One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!

JaimiandJohn

Okay...Im 18 days out from my wedding...super excited but over the top with my stress level! No one could have prepared me for all the stress that comes with planning a wedding. We dont have a wedding cordinator so Im doing this 100% on my own, my mother isnt even helping in ANY way shape or form. My MOH had surgery on her feet 2 1/2 weeks ago and now, she may not be able to be in the wedding because she will have a really hard time walking. Im 2 1/2 weeks out and dont know if Ill have a MOH?!?!??!? So, since she cant do much of anything now a lot of the responsibility is falling on one of my other BM's. She has been wonderful and really doing a good job. She has even planned the Bridal Shower all on her own!  I really am greatful for all that she is doing. However, today she drops the bomb on me that she doesnt want t o sit at the head table, with the rest of the bridal party, she wants to be able to sit w/ her husband since he doesnt know anyone and will feel uncomfortable. I told her that I understood and that I would only want her to sit at the head table while we eat and do the toast, after that I dont mind if she leaves the table to sit w/ her husband. I even offered to sit her on the end of the head table and to put him at the table right next to us so they could be near one another. That wasnt good enough. She wants to sit with him while they eat. Mind you, I have already offered to make accomodations by moving our children (at the table next to ours) so her husband may be by her. Am I being totally unreasonable? The MOH (should she be able to be in the wedding) husband doesnt know anyone either, yet shes not asking to sit away from the rest of the table to be by him...what do I do? My BM and I have gone back and forth 2-3 times over this!!!! HELP!!!! I dont want to cause friction or put a strain on our friendship over this. She's already a little upsset that her children cant come but one one elses children are coming either. Just our own children and our nieces and nephews, most of which are in the wedding!!!
Do I give in and let her sit at a different table w/ her husband or do I stand my ground and risk her being upset with me?

Moneypenny424

Don't have a head table.  Allow your wedding party to sit with their dates.  Sorry, but your BM is right.

waltzingmatilda13

Oh goodness, I got to !?!?!?!? and gave up.

vannymuse

I think you should just let her sit a different table. With 18 days to go, you have way more important things to worry about

AllAboutTheBenjamin

What's the big deal about letting her sit with her husband?

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the whole bridal party wasn't at the head table.  But that doesn't mean she MUST sit there.

Who cares.  She planned your bridal shower and is being really helpful with your MOH.  Let her sit where she wants.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:7fa3f433-9e7e-4e43-a88a-03b78fceffe8">One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay...Im 18 days out from my wedding...super excited but over the top with my stress level! No one could have prepared me for all the stress that comes with planning a wedding. We dont have a wedding cordinator so Im doing this 100% on my own, my mother isnt even helping in ANY way shape or form. My MOH had surgery on her feet 2 1/2 weeks ago and now, she may not be able to be in the wedding because she will have a really hard time walking. Im 2 1/2 weeks out and dont know if Ill have a MOH?!?!??!? So, since she cant do much of anything now a lot of the responsibility is falling on one of my other BM's. She has been wonderful and really doing a good job. She has even planned the Bridal Shower all on her own!  I really am greatful for all that she is doing. However, today she drops the bomb on me that she doesnt want t o sit at the head table, with the rest of the bridal party, she wants to be able to sit w/ her husband since he doesnt know anyone and will feel uncomfortable. I told her that I understood and that I would only want her to sit at the head table while we eat and do the toast, after that I dont mind if she leaves the table to sit w/ her husband. I even offered to sit her on the end of the head table and to put him at the table right next to us so they could be near one another. That wasnt good enough. She wants to sit with him while they eat. Mind you, I have already offered to make accomodations by moving our children (at the table next to ours) so her husband may be by her. <strong>Am I being totally unreasonable?</strong> The MOH (should she be able to be in the wedding) husband doesnt know anyone either, yet shes not asking to sit away from the rest of the table to be by him...what do I do? My BM and I have gone back and forth 2-3 times over this!!!! HELP!!!! I dont want to cause friction or put a strain on our friendship over this. She's already a little upsset that her children cant come but one one elses children are coming either. Just our own children and our nieces and nephews, most of which are in the wedding!!! Do I give in and let her sit at a different table w/ her husband or do I stand my ground and risk her being upset with me?
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]

