Frustrated...

MrsDrobie

So it may just be that I need to vent, please bear with me. This could be long.

I am a little frustrated and conserned at this point about one of my bridesmaids. I went to school with her and we are best friends. I live in Tucson and she lives in Florida. She has always been one of the most reliable people I know. So I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. I understood she would need to travel and talked to her about this and she still accepted.

So to start, time passes and she hasn't order her dress. I get conserned that she won't get it in time (being discontinued) so I talk to her and she admits she doesn't have the money. So I bought the dress for her. (She said she would pay me back, but I am not too conserned with that)

She is single, but I still accounted for her to have a plus one so she could bring a friend to be comfortable. She arranged to have a mutal friend be her guest. Well just this weekend she tells me she has another guest because "she can't travel alone" At this point I am a little annoyed because it adds to my tight count. But I go with it. I will figure it out.

Now I asked her a year in advance to be in the wedding so she could account for her travel costs. Time is getting close (it's in April)  and she messages me what she things it will cost. I ask her if she will be able to afford it and she says, "I don't know yet" Seriously!? You wait this long to not know if you can make it! Grrr.  So I ask her when she thinks she will, and she says she is waiting to hear from her aunt (works for the airlines) about a deal. This is fine, but it's getting close to not know if you can make it, plus I already fronted you dress money.

I am at a loss on what to do. How long do I wait to know if she is going to show up for it? Am I wrong to be frustrated?

Thanks

Mrs.B6302007

No, I don't think you're wrong to be frustrated.  SHe should have started putting money aside a year ago. BUT, it was her decision not to and it's done now.  If she can come, great.  If not, go on without her.  Keep planning as if she were coming until (if) she says otherwise.  As far as the dress goes, if she doesn't come to the wedding, you own the dress so you can try to sell it on Ebay, a consignment shop or something to try to get some of your money back.

I'm sorry she's being flaky.

em01092

Yep, I'd be super annoyed as well, and I'm actually going through a similar situation with a BM. Like PPs said though, unless you are willing to finance her travel, there is a chance she won't be able to make it, and there really isn't a lot you can do. Is she in any financial binds or going through anything stressful? Even if she has a good job, she could still be in debt or paying off this and that, but I agree that if she made the commitment to be in your wedding, saving to BE there is a big deal. 

It was also very rude of her to tack on an additional guest like that when you already granted her one. 

 

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b230f5d0-a736-4322-8c72-1da342012c7bPost:99aba8f9-8554-4229-9f2b-87e516da13ee">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP's - unless you can pony up the money for her to travel, you'll just have to leave this one up to her. I would also limit the number of guests she can bring, maybe unless you could squeeze an extra person in. I say that only because maybe she wants to bring that extra person to alleviate some of the travel expenses? <strong>And I'm so not usually the grammar police, but it's concerned*.
</strong>Posted by rachers1017[/QUOTE]

Thank you.

But yeah, it's okay that you're frustrated, I would be too.  She should have figured this out a long time ago, especially before you paid for her dress.

mari0225

I don't have anything to add really the other girls said it all, but I am sorry she is being flaky. Also it was very nice of you to front the money for the dress.

froggatt.clare

I also understand your frustrations OP, and agree somewhat with PPs that she has had time to financially plan for this trip.

That being said, we don't always know other peoples' finances.  Maybe she had a few big unexpected bills that you don't know about this year, and now she's scrambling to find a way to get to your wedding (hence the call to the Aunt who works for an airline.)

I can't say I wouldn't be annoyed in your situation, but I would not say anything to my bridesmaid other than:

"I really hope you can make it.  I wasn't planning on having another person apart from your plus one accompany you, but I can figure out something since you're a really good friend and I want you to be comfortable.  (Talk about something related to her job/love life/etc.)  Ooh, I got the dresses in and I can't wait for you to see them!  Should I mail it to you for alterations?  BYW, it cost $xx and it would be great if I could get your check by X date."

MrsDrobie

While I would love to front her the money, FI and I are paying for majority of the wedding and I do not have that money to offer. I deffintely can't loan her that money, because after the dress purchase I have heard nothing of her paying me back and I can't risk giving more money. I have asked her many times if she would be able to do it and that I understood if you couldn't and she kept telling me she could. I am just really frustrated about her taking so long to come clean about it.

A while back she lost her job and told me. I told her I completely understood if this changed things and she still insisted she would be fine to make it. She has had a job again for a while now, and got another job that pays better.

