Guests Dress Code

jenferian

I'm happy to read your biggest problem in life right now is that your guests--who are traveling to share in the day you marry the man you're commiting the rest of your life to--might show up in khackis.

You lead a blessed life. I want you to close your eyes and really embrace this moment. Years from now when you're maybe trying to figure out how to pay the electric bill AND buy groceries, or holding your child's hand when they receive a chemo treatment, or balled up on the kitchen floor crying until you can't breathe because someone you love has passed...think back to this moment. When all you were worrying about was that Uncle Ned would stroll into your wedding in a pair of Dockers.

Good luck.

aquari0216

She asked for advice...not to be judged....in addition...its respect... if you can eat on me, drink on me and party on me...to have a problem following a stated dress code is beyond me....i said semi formal and it seems everyone got the picture...

kmmssg

A stated dress code is rude, unless it is white tie or black tie.  Period.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:3aa740de-0def-4ae1-a7a7-08d6f99b7184">Re:Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]She asked for advice...not to be judged....in addition...its respect... if you can eat on me, drink on me and party on me...to have a problem following a stated dress code is beyond me....i said semi formal and it seems everyone got the picture...
Posted by aquari0216[/QUOTE]

Well, aren't you a peach.

No one is forcing you to spend money to throw a big fancy party. YOU made that choice. YOU made the choice to invite people. YOU made the choice to have a party. You would have been just as married going to the courthouse just you and your H, so do not act like you're doing your guests any favors by hosting them properly (ie: not expecting them to pay for anything). They don't owe you jack, and that includes following a "stated dress code" that you made up to make yourselves feel important.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:2936a8fe-658f-4863-9334-710af96ca27a">Re: Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]A stated dress code is rude, unless it is white tie or black tie.  Period.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Or, if there is a mandated dress code at the venue (men must wear coats and/or ties). OP, if you are THAT worried about a relative showing up in khakis, or worse, gasp! jeans, leave the uncouth buggers off of the guest list. [/sarcasm font]

Ali092011

Burton, I love how YOU put an entire "attire" section on your wedding website, and then wrote to your guests "Don't stress about what to wear." Dictating certain attire is a surefire way to make some people really stressed and confused. I would automatically figure light, flowy cocktail dress and flat dressy sandals if I got an invitation for a beach wedding. But your "beach dressy" dress code automatically made me think of an Ariel costume with sparkly seashells. Just so you know. Also, what is with telling people to dress "dressy," and then saying, "You could wear a bathing suit and we wouldn't care." Why say anything at all if that's truly how you feel? Why not just let people dress how they dress?

What I think the OP and others who agree with her need to admit is that they take it as a personal affront when their guests show up in casual clothes. GET OVER IT. It is not personal. I'm not gonna lie, when H and I were done making table visits, we looked at each other and said almost simultaneously, "Can you believe how great everyone looks?" It was overwhelming to see all of our friends and family looking so fancy. But you know what? Everyone was comfortable. "Fancy" meant a corset top with stomach showing and a slinky black skirt to one of my friends (which I honestly didn't notice until someone pointed it out in a photo). All I noticed was that she looked happy and beautiful. If you're going to take it personally that people choose the comfort of their own bodies over your PPD, you need to get the eff over it. Grow up.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:3aa740de-0def-4ae1-a7a7-08d6f99b7184">Re:Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]She asked for advice...not to be judged....in addition...its respect... if you can eat on me, drink on me and party on me...to have a problem following a stated dress code is beyond me....i said semi formal and it seems everyone got the picture...
Posted by aquari0216[/QUOTE]

Did you "SAY" semiformal or did you "WRITE" semi formal? There is a HUGE difference.

OP, do you have a wedding website? Make sure to create a page with the locations (ceremony and reception venues) and put the fanciest pictures of them up on it. That, in addition to formal invitations is really all you can tell people en masse. If people ASK you the dress code, then offer, but don't tell people what to wear. Most people know how to dress for a formal wedding, and if they don't, they'll stand out.

And I'm sure you'd take kahkis over grease-stained denim coveralls any day, right?

[Deleted User]

OP - I agree with all PPs that this is rude, but I want you to consider something else. By putting that in your invite and making people feel like they can't attend unless they dress to your specific requirements, they might not attend. If the clothing they wear is more important than the people who celebrate with you, go right ahead, but just don't be pissy then when so and so who's OMGSOCLOSE to you doesn't show up.