Yes.  You are being totally unreasonable.  Your attitude of worrying about YOU not having a MOH instead of being concerned for her condition is selfish and immature.  And when else will you be seated EXCEPT when eating and making toasts?  Telling her she can go sit by her husband while everyone is dancing is a dumb suggestion and not a compromise at all.

ricksang

Okay, well she did help you with a lot of stuff since the MOH could not. Why can't she sit with her H?

direy25

Put yourself in her shoes.  Wouldn't you feel uncomfortable if your husband was forced to sit through a wedding at a table where he doesn't know anybody? 

salt78

This is why head tables suck. I would want to sit with my husband too. 

SarahPLiz

If your MOH doesn't come, then move everyon at the table over one, and BM's husband can sit right next to her.

Birdie1483

Absolutely no one but yourself will notice if she's not at the table with you. Let her sit by her husband if it will make them more comfortable. She's done a lot for you. It's the least you can do.

cengle

If you're that concerned with having your BM sit at the head table, why don't you let her husband sit next to her at the table?  That's what I did; the spouses/dates of the bridal party sat up at the "head" table with us.  It wasn't a big deal, and everyone was happy.  It was just sort of a big table.

ootmother2

You're wrong.  Your BM is right.


next?

shellydiane820

Good grief, I had a panic attack just reading this.  OMG OMG OMG!

Liberty27

I would say let her sit with her husband if she really wants to.

Side note, isn't it a little co-dependent to HAVE to sit with your husband?  If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:71fb2777-eac3-4251-b46d-4ae0e8c3b528">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

<div>Being introverted =/= wanting to be left alone with a bunch of strangers. </div>

SarahRuthG

Our entire wedding party is absolutely in love with us because we aren't doing that horrid head table thing...

Its uncomfortable to people to sit in a long line and eat with guests watching them.

Look at the big picture. If the head table is so important to you that you are going to risk making a near and dear friend upset and uncomfortable then have your head table. But if you realize that the wedding is about you and your fiance and not about people sitting in a pretty line you will probably make a lot of people very happy.

wadingmoose

Tea.  I recommend tea, preferably herbal.

It would appear that you need to avoid caffeine.  Perhaps in addition to tea, you may want to talk to your doctor about your blood pressure.   I'm also somewhat concerned about these irrational panic attacks you seem to have.

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:71fb2777-eac3-4251-b46d-4ae0e8c3b528">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say let her sit with her husband if she really wants to. Side note, isn't it a little co-dependent to HAVE to sit with your husband?  If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

No it's not co-dependent. When you are married and go to events together, you usually do things <em>together</em> at said event.

JoyTate1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:71fb2777-eac3-4251-b46d-4ae0e8c3b528">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Side note, isn't it a little co-dependent to HAVE to sit with your husband?  If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]
Um, I think it is being thoughtful of your spouse who knows NO ONE.  FI doesn't talk to strangers, but when around people he knows is very lively and fun. 

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:e7bd4987-12a6-405f-b4e5-b8b7126e3ff1">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP! : Being introverted =/= wanting to be left alone with a bunch of strangers. 
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'm with Salt. I'm not codependent on my husband, but sitting and eating dinner with a bunch of people you don't know is awkward.  And you shouldn't make your bridal party and their spouses awkward.  They're supposed to be those closest to you. 

shellydiane820

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:71fb2777-eac3-4251-b46d-4ae0e8c3b528">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say let her sit with her husband if she really wants to. Side note, isn't it a little co-dependent to HAVE to sit with your husband?  If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

People have different comfort levels.  I'm fine at a table alone with new people.  However, I was recently in a wedding and Nick had to sit by himself, he was terribly uncomfortable.  The only people we knew at the wedding was the bride and groom.  There's nothing wrong with it.  Its definitely not a co-dependent thing.  Nick would have been happy at any table where he knew someone.

direy25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:71fb2777-eac3-4251-b46d-4ae0e8c3b528">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say let her sit with her husband if she really wants to. Side note, isn't it a little co-dependent to HAVE to sit with your husband?  If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]
So because someone is quiet, it's fine to stick them in an uncomfortable situation where they don't know anybody? 

