Bad Behavior

KatherineL02

I am the MOB and we just had my daughter's shower and bachelorette party this past weekend. One of the bridesmaids was extremely rude to the bride's sisters, the bride, and other members of the bridal party. So much so, that I am going to uninvite her to the wedding. She is not to come as a guest or as a bridesmaid. I will not tke the risk that she behaves in this manner and upsest the rest of the bridal party and the bride on her day. I've talked to the bride and some other members of the bridal party who agree that it would be better for her not to show up. Any suggestions on what to say? Is it too late?(the wedding is the end of next month? I do not want bad vibes on my daughter's wedding day. Distressed MOB

harper0813

Agreed with Kristan - I'd go so far to as say that this would create an enemy, since the bridesmaid has likely purchased a dress (and possibly shoes and jewelry) by now.

And like Stage said, have your daughter address this, not you.

misshart00

I agree with Kristan. Uninviting her from the wedding and wedding party will end the friendship. What exactly did she do? Was she drunk and just got out of hand or did she try and sleep with the groom? There's a big difference there. Also, are you paying for the wedding or are your daughter and her FI paying for it?

radleyboo

I completely agree with what these ladies' said.  This is ultimately the Bride's decision and she should handle this herself.  Could you give some more detail on what happened? 

nda8414

It's hard to say, what did she do?

[Deleted User]

Stay out of it. If your daughter wants to do this, she can go ahead, but she's a grown woman and should be able to handle her own conflicts with her friends. However, she should be aware that kicking someone out of a WP is a friendship ending move. If your daughter is fine with that, she can go ahead. But if she's not ready to cut this person out of her life, she should not kick her out.

But, regardless, this is not your choice or your battle to fight - it's your daughter's.

AddieCake

If your daughter doesn't want to be her friend anymore and doesn't want her in the bridal party, then she should be the one to dismiss this person from her life, not you. 

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-behavior?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e8624-079e-468e-b2b4-8bc8f6422547Post:1a60f446-d2ef-49a8-b83b-376bd725640f">Bad Behavior</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the MOB and we just had my daughter's shower and bachelorette party this past weekend. One of the bridesmaids was extremely rude to the bride's sisters, the bride, and other members of the bridal party. So much so, that<strong> I am going to uninvite her to the wedding.</strong><strong> She is not to come as a guest or as a bridesmaid.</strong> I will not tke the risk that she behaves in this manner and upsest the rest of the bridal party and the bride on her day. I've talked to the bride and some other members of the bridal party who agree that it would be better for her not to show up. Any suggestions on what to say? Is it too late?(the wedding is the end of next month? I do not want bad vibes on my daughter's wedding day. Distressed MOB
Posted by KatherineL02[/QUOTE]

I think you should stay out of it.  This is your daughters decision, NOT yours.

I am a strong believer in "who pays is who says."  <em>If</em> you are paying, your opinion on the matter should certainly be taken into consideration, but regardless your daughters BP is her choice to make.

What did this woman do to make you want to kick her out of the wedding so badly?  Most importantly, how does your daughter feel about the situation?

steign

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-behavior?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e8624-079e-468e-b2b4-8bc8f6422547Post:1a60f446-d2ef-49a8-b83b-376bd725640f">Bad Behavior</a>:
[QUOTE]I am the MOB and we just had my daughter's shower and bachelorette party this past weekend. One of the bridesmaids was extremely rude to the bride's sisters, the bride, and other members of the bridal party. So much so, that I am going to uninvite her to the wedding. She is not to come as a guest or as a bridesmaid. I will not tke the risk that she behaves in this manner and upsest the rest of the bridal party and the bride on her day. I've talked to the bride and some other members of the bridal party who agree that it would be better for her not to show up. Any suggestions on what to say? Is it too late?(the wedding is the end of next month? I do not want bad vibes on my daughter's wedding day. Distressed MOB
Posted by KatherineL02[/QUOTE]

Wow. I really hope you have discussed this with your daughter and she is on the same page with you. I also hope if she is she's ready to end her friendship with her BM.

Also, why are you gossiping with the rest of the bridal party about her? Grow up.

