One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!

FutureMrsTR

I'm sorry, where in your post did you express concern for anyone other than yourself?

ETA:  I'm glad you took everyone's advice to heart and are willing to compromise.

Stackeye210

You really should relax.  Plenty of us girls on this board planned our weddings 100% by ourselves and we didn't have to use that as an excuse for our behavior and/or stress factor.

In fact, the majority of us didn't get stressed at all.....we changed the things we could, picked our battles and prioritized our lists of most important things this close to the wedding. 

By the last 2 weeks I told myself if it wasn't done it was because it obviously wasn't THAT important, and accepted if it got done then great, if not I'll live. 

If you don't calm yourself down you're going to be very disappointed when your wedding day flies by because you spent it stressed out about every little thing going right.  Enjoy this time before your wedding, embrace it. 

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:62616846-8ded-43d4-a58d-c9fc07283903">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]So Im just wondering... if he is so worried about sitting by himself during dinner... what's he going to do during the wedding?  Does he get to stand on stage too? Personally, I think the BM should suck it up and her husband should understand that she agreed to be in this wedding without him.  Its one dinner for crying out loud!  Surely he can cope for 30 minutes!  Maybe he can make nice with someone at the rehearsal dinner and have a friend for the reception. But whatever.... apparently Im the only one that thinks the BM should respect the wishes of the Bride and Groom!
Posted by lnix[/QUOTE]

Should your wedding party all bow down and kiss your asses as well? If I was your BM and your treated me that way, I would step down.

pixiedust84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:00c139e1-8fcc-404a-a758-2157a47e56fa">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much! I think that with the wedding being so close and the stress piling up its making me a little nuts! I love my friends dearly and contrary to what "FutureMrs TR" says I am not just thinking about "ME". Perhaps when you get 18 days out you will be a little nuts too. That is, if your doing it 100% on your own as I am. I do want EVERYONE at my wedding to be happy and comfortable, after all we did invite only our closest and dearest friends. And you guys are probably right, no one will even notice we have 1 less person at the table. Just needed some advice and clarity, thats why I asked! Thank you guys so much!!! I thhink Ill go and take a xanex now! HA HA HA LOL 
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]

Well we can only go by what you say and boy did it sound like you were all about you.

Also just FYI - most of us are doing wedding planning on our own with our Fis. I don't have a coordinator and I'm not asking for or expecting any help from anyone else. So I would stop throwing that around like some martyr.

You get to sit with your husband for dinner. So should she. It's good you want your guests to be happy - letting them sit with their dates is a way to do that. Just drink a glass of wine, stop freaking out and focus on the fact you get to marry your love.

mags0607

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:00c139e1-8fcc-404a-a758-2157a47e56fa">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much! I think that with the wedding being so close and the stress piling up its making me a little nuts! I love my friends dearly and contrary to what "FutureMrs TR" says I am not just thinking about "ME". Perhaps when you get 18 days out you will be a little nuts too. That is, if your doing it 100% on your own as I am. I do want EVERYONE at my wedding to be happy and comfortable, after all we did invite only our closest and dearest friends. And you guys are probably right, no one will even notice we have 1 less person at the table. Just needed some advice and clarity, thats why I asked! Thank you guys so much!!! I thhink Ill go and take a xanex now! HA HA HA LOL 
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]

I am glad you are taking the advice.

Take a little time away from "wedding stress" and them come back to planning. Don't let the small stuff stress you out, because if you do, that's what you will be worried about and you won't get to enjoy your wedding as much as you should.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:00c139e1-8fcc-404a-a758-2157a47e56fa">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much! I think that with the wedding being so close and the stress piling up its making me a little nuts! I love my friends dearly and contrary to what "FutureMrs TR" says I am not just thinking about "ME". Perhaps when you get 18 days out you will be a little nuts too. That is, if your doing it 100% on your own as I am. I do want EVERYONE at my wedding to be happy and comfortable, after all we did invite only our closest and dearest friends. And you guys are probably right, no one will even notice we have 1 less person at the table. Just needed some advice and clarity, thats why I asked! Thank you guys so much!!! I thhink Ill go and take a xanex now! HA HA HA LOL 
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]

1.  I planned my wedding 100% on my own.
2.  I didn't go nuts at all - aside from absolutely hating my dress, but I certainly didn't panic about that.

pixiedust84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:62616846-8ded-43d4-a58d-c9fc07283903">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]So Im just wondering... if he is so worried about sitting by himself during dinner... what's he going to do during the wedding?  Does he get to stand on stage too? Personally, I think the BM should suck it up and her husband should understand that she agreed to be in this wedding without him.  Its one dinner for crying out loud!  Surely he can cope for 30 minutes!  Maybe he can make nice with someone at the rehearsal dinner and have a friend for the reception. But whatever.... apparently Im the only one that thinks the BM should respect the wishes of the Bride and Groom!
Posted by lnix[/QUOTE]

Well the bride and groom should respect their friends. If they are your friends why in the world would you want them to be uncomfortable? It's not even about the 45 minute separation - most people can handle that. It's the fact that at this celebration of marriage, couples are not being respected enough to be allowed to sit together! It makes no sense.

