Need advice. Halp?

btrflykate1230

CN at bottom, if you want them. I'm thinking this will be a little long.

Last night I went to my parents' house and my mom asked me to lie to my Dad. She found a piece of paper with apartment listings next to the computer in my Dad's handwriting. I guess he's thinking about moving out. They've had marital issues for a long time now (like, for as long as I can remember) and I think it's slowly getting to that point.

I told my sister about this, and she knew that stuff was going on and thinks my brother has something to do with it. Apparently he's been getting into harder-esque drugs. Sister said that he went downstairs for 20 minutes and came upstairs all whacked out. We (meaning my parents, and my sister) have known for a while that he smokes pot, but sister said that he didn't smell like pot afterwards.

My sister also told me that some of my mom's jewelry is missing, she's had money stolen out of her purse, and that other things from the house have been disappearing. On several occasions my brother has tried to sell me some of his stuff (laptop, tv, etc.).

Brother also stole a check from his boss's personal checkbook and tried to cash it. When the bank called his boss and realized his boss never wrote out the check, the bank called the police. Police show up at my parents' house to arrest brother and he wasn't home. Lucky for him, his boss is one of my mom's clients (she is a bookkeeper) and he dropped the charges as a favor. My brother was never punished for this.

Instead, my Dad blamed my Mom for brother's said behavior because "she's home all day (runs business out of the house) and can keep an eye out on him". Mom's really depressed and upset about it. I want to talk to her about it, but I can't. My sister gave me all of the aforementioned information about my brother, which my Mom told her in confidence.

Brother doesn't care that he's wrecking havoc on my parents' marriage.

I want to help my brother so he can straighten up, but I feel like I can't help someone who can't even help himself. I also want to help my Mom, but don't want to lose my sister's trust.

WWYD, if anything? Do I stay out of it? Do I try to help my brother? My Mom? I just don't want to be a bystander when I love and care about everyone involved.

CN: Brother is getting into lots of trouble which is tearing my parents' marriage apart. How do I fix/help the situation, if, at all?

J&K10910

Is it possible that your dad is planning to put brother up in an apartment to get him out of the house? 

FutureMrsTR

Is there a chance that your dad was looking for apartments for your brother?  To get him out of the house?

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-halp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b174e89e-bc14-4bca-a232-0c3674475298Post:d8dca800-afeb-4b36-9bdd-3fb8a9f62f6a">Re: Need advice. Halp?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible that your dad is planning to put brother up in an apartment to get him out of the house? 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

That's what I'm hoping. This isn't the first time my mom has talked about dad moving out though.

ohwhynot

I must have missed it:  how did your mom ask you to lie?

As far as what can you do, there really is not much you can do beyond talking to your brother and asking him to straighten up.  He won't until he's ready, of course, and neither will your mom get tough with him until SHE is ready.

As far as your parents' marriage . . . stay out of it.   Really, I advise you to stay out of it AND not make your brother the scapegoat for their failing marriage.   Whatever problems they had may have been exacerbated by his screwups, but he's not responsible for ruining their marriage.  Children never really know what goes on in their parents' marriages, imo, even if they think they do. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think the time to help your brother was when he was getting arrested for writing a fraudulent check. I'm sorry, but I think your mother did him a disservice by getting the charges dropped. Getting that wakeup call (and possibly getting clean in jail) might have been what he needed.

At this point, I'm not sure what you can do. Your brother can only get help if he helps himself OR ends up in a much worse situation. And honestly, since he lives at home, your parents should really be the people who are on the front lines here. (Not just your mom, your dad lives at home too - now.)

I'm really sorry, Kate. I know it's hard to have immature, destructive family members.

xyrius

I agree with J&K.  I really think that your mom should have let your brother be charged as a "wake-up" call - because right now he's going through life with no consequences and he's just going to keep pushing the limits.

Other than that - *hugs*.  That situation really sucks. 

georgia_bride09

I agree with OWN, 100%.

