I want an elopement/DW but my fiancé doesn't...family drama!

misschanelly

I was never into weddings or big parties. My fiance is very easy going, but also very family oriented. For me, there are family issues for both sides of the family, but initially I agreed to have an intimate wedding (about 20 ppl) and then do a limo ride with our family instead of a reception. 

After some recent communication with both moms I remembered why I didn't want to have a wedding. I personally don't want my wedding memories to be of stress and drama. This is an important day that is about me and my fiance committing our lives to each other.

I suggested to my fiance that we have a destination wedding with just us and then we could do a vow renewal ceremony another time so that he still gets that experience. Apparently, he won't be happy marrying me if his family isn't there...

I'm not sure how we could/should come to a compromise and decision for this.

princess pop

I felt much the same as you do, and it seems like my fiance is very like yours in his feelings. In the end I decided that him wanting his family there was understandable, and to not include them would really hurt all of them as well. I was happier to accomodate this than to have him upset on such an important day.

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:aa140a31-3db0-422c-a940-690fb1d4663c">I want an elopement/DW but my fiancé doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]I was never into weddings or big parties. My fiance is very easy going, but also very family oriented. For me, there are family issues for both sides of the family, but initially I agreed to have an intimate wedding (about 20 ppl) and then do a limo ride with our family instead of a reception.  After some recent communication with both moms I remembered why I didn't want to have a wedding. I personally don't want my wedding memories to be of stress and drama. This is an important day that is about me and my fiance committing our lives to each other. I suggested to my fiance that we have a destination wedding with just us and then we could do a vow renewal ceremony another time so that he still gets that experience. Apparently, he won't be happy marrying me if his family isn't there... I'm not sure how we could/should come to a compromise and decision for this.
Posted by misschanelly[/QUOTE]

Your whole marriage will be about compromise.  So its good to start learning how to do it now!  Ask your FI who is ideal guestlist is for the wedding.  Go from there to come to a compromise that fits both of your wants.

If you end up having any guests at your ceremony, you must host them afterwards with a reception.  A limo ride is not hosting them, unless you are feeding them and providing some drinks during the ride.  You can have something as simple as cake and punch after your ceremony.

If you family is giving you stress during the wedding planning.  Do not share you plans with them.  Tell anyone who asks that you have it covered.  If you and your FI are paying for the wedding 100%, then keep your plans secret.  Then send out the invitations to the guests you are inviting.  There can be no drama if no one knows your plans.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:aa140a31-3db0-422c-a940-690fb1d4663c">I want an elopement/DW but my fiancé doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]I was never into weddings or big parties. My fiance is very easy going, but also very family oriented. For me, there are family issues for both sides of the family, but initially I agreed to have an intimate wedding (about 20 ppl) and then do a limo ride with our family instead of a reception.  [/QUOTE]
a limo ride does not replace a reception.  You need to properly host your guests, which means feeding them in a space where they can stand up.  it can be cake and punch if it's at a non-meal time, but a limo ride is not a "thanks for attending our special day!"

[QUOTE]After some recent communication with both moms I remembered why I didn't want to have a wedding. I personally don't want my wedding memories to be of stress and drama. This is an important day that is about me and my fiance committing our lives to each other. [/QUOTE]
So stop talking to the moms.  If they are causing you drama associate with planning then don't include them in planning.  All you need from them is an assurance that their calendar is open for the date you have chosen.  As long as you and FI are paying you don't have to talk to them about ANY other detail.

[QUOTE]I suggested to my fiance that we have a destination wedding with just us and then we could do a vow renewal ceremony another time so that he still gets that experience. [/QUOTE]
1) planning a vow renewal is going to be JUST as much work/drama as a wedding.  Taking away the legal aspect doesn't make it any easier to plan.  2) saying fake vows in front of your family is not at all (I imagine) the same experience as actually having your loved ones surround you on the day you marry.

[QUOTE]Apparently, <strong>he won't be happy marrying me if his family isn't there</strong>... I'm not sure how we could/should come to a compromise and decision for this.
Posted by misschanelly[/QUOTE]
The way you say this makes it seem like you think it's ridiculous and completely unreasonable.  He wants his family (who are a HUGE part of his life) to be present on what could arguably be the most important day of his life.  That is not unreasonable and in fact it's not even uncommon.  If H and I had been put in a situation where we COULDN'T have my family there, of course I'd still want to marry him.  But to CHOSE that none of my family would be there?  uh uh.  I would have been pissed and upset and it would have seriously but a damper on my hapiness that day.

