We're getting lots of pressure to register - your thoughts?

ohwhynot

Fi and I were not going to register.  This is not my first marriage (although it is fi's), we're middle aged, share a home, and it just felt more obnoxious to register than it did to not register. 

As the wedding date comes closer, though, we are getting quite a few people asking where we're registered and asking other people where we are registered.  Those other people are reporting complaining and general gripiness over the fact that we're not registered.

Just a few minutes ago, a friend told me that someone asked him and reminded us that "It's really for the guests' convenience, not yours" to register.  I explained our general unease with registering but he basically told me to get over it, people want to bring presents, and people don't want to fear getting us duplicates or something we don't want.  Wedding is in 26 days. 

WWYD? 

danieliza1127

I would go ahead and register for some stuff.

aragx6

Personally, I would just register. I understand, and appreciate, your concerns, but I think I agree with your friend. People are trained now to look up the registry online, order something they know you want and will like, and be done with it.

I am sure there are plenty of things you'd like to have -- even if there's not much you need -- and things you'd like to upgrade.

Stackeye210

We were asked constantly about our registry.......I mean CONSTANTLY.  And guess how much stuff we got off of our registry?  One set of towels.  That was it.  The rest we received was cash.  I think while it does help some guests, but I found ours to be utterly useless.   

FutureMrsTR

Just register for some upgrades or something unique like at a store where you can buy things for a hobby you share or something.

Brie2010

Do it.

Check out the Registering and Gifts forum--there's a sticky at the top with some non-traditional registry suggestions.  There are a lot of things I never thought of on there!

Stackeye210

Oh - also, a pro for registering is, you usually get the things for a discounted price after the wedding if it wasn't bought off your registry.  So if there are some things you do have your eye on, it might be worth registering for.

dmiller9274

I say go ahead and register, it would be just as much of a hassle to return 15 toasters as it would to pick out a few things you like.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I like the upgrades idea.  Or - register for really random things that you've always really wanted for you guys and that you've never gotten around to purchasing.

I can definitely understand your feelings about registering or not registering.  It can seem like you're being greedy or grabby when you pick things for people to buy for you. 

BUT - think of it this way.  Instead of telling people this is what you want, registering for gifts can be more like a guideline for your guests who want to give you a gift.  And people DO want to give gifts at weddings because they feel like it's the right or nice thing to do.

Just register for a few things that you'd like because regardless - you're gonna be getting stuff.  You'd prolly rather get things that you actually want, rather than some random crap someone just thought you might like and gave it to you because they didn't want to NOT get you a gift.

Good luck.  Registering is seriously one of my biggest stresses... I'm so dreading it and I don't even want to do it in the first place.

rotella

My FI and I were in the same boat, we've been living together and this is my second wedding. We weren't going to register but then we decided to. Here were our reasons...
1. Upgraded stuff. We wanted newer plates, placemats, serving dishes, wine glasses, etc.
2. For the shower. Most people come to a shower and expect you to open gifts.
3. We registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond and they have all sorts of stuff so we even registered for some dog items, decorative candles, wall art, etc.

Pick a store like Bed Bath Beyond or Target and browse the home aisles. You'll be surprised how much nice, good looking home accent stuff they have. And also - we only registered for like 50 things and if stuff runs out, then people will just get the hint to give us $$$.

parker624

just register for some things at BBB. Then you can return them for cash even without a gift receipt so long as they show up as "fulfilled" on your registry.

Shasha3100

I know how you're feeling. FI and I decided to register at REI because we are really into the outdoors and we figured it would be a great idea. Well, my parents friends and some of my family threw a fit that we weren't registering somewhere "normal." None of them had heard of REI. So, we finally conceded at registered at Bed Bath and Beyond. We were able to find a lot of things we wanted/needed from there.

LesPaul

We didn't register, for many of the same reasons you cite, OWN.  But, in hindsight, I wish I had set up a small registry for upgrades to some household stuff.  We ended up getting lots of gift cards, and I purchased things like nice bedding and towels with them, but a registry might have been more 'fun' for guests to shop from than just getting a GC.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-getting-lots-of-pressure-register-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5f5801-d085-44e7-b463-c300bc67a1e4Post:3d7e3d70-77ae-4120-bcb4-d393eb04f146">Re: We're getting lots of pressure to register - your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]just register for some things at BBB. Then you can return them for cash even without a gift receipt so long as they show up as "fulfilled" on your registry.
Posted by parker624[/QUOTE]

I think planning to do this is really deceitful and rude.

OP, the thing about registering is as long as you don't throw it in anybody's face, the only people who will know you are registered are the people who seek out that information, and thus aren't likely to be offended by the fact that you are registered.  So I don't see where it hurts anything.

thesuninherhead

I feel that registering is laden with the same sort of expectation that wishing wells etc have; they are all forms of dictating what your guests should bring for you and personally we didn't do either despite pressure to do both (particularly wishing well- cultural norm here). We had people tell us that it would be rude not to offer a wishing well 'for the guests' convenience'. 

 

People who you know well enough to have invited will be able to find something to buy for you if they so desire. Personally, we got lots of awesome, individual and thoughtful gifts, and equally, had friends who praised us for not registering or having a wishing well so that they could pick what they wanted for us... thus, if I were you, I'd stick to my guns. 

parker624

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-getting-lots-of-pressure-register-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5f5801-d085-44e7-b463-c300bc67a1e4Post:eed760a1-c03c-40ae-a32f-5b0ffebf5396">Re: We're getting lots of pressure to register - your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We're getting lots of pressure to register - your thoughts? : I think planning to do this is really deceitful and rude. OP, the thing about registering is as long as you don't throw it in anybody's face, the only people who will know you are registered are the people who seek out that information, and thus aren't likely to be offended by the fact that you are registered.  So I don't see where it hurts anything.
Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

How is it different than people buying her gifts she doesn't want anyway? Either way she will return them.  I don't think anyone was offended that she was registering, it was that people want to buy her specific presents whether she wants them or not. 