Snippylynn

You know, I think it's an excuse to blame one parent over the other.  Either your dad is using it as his "way out" or he really thinks it's your moms fault, which is slightly ridiculous to me.  Parents are parentS.  It's not just your moms responsibility and it's not just your dad's.  That's annoying.

I'd probably just ask your dad, but that's me.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-halp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b174e89e-bc14-4bca-a232-0c3674475298Post:6cdd0e69-7cd8-4626-9910-c4f415c16d25">Re: Need advice. Halp?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the time to help your brother was when he was getting arrested for writing a fraudulent check. <strong>I'm sorry, but I think your mother did him a disservice by getting the charges dropped</strong>. Getting that wakeup call (and possibly getting clean in jail) might have been what he needed. At this point, I'm not sure what you can do. Your brother can only get help if he helps himself OR ends up in a much worse situation. And honestly, since he lives at home, your parents should really be the people who are on the front lines here. (Not just your mom, your dad lives at home too - now.) I'm really sorry, Kate. I know it's hard to have immature, destructive family members.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I agree with this completely.  Your mom is enabling your brother, big time, and it sounds like it might take some time for her to realize just how much she's hurting him. 

Beachy730

The problem I see is that nobody is really doing your brother any favors by dropping the charges.  I'm sure your parents are having a hard time admitting it, but honestly, if its that bad, someone needs to call the police after something is found to be missing.  Whether its you, your mom, or your sister.  Weed only lasts so long until people start looking for harder drugs.  And honestly it sounds like your brother is into something much harder, like coke or maybe even meth.  If you arent' smelling anything though, there's a good chance its coke. 

Maybe you and your sister can sit your dad down and ask him about the issues.  Don't even mention the apartment, just ask about your brother and go from there. 

dmiller9274

My ex had a terrible drug problem, so I can relate to the stress that it puts on everyone involved.  I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers because this is truly a sucky situation.

In my experience, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves.  I would talk to your parents (or have sister talk to them if she doesn't want parents to know she filled you in) and explain that they need for him to hit rock bottom.  They need to tell him to move out asap.  Don't give him a warning, or he'll use that time to manipulate them into letting him stay.  He needs to seek out treatment on his own, not do it to please the family, or it won't be successful.  Drugs have a way of altering a persons normal behavior.  When an addict needs to get more, they can find a way to justify any action to get more. 

It's a terrible situation for your family to be in, but you all need to stay firm and not help him at all.  He needs to WANT to get off drugs, or all of your efforts are for nothing.  You never want it to get to the point that you can't forgive him, or begin to hate/resent him. 

I don't really know you, but I've been there a few times with my ex, if I can help, or you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. 

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-halp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b174e89e-bc14-4bca-a232-0c3674475298Post:a3139466-d6c8-482e-a271-83e8c9441614">Re: Need advice. Halp?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you and mom aren't really the deep coversations, touchy feely type...?  If your main goal is just to support her (which I think is your best option at this point, and it sounds like she needs the support) can you have a girls day out with her?  Get her out of the house, spend some time with her, and just let her know you're there?  Or invite her over for dinner or something.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

That's a great idea! I think it would be good for her to get out of the house. Plus, she always loves seeing Declan. He really seems to cheer her up a lot.

FutureMrsFezz

As someone going through something similar (my sister is 20 and is heavily into prescription drugs) I'd say that if your brother is not ready to help himself than there is no use in trying. 

My parents (divorced) have put my sister into multiple detox facilities and a few halfway houses trying to help and she gets out and goes right back to what she was doing.   That being said, I understand how hard it is.  I've gotten to the point where I haven't talk to my sister in 4 months because my worry and sadness turned to anger and disgust.  My parents who were always civil are now fighting and bickering over what they should or shouldn't do for my sister.  So I can only imagine what it's doing to a marriage (on top of the problems that were already there).

I'd stay out of your mom and dads issues, but if you are willing to help your brother maybe look into AA or NA meetings and (I don't know how it works where you live) but we have county detox places that you can walk right into and stay for free to detox; you can give him the address. 

It's tough, hang in there.  My sister left for Loveland, CO last Monday to go to a halfway house.  Sorry this turned into a book, I know your frustration.

