Am I a bad bridesmaid? (Yikes! Long.. sorry!)

shannonalise

I'm a BM in a wedding (cowboy boots, if you remember ) and I'm out of state (6 hour drive or hour flight). I just got a new job and it's been tough to be as involved in the wedding as I would like to be, being out of state and working full-time. I did, however, fly into town for the bridal shower a couple weeks ago, and the bride was surprised and very grateful to see me, but I had to fly back out that afternoon due to work.

The bachelorette party plans were up in the air for quite some time because the MOH was having a difficult time organizing a date that would work with everyone. Yesterday, MOH tells me that the date will be this Friday evening (very short notice). I told her that I would love to attend, but it wasn't possible, unfortunately, because I work Mon-Fri and some Saturdays. She texted me today to let me know that the date's been moved to Saturday now. I want to leave Saturday open, though, because I am probably going to need to work.

I just got this job nannying for a family of a 3 month old full-time so the mother can go back to work and I'm nervous about asking for her to find a replacement for me on such short notice. My gut instinct is that I should decline the BP because I'm already driving up there next weekend for the wedding, I just came back from a trip up there for the bridal shower, and I know that I'm going to get asked by the mother of the 3 month old to watch the baby this Saturday during the day. I could hop right into my car and make the trip up there for that evening's festivities, but it doesn't feel practical.

I let MOH know that it was going to be tough for me to swing the BP because mom of baby is probably going to ask me to watch her during the day on Saturday. Maybe MOH feels that I should just decline to watch the baby and make plans to be at the BP, but I really don't want to turn down any work right now. I want to be a good BM and bend over backwards as much as I can, but I feel like I'm stretching myself a bit thin if I make two trips up there within the next two weeks.

What are your thoughts? Would you be offended if you were the bride? Or MOH? Thank you in advance, as always, for your insight and advice!

shannonalise

Holy wall of text! I'm so sorry this was so long!

tidetravel

Work (money, living, etc) comes before a party, you know that.  You were up there last weekend for the shower, and you're going next weekend for the wedding.  You've far exceeded your "duties." 

I would call the mom to see if she needs you to work SAT - you don't have to wait for her to ask.  Let her know that if she does, it's fine, but if she doesn't, then you will be out of town.  If she does, then decline the B-party; if not, then you can go. 

Moneypenny424

I agree with Tide.  Going to a party (and therefore spending money in lieu of earning money) comes after work.  I wouldn't feel bad about not going at all.  You went to the shower, which is awesome, but don't feel obligated to go to the bach party.

[Deleted User]

I think you're fine by staying home. I'd be the same way, wanting to work since it's a new job and since you're already going back the next weekend. Plus, you went to the bridal shower, so it's not like you missed everything.

Assuming your friend isn't a crazy bridezilla, I think you should do what's best for you and not feel bad about missing the back party, and hopefully your friend will understand.

shannonalise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6a72b6b-62ac-4f7d-a04f-21e8064111b0Post:c9bb9543-a43d-46d4-8a07-df75a025eb2d">Re: Am I a bad bridesmaid? (Yikes! Long.. sorry!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Tide.  Going to a party (and therefore <strong>spending money in lieu of earning money</strong>) comes after work.  I wouldn't feel bad about not going at all.  You went to the shower, which is awesome, but don't feel obligated to go to the bach party.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

Something else I'm concerned about as well. Well stated! Thank you.

shannonalise

I just called baby momma (I don't know what else to call her) and left her a vm about working Saturday. I don't want to mention anything about going out of town if she doesn't need me, because she's really nice and she'll tell me she doesn't need me so I "can go." I would rather work and earn the money for the day, so we'll see what she says back.

But I know she's going to ask me to work. She sent me a text on saturday asking if I would be open to watching her during the day so she can get some things done. She said she'd think about it a bit more and get back to me.

btrflykate1230

I would go with what Tide said! That's a long way to go for one night!

mwhitson14

I always, always turn down other things before I turn down work. I feel that if I'm hired to do a job, I shouldn't be turning down the work that comes with it. This more applies to new jobs, but since I also work part time at all three of my jobs, I feel bad not working if it's offered. Sooo I guess my long winded response means I understand where you're coming from and I'd do the same thing.

shannonalise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6a72b6b-62ac-4f7d-a04f-21e8064111b0Post:c061fad2-5568-4f65-b15b-fefeededd5fa">Re: Am I a bad bridesmaid? (Yikes! Long.. sorry!)</a>:
[QUOTE]I always, always turn down other things before I turn down work. I feel that if I'm hired to do a job, I shouldn't be turning down the work that comes with it. This more applies to new jobs, but since I also work part time at all three of my jobs, I feel bad not working if it's offered. Sooo I guess my long winded response means I understand where you're coming from and I'd do the same thing. :)
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Thank you! The fact that this is a new job (and I'm the only employee she has..) really makes me nervous to turn it down. I'm still proving my reliability.

lauralaur

Skip the bachelorette. You've already flown in for a shower and are taking time off for the wedding. I don't know your friend the bride, but I can tell you that I'd think you were one awesome chick for coming in twice and yes, I'd miss you at the party, but would certainly understand. Like you said, as a new employee, you're still proving your reliability. You really should work if she wants you to.

PharmacyBride

I think you are absolutely fine to miss the BP as previously stated by PP.

Even if you were in the same town as the bride, I would say you have a pass... but since you are so far away.. you have even more reason not to go.

I think you are a good friend for even thinking twice about this!

melissamc2

As a bride, I'd be completely understanding of you missing the party.  My MoH will miss my shower because she's out of the area and we knew that going into things.

As a Mother who has hired nannies - I'd strongly consider relieving you of your duties if you tried to get out of a weekend with less than a week's notice having been with the family less than a month. 

You're absolutely right about proving reliability at this point and I think you are thinking very responsibly and rationally. 

Good luck!

shannonalise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-bad-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6a72b6b-62ac-4f7d-a04f-21e8064111b0Post:76897497-a3e8-4bb5-bbee-b5b14d6471a3">Re: Am I a bad bridesmaid? (Yikes! Long.. sorry!)</a>:
[QUOTE]As a bride, I'd be completely understanding of you missing the party.  My MoH will miss my shower because she's out of the area and we knew that going into things. As a Mother who has hired nannies - I'd strongly consider relieving you of your duties if you tried to get out of a weekend with less than a week's notice having been with the family less than a month.  You're absolutely right about proving reliability at this point and I think you are thinking very responsibly and rationally.  Good luck!
Posted by melissamc2[/QUOTE]

Thank you very much! I agree!

shannonalise

Thank you so much for all of your great suggestions and advice. I appreciate it!

Knittibell

Shower and wedding are more important than Bachelorette Party, so I think you're fine- your friend will definitely understand!! I'm kind of cheesy, but I'd probably get a funny card and send it to her telling her how sad I was not to be able to go, slip a ten in there and tell her to have a drink on me, and that I loved her and couldn't wait for the wedding!