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:71fb2777-eac3-4251-b46d-4ae0e8c3b528">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say let her sit with her husband if she really wants to. Side note, isn't it a little co-dependent to HAVE to sit with your husband?  If he is so introverted that he can't sit by himself, won't he be quiet even if she is sitting right next to him?  At least that has been my experience with people who are quiet.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

I don't think it's co-dependant at all.  You're spending a night out together, wouldn't you want to eat and chat together too?

mags0607

Okay, first take a big deep breath and clam down. I know that with 18 days left to go, everything can seem overwhelming, but just take a step back from the issue at hand, and look at the big picture.

You have a friend in the wedding who has thrown you a shower, who has helped you out with things when she didn't have to, and who is spending her money to be in your wedding.

Are you going to put that relationship in jeopardy over where she sits for a few hours of her life?

I think head tables are awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved. If you are open to suggestions, you can do a sweetheart table, you can put your bridal party and their dates at a couple of tables, you can sit with your MOH and BM and their SOs or you can sit with your new husband and your children. All of these options would make everyone more comfortable.

To be honest, you are focusing way too much on the seating arrangements, and you are losing sight of the big picture.

I'm going to give you a piece of advice that someone gave me, and it was genius. 

 Your wedding planning will only be as stressful as you make it. Situations will affect you negatively and put a damper on the occasion if you let them. You cannot control some of the things that happen, but only your reaction to them. The most important thing is that you are married at the end of the day, that's the whole point of having a wedding.

ExpatPumpkin

Just do a sweetheart table with the two of you only.  You mentioned you have kids?  Have them sit with you if you want, or just have the two of you.

But let your bridal party sit with their dates/spouses at tables with their "people."  Scatter them among the tables where they'd really want to sit - with their own friends and families.  That's what we did, and we didn't face this drama.

Think about it.  Where would you rather sit at a wedding?  With your spouse and group of friends, or at a table where the only thing you have in common is the color of your dresses?

andy71781

find some xanax.

JaimiandJohn

Thanks so much! I think that with the wedding being so close and the stress piling up its making me a little nuts! I love my friends dearly and contrary to what "FutureMrs TR" says I am not just thinking about "ME". Perhaps when you get 18 days out you will be a little nuts too. That is, if your doing it 100% on your own as I am.
I do want EVERYONE at my wedding to be happy and comfortable, after all we did invite only our closest and dearest friends. And you guys are probably right, no one will even notice we have 1 less person at the table. Just needed some advice and clarity, thats why I asked!
Thank you guys so much!!! I thhink Ill go and take a xanex now! HA HA HA LOL 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

She's right, you're being rude. You shouldn't split couples up during the reception. Let your MOH sit with her husband too - she'll probably need his help.

And yes, you DO have an MOH. Just because she might not make it down the aisle and stand next to you doesn't mean she isn't your MOH.

Liberty27

I understand that codependency and being introverted aren't the same thing, and in this case if she asked to sit with her husband let her.  But at the same time, if you do have a head table you sit there for like, what, 45 minutes?  Can you really not be alone for 45 minutes?  

If you really want the head table, and this is your MOH, how do you know her?  If she is your best friend or what ever, I am sure she knows your parents.  Can you sit her husband with them? 

lnix

So Im just wondering... if he is so worried about sitting by himself during dinner... what's he going to do during the wedding?  Does he get to stand on stage too?

Personally, I think the BM should suck it up and her husband should understand that she agreed to be in this wedding without him.  Its one dinner for crying out loud!  Surely he can cope for 30 minutes!  Maybe he can make nice with someone at the rehearsal dinner and have a friend for the reception.

But whatever.... apparently Im the only one that thinks the BM should respect the wishes of the Bride and Groom!