I'm not saying you have to have a huge blowout wedding that you don't want, but you do have to compromise, it's his wedding day too.  You and FI should each sit down and seperately write out the 5 or 10 most important things to you about your wedding day.  I doubt many, if any, of them will truly conflict and you can build from there.

misssunshine17

Listen to Kate- great advice. You're not thinking about your FI at all. 

Simply Fated

I agree with Kate. A vow renewal can be just as stressful. I mean, the pressure is off because it's not the WEDDING but the stress from your families will still be there. Same stress, different function. Compromise is a huge part of any relationship so figuring the wedding out will be great practice. And a limo ride is sorta... fun if you're 16 and going into the city for the first time. Or 21 and bar hopping. I mean, do you have a destination in mind? Or are you just going to have the driver go in circles for awhile? Maybe the limos can take everyone to a restaurant for a quick brunch or something?

misschanelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:b7eae7b0-ee50-40f8-a9f0-e404cf5e5750">Re:I want an elopement/DW but my fianc doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]How will a vow renewal be any less stressful to plan if it's the families causing stress? ...Don't just put "drama" but rather WHAT are you worried about CAUSING the drama? <div>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

</div><div>It will be less stressful only in the sense that I will not be upset, unhappy and have bad memories of my wedding day.</div><div>
</div><div>He always knows what the "drama" is. My mom has depression and other issues related to that. This I can overcome by just letting her do as she please tho. FMIL is controlling, entitled and has not approved of our relationship all these years. His family has done more to break us up and break me down than support us. We're on "good" terms now, but his mom just expressed she is upset our engagement is not lasting 2 years, she thinks this marriage will last and then accused her son of breaking the 10 commandments because he's not honoring his mother (aka doing what she wants).</div><div>
</div>

misschanelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:87032672-a6ba-4032-a134-f3db14657d73">Re: I want an elopement/DW but my fiancé doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE] I was happier to accomodate this than to have him upset on such an important day.
Posted by princess pop[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm already upset and not looking forwarding to planning or having this "special" day that is full of drama and people pleasing. </div>

misschanelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:c79f3087-5ce1-4773-b851-ee4398298ee6">Re: I want an elopement/DW but my fiancé doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]IA limo ride is not hosting them, unless you are feeding them and providing some drinks during the ride....If you and your FI are paying for the wedding 100%, then keep your plans secret.  Then send out the invitations to the guests you are inviting.  There can be no drama if no one knows your plans.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>We were planning on having the reception in the limo...appetizers and maybe champagne, "speeches", a wedding video...kind of hurt when people straight up shut you down and say they won't go.</div><div>
</div><div>He is paying for it completely because nobody else has money. Since finding out we weren't having a reception, FBIL said he wants to contribute to an actual reception. This is not what we wanted (both of us agreed). FMIL guilt trips fiance when he doesn't give her info and include her...she says "you are trying to shut your mother out of your wedding"

</div>

Simply Fated

I can not speak for your guests, but eating in a moving vehicle sucks. I'd get super sick, especially if I was stuck sitting sideways. Limos themselves can be fun, but I am dying to know why a limo and not a restaurant or any other place. i just don't see the point if there is no destination because 20 people in one vehicle can just get claustrophobic after awhile.

misschanelly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:ea8769b1-7c75-48db-8c0f-b3ad643c1133">Re:I want an elopement/DW but my fianc doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]And a limo ride is sorta... fun if you're 16 and going into the city for the first time. Or 21 and bar hopping. 
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Well thank you for being just as "kind" as our family. This is our day and what we were excited about and thought would be fun to bring our family along. Just goes to show the selfish people we have in our lives. </div><div>
</div><div>When my friends got married I didn't complain about their theme or food or venue...that it wasn't what I liked or didn't make me feel comfortable. It wasn't about me, it wasn't about the couple. So idk, maybe I just don't get it. But if so, then I just don't get it. I have already been crying as a result of this ridiculous wedding planning and rude disrespectful people. Maybe no wonder marriage is referred to as having a ball and chain because this doesn't seem happy anymore and I don't know why nobody seems to care that this is my day as much as my fiance. 

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monkeysip

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:c3bfea0e-2a5c-47f2-a0be-158515ac6f1c">Re:I want an elopement/DW but my fianc doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I want an elopement/DW but my fianc doesn't...family drama! : Well thank you for being just as "kind" as our family. This is our day and what we were excited about and thought would be fun to bring our family along. Just goes to show the selfish people we have in our lives.  When my friends got married I didn't complain about their theme or food or venue...that it wasn't what I liked or didn't make me feel comfortable. It wasn't about me, it wasn't about the couple. So idk, maybe I just don't get it. But if so, then I just don't get it. I have already been crying as a result of this ridiculous wedding planning and rude disrespectful people. Maybe no wonder marriage is referred to as having a ball and chain because this doesn't seem happy anymore and I don't know why nobody seems to care that this is my day as much as my fiance. 
Posted by misschanelly[/QUOTE]

I worry for you if the responses on this board are getting you upset about the idea of marriage.  You sound really immature... marriage is work and full of compromise, but it's not a "ball and chain" unless you treat it as such, or unless you aren't mature enough to handle difficulties.