Fi and I have been to 5 weddings in the last year. One of us have been in each of them so we didn't actually get to sit together at one until a few weeks ago because the bride and groom had a sweetheart table. It was so wonderful to get to eat with fi and have that time at the table with him instead of making small talk with strangers. Yes I can handle being separated from him and I can still manage to enjoy myself but when the party is all about a couple it's nice to have the other half of your couple sitting with you.

BAH! Sorry so long! I just hate when people split up dates. Rude.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:8e4a7637-fb27-4d3e-8520-ce140b15e81e">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP! : I don't think it's co-dependant at all.  You're spending a night out together, wouldn't you want to eat and chat together too?
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

This. If I'm in a room full of people I don't know, I'll make the best of it. But if I know someone in that room - especially if that person is my spouse - I'll obviously be picking them for my table.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:62616846-8ded-43d4-a58d-c9fc07283903">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]So Im just wondering... if he is so worried about sitting by himself during dinner... what's he going to do during the wedding?  Does he get to stand on stage too? Personally, I think the BM should suck it up and her husband should understand that she agreed to be in this wedding without him.  Its one dinner for crying out loud!  Surely he can cope for 30 minutes!  Maybe he can make nice with someone at the rehearsal dinner and have a friend for the reception. But whatever.... apparently Im the only one that thinks the BM should respect the wishes of the Bride and Groom!
Posted by lnix[/QUOTE]

Well, at the ceremony, people usually STFU and pay attention. Unlike at dinner, where they make small talk.

It's not about CAN'T, it's about WANT. I'm sure the BM is already doing a hell of a lot - spending money on a dress, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, possibly a hotel room, a wedding gift, planning parties.

loop0406

I would let all my BP sit with their dates/spouses.

Liberty27

So if we are going to argue that you as the bride should respect a bm's desire to want to sit with her husband shouldn't we also argue that a bm should respect a bride's decision to have a head table.  I mean if you are someone's MOH, and they want you to sit by them for such an important event, wouldn't you do it?

I guess I just wouldn't consider sitting where I am asked to kissing the brides as$.  I would consider it one of the many sacrifices including in sharing my friends special day with her. 

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:00c139e1-8fcc-404a-a758-2157a47e56fa">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks so much! I think that with the wedding being so close and the stress piling up its making me a little nuts! I love my friends dearly and contrary to what "FutureMrs TR" says I am not just thinking about "ME". Perhaps when you get 18 days out you will be a little nuts too. That is, if your doing it 100% on your own as I am. I do want EVERYONE at my wedding to be happy and comfortable, after all we did invite only our closest and dearest friends. And you guys are probably right, no one will even notice we have 1 less person at the table. Just needed some advice and clarity, thats why I asked! Thank you guys so much!!! I thhink Ill go and take a xanex now! HA HA HA LOL 
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]

Trust me - xanax is your friend.

Signed,

Somebody whose wedding is 11 days away.

pixiedust84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:8e7ae4a6-ae92-45b4-9105-3d79b675c951">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]So if we are going to argue that you as the bride should respect a bm's desire to want to sit with her husband shouldn't we also argue that a bm should respect a bride's decision to have a head table.  I mean if you are someone's MOH, and they want you to sit by them for such an important event, wouldn't you do it? I guess I just wouldn't consider sitting where I am asked to kissing the brides as$.  I would consider it one of the many sacrifices including in sharing my friends special day with her. 
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

See now I didn't say that the bride should respect the BM's "desire" I said the bride should respect the BM as her friend.  Period. Respecting a friend does not include separating her from her husband. Sure I might want my BFF to sit next to me at her wedding but her date would be sitting on the other side. OP can have the head table - but dates should be there.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:8e7ae4a6-ae92-45b4-9105-3d79b675c951">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]So if we are going to argue that you as the bride should respect a bm's desire to want to sit with her husband shouldn't we also argue that a bm should respect a bride's decision to have a head table.  I mean if you are someone's MOH, and they want you to sit by them for such an important event, wouldn't you do it? I guess I just wouldn't consider sitting where I am asked to kissing the brides as$.  I would consider it one of the many sacrifices including in sharing my friends special day with her. 
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]
Sharing your friend's special day with her is a "sacrifice?" Really? No, it's not.

