Costs for a Groomsman - Horror Story?

gossipgirl1983

Just posted this under Wedding Party, but it may be more appropriate here...
I just started posting to the boards this week, so I'm full of silly questions!
Anyway, my FI was asked to be in a wedding a few months ago (couple has been engaged for a few years) for someone he isn't close with, but related to (he's a filler). A few weeks ago, out of the blue, he was asked to send the groom a check for $250 because he ordered everyone suits. My FI didn't want to back out of the wedding, because it was only 3 months away at the time, and he just felt bad. Now, the groom asked that the men get the suits tailored when they arrive (no idea what they look like), purchase specific $50 shoes (which my FI hates), purchase a specific shirt (another $80) and a specific belt. This in addition to the hotel room at the OOT wedding costing $225 a night. We're driving back home after the reception to save on that cost.
My question is whether we are crazy to think this is unreasonable? Also, my FI is pretty annoyed at the situation and wants to give no gift or a small gift. Is this appropriate? We don't want to cause any problems because he's family. I'd appreciate any advice you have!

Wiscisbliss

I would be annoyed, and give a small gift due to all of the other expenses (not out of annoyance). 

jemmini6

I would be annoyed.  FI was actually in a similar situation a couple months ago and dealing with a groomzilla.  He ended up getting demoted to an usher because he refused to pay the outrageous sums of money for tuxes, bachelor parties, etc that the groom was demanding.  We did not get them a gift or even a card and we left their wedding right after dinner.

redheadfsu

I would have backed out, but just give a card. No gift required. They are being very unreasonable. The couple should ask the wedding party what they can afford, not demand payment for things they bought without any discussions.

mica178

Wow, that's horrible.  Can your FI talk the situation over with the groom? 

As you know, gifts are always voluntary, so if you can't afford one (or don't feel like giving one) after all the other wedding-related expenses, so be it.  Just write a nice card.

MelissaAnne88

I would have been annoyed, and therefore not wanted to be involved in the wedding any longer. Especially since your FI didn't really care about being in the wedding in the first place...

Sounds like they are being completely unreasonable!

thesequel

I'd get a really nice card and just offer congratulations to the couple.

The over the top attire cost is their gift!

gossipgirl1983

Thanks, Knotties, my FI is loving this because he's really been struggling with this!

He spoke to the groom and "got out of" the RD (which is being held 2 days before the wedding so we'd have to get a hotel room for at least 2 nights - the day in between is for "sailing") and decided to purchase cheaper (but similar looking) shoes + belt (he let the groom know). Other than that, the groom has been pretty unresponsive to his concerns (they e-mail each other, he doesn't even have the groom's phone #). My FI also passed on the 3 night Vegas extravaganza. To be honest, I think this is a case of the groom being told what to do by his bridezilla.

The problem is that it's his cousin and my FI loves his aunt & uncle, so that's why he didn't back out sooner. 

I think we may just go with the card, I just hope they won't be too offended by it. Although I'm certainly offended by the fact that they never asked my FI what his budget was!

Brandiewine11

You're fine with just giving a card. This is pretty unreasonable. He should have asked what you could afford. It's good your FI has been able to reduce some of the costs. The last wedding my FI was in, the groom told them the tux rental was $100, then when they showed up to pay, it was $250...the day before the wedding!

gossipgirl1983

Oh boy, Brandiewine and mrs.jesse - those stories sound even worse! I really appreciate the advice. I think we'll reconsider the small gift (I'm not being super controlling, we're domestic partners and have shared finances for a while, haha) just because he is family, but in the future, i'm going to advise him to back out at the first sign of trouble!

ShakeUpTampa

That's insane my dress might only cost $99 if I get lucky...$80 for ONE SHIRT I would never even do for myself lol

JanoBean75

I think our GMs paid $125 for the tux, shirt, vest, tie, handkerchief, and shoes. The whole outfit. H's was free since we needed more than four.

gossipgirl1983

I guess some people just live on another planet! :-P

niquemel

considering you have the specific attire AND the OOT expenses, unless you have a lot of money laying around, that's pretty unreasonable to even expect a gift from you guys.

gossipgirl1983

I thought they would sympathize more - they've been engaged 3+ years and were apparently paying for their own wedding, which is why they waited. We put off our wedding because we're paying for it ourselves and we need to save money. We're worried that $100 tux rentals are a lot of money, not forcing people to pay tons of money to complete our "vision." Argh, so annoying.

I should mention, they did offer to buy the ties (my guess - the ties are a "groomsman's gift" or FI is getting an invoice for them!), hahaha.

vexie

Oh yeah, that's super expensive and I'd be really annoyed.  I do find it slightly ironic, though, that so many are so upset by this.... isn't this exactly what many brides do to their bm's?   Here on the Knot I've read of bridesmaids dresses of $300 dollars then you add in the shoes, jewellery, hair, makeup.. some are made to take dance lessons, get spray tans etc etc.   Plus they have to through a bachelorette party and a wedding shower on top!  This whole wedding business has gotten out of the control and sure seems to bring out the worst in folks.   Such a shame.

gossipgirl1983

Sorry - I forgot to mention that he said ordered the suits first (he said he "negotiated a buy one get one free" on the suits), then asked for the checks, and only recently asked for their sizes. My FI didn't send the groom a check and doesn't plan on sending it until he actually gets the suit. 

What's more ridiculous is that my FI found out they are linen suits - he can't even re-use such a thing. Where on earth do you find $250 (discounted apparently from $500) linen suits and think it's a good idea!?

wicked+faery

buy a very similar/cheaper shirt & shoes that's ridiculous...especially on top of the $250 suit plus alterations...they should've found out what u could afford before sending u a bill & list of demands. & u can probably find a cheaper hotel nearby the wedding.

wicked+faery

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-groomsman-horror-story?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6c5975a-e7fb-4fa8-a305-ebcd656d7002Post:1a0e24dc-32f0-452f-9aa0-b591a666af3d">Re: Costs for a Groomsman - Horror Story?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh yeah, that's super expensive and I'd be really annoyed.  I do find it slightly ironic, though, that so many are so upset by this.... isn't this exactly what many brides do to their bm's?   <strong>Here on the Knot I've read of bridesmaids dresses of $300 dollars then you add in the shoes, jewellery, hair, makeup.. some are made to take dance lessons, get spray tans etc etc. </strong>  Plus they have to through a bachelorette party and a wedding shower on top!  This whole wedding business has gotten out of the control and sure seems to bring out the worst in folks.   Such a shame.
Posted by vexie[/QUOTE]
lol i certainly cut down costs for my 2 BMs as much as i could. they got $100 dresses, picked their own shoes in red, & i got them necklaces & made their hair pieces. the guys just have to find a black suit with black ties & a pale green shirt. other than that they're good to go.