Everyone has given good advice.  If your guests are important to you, and you actually care about them, then you should want your reception to be comfortable for them.  Host them properly... even if just cake and punch.  Unless it's a destination wedding, in that case you need to do a little more.  People don't fly to far away locations just to receive a glass of punch, you know?

A limo ride could be fun for some guests, but probably not all.  You need to have a regular reception for your guests, then if you want, you could have an "after party" in the limo for those guests who want to join you.

Kate61487

Well step one will be getting on the same page as your fiance.  Take a step back and try the technique we mentioned above where the two of you separately think about the things you really truly want and/or don't want.  Once you have come to an agreement on the main details (date, location, guest list)  you can display a united front and at least know that there won't be any drama between you two.  You can sit back together and roll your eyes and laugh at how ridiculous the rest of your families are.

He should deal with his mother 100%.  It sounds like she's pretty ridiculous (not respecting his mother by planning his major life events when they work for him and his FI? really?) but I'm sure he's spent 20 or more years learning how to deal with her.  Personally if I was in this situation and she said "you are trying to shut your mother out of your wedding"  I would respond with "Yes.  Yes I am, because you are stressing me out and not taking into consideration what I want at all"  and maybe it would wake her up; but that's the type of relationship I have with my mother.

I really wish you the best of luck with this. I'm sure you and your FI can come up with a way to both get what you want.

tlc35

My FI would have loved to go to a mountaintop and get married but he knew I would be crushed if my friends and family weren't there to celebrate. We are having a small to medium wedding. If he had flat out refused to have our families there I would have been bitter. If you force your FI to get married without his family he will be bitter and angry. This is not a good way to start a marriage. So have a small wedding and go to a restaurant together with your guests. Just don't share all your plans with the drama people. Tell them what day and time to show up and plan it with your FI.

misschanelly

Thanks. I'm sure we'll talk about it more. 

misschanelly

Oh, and to the pp who said their wedding was full of drama. Lucky for you you like drama. This is not my style and I won't have it. If that makes me selfish and immature according to anyone here well then so be it. My purpose on here was for options in this conflict and how to deal with the family, not the criticism.

But with the good comes the bad, so thank you for both.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-want-an-elopementdw-but-my-fianc-doesntfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bdc6aaa8-6a14-4137-84ac-10e60c2d5334Post:c3bfea0e-2a5c-47f2-a0be-158515ac6f1c">Re:I want an elopement/DW but my fianc doesn't...family drama!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:I want an elopement/DW but my fianc doesn't...family drama! : Well thank you for being just as "kind" as our family. This is our day and what we were excited about and thought would be fun to bring our family along. Just goes to show the selfish people we have in our lives.  When my friends got married I didn't complain about their theme or food or venue...that it wasn't what I liked or didn't make me feel comfortable. It wasn't about me, it wasn't about the couple. So idk, maybe I just don't get it. But if so, then I just don't get it. I have already been crying as a result of this ridiculous wedding planning and rude disrespectful people. Maybe no wonder marriage is referred to as having a ball and chain because this doesn't seem happy anymore and I don't know why nobody seems to care that this is my day as much as my fiance. 
Posted by misschanelly[/QUOTE]
No, just goes to show how immature you are.  It is in no way selfish, rude, or disrespectful not to want to spend a couple of hours cooped up in a limousine and trying to eat while avoiding car sickness. 

A reception is for your guests, NOT you.  Their comfort should be at the forefront of your concerns, not what sounds like fun to you. 

STARMOON44

I think there's a bigger issue than just a wedding going on here.  You need to figure out a way to handle your families together, because you'll be doing it for the rest of your lives.  And I think there's no more sure fire way to get drama than cooping your whole wedding up in a limo together- I'm not really understanding why you would think this is a good idea to begin with.

MsYeck

I had a friend that for her 2nd marriage had a simple park wedding for about 30 of us, rented a party bus, had bar food setup for us at the first stop (she worked there part time), and we went from bar to bar all night. It was a blast. It took her under a week to plan and under $1500. We had 6 weeks notice of the wedding. So it can be done quick, easy, drama free, cheap and fun.