Upset over no plus 1

penad5

We made the decision that there would be no random +1's on the guest list, if you were not married, living common law, or in the case of one cousin about to move in together, you would not be extended a plus one

I received and e-mail last night from my aunt saying that my cousin is upset that she did not get a plus one and I should really extend the offer to her, as she'll be upset when she sees other people there with their SO's, and she was not given the option to bring a guest.  Also she said she "has been out a couple times with one guy"

To me I’m not willing to cave - we don't want random guests at the wedding, only those closest to us. 
I do feel I should call her, as I don't want hurt feelings, but at the same time how do you tell someone - sorry your new squeeze of 5 mins is not welcome - when they can't see the difference between a couple dates and living together.

How do you deal with this?

wadingmoose

I dealt with it by letting people bring dates

penad5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_upset-over-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b1749bd1-e5fb-4217-a515-c60614fc98a5Post:031c6bd2-593f-4b12-83ee-a9140d1b6f7a">Re: Upset over no plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]I dealt with it by letting people bring dates :)
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

As i said in our minds not an option - this is a small wedding and we want to know everyone who attends

danieliza1127

All you can do is contact your cousin and explain what you said here - that's a very intimate wedding and you allowed people with serious relationships to bring their significant others.  If you won't budge, then you just have to deal with hurt feelings.  Not saying you are wrong, just saying be prepared.

AdeleDazeem

If you drew a line over who would get SOs and who didn't, then call her up and tell her the truth. 

She's clearly upset and isn't going to come to her own conclusion of "ohay, okay... I'll let it go."  If you want to stick to your guns, then you'll have to be straight, truthful, and firm with her.

Hurt feelings are part of the game, here.  You have to decide what battles are worth fighting and which ones aren't.

parker624

you just have to stick to your guns. you did it for a reason and invitations are out/budget is set, so there's nothing you can do about it now.

penad5

Thanks all - I'll call her and have that awkward talk tonight, just hate that I have to explain/defend my decisions.
But as was said it's part of the territory

katiepoppy

How old is your cousin that your aunt is emailing you to tell you she is upset?

penad5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_upset-over-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b1749bd1-e5fb-4217-a515-c60614fc98a5Post:5d4a5686-1d96-4179-9dfc-32d72a2afbda">Re: Upset over no plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]How old is your cousin that your aunt is emailing you to tell you she is upset?
Posted by katiepoppy[/QUOTE]

She's 28 - you'd think at this point she could send her own e-mails, but what can you do

hugz415

this whole thing makes me nuts too.  we did the same and are not inviting plus 1's unless they are in a serious relationship.  i had it kinda easy though bc most of my married friends did the same thing so my single pals were already used to it.

in our case we plan to extend a plus one invite if we get enough regret RSVPs.  A friend did that for me at her wedding and I thought it was nice that she was doing her best to accomodate.  yes, it is our job to make our guests as comfortable as possible.  but people still need to be understanding that we do not have unlimited space and budgets to deal with.  And we are not doing it to be mean!  what is worse...no date or not being invited at all bc you couldn't afford to invite them and a guest?  And everyone knows its not about one person...if you do it for one it has a trickle effect and suddenly you are adding 30 more people.

[Deleted User]

she needs to get over it. and i'd email your aunt as opposed to calling your cousin. cousin couldn't be bothered to contact you directly, so i'd follow suit.

kelly&wayne

Everyone on our guest list who is in a serious relationship was invited with their SO but we drew the line at people who were only "seeing someone casually".  When each extra person is costing you or your family an extra $100 or more, I think people should undertand that if they're not in a serious committed relationship that you shouldn't have to invite them to your wedding.

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_upset-over-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b1749bd1-e5fb-4217-a515-c60614fc98a5Post:a4423c1b-3a74-42ae-8fe0-1682be7a0600">Re: Upset over no plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks all - I'll call her and have that awkward talk tonight, just<strong> hate that I have to explain/defend my decisions</strong>. But as was said it's part of the territory
Posted by penad5[/QUOTE]

This.
I hate to be mean here, but the situation you're in comes with the territory of determining someone's ability to bring a date by their living situation. What if they had been with their SO for years but due to religious beliefs weren't living together before marraige? If I were a friend or family, I would be very upset and hurt if I was told I couldn't bring my boyfriend of years because we weren't living together and hadn't gotten married yet. That would be like a slap in the face to me.

I know people have limits on how many they can invite, but I've never understood how some people define who can and can't bring a date based on things like their current state of marraige or living arrangements.

penad5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_upset-over-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b1749bd1-e5fb-4217-a515-c60614fc98a5Post:1c5263e5-950f-46d7-b51f-e91a072505bf">Re: Upset over no plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Upset over no plus 1 : This. I hate to be mean here, but the situation you're in comes with the territory of determining someone's ability to bring a date by their living situation. What if they had been with their SO for years but due to religious beliefs weren't living together before marraige? If I were a friend or family, I would be very upset and hurt if I was told I couldn't bring my boyfriend of years because we weren't living together and hadn't gotten married yet. That would be like a slap in the face to me. I know people have limits on how many they can invite, but I've never understood how some people define who can and can't bring a date based on things like their current state of marraige or living arrangements.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

I understand what you are saying - but in this case it's not a question of having a bf for years - she may have gone on a couple dates with a guy.  If someone had been with someone for years I would know they existed and maybe wouldn't have drawn the line where i had

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_upset-over-plus-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b1749bd1-e5fb-4217-a515-c60614fc98a5Post:b2c8f01e-e900-4ebd-ac55-c9a254c1ba54">Re: Upset over no plus 1</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Upset over no plus 1 : I understand what you are saying - but in this case it's not a question of having a bf for years - she may have gone on a couple dates with a guy.  If someone had been with someone for years I would know they existed and maybe wouldn't have drawn the line where i had
Posted by penad5[/QUOTE]


Well that makes more sense.

katbyrd55

IDon't let someone question a choice that both you and your soon to be husband made. Life will be full of just the two of you battling out things together. I'm sure you both taked over this choice and weighed the pros and cons. t's your day. You are the one paying for it, and in the end they'll get over it. It's easier said then done. But it's unfair for them to add stress to an already stressful time. Hope your day is wonderful. : )

penad5

Ya and the new chapter is the call last night that her whole family would no longer be attending the wedding, since i treated my cousin so poorly by not extending a plus 1
It's drama i don't need 3 weeks before my wedding

banana468

I think her family is being absurd.

As long as you're inviting people in LTR I think it's fine.  I never like it when the cutoff is "living together".