I understand that things change, I am perfectly fine with that. If she had to back out so be it. My main frustration is that she can't be up front about it. She keeps dancing around about it.

Either tell me you are going to make it work or back out. I don't think it's fair to wait until the last minute to back out though, when you know there is a good chance you can't pull it off.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b230f5d0-a736-4322-8c72-1da342012c7bPost:656f7bfa-b9a9-439e-a908-d88e849205e7">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]While I would love to front her the money, FI and I are paying for majority of the wedding and I do not have that money to offer. I deffintely can't loan her that money, because after the dress purchase I have heard nothing of her paying me back and I can't risk giving more money. I have asked her many times if she would be able to do it and that I understood if you couldn't and she kept telling me she could. I am just really frustrated about her taking so long to come clean about it. A while back she lost her job and told me. I told her I completely understood if this changed things and she still insisted she would be fine to make it. She has had a job again for a while now, and got another job that pays better. I understand that things change, I am perfectly fine with that. If she had to back out so be it.<strong> My main frustration is that she can't be up front about it. She keeps dancing around about it. Either tell me you are going to make it work or back out. I don't think it's fair to wait until the last minute to back out though, when you know there is a good chance you can't pull it off.</strong>
Posted by Starbrite_86@msn.com[/QUOTE]

I agree with you, she's an adult she ought to know if she can or can't make it and be honest with you about it. I

froggatt.clare

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b230f5d0-a736-4322-8c72-1da342012c7bPost:656f7bfa-b9a9-439e-a908-d88e849205e7">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE]While I would love to front her the money, FI and I are paying for majority of the wedding and I do not have that money to offer. I deffintely can't loan her that money, because after the dress purchase I have heard nothing of her paying me back and I can't risk giving more money. I have asked her many times if she would be able to do it and that I understood if you couldn't and she kept telling me she could. I am just really frustrated about her taking so long to come clean about it. A while back she lost her job and told me. I told her I completely understood if this changed things and she still insisted she would be fine to make it. She has had a job again for a while now, and got another job that pays better. I understand that things change, I am perfectly fine with that. If she had to back out so be it. My main frustration is that she can't be up front about it. She keeps dancing around about it. Either tell me you are going to make it work or back out. I don't think it's fair to wait until the last minute to back out though, when you know there is a good chance you can't pull it off.
Posted by Starbrite_86@msn.com[/QUOTE]

Ok, that makes a bit more sense.  But maybe she's embarassed that she can't afford it.  I was 'underemployed' and financially struggling for almost 3 years and would lie awake worrying about money, but on the surface I looked fine, and none of my friends knew about it.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_frustrated-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b230f5d0-a736-4322-8c72-1da342012c7bPost:656f7bfa-b9a9-439e-a908-d88e849205e7">Re: Frustrated...</a>:
[QUOTE] My main frustration is that she can't be up front about it. She keeps dancing around about it. Either tell me you are going to make it work or back out. I don't think it's fair to wait until the last minute to back out though, when you know there is a good chance you can't pull it off.
Posted by Starbrite_86@msn.com[/QUOTE]


I would be frustrated by this too.  But she is probably embarassed to talk about her current financial situation.  Just stop mentioning the wedding to her.  If she tells you she can come, great!  If she says she can't afford it, say you will miss her on your wedding day.  I would also try to resell the bridesmaid dress how ever you can - ebay, consignment shop, etc.

MrsDrobie

Thanks,

And for the record, I don't bring the wedding up to her. She brings it up. I only talk to her to let her know normal stuff like the hotel we have a block at and stuff. Other than that I am trying to jsut go with it.

We will see.

freebread03

That sucks.  Flying to Tucson is definitely expensive, but there are deals, so hopefully she'll be able to find one (I grew up in Tucson, and my parents still live there, so I fly from DC once or twice a year).  If she's unable to make it, she's taking herself out of the wedding unfortunately.  It sounds like you've been as accomodating as possible, but now, just let it rest.

MrsDrobie

Yes, I have tried my best. I was looking at prices yesterday to see if maybe if we found a good deal I could throw in a little to help. I found a pretty good deal for a flight, hotel, and car rental for 3 days for $850. So I messaged her asking what she had found again(my phone deleted her messages) and she said $1,400.

Come to find out, she is set on staying at a very pricey resort. This annoys me a little bit more. There are plenty of good options but she may not come not because she can't afford it, but because she will only come if she gets the best. Grr....

Oh well I guess. I tried to see what I can do.