When to give wedding gifts to parents?

Rosie109

Please just explain why

[Deleted User]

Does your bridal party know the situation?

Only curious, because I know I would be super excited to stand up with any of my friends, and if I found out legally it had already happened, I would probably feel like quite the fool, and more in a sad way.  Like PP's said, knowing what really is going on will just leave less hurt feelings.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:dcc804fc-bf40-4cf5-9bab-3d45963f43a9">When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]I’m sure most of you see this answer as pretty cut and dry, but my situation is a little different.    We are getting married on a beach in Oahu, Hawaii next month (super excited) and only our parents are joining us for this intimate ceremony.   Then we will continue our honeymoon there for 2 weeks and our parents get to enjoy 1 week on the island by themselves.    <strong>However, the Catholic Church does not recognize this as a valid marriage, so we are having a wedding back home in Pennsylvania on … April Fool’s Day.   The “surprise” is that none of our guests know this is happening.   They believe the wedding is on April 1 st (traditional ceremony/reception). In reality, they will be going to a church ceremony, but it will be a blessing (which isn’t too different than a full Catholic mass)…then onto the reception venue to party.</strong>   We hired a videographer in Hawaii who will be making a 3-4 minute highlight DVD of our wedding (getting ready and the ceremony).   We plan to unveil the ‘surprise’ DVD on a large projection screen after the bridal party and bride/groom are announced in the reception.  So…should I wait until the actual wedding day (January) to give them gifts….or wait until April 1 st , when we give out our bridal party gifts? Sorry so long and thanks!
Posted by Missa513[/QUOTE]


Wrong.  It's VERY different.  A "blessing" (or convalidation if you want to use the proper term) is having your marriage sanctified in the Catholic church.  It's way different from a full Catholic wedding Mass.  The two CAN be one and the same, if you do a full Catholic Mass for a convalidation.  If it's SO IMPORTANT for you guys to have a Catholic wedding, why the Hawaiian vacation in the first place?  Why not just get married in the church?

Also, inviting your guests to your Catholic convalidation ceremony, then showing them a tape of "yay, look, we got married at a fun place without you"?  Diick move.  Really big diick move.

ricksang

Ahh so she removed her picture and ticker.

salt78

Aw sad. I will miss her so.

emilyinchile

I just don't even care why she's doing the first wedding, honestly. It's going to be for health insurance or military status or living together asap since mommy and daddy are against that otherwise (and then wouldn't pay for the party in April! horrors!), and I just can't be bothered to care about someone else's crappy reasons for making a mockery of a wedding ceremony anymore.

lyndausvi

I really do not get the point of 2 weddings.

This is coming from someone who grew up Catholic and wanted a beach wedding.  I had 2 choices.  I could get married on the beach without the Catholic church's blessing or I give up on the beach and have a wedding in the church.

I choose the beach wedding, with no regrets.

I hate people who think they can have their cake and eat it too.  It's too late now to change, but I would not be happy if I was guest at your wedding.

for the record I also agree with Emily.  I've known people who  HAD to have a  legal and a religious ceremony because of various laws around the world (not all countries recognized a religious ceremony.)  In those cases everyone knows of the issue and the legal ceremony is something quick at the courthouse.  Even Princess Grace had to have such a ceremony.  But there was no lying about it to guests and the events were not months apart.  Normally they were within a day or so of each other.

squirrly

In the event that you come back , please re-read Emily's posts, because they're right on target.

This is SO rude and hurtful to your guests.  Please don't lie to them.  Tell them the truth, straight out, that you're getting married on the beach in a private ceremony LEGALLY but want them to celebrate the convalidation/sacrament with you on X date. 

Lying about your legal marital status just isn't right. 

Calypso1977

Even Princess Grace had to have such a ceremony.  But there was no lying about it to guests and the events were not months apart.  Normally they were within a day or so of each other.

exactly!  grace kelly's family was very devout catholic.  i think often times the civil ceremony is done the day before, in the morning, then you do your rehearsal at the church and dinner that evening, then the next day is the wedding. 

eMiLee920

Can you even get married in the Catholic church in April?  I thought some churches frown on weddings during Lent.

jemmini6

If I was a guest at your first wedding, bought you a gift, watched you 'get married' and then you showed me a video of your REAL wedding to which I was not important enough to witness, or even KNOW about...I would be pissed.  I would take back my gift and probably never speak to you again.  But I would also make sure I took advantage of your open bar, got trashed and vomitted all over your dress.

