yourself. If family members are rude, you can't change that. But you also cannot let yourself get to the point where you just accept such behavior. Don't try to train them or change them or convince them they are rude; simply refuse to in any way allow or enable the behavior. 

Having done so, have a fantastic wedding!

Pjb1211

Thank you all! It's really tough to put my foot down and not damage my relationships with my future family. They all love me so I'm sure it will be fine, but I don't want anyone to think I'm being a bridezilla. I'm sure the cousin just doesn't realize how ridiculous it is to ask to stay with us, but maybe I can find another family member for him to stay with and just inform him of the change. My father is happy to stay with my twin, but I'm not going to let his young cousin have the bed that my dad wouldn't take out of politeness. I would rather my dad stay with us too. I think as long as I've found alternatives for both of them they should be happy.

The tough part here is that none of them are my family. I made sure I knew exact dates all of my family were arriving, but his family would never tell exact dates. Saturday his uncle just showed up in the middle of the night - he hasn't come to visit in 17 years and just kind of showed up. Then they slept in their truck so they wouldn't bother anyone. So strange! His other family are also driving and they won't decide when they're leaving or when they'll arrive because it all depends on weather. I understand why they want to wait to decide, but I also feel like they can't drag us along with not knowing when they'll be here. If they don't know, then they can't expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-inviting-themselves-rehearsal-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ae1c469e-baac-4e79-b3af-526f835a6ebbPost:2d8df581-b1b0-438d-bdbf-4af2f12e8522">Re: People Inviting Themselves to Rehearsal Dinner</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all!<strong> It's really tough to put my foot down and not damage my relationships with my future family</strong>. They all love me so I'm sure it will be fine, but I don't want anyone to think I'm being a bridezilla. I'm sure the cousin just doesn't realize how ridiculous it is to ask to stay with us, but maybe I can find another family member for him to stay with and just inform him of the change. My father is happy to stay with my twin, but I'm not going to let his young cousin have the bed that my dad wouldn't take out of politeness. I would rather my dad stay with us too. I think as long as I've found alternatives for both of them they should be happy. The tough part here is that none of them are my family. I made sure I knew exact dates all of my family were arriving, but his family would never tell exact dates. Saturday his uncle just showed up in the middle of the night - he hasn't come to visit in 17 years and just kind of showed up. Then they slept in their truck so they wouldn't bother anyone. So strange! His other family are also driving and they won't decide when they're leaving or when they'll arrive because it all depends on weather. I understand why they want to wait to decide, but I also feel like they can't drag us along with not knowing when they'll be here. If they don't know, then they can't expect to be invited to the rehearsal dinner.
Posted by Pjb1211[/QUOTE]

Why on earth are you the one having to put your foot down with your FI's family? He's the one who should be doing that!

redheadfsu

You have to talk to your FI and explain that he needs to stand up to his family. You two need to have a game plan/ boundaries and he needs to tell them when they cross the line. They can't run all over both of you this way. You shouldn't have to say, "no" to his family. That is your FI's job.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Wait, what? If you wanted to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner, you can invite them, regardless of whether or not you knew they would be there that night. We invited all of our out of town guests. Some of them weren't coming in until after the rehearsal dinner, so they just declined. No big deal.

But yeah, tell cousin, "Sorry, but we won't be able to accomodate you."

thousandtrees

Oh man, nothing is more rude than just showing up without an RSVP! Definitely give the couch surfer the phone number of the nearest hotel, who wants someone staying with them on their wedding night??

If it were me, with the RD, when relatives just go "hey we're coming!" I'd say, polite but firm, "Oh Aunt Betty, when we didn't hear from you, we assumed you couldn't make it! I'm so sorry, but the reservation is set and we won't be able to add any more seats". Otherwise, it's just giving a pass to bad manners.