At an event that celebrates the union of a couple, it is hypocritical and ass-backwards to separate a couple.

There is no logical reason that the bride needs you to sit there at a head table. You can't even talk with her, as head tables only allow for you to talk with people directly to your left and directly to your right. The bride and groom are usually up and down taking pictures and talking with guests.
Why should the groom have to sit with no one they know just because the bride wants to be selfish and have her pretty matchy matchy table with her royal subject all in a line.

Liberty27

Wow I guess people have a really negative view of head tables.  Personally, of all the weddings I have been to I have never had such a horrible time with them.  I enjoyed being at my friend's head table because I got to visit with a bunch of people I normally don't because we all live quite a ways from one another.  I also had no problem talking to anyone in the bridal party because we could all hear each other just fine sitting in a row.  When Fi sits at a head table, it gives me the freedom to roam around and speak with whomever I want because I don't feel as if I have to stay right next to him.  I think this idea of "royal subjects" is a little melodramatic.    

lapcan

You are seriously stressing over this?  Don't have a head table and let your BM sit with her husband.  Good grief!  He doesn't know anyone and would probably feel better if he could at least sit at a table with his wife rather than a table full of strangers.

Brie2010

We had the BP plus guests at the head table.  Win-win situation.  She sits at the head table, and you don't have a pile of awkward dates to futz with on the seating chart.  Problem solved.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:2cc087d3-a42b-4635-a517-1d07a12b69d5">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I guess people have a really negative view of head tables.  Personally, of all the weddings I have been to I have never had such a horrible time with them.  I enjoyed being at my friend's head table because I got to visit with a bunch of people I normally don't because we all live quite a ways from one another.  I also had no problem talking to anyone in the bridal party because we could all hear each other just fine sitting in a row.  When Fi sits at a head table, it gives me the freedom to roam around and speak with whomever I want because I don't feel as if I have to stay right next to him.  I think this idea of "royal subjects" is a little melodramatic.    
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]
No, not at all. That's exactly where the head table concept came from. Royalty would have long tables and their closest subjects would sit on the sides of them. Everyone else would sit below them at other tables. They, too, would seperate couples if the spouse wasn't as important.
It's time to let this outdated practice die, dontcha think?

Also, it's great that you and your SO knew other people at the reception, but obviously not everyone is as lucky and outgoing as you are. :)

AmoroAgain

OMG you guys!  CLEARLY none of you planned the wedding ON YOUR OWN and are only 18 DAYS AWAY! YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME!

When I was 18 days away, I was just hoping my FI would make his flight in, and I hadn't seen him in a month.  That's what I was worried about.  Also OP, you are not Mother Theresa of weddings because you did it all yourself.  I got married in Michigan while living in Europe.  Try planning from 4000 miles and 6 hours time difference.  And yet, I never had a freak out about who was sitting where because IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Perspective.  Find it.

JaimiandJohn

OMG you guys!  CLEARLY none of you planned the wedding ON YOUR OWN and are only 18 DAYS AWAY! YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND ME!

When I was 18 days away, I was just hoping my FI would make his flight in, and I hadn't seen him in a month.  That's what I was worried about.  Also OP, you are not Mother Theresa of weddings because you did it all yourself.  I got married in Michigan while living in Europe.  Try planning from 4000 miles and 6 hours time difference.  And yet, I never had a freak out about who was sitting where because IT DOESN'T MATTER.

Perspective.  Find it.


*********Perspective....GOT IT!**********
Do all that you just said and add, a move, 6 kids, a father that wont be there, losing your closest sister, shall I go on???? Get a life and stop being so judgemental!


COMPASSION......GET SOME!!!!  

banana468

It's sad that you're going through other things as well, but that doesn't excuse splitting up your WP from their SOs.

It's rude.  Period.

Sure your WP can "deal" with things - but why do you want your wedding to be something that they have to deal with?

It's not appropriate to split the WP from their SOs.  And if you think someone who wants to sit with her spouse is codependent then demonstrate your independence and sit away from your spouse on your wedding day.

JessAndTrav

If I were in your wedding, this BM would be me.

Just have a table or two with WP members and you and your FI have a sweetheart table.

It's really not rocket science. If you do it that way, then they can sit with their S/Os.

quotequeen

Some of you clearly do NOT understand what it is to be an introvert.  If my FI was in a wedding where I knew nobody and I was going to be separated from him during dinner (which, BTW, is never half an hour when you factor in the service, the toasts, and all the other stuff), I would choose not to go.

