How do you deal with awful family members?

moonunit2011

So, I have 2 cousins, the 2 daughters of my mom's brother. With one of them, I am fairly close. She and my stepsister are my two bridesmaids. Her sister lives in another state. I haven't spoken to her much in the last couple of years, other than a brief "hello" when she came down to visit our grandparents a couple of months ago, and a silly altercation she tried to start on facebook. My bridesmaid cousin asked me the other day if I was inviting the other cousin. I told her that I wasn't planning on it, and why did she ask? She said because she spoke to her sister who said she was not going to come, to which she replied that she didn't think she was invited anyway.
It may be petty, but I have always begrudged my long distance cousin. We all grew up together, but as we got older we drifted apart. I honestly think she's a selfish, ungrateful b**** who takes advantage of everyone who crosses her path and whines too much about hardships she brings on herself. However, my mom and grandma say i should invite her to the wedding to be polite and maintain civility. I don't think I should have to invite someone that I barely speak to, and truly can't stand. My fiance has never met her, so he doesn't care. My aunt agrees that if she said she wasn't going to come anyway, and has an attitude for no reason, I shouldn't waste an invitation or my time.

Do I have to be the bigger person on this?

Sorry if this post was written in a confusing way.

laurenclaire1386

Is not inviting her worth dealing with her after you don't invite her? I'd probably just invite her anyway. She probably won't show up.

Beachy730

I'm usually the first to say invite family.  But if I read your post correctly, she was already told she probably wasn't invited after she said she wasn't coming.  So if I were her and got an invite now I would assume it was just for show because I already said i wouldn't go.  Just skip the invite and forget about it.

KatyRoseM

I would invite her, because it matters to the rest of your family.  You don't have to, clearly, but if htey want you to it might be worth it.

Celles

You don't HAVE TO be the bigger person, but honestly?  I would.  I think it's kind of harsh to invite the rest of her immediate family and not send at least a token invite.  It's also possible that your relationship will change in the future and you'll regret closing this door now. 

ohwhynot

What Celles said.  Also . . . she doesn't sound all that terrible.  She hasn't really done anything destructive to you. 


If being someone who whines too much about self-imposed hardships was the basis for not inviting people, my wedding hall would have been awfully empty. 

shaydenise

I'd invite her anyway.  She probably won't show up and then you look like the better person. 

suze423

Hmm...I think maybe it depends on what kind of person she is and what kind of family you have.  Yeah, she said she wasn't going to come, but there could be lots of reasons as to why.  Maybe she thinks you just don't want her there.  If not inviting her would cause a rift between you and other family members then you definitely should invite her.  If neither she nor any of the rest of the family care (which it sounds like they do) and you are absolutely sure she won't come then don't invite her.

I didn't invite one of my cousins because my aunt said matter-of-factly "Don't bother.  He won't come."

LD1970

Well, is there a relationship to lose there?  She already sounds like a snotnose for saying she wasn't coming to your wedding before even being invited.

Assuming you couldn't care less about a relationship with her (do you see her on a regular basis?  or at all?  would she be nicer if you invited her/meaner if you didn't?), would not inviting her ruin your relationship with any family members you DO care about - her mom/your aunt?  Her sister?  Other cousins?  Your grandmother?

If you lose nothing at all by not inviting her, you certainly don't have to.

If you do lose something, whether it's any civility from her or relationships with other family members, you need to weigh which is more important - your relationships with those people or being bitchy-cousin-free at your wedding.

Then again, if she REALLY means it that she won't come, you not inviting her is just a matter of principle, and you need to decide whether the principle of the matter is worth any family tension you might cause.

LD1970

Another consideration:  How many guests are you inviting/expecting at your wedding?  If it's 20, then maybe you don't want to deal with her.  If it's 100+, even if she's there you won't notice her.

Gismo123

It's your wedding so you can invite whoever you want...but then again you may want to be the bigger person for your family's sake.  I would go ahead and invite her and if she starts being rude have her escorted out and that will make her look bad not you.

beamer84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_deal-awful-family-members?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b9321b6e-fdfb-428b-acb9-6c67540b1a68Post:f710467e-bee0-43c7-943f-b7ae4826c648">Re: How do you deal with awful family members?</a>:
[QUOTE]Is not inviting her worth dealing with her after you don't invite her? I'd probably just invite her anyway. She probably won't show up.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

This. I invited a couple of family members I barely see just because I knew everyone would be happier to know they were invited.

ETA: Some of them came, and some didn't.

FutureDondada

I confronted my18 yo cousin about her drinking, drugs, and promiscuity and in return was screamed at by her and both her parents who claimed "You arent perfect so F off" Mind you I didnt drink till I was 21, never touched drugs, and was never a whore...but thats beside the point. My sister (who had nothing to do with any of this) and I were both told never to contact the family again. "Act as if you never knew us". Ok well, I am going to be the bigger person and invite them anyways. Wasted invite or not. Its my way of saying 'I know sht went down but we are still family and I'd still like you there" I could care less if I ever see them again....but kill them with kindness

moonunit2011

I can see both sides of this. I have a great relationship with my family and that wouldn't be affected by whether i invite her or not. She's not close to anyone except her mother, who is divorced from my uncle.

I have a lot of resentment towards her because she's very manipulative. She tries to cause problems between people, and I'm afraid she'll try to make a scene at my wedding or do something else to draw attention to herself. The only people invited in her immediate family would be her sister and her father-- neither of which she sees often.

Another problem i have with her is that she is very condescending. Since she is not happy (i don't know that she really has the capacity to be?), she wants to destroy other's happiness by pointing out flaws.

I wasn't invited to her wedding, even though it was 20 minutes away from where i live. Also, a lot of my family is hurt that she had her mother walk her down the aisle and give her away, even though her father (my blood relative) was at the wedding, and has never done anything to her to deserve being treated that way. It was very hurtful to him. Many in my family said if they had been there (i think the only ones who bothered to make it were my grandma and her parents and sister) they would have gotten up and walked out because, again, she did it to embarass him and make him feel worthless to her. Invite him, then keep him out of his traditional duties at the ceremony (which, again, i could understand if he was a bad father, but he's never done anything bad to her.)