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_were-getting-lots-of-pressure-register-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:be5f5801-d085-44e7-b463-c300bc67a1e4Post:0bcdd176-e7a2-4563-ac61-854e8ec46355">Re: We're getting lots of pressure to register - your thoughts?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: We're getting lots of pressure to register - your thoughts? : How is it different than people buying her gifts she doesn't want anyway? Either way she will return them.  I don't think anyone was offended that she was registering, it was that people want to buy her specific presents whether she wants them or not. 
Posted by parker624[/QUOTE]

I think it's very different.  People want to buy you something off the registry because they want to give you an actual gift, and not just give you cash.  Otherwise they would just give you cash.  Pretending that you want certain things so that they buy you those things, when you never actually wanted them, is lying to your guests.  If people buy you something you haven't suggested they do so at the risk that you may not want it, that's very different from buying you something you have personally selected and told them you want.  I would be extremely offended if I found out that somebody had done this.

ohwhynot

Thanks for the feedback everyone.    Except Parker - I'm not going to lie to my guests and say that I want a toaster or a waffle iron if I don't want them.  That seems very different from saying "I'd love whatever you'd like to give."  I'd feel really guilty if someone brought something I told them I wanted and then I returned it for the cash. 

Calypso1977

we did not register, and folks figured it out.  we did get numerous inquiries, but no nastiness in return when we said we werent.  hold your ground.  if you dont want to register, you dont have to.  you shoudlnt feel pressured to register for crap you dont need or want just to make someone else's life easier.

mandysmear

Ah just do it!  If people want to get you a gift let them.  I see why you are having difficulty with the idea though.

Trifury2007

OWN we got the same pressure and comments and felt the same way.  It was my 2nd marriage and H's frist but we are both 40 something and had 2 houses full of stuff already.  We did end up registering though and people were happier.  We ended up putting things on the registry that we didn't need but really would have liked to own but not enough that we would buy those things for ourselves.  For example, we registered for holiday china that matches my existing china.  We loved it but did not want to spend our own money on it right now.  People who know us and know that we host Christmas Eve every year were thrilled to be able to contribute to the joining of our 2 families for that holiday every year going forward.  HTH

wadingmoose

I did a small registry with some fairly modest items.  People just seem to like that and no one needed to know unless they asked about it.

Plus, I got a free pot for registering and it's my second favorite pot in the kitchen.

JanoBean75

OWN, I felt the same way until my mom's family and some of my friends went nuts and demanded we register. It's our first wedding, but we're both 35, have lots of stuff and have been living together for more than four years. We registered for upgrades and added some things we plan to buy with the completion discounts.

christyran1228

I was kind of laughing with FI about this last night.  We've lived together for 5 years ... we have everything we could possibly need and then some, but were pressured non-stop to register by family.

So we broke down and did.

And 12 1/2 days until the wedding and no one has bought anything off of it.  So, we're either relatives of a lot of  last-minute shoppers, or we're getting cash.  But either way, at least all of the stuff I registered for I get a 20% discount when I go buy it myself.

sevatipari

yeah I understand completely.  I was going to register to get upgrades or more of what I already have (like a set of pots and pans as opposed to 4 pots and one skillet, or more than a 5 seater dish set).  Momma told me not to bother cause our family doesn't use registeries and they'll get what THEY think we need (instead of what we actually need) in what style THEY think we'd like (which none of my family except my uncle and little sister know my style so everyone will be getting it in THEIR style all of which (except my grandma, mom, and aunt (all of whom don't have similar style to me)) have horrible style as in butt ugly.  And no one seems to understand that while I like pastels I HATE HATE HATE pink....like with a passion HATE it. Plus save for the fact I already had the dish set (love the idea of a hope chest) and the towels matched the shower curtain (which I again already had) FI said no pastels (though he did say the kitchen is my domain to decorate as I please...just don't expect him to eat off a pink or purple plate.  Which sucks cause purple and blue are my favorite colors).

miah_23_ncb

go ahead and register for things you normally would like but think im not spending MY $ on that or just upgrades of the things you have.

colsta

I'm in the same boat. I feel awkward having a formal list of things that I want. I don't do it for the holidays or my birthday, so why the wedding. That being said, we are having a small wedding so most people already know what we want or need just by virtue of us being close family and close friends.

Also, I know of someone who had a registry for her son's 2nd birthday. Just weird if you ask me.

Sunshine9463

OWN- Sorry that this is totally off topic, but did you figure out the music situation?
 What did you decide on?

ohwhynot

Hi Sunshine!

Thanks for asking - we are going to get a DJ.  It's fine, really (she says, hoping to convince herself) - we're saving money, we're saving hassle in renting/setting up/tearing down/returning a stage, and we can better control the volume.

The song list they sent to us is just about killing fi, though:  he is a music snob, I hate to say, and really fears "generic wedding music."  I am hoping they will really work with us closely, as they claim on their website.  We have a bunch of great stuff we could give them to use, but we are afraid to do an ipod wedding because we're electronic idiots. 

Sunshine9463

OWN- It definitely will be fine! In addition to the money, etc, I think while there might be anxiety now, you'll be less stressed the day-of with a DJ handling things. 
 
I am sure they will work with you. Just give them a mile long 'must play' list and maybe access to your I-pod songs (can you do that? I don't have one and have no idea.) I would think it actually makes their job easier to know exactly what you want, ya know?
Maybe try to schedule an initial appointment with them soon to quash some of FI's fears too.
Oh, and I am a total technological failure, so I feel you on that front