Just an example for you, a couple years ago, FI and I went to a wedding where he wore jeans with a nice button down, tie, and vest. It wasn't a super fancy wedding but he was admittedly underdressed. However, at the time, we had both just moved across the country, gotten a new place, and started new jobs, so we had basically no money to spare. FI had no dress pants as he'd also recently lost a bit of weight and the ones he owned were clownishly big on him (his job doesn't require dressy attire so he wears jeans to work). We really couldn't afford to buy him a new suit in addition to the plane tickets and hotel for the wedding (even that was a stretch for us but we made it work). You know what? His friends were happy he had used what money he had to actually BE at said wedding rather than upset that he'd showed up in jeans. If they'd been like you, we just wouldn't have gone. End of story. So, if you want to make this your stand, you have to face the consequences when people refuse to adhere to your rules and thus refuse to be at your wedding.

Calypso1977

so, would you rather a man show up in a clean, pressed pair of khaki's and a polo or a stained, moth-ball smelling, wrinkled suit?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Guests Dress Code:[QUOTE]so, would you rather a man show up in a clean, pressed pair of khaki's and a polo or a stained, mothball smelling, wrinkled suit? Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Easy. She'll just have them both escorted out by security.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Guests Dress Code:[QUOTE]Well, considering OP has already asked 16 people to be in the wedding party, then kicked them all out of the wedding because she thought it would look weird with only 50 guests, I'm probably more surprised than I should be at this post. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Link?!

Burtonbaby145

"Burton, I love how YOU put an entire "attire" section on your wedding website, and then wrote to your guests "Don't stress about what to wear." Dictating certain attire is a surefire way to make some people really stressed and confused. I would automatically figure light, flowy cocktail dress and flat dressy sandals if I got an invitation for a beach wedding. But your "beach dressy" dress code automatically made me think of an Ariel costume with sparkly seashells. Just so you know. Also, what is with telling people to dress "dressy," and then saying, "You could wear a bathing suit and we wouldn't care." Why say anything at all if that's truly how you feel?" I put that there for people like myself that as I said stress to the point of obsession over what's appropriate for the occasion. I would rather know upfront. I know each of my guests very well and as I said I know this will be appreciated rather than taken offense to, so for me its nbd, but for others it may be a nono. I also said it was more for letting them know things like that they will be walking in the sand my FI's grandma called my FMIL the other day to tell her she bought a long dress and heels already ha she is very excited obviously, weddings not till August! and then FMIL reminded her the wedding is on the beach so the dress may get hot and the heels wouldn't work in the sand, and she decided to keep tht outfit for another wedding she was attending, which is what inspired the website addition. I am sure the dress would have been beautiful, but one FMIL had her consider logistics she decided it would not be comfortable. Although I suppose I could just leave the info about the site and take out my "beachy dressy" term. As I said I did it More for guests sake than my own. I really could care less what they come in my dad has already stated he is walking me down the aisle in his Sanuks and khaki shorts an that is just perfect because he will be there. If somebody takes my made up term which by the way all of this on my website is written in a semihumorous manner, both of our families are very bubbly an fun, so it works and thinks Ariel and sparkly shells, I can't wait to get pics with them because those are ones I will look back on for years : I do appreciate you letting me know that is how you took it tho, I can see some people not wanting that at their wedding haha. On that note, I wish I could post the pic from my phone of what my mom and FMIL put on in the MOB dress section while wedding dress shopping bad prom monstrosities the pics of them together are priceless! They had the entire bridal salon in the room to see them and cracking up...I have a feeling they may have secretly bought them and will bring them out late at the reception haha. Whatever makes them happy.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:Guests Dress Code:[QUOTE]<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/weddingboards_weddingparty_sistersinlawnightmarehelp">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/weddingboards_weddingparty_sistersinlawnightmarehelp</a> Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Wow. Just wow.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:6285e311-99e7-4bea-854c-6ad6864117c3">Re:Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Guests Dress Code : <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-in-law-nightmare-help">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sisters-in-law-nightmare-help</a>
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Is it wrong that I would find it funny if the fired bridal party members all decided to show up in jeans? Because I think that would be awesome.

twotimemob

Many people are not "wedding savvy", they don't attend many weddings, and would never ever pick up on subtle cues such as dressing as formally as the wedding invitation.  But adults have been dressing themselves for centuries.  We had non-wedding-savvy guests attend in jeans.  And they were clean, not just in from the fields.  We did not turn them away, and it really was never an "issue".  We were just glad they were able to come.

artbyallie

OP, why on earth did you even post on the etiquette board when you clearly have no concept of how to treat people?

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:b6bfa127-f834-4c20-99e3-f15bfa4a651e">Re: Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, why on earth did you even post on the <strong>etiquette board</strong> when you clearly have <strong>no concept of how to treat people</strong>?
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

Allie, I think you answered yourself. She'll learn pretty quick around there though!

