Dear Abby

qwerty777

I was reading Dear Abby this morning, and the last post was from a woman who has been with a man for 10 years, yet when he is invited to a wedding, there is never "and guest" or her name on it.  He then calls up the host and says if she is not invited, he won't attend.  She feels this is incredibly rude and makes her uncomfortable.  Abby agreed, saying he was "blackmailing" the hosts and they would sometimes say "sorry, we'll miss you" instead of allowing him to bring her. 

I'm sorry, but I totally agree with the husband! I'd be pissed if FI was getting wedding invites that didn't include me, and then went to the wedding, telling me I wasn't invited.

Anyways, I thought you ladies might want to read this.
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby

Nebb

I think theyre both right and both wrong at the same time. It all matters in the approach - yes the hosts should have invited him with a guest (specifically her name if they know her and they have been together 10 years), and yes he is in some respects within his rights to call and ask if there was a mistake and if she can come, but the way it is described (by you, i didnt read it) he is being combative about it and giving them an ultimatum and "calling them out" on their poor etiquette, which essentially is also poor etiquette.

brookelynpaisley

I agree with Nebb. I also think it sounds like this woman isn't very well liked by friends if she keeps getting left off wedding invites. Even before I found TK, I knew that you invite people with their SO, even if you don't like them. 

banana468

Well, Abby is right in that you don't meet rude behavior with more rude behavior.

However the hosts of all those parties are rude not to invite the dude's SO. 

squirrly

That just sounds like a whole bunch of bad etiquette - on all sides - to me.

• The guy should let his friends know about his lady friend in advance.
• If they've been together 10 years and he finds it unacceptable to go somewhere without her, perhaps they should be in a somewhat more official relationship than merely "keeping company"?
• Hosts and hostesses should really give more thought to the "and guest" idea.  As these are a widow/widower pair having been together for 10 years after losing their spouses, I suspect that they are of an older generation and he may be extremely uncomfortable attending social events solo.  Whether his friends and family enjoy the lady's company or not - their invited male guest does.  Suck it up.

lauralaur

I agree with squirrly. "Keeping company" to me sounds like "we live together and are sort of in a relationship but in the end not really." Almost like the people sending these invitations don't think that she is a significant other and should be invited. (And she might not be a significant other.) If I was her I think I would be uncomfortable about attending these events as well.

qwerty777

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dear-abby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b07edc70-8386-4fcd-afc2-73d02284cff0Post:7a9e8e1b-6ec4-45f7-b75b-cf87575ceb7d">Re: Dear Abby</a>:
[QUOTE]but the way it is described (by you, i didnt read it) he is being combative about it and giving them an ultimatum and "calling them out" on their poor etiquette, which essentially is also poor etiquette.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

You're right, and if this were to happen with FI, I would never expect him to call them up and demand that I be invited, but I also wouldn't expect him to just do nothing and attend on his own.

 And in the actual article, he did sound combative as well, it wasn't just how I wrote it.

qwerty777

I was also confused by the "keeping company" part, but towards the end, she says "I feel that after 10 years, my name or at least 'and guest' should appear on the invitation or I should not go."

That leads me to think that they are in an established relationship, otherwise she wouldn't expect her name to be on the invites at all.

squirrly

I read it to mean that they live separately and "date" exclusively, but have a somewhat old-fashioned sense of modesty & may not really clarify or advertise their relationship for others.  I think trying a more modern approach to that might help get her name on invites.

I bet the guy's family sees her as some sort of money grubber or something, or they don't want grandpa to come with a date that isn't grandma, etc.  Without some more obvious affection on his part, they may have a hard time taking their relationship seriously enough to believe it warrants her name on the invite.

Goldlie11

It is a slippery slope, but I have to side with Abby.  No one is forced to invite anyone.  He is merely "keeping company with her", which leads me to believe that they don't live together.  The host is not obligated to invite dating couples who don't live together, even if they consider their relationships serious.  Many times guest lists are trimmed because of money and space constraints.  He has to understand this.  And if someone tried to force in invitation on me, I would say, "sorry you can't make it". 

If they do live together, than it is wrong.   

Catwoman708

Generally, it's rude to call up a host and ask to bring an extra guest.  And hosts are not required by etiquette to extend an "and guest" option to single guests. 

Of course, everyone knows that when a couple is married or engaged, they are a social unit and you don't invite just one of them.  

It may be considered mandatory to invite those who are in LTRs or living together as a couple nowadays, but it has not always been this way.  For those of an older generation, cohabitating or LTRs without benefit of something more official, are not always recognized as "socially acceptable".  Yes I know it's anitquated, but many seniors may not approve of, or still find it awkward to call attention to the living arrangements of others. 