Just saying, it's not a 'cute' idea by any means.  It's rude, immature and very hurtful.  Go on with it if you still think it's a good idea, just be prepared to lose a lot of friends and be talked about behind your back for the rest of your lives.  People don't like being LIED to.

cm42878

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:e6c53402-077a-4943-b3ef-3cab90ec08b8">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Chile, lots of people do both a legal and religious ceremony, and I've heard about Catholic convalidations, so if you invited to me to your religious ceremony from the get-go, I'd actually be fine with that. But if you invited to your wedding and then surprised me by saying you were already married (and already considered yourselves married vs. some people here in Chile who do the legal thing but only consider themselves married once a priest has done his thing), I'd be pissed. Like, eat your food, drink your alcohol and then leave without talking to you again for a long time pissed.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

yep this and I would probably take my gift back home with me!! That would be my April Fools day joke for you!!

mica178

This has to be MUD, right?  I mean, the "second wedding" on April Fools?  Please?

bigday111111

Wow everybody seems to be in cranky moods today... But I think that whatever your plan is. IF you are up front and honest about it your guests will understand. The guests you invite to your wedding are family and friends they will be honored to be a part of your big day (not matter what ceremony it is or what day of the year it is.) Just be honest and remember at the end of the day.. Its your and your fiance's day.. Be happy in it! Congrats and I hope you figure it out!! Oh and give your gifts the first time if you go it will be more intamate and meaningful.. In my opinion but thats just me.

lilcassers

I am rarely rude on theknot but this idea is RIDICULOUS. Why are you making a joke out of your wedding? I think it is obnoxious and pointless. Your CHURCH WEDDING is called a Reaffirmation Ceremony by the way.

But BTW, give them the gifts at the HAWAII wedding.

I am confused and annoyed by this.

lilcassers

I have to add that my friend got married last Dec and had a "re-affirmation marriage" in june. Everyone was aware and excited to share in the special day. She had just gotten married earlier in order to get on his insurance and move in with him since she was against this before marriage.

Everything went as a normal wedding... wedding party, church, reception. The only difference that instead of pronouncing them husband and wife, the pastor made a little speech about how happy he was to marry them in december and had them kiss (no ring exchange).

Everyone thought it was great since they couldn't be there in dec since it was a quick, private thing. If you pull this joke, it may seem like you are out to pull them in just for the gifts and make a mochery out of a wedding celebration.

LessThanZero

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:c72b4878-230b-49e4-b0d2-94a364c450c2">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]Although if you go through with your original plan, <strong>you could just punch all the guests in the face as a fake-wedding favor.</strong> It would go nicely with your theme.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

HA! I love this idea.

I think the theme of this wedding could be "When Keepin' it Real Goes Wrong".

whaleflipflops

Fiance is in the military and we got  legally married in City Hall last year for military reasons so I could be with him at his station. We only had one friend there as a witness. We will have been legally married for 13 months when we have our wedding in May. To us, we don't fully consider it married because we are considered married in the eyes of the Jewish faith. At work, he refers to me as his wife because he is not going to get into his life story with someone who just needs him to sign something, but around friends and family, he calls me his fiancee. However, ALL of our friends know of the fact that we're engaged and live together before the wedding. Come May, it's not going to be a shock to anyone.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:6b886eda-a037-473a-9863-1600274c3cd7">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]Fiance is in the military and we got  legally married in City Hall last year for military reasons so I could be with him at his station. We only had one friend there as a witness. We will have been legally married for 13 months when we have our wedding in May. To us, we don't fully consider it married because we are considered married in the eyes of the Jewish faith. At work, he refers to me as his wife because he is not going to get into his life story with someone who just needs him to sign something, but around friends and family, he calls me his fiancee. However, ALL of our friends know of the fact that we're engaged and live together before the wedding. Come May, it's not going to be a shock to anyone.
Posted by whaleflipflops[/QUOTE]

<div>A. He's your husband, not your fiance.</div><div>B. What's not going to be a shock to anyone come May?  </div><div>
</div><div>If you want to have a quickie JOP wedding for health, military, whatever reason and want to have you PPD later, go for it.  But let people know you are already married and call it what it is...vow renewal, religious ceremony, convalidation, whatever.  </div><div>
</div><div>P.S. I don't know why you don't consider yourselves "fully married" (I didn't even know you could be "partially married"!), but you are. 100% married. Like it or not.</div>

whaleflipflops

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:3b3035a2-02ea-455d-98dc-1b804a94b53f">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents? : A. He's your husband, not your fiance. B. What's not going to be a shock to anyone come May?   If you want to have a quickie JOP wedding for health, military, whatever reason and want to have you PPD later, go for it.  But let people know you are already married and call it what it is...vow renewal, religious ceremony, convalidation, whatever.   P.S. I don't know why you don't consider yourselves "fully married" (I didn't even know you could be "partially married"!), but you are. 100% married. Like it or not.
Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]
The fact that we got legally married beforehand is not going to be a surprise to anyone. All of our guests know.