JaimiandJohn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:2e07eda1-f928-42c4-b1f0-60f698140f56">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's sad that you're going through other things as well, but that doesn't excuse splitting up your WP from their SOs. It's rude.  Period. Sure your WP can "deal" with things - but why do you want your wedding to be something that they have to deal with? It's not appropriate to split the WP from their SOs.  And if you think someone who wants to sit with her spouse is codependent then demonstrate your independence and sit away from your spouse on your wedding day.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Going thu these other things has NOTING to do with "splitting up" my BM and her spouse. Perhaps you should read these post from the begining to get perspective on the entire conversation. As a matter of fact I have already come up with a new "game plan" for my "seating arrangment."  Also, I never said anything about any one being codependent at all.....that came from others that have posted on this thread. 

So...Problem solved..... My honey and I will have our sweetheart table and Ill have a 2nd table for my WP and thier SO's. I my mind, our WP SHOULD get recognition for being a part of our special day for all the reasons listed by everyone else here. After all, isnt that why people do a "head table" in the first place???   

Simply Fated

quotequeen - This is why my bf chose to not attend my friend's wedding when we were told we'd be split up. I didn't blame him and I understood. I wouldn't have attended, either. Both me and my boyfriend are very shy. My friendship with her and her mom hasn't really been the same since.


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:ef866968-d9ec-4652-85ab-e5cd983a6237">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE] I my mind, our WP SHOULD get recognition for being a part of our special day for all the reasons listed by everyone else here. After all, isnt that why people do a "head table" in the first place???   
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]
It's a poor way to recognize them. There are others ways to do this. People will know who the bridal party is by the ones walking down the aisle before the bride.

Also, a lot of brides cite other reasons than this one to use a head table, each reason weaker than the next.

lisarose7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_one-of-bms-wants-sit-seprate-table-w-her-husband-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b3e0e9fe-f1ba-4014-82cb-8add9a22d8eePost:ef866968-d9ec-4652-85ab-e5cd983a6237">Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: One of my BM's wants to sit at a seprate table w/ her husband at the reception!!! HELP! : Going thu these other things has NOTING to do with "splitting up" my BM and her spouse. <strong>Perhaps you should read these post from the begining to get perspective on the entire conversation</strong>. As a matter of fact I have already come up with a new "game plan" for my "seating arrangment."  Also, I never said anything about any one being codependent at all.....that came from others that have posted on this thread.  So...Problem solved..... My honey and I will have our sweetheart table and Ill have a 2nd table for my WP and thier SO's. I my mind, our WP SHOULD get recognition for being a part of our special day for all the reasons listed by everyone else here. After all, isnt that why people do a "head table" in the first place???   
Posted by JaimiandJohn[/QUOTE]

Perspective: OP posted that she can't understand why her BM insists on sitting with her husband instead of the head table and "OMG I'm planning this all myself and I'm allowed to be crazy and none of you understand because no one in the history of weddings has ever been in MY situation!"  Then she gets b*tchy with people who tell her to chill the F out by throwing out information that had previously been withheld and expecting us all to be mindreaders.

In her defense, though, she was NOT the one who originally implied that the BM was codependent on her husband for wanting to sit with him.

myother1

Just an observation: I love that the OP had the nerve to bring up compassion later in the thread.

ipen44

Yes, there are way too many details when it comes right down to the end.  You have counted out every chair and flower and everyone wants to keep arranging things to suit them. 

I do agree that if someone agrees to be your attendant on your special day that they could perhaps detach from their hubby for an hour.  It is not that big of a deal.

On the other hand, the sky will not crash if she is not at the table.

Will the bridal party enter and be announced??  If so, perhaps she could do this and have her reserved dinner seat with her husband while making and appearance at the head table.  They announce attendants and have them sit at the head table as they come in and then during a trasition event, she can slip away.

I was in a wedding last year when I was disabled.  My face was frozen and I could not eat.  I did not want to sit at the head table to eat because it would be uncomfortable for everyone to see me like that and unable to eat.  I used the slip out method during a transition to sit by another friend.  It worked fine and no one cared at all.

lizpatrick

I know I'm late and this could be totally irrelevent now, but yes you ARE being unreasonable. You could just have a sweetheart table and avoid the problem altogether. She's done a lot to help you, plus she has to spring for a babysitter, let her sit with her husband. Also it's just rude! 
SN: She's nicer than me, I'd have politely declined to attend at all if you got that indignant with me.