STARMOON44

If your daughter is mature enough for marriage, she's mature enough to handle her own friends. You don't say anything.

KatherineL02

The BM was very rude and b...tchy to my youngest daughter and me. She harrassed the waitress at the dinner, and despite agreeing before hand to contribute $ to the dinner, she refused at the restaraunt. She isolated herself , with one other BM, at the clubs, and made no attempt to speak to anyone else, including the bride! Everyone was extremely uncomfortable. She does not drink, so ETOH was not the cause of her bad behavior.
 She called the bride a few weeks ago and complained that the bride was not paying for the bridesmaids hair/makeup/flights/ or hotel rooms. The BM is being married in  few months as well, and her parents are paying for everything. BTW, The BM is not employed. She knew what the arrangements were for almost a year, and no other BM has complained, so I don't get it.  If she has no shame to behave that way in front of me, I am her bad behavior will come to the wedding if she does. Why would I want someone to be there, who has been rude and insulting to me or my other daughter? I also do not think we need to reimburse her, for her bad behavior. Am I wrong? Would you want a person l that did that to your mom or sister in the WP?
Frustrated MOB

[QUOTE]I am the MOB and we just had my daughter's shower and bachelorette party this past weekend. One of the bridesmaids was extremely rude to the bride's sisters, the bride, and other members of the bridal party. So much so, that I am going to uninvite her to the wedding. She is not to come as a guest or as a bridesmaid. I will not tke the risk that she behaves in this manner and upsest the rest of the bridal party and the bride on her day. I've talked to the bride and some other members of the bridal party who agree that it would be better for her not to show up. Any suggestions on what to say? Is it too late?(the wedding is the end of next month? I do not want bad vibes on my daughter's wedding day. Distressed MOB
Posted by KatherineL02[/QUOTE]

misshart00

She sounds somewhat like a pain but not enough to kick her out. Also, this should be your daughter's decision, not yours. If she wants to end their friendship, let your daughter do it. And yes, I still think you need to pay her back for her dress.

STARMOON44

Again, these are grown ups. You don't reward, punish, or chastise. If your daughter wants this woman out of her life, she handles it.

steign

If your daughter is requiring that she has her hair & makeup done then yes, she does need to pay for it.

Also, the fact that she is unemployed has nothing to do with it. How her parents spend their money on their daughter is not your business.

You don't get to dictate who your daughter is friends with and who is in her BP.

ETA: spelling/clarity

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-behavior?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e8624-079e-468e-b2b4-8bc8f6422547Post:e9c7cae8-5757-48ff-947a-44b9d8cdee35">Re: Bad Behavior/More Info</a>:
[QUOTE]The BM was very rude and b...tchy to my youngest daughter and me. She harrassed the waitress at the dinner, and despite agreeing before hand to contribute $ to the dinner, she refused at the restaraunt. She isolated herself , with one other BM, at the clubs, and made no attempt to speak to anyone else, including the bride! Everyone was extremely uncomfortable. She does not drink, so ETOH was not the cause of her bad behavior.  She called the bride a few weeks ago and complained that the bride was not paying for the bridesmaids hair/makeup/flights/ or hotel rooms. The BM is being married in  few months as well, and her parents are paying for everything. BTW, The BM is not employed. She knew what the arrangements were for almost a year, and no other BM has complained, so I don't get it.  If she has no shame to behave that way in front of me, I am her bad behavior will come to the wedding if she does. Why would I want someone to be there, who has been rude and insulting to me or my other daughter? I also do not think we need to reimburse her, for her bad behavior. Am I wrong? Would you want a person l that did that to your mom or sister in the WP? Frustrated MOB
Posted by KatherineL02[/QUOTE]
None of those things sound like friendship-ending offenses to me. Plus everything Stage said. 

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-behavior?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e8624-079e-468e-b2b4-8bc8f6422547Post:556637ab-a8e2-403c-b28f-ad6b90463f1b">Re: Bad Behavior</a>:
[QUOTE]Dude, it is not. your. call.   It doesn't matter if *I* would want that person there or not, it matters if your daughter wants her there.  And if she doesn't, she handles it like a grown up.   And by the way, if your daughter is requiring hair and makeup, she SHOULD pay for it.  And if your daughter kicks her out of the wedding, yes she SHOULD reimburse her.  
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Read this ^^^  Then re-read this.  Stage is wise, please take her advice into consideration.