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:ebdfb58b-9e9b-49db-9175-35cdbc1c0942">Re:Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]"Burton, I love how YOU put an entire "attire" section on your wedding website, and then wrote to your guests "Don't stress about what to wear." Dictating certain attire is a surefire way to make some people really stressed and confused. I would automatically figure light, flowy cocktail dress and flat dressy sandals if I got an invitation for a beach wedding. But your "beach dressy" dress code automatically made me think of an Ariel costume with sparkly seashells. Just so you know. Also, what is with telling people to dress "dressy," and then saying, "You could wear a bathing suit and we wouldn't care." Why say anything at all if that's truly how you feel?" I put that there for people like myself that as I said stress to the point of obsession over what's appropriate for the occasion. I would rather know upfront. I know each of my guests very well and as I said I know this will be appreciated rather than taken offense to, so for me its nbd, but for others it may be a nono. I also said it was more for letting them know things like that they will be walking in the sand my FI's grandma called my FMIL the other day to tell her she bought a long dress and heels already ha she is very excited obviously, weddings not till August! and then FMIL reminded her the wedding is on the beach so the dress may get hot and the heels wouldn't work in the sand, and she decided to keep tht outfit for another wedding she was attending, which is what inspired the website addition. I am sure the dress would have been beautiful, but one FMIL had her consider logistics she decided it would not be comfortable. Although I suppose I could just leave the info about the site and take out my "beachy dressy" term. As I said I did it More for guests sake than my own. I really could care less what they come in my dad has already stated he is walking me down the aisle in his Sanuks and khaki shorts an that is just perfect because he will be there. If somebody takes my made up term which by the way all of this on my website is written in a semihumorous manner, both of our families are very bubbly an fun, so it works and thinks Ariel and sparkly shells, I can't wait to get pics with them because those are ones I will look back on for years : I do appreciate you letting me know that is how you took it tho, I can see some people not wanting that at their wedding haha. On that note, I wish I could post the pic from my phone of what my mom and FMIL put on in the MOB dress section while wedding dress shopping bad prom monstrosities the pics of them together are priceless! They had the entire bridal salon in the room to see them and cracking up...I have a feeling they may have secretly bought them and will bring them out late at the reception haha. Whatever makes them happy.
Posted by Burtonbaby145[/QUOTE]

I understand including information about the location so that people can be prepared, but that's it. For example, in the Ceremony section of our wedding website, I had a picture of the venue, the address, directions, and then a note that the ceremony would be taking place either in the garden or on the beach (we didn't know which until we had RSVPs back and knew whether or not we could fit everyone in the garden). That's it. I didn't say "so don't wear heels" or "wear whatever makes you comfortable" or anything like that. You CAN let people know where the wedding is taking place, and many people will appreciate the heads-up. But TBH it's not really your concern if people DO choose to wear heels in the sand. A long formal gown on a guest may seem too formal or out of place at a beach wedding, but again, if someone wants to wear it, it's no skin off your nose.

I was half-joking about the seashells thing. I just wanted you to know that everyone interprets "beach dressy" differently. It's a made-up term, not an actual dress code.

I'm glad you're not being a bridezilla about me telling you what I think, and I'm glad you're reconsidering it. You're already doing a lot better than OP.

lovesclimbing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guests-dress-code-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c04c25f6-8ac5-453f-98af-f3093d5b5164Post:dd1484de-1541-491b-aafd-d0cd0e351377">Guests Dress Code</a>:
[QUOTE]How can I make absolutely sure they know what to wear?  Should I include the guidelines from the knot's cheat sheet on my wedding website or on my invitations: [/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You can't.  There's really no way to make sure everyone knows exactly what to wear, even if you put a dress code on the invitation.  For some people, semi-formal means exactly what The Knot says it does.  For others, semi-formal might mean nice jeans, a pretty blouse and nice shoes or nice jeans, a button-up, and nice shoes for a guy so it doesn't matter what you put on the invitation or site.</div><div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]And what if someone does show up in khakis and a polo shirt (or jeans)? Should I have security turn them away? Are there other options for this sort of dress code mishap? P.S. -
Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>If they do, ignore it.  As PPs have said, you probably won't even notice.  Turning them away would be rude.  The most important thing is that the people you love are there to help you celebrate.

</div><div>I live in Alaska and our wedding will take place at below freezing temperatures.  (It's semi-formalish)  I fully expect people to show up in snowboots and change (or more likely, they won't change) into nicer shoes when they get there.  And it's not a huge deal.  No one will care, if anything, my FI and I will laugh to ourselves later over the picture of someone in bib snowpants and a flannel shirt.</div>