The majority of our married friends in the military have gotten civil marriages for various reasons (insurance, deployments, etc.) and have done the religious ceremony at a later time (fiance has been invited to a few weddings like that) so I guess it's more normal here.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:999f857c-8c91-4573-b07f-90e02f3a39ff">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents? : The fact that we got legally married beforehand is not going to be a surprise to anyone. All of our guests know. <strong>The majority of our married friends in the military have gotten civil marriages for various reasons (insurance, deployments, etc.) and have done the religious ceremony at a later time</strong> (fiance has been invited to a few weddings like that) so I guess it's more normal here.
Posted by whaleflipflops[/QUOTE]

<div>Others may disagree, but I personally think that is fine.  The issue that everyone had with the OP is that she wasn't going to tell anyone.  Quite frankly, that is how your post came off...that you were still parading around like you were engaged still and not yet married.  The lying is what angers people here.</div>

whaleflipflops

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:9f20ba45-17dc-46a1-8268-1700ab726077">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents? : Others may disagree, but I personally think that is fine.  <strong>The issue that everyone had with the OP is that she wasn't going to tell anyone</strong>.  Quite frankly, that is how your post came off...that you were still parading around like you were engaged still and not yet married.  The lying is what angers people here.
Posted by shortee426[/QUOTE]
My original post was in response to the OP not telling anyone. IMO it's fine if you get married before your wedding but make sure that people aren't know or they will be upset.

Calypso1977

i just still dont get the whole reason for a "wedding" after your marriage.

i have the utmost respect and support for the military and their families.  however, 
couples got married quickly and quietly all throughout history because of military (think WWI and WWII).  they never felt a need to do a big do-over when their men returned.

john and elizabeth edwards even had a very simple ceremony as they were btoh poor coming out of law school.  she had a simple dress and i think a $90 ring.  they ultimately had  vow rewewal but it wasnt until 40 years later!

there is just way too much entitlement with regard to these big shindigs.  newsflash - it takes ZERO talent to get married.  its not an accomplishment.  anyone can do it.

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:06a3310f-06d3-477f-babb-f49e3e0593e1">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]i just still dont get the whole reason for a "wedding" after your marriage. i have the utmost respect and support for the military and their families.  however,  couples got married quickly and quietly all throughout history because of military (think WWI and WWII).  they never felt a need to do a big do-over when their men returned. john and elizabeth edwards even had a very simple ceremony as they were btoh poor coming out of law school.  she had a simple dress and i think a $90 ring.  they ultimately had  vow rewewal but it wasnt until 40 years later! there is just way too much entitlement with regard to these big shindigs.  newsflash - it takes ZERO talent to get married.  its not an accomplishment.  anyone can do it.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I have to agree wtih this.  I don't get the 2 weddings either.  Especially when it is for insurance benefits or in the military, as I understand it you also get a pay incraese when you get married.  People who get married quickly to take advantage of these benefits raelly bother me.  They want it both ways:  take the benefits now but then have your PPD later on.  I just think it is selfish and taking advantage of the system.  And even worse when you then make your parents pay for your PPD after you are already married. 

whaleflipflops

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_give-wedding-gifts-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bbdd6d34-890f-4962-b998-09e4c9ab4d81Post:216aacc0-dba0-406e-afa9-5f1d006b93d1">Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When to give wedding gifts to parents? : I have to agree wtih this.  I don't get the 2 weddings either.  Especially when it is for insurance benefits or in the military, as I understand it you also get a pay incraese when you get married.  People who get married quickly to take advantage of these benefits raelly bother me.  They want it both ways:  take the benefits now but then have your PPD later on.  I just think it is selfish and taking advantage of the system.  And even worse when you then make your parents pay for your PPD after you are already married. 
Posted by noodle_oo[/QUOTE]
You actually don't get a physical pay increase. What does increase is your housing allowance once you add dependents (whether it be a spouse or child). Your housing allowance with dependents does not factor in the amount of dependents that you have- whether it's just you and a spouse, or you, a spouse, and 4 children.

It usually takes several months to get all the paperwork with finance and all to go through. Fiance is still receiving his housing allowance at the single rate.

whaleflipflops

Squirrly- pm'ing you now.

squirrly

I responded. 

SparrowSong

I don't get the point either. Either embrace a quick marriage/elopement and the romance it entails. Or suck up the inconvenience you contend with when you have to wait to plan a complete wedding. Don't think you get the perks and benefits of both and no criticism whatsoever about your entitlement. Both don't count equally, You get one wedding. Decide which one matters and skip the farce of the other one.