The employment status of said BM is NOYB and has nothing to do with anything. 

[Deleted User]

Again, just stay out of it. Her behavior towards you or your other daughter has no bearing on the relationship the bride wants with her. Neither do your hurt feelings. If the bride wants to kick her out, she can do so. However, it will end the friendship and, in my book, none of this is behavior worth ending a friendship over. Also, I don't see how this kind of behavior will affect the wedding. If she decides to talk to one person all night, who cares. If she's rude to you, just don't associate with her. There will be a lot going on that night. No one will notice.

Also, as others have said, if hair/makeup is required, the bride should be paying. If it's optional, just tell the friend "no worries, you don't have to get your hair and makeup done. You'll still look fantastic the day of."

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bad-behavior?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e8624-079e-468e-b2b4-8bc8f6422547Post:e9c7cae8-5757-48ff-947a-44b9d8cdee35">Re: Bad Behavior/More Info</a>:
[QUOTE]The BM was very rude and b...tchy to my youngest daughter and me. She harrassed the waitress at the dinner, and despite agreeing before hand to contribute $ to the dinner, she refused at the restaraunt. She isolated herself , with one other BM, at the clubs, and made no attempt to speak to anyone else, including the bride! Everyone was extremely uncomfortable. She does not drink, so ETOH was not the cause of her bad behavior.  She called the bride a few weeks ago and complained that <strong>the bride was not paying for the bridesmaids hair/makeup</strong>/flights/ or hotel rooms. The BM is being married in  few months as well, and<strong> her parents are paying for everything</strong>. <strong>BTW, The BM is not employed</strong>. <strong>She knew what the arrangements were for almost a year, and no other BM has complained, so I don't get it. </strong> If she has no shame to behave that way in front of me, I am her bad behavior will come to the wedding if she does. Why would I want someone to be there, who has been rude and insulting to me or my other daughter? I also do not think we need to reimburse her, for her bad behavior. <strong>Am I wrong</strong>? Would you want a person l that did that to your mom or sister in the WP? Frustrated MOB
Posted by KatherineL02[/QUOTE]

I'll take these in bullet points:

1) If your daughter is requiring hair and makeup to be done for her wedding, she (the bride) should pay for it. The bride is not responsible for paying for flights and hotels though.

2) None of your business. Stay out of her/her parents finances.

3) It sounds like the BM has bigger things to worry about. Maybe the BM was hoping to have a job by now.

4) In short, yes, you are wrong.

Honestly, the BM sounds like she was being a taciturn so-and-so during your daughter's bachelorette party, but it's up to your daughter to cut ties with her friend or not. It's not your place to dis-invite her from the bridal party or the wedding, even if you are paying. And if your daughter does kick her out, she does need to pay the BM back for wedding expenses.

AdeleDazeem

Yikes.

As the bride, I'd be really upset if my mother was all up in my business of firing a bridesmaid a month before my wedding.  As if last minute planning and knowing your friend is acting like a douche isn't crappy enough!

Back off.  Let your daughter handle it.  Let her know that you don't care for the way the bridesmaid behaved towawrds you and your daughter, but remember that what happens next is not your call.  It's the bride's call.

Is your daughter coming to you saying "Please, can you tell her she's out and deal with drama for me?"  If so, have at it.  If not, take a deep breath and let her work this out with her friend.  Whatever decision they come to, you need to be okay with.

Peledreamsofrain

Complaining and being standoffish in no way has earned what you are proposing to retaliate with. You are talking about public humiliation, ostracizing, and financially gutting a girl because she didn't socialize the way you wanted her to. That's escalating wildly, and unecessarily cruel. Why do you feel the need to be so heavy handed over such a small issue? That'd be like the USA nuking someone because their embassador burped at a dinner. Serious overkill, and will have serious consequences when everyone wonders why you are bullying her

cbrown828

I don't have anything to add because all the PP's covered it and I agree with them. However, I am interested in what your daughter thinks about all this. Is she as angry as you or going along with it because you are so upset? I find it a little odd that you went not only to your daughter but to some of the other bridesmaids as well. Blurry boundaries.

button6004

OP, get your nose out of it. 