So I think there is possibly a generational difference of opinion on what is "proper". 

But I have to wonder if they have been "keeping company" for ten years, then why she isn't being invited, and how well the hosts are acquainted with her and her BF?

dmbdbk

I read this in the paper too. I'm guessing he may be the grandfather or great-uncle to these events. While I am probably going to invite my great-uncle with a guest, it may not occur to some people to invite an older widowed relative with a guest if that relative lives far away and you've never met the person "keeping them company" during your visits to them. Another way to look at it, is if you do invite an older widowed relative with a guest, would they be offended that you thought they could move on from their great love? I could see some of my older relatives thinking that way too.

Regardless, I don't think he should have been so aggressive in demanding an invite. Maybe he should have just spoken to the family member and mentioned how much having a guest there to keep him company would mean to him.

banana468

Goldie, you honestly would omit the partner of someone simply because they don't live together even if the relationship has been going for TEN YEARS??

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dear-abby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b07edc70-8386-4fcd-afc2-73d02284cff0Post:47e5a901-4115-45f8-9464-79b971f3a0b3">Re: Dear Abby</a>:
[QUOTE]Goldie, you honestly would omit the partner of someone simply because they don't live together even if the relationship has been going for TEN YEARS??
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
What I said he that the host is not obligated to invite dating couples who don't live together.   I wasn't thinking about me specifically, just etiquette in general.  <div>
</div>

goheels05

I saw that too, but I agreed with Abby.  Yeah, his friends are rude for not inviting her, but two wrongs don't make a right.  Besides,  I feel like there has to be more to the story if she is constantly not being invited to weddings. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I kind of disagree about that Goldlie.

I'm sort of in this situation! My great aunt who is in her 80s just began dating a man she's known for 50+ years (he probably knew my grandfather, too). It occurred to me today that I should invite him to the wedding, even though they have not been together for 10 years and do not live together. She's OOT and will probably make the trip, as she does a lot of traveling. I just think it would be polite.

I also agree with Nebb - if he says, "I can't BELIEVE you wouldn't put Jennifer's name on the invitation. If she's not invited I'm NOT coming!" That's combative. If he calls and asks if there was a mistake, or refuses the invitation, that's proper. If he refuses enough, people will ask what's up.

Goldlie11

I think the distinction for me is that you must invite spouses and live-in partners.  Whereas it would be polite to invite couples in relationships who aren't living together, but not necessary.  That was what I was trying to get at. 

banana468

I don't agree with you there Goldie.  A couple who isn't living together but who have been established for years needs to be invited together.

I'm not talking young children but by the time you're a grown adult, you deserve to be recognized as a member of a social unit even if you've chosen not to "live in sin".  It isn't the living together that makes the relationship serious.

Goldlie11

I respect your opinion.  As a guest, I would not have been offended if I was invited to a wedding without my bf.  Now that I'm engaged and we're living together I would.  Like Abby said, usually guest limits are due to money or space constraints.  I can relate on both accounts.  I can only have 30 guests at my wedding (actually 29 because of my photographer).  I'm only inviting live-in couples and married couples.  It's not meant to offend anyone.  Currently most of the people are married or single (meaning not dating anyone in particular).  I'll reevaluate as the wedding approaches.  

banana468

I think you're missing my point.  If you decide that the seriousness of the relationship is based ONLY on whether or not the couple is living together or engaged and not other factors such as time, THAT is IMO rude.

For example:  DH and I were dating for two and a half years prior to being engaged.  After just 3 or 4 months, we knew we were serious but not ready to get married and we weren't going to live together without at least being engaged for personal reasons.

After DH and I were dating for about 9 mos, a friend of ours began to date someone and they also knew after a short time that they were serious.  She moved in about six months later and they were engaged after they were dating for a bit over a year.  During that time, DH and I still lived in our own separate places.

If someone decided to invite THAT couple as a social unit but decided that DH and I weren't a couple because of the lack of cohabitation, I would have been really p!ssed. 

That's the point I'm trying to make here.  Look at the big picture of the relationship before you decide who you are or aren't inviting because your decision can affect your friendships.

MyNameIsNot

The rule is married, engaged, living together or long term relationship.

I don't know how much longer of a relationship you can get than 10 years. 

This is why I'm a fan of just inviting everyone with a guest.  It's the norm in my area, and solves all these issues.

aallenba

When I read that I didn't get the impression that they were living together....which is probably why she's not getting invited. It sounds like his friends/family do not even know who this person is..considering she's just "keeping company"

banana468

Aallenba, I think the "keeping company" is the dude's way of saying, "I'm a grown man and don't want to refer to my adult peer as my girlfriend."