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_need-advice-halp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b174e89e-bc14-4bca-a232-0c3674475298Post:86a1b58b-463a-42a5-9200-3f12e98b6abd">Re: Need advice. Halp?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also I think you and your mom should look into al-anon meetings.  It's basically a support group of family/friends of addicts.
Posted by xyrius[/QUOTE]

A friend of mine who's an alcoholic suggested this too.

Thank you everyone. This has been extremely  helpful to bounce things off of people.

dmiller9274

If you do look into Al-Anon meetings, I would suggest maybe finding a couple and visit each of them.  It's the same with everything else, some are good and helpful, and some...not so much. 

Also, I would tell your parents to pull a credit report asap.  If brother is living with them, he would have easy access to open accounts in their names. 

SpookieCat

I'm not going to be much help, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. 

My parents divorced when my younger brother was 14.  He took up drugs shortly after that.  My parents had an exceedingly amicable divorce (they worked together at the same dealership for 13 years afterwards... with my stepdad too) but my brother nearly tore apart my Mom's 2nd marriage.  My stepdad never had kids of his own and he had a full-blown drug addict thrown at him.  He couldn't understand why my parent's couldn't control my brother better.  Eventually he learned that if my brother wanted it, he would get it, no matter what the consequences.

If your brother is stealing in those amounts I am guessing it has escalated beyond pot.  Keep your eyes open and if you can catch him in a sober moment try to talk to him about what he will be missing in life.  He'll probably deny but maybe you can reach him somehow.  He's still young and drugs have robbed my brother of the past 8 years (he's 24 now).  He honestly can't remember a lot of things from our childhood and events from the past couple of years.  He was stoned on Vicodin at my dad's 2nd wedding and wasn't in the wedding party for mine.  I treated him like a guest.  My brother lives on the couch at friend's houses and is continually broke.  He also clears $80,000 a year working construction but it all goes up in smoke.  My parents dread inviting him to family dinners and events but it's the only way they can make sure that he's still alive and gets some food.  Every time he comes over he raids the fridge and cupboard.

Good luck with the issues between your parents.  I hope that I never divorce but I know in my parent's situation it was for the best.  I hope that your parents can find a way to be happy too.

slubkin

I want to ditto what PPs have said already.  I worked for years as a drug counselor working with parolees, and then as a DUI counselor.

- Your parents have to set boundaries with him.
- Al-anon and Nar-anon are great for support and getting a sense of where your boundaries should be.
- Let him know you love and care about him and that you're worried about what might happen to him if he continues the way he is going now.
- Let him know you won't interfere with his choices because it's his life, but that if he continues to live this way you may choose to limit your contact with him.
- Let him know that if and when he decides he wants to change his life for the better, he has your support.
- Then let it go. 

We say in recovery, "Your bottom is where you choose to stop digging."  He may find that he hits his bottom pretty quick when your parents put him out and all of a sudden his addiction makes his life uncomfortable and inconvenient.  Or, he may spend years going downhill before he decides he's tired of living like that.  Or, he might NEVER be ready to change, and you have to come to terms with that possibility as well.

The hardest part of dealing with a loved one who is an addict (and the support groups can help you with this) is accepting the fact that no matter how much you want positive change for that person, you can't make them want it.  You can't give it to them.  They MUST want it for themselves because they are tired of the addict lifestyle.  The challenges that recovery forces you to make, the work that you must do to look at the ugly and undesirable parts of yourself in order to become whole and stop using drugs or alcohol to hide from yourself... that stuff is emotionally difficult and can sometimes cause people to relapse.  It's crucial that he decides he wants it badly enough to do it himself.

If he DOES decide he wants to go into treatment, I'd suggest that at this point, detox isn't going to cut it.  He needs to go to a residential treatment program for a minimum of 6 months in order to give himself enough time and space away from his current life to address all his emotional baggage.  A year or 18 months would be even better.   Limit your contact with him during the first months of treatment or until the program says that it's ok- it may turn out that some of his baggage has to do with your family and it's often easier to work on that stuff if he doesn't have to face you all right away.