Everyone else has already touched on the important things (ie: Bride should pay for makeup/hair if required, if Bride decides to end friendship you must reimburse the BM for any costs associated with the wedding).

Something tells me, though, that we arent getting the full story.  I find it hard to believe this girl just up and decided to not contribute to the dinner after initially agreeing and that she isolated herself for no reason.  Maybe its that you dont know exactly what happened, but I'm skeptical that this girl, who must be good enough friends with your daughter for her to be chosen as a BM, would just suddenly become a raging jerk.  Further, has your daughter even considered asking if the BM is okay? Maybe theres something happening in her life that has her on edge and sparked the behavior.

KatWAG

If your daughter if old enough to get married, she is old enough to fight her own battles. Back off and let your daughter handle this.

banana468

Ditto everyone else. Also, is your daughter requiring that they stay in a certain hotel? That should be paid by her as well. While all of these are annoying they aren't warranting kicking her out. If those offenses were so bad I would have cut my MIL out years ago. Let it go.

MoonlightSilver

Sorry, but I think the MOB kicking out a bridesmaid would definitely give the wedding bad vibes. Stay out of it. 

Knottie_22383216

In my opinion, the bride needs to talk to her BM. This is her friend, she has every right to ask what the heck happened for her to act like that. Maybe something really bad happened in her life and no one knows (not saying that's what happened or even that that's an excuse). See if they can talk it out, let the BM apologize. If they can't work it out, have your daughter tell her she's uninvited. I would only step in if the BM throws a fit or creates more problems. I personally only invited my good friends to be in my wedding. I would like to think that if something like this were to have happened I would be able to talk to them about it. But it would be really. Ice to know that Mom is there to back me up if I needed it :-)

Amyzen83

"In my opinion, the bride needs to talk to her BM. This is her friend, she has every right to ask what the heck happened for her to act like that. Maybe something really bad happened in her life and no one knows (not saying that's what happened or even that that's an excuse). See if they can talk it out, let the BM apologize. If they can't work it out, have your daughter tell her she's uninvited. "

THIS! Based on what you said, it doesn't nearly sound as bad as some of the bridesmaid storied I've read about or my friends have experienced. I like the fact that you are concerned for your daughter, but this is HER battle, and HER friendship that's effected. SHE'd be the one losing the friend, and obviously she felt close enough with this friend to have her in the bridal party. It sounds like maybe being unemployed and her own upcoming wedding is now starting to get to her and she snapped. Either way, I suggest your daughter have a heart to heart conversation with her. I was a bridesmaid once, and  there were a few alpha female bridesmaids, not even MOHs who were trying to be bossy towards the other bridesmaids including myself. NOT COOL! If I were the friend, I'd feel extremely indignant if other people NOT the bride were getting in the business of my relationship with the bride. Maybe your daughter and the bridesmaid already had a conversation and made up?

Either way, it is not your place to make these types of decisions for your daughter.

KatherineL02

All is done. My daughter spoke with her BM and the BM cancelled her arrangements and is not coming. It is the end of the relationship. My daughter was prepared to end the relationship. The morale of the story is, do not invite someone to be a BM, if they are not a really close friend, or family. Thanks for everyone's input, it was very helpful.

banana468

It sounds like your daughter was very foolish if she wasn't close with this person but expected her time, money and emotional backup. And your daughter or you still owe that BM for her expenses.

Amyzen83

Sorry it turned out that way but I'm glad your daughter was the one to make that decision.  IT sounds like there was more drama in their relationship than you cared to share, and that's totally fine.  When I chose my bridesmaids, these were all women who I've known for years and have been consistant, as in didn't all of a sudden turn into someone else.  Thanks for the tip though!  I agree that your bridal party should represent the people in your life who are closest to you.

As far as rejected Bridesmaids expenses go, I agree with banana that she should at least be re-embersed for the expenses she accumulated since she's never going to wear the dress or any of the bridal party stuff.

Good luck with the rest of the planning!