Wedding Etiquette Forum

first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)

Yesterday I had my first drama!  And it was a doosie! Short background  - my dad has 8 brothers and sisters.  His one brother married this woman who we all tried to embrace(as we are a very close family) but for some reason she hates our guts.  She has done some really terrible things, most of all cutting off my uncle from our family and threatening to take their kids from him if he has anything to do with us. It's all very sad.  I still love my uncle very much so when it came time to do the invites, I invited him.  And his lovely wife.  And their 3 kids who I barely know since they have been kept from us.  I thought I was doing the gracious thing by my family and so what if they don't come..at least I did the polite thing.

Well my mom found out that I invited them and she was so MAD.  She wasn't mad about my uncle or the kids, just mad that I invited his wife.  She calls me up yelling about how I stabbed her in the back by inviting her and that if she showed up it would ruin the entire day.  I personally don't care that much about this woman so it never occurred to me that my mom would get so upset.  I tried explaining to my mom that I did not do it to offend her, simply to do the right thing (and also bc we are the better people and don't stoop to such low class tactics!).  

This did not satisfy my mom.  She sends my uncle an email explaining that he and the kids are certainly welcome but his wife is not invited.  I have to admit that I don't want this woman there either but it meant more to me that my uncle be there and if it meant she had to come, so be it.  Now I doubt he will come at all.  I'm a tad upset with my mom about this but if she feels this strongly about it I guess I will just let it go.  What's done is done I guess. 
BFP#1 10/30/2011,MC 12/4/2011 9w2d,BFP#2 3/6/2012,m/c 4/18/2012 9w1d D&E 4/18/2012 BFP#3 8/12/2012 EDD 4/25/2013 Stick baby!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers BabyFruit Ticker

Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)

  • You did the right thing, so take solace in that.  It's too bad your mother feels so strongly about your uncle's wife, but what she did was her own action, not yours.  As you can't retract her email, just move on.  Your uncle probably wasn't going to attend the wedding anyway.  And weddings can be very stressful for the MOB.  Pick your battles, let this one go since there's little you can do ot change the situation.
  • Personally, I would be fuming at my mother. She over stepped bigtime on this one. Not cool mom.
  • Your Mom is being ridiculous, imo.  It doesn't even make sense to portray your uncle as this noble victim - he's making a choice every day to stand by his wife. 

    Either invite them all despite the choices they are making together or don't invite them all, but to act as if she is the only one choosing to cut the family off is silly. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_first-official-wedding-drama-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c07b47c2-bdcf-4c7f-a3d1-fe7368cd88bdPost:cc7481ea-ea2d-440a-8e4d-ebd40cb6cf49">Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your Mom is being ridiculous, imo.  It doesn't even make sense to portray your uncle as this noble victim - he's making a choice every day to stand by his wife.  Either invite them all despite the choices they are making together or don't invite them all, but to act as if she is the only one choosing to cut the family off is silly. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]


    This.  And also, if your mom acts like that to your uncle and his family, its no wonder his wife has no interest in being a part of it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_first-official-wedding-drama-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c07b47c2-bdcf-4c7f-a3d1-fe7368cd88bdPost:cc7481ea-ea2d-440a-8e4d-ebd40cb6cf49">Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your Mom is being ridiculous, imo.  It doesn't even make sense to portray your uncle as this noble victim - he's making a choice every day to stand by his wife.  Either invite them all despite the choices they are making together or don't invite them all, but to act as if she is the only one choosing to cut the family off is silly. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

    I agree fully with OWN.

    You did the correct and polite thing by inviting the whole family. And you didnt stoop to her level.
    Your mother was in the wrong,but let it go.
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  • Crazytown.  I'd send them another e-mail and let them know that they are still welcome.  Whats done is done, but don't just let it go.  I would copy the e-mail to your mom and let her know this is your day, and basically what you wrote here (that you'd rather have him and her there, than not have him there at all).  Then again, I commonly get in spats with my mother, so encourage openly arguing. It may not work as good if your relationship isn't used to it.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_first-official-wedding-drama-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c07b47c2-bdcf-4c7f-a3d1-fe7368cd88bdPost:b7677ddc-4336-4e0a-9d03-fbe7c7937302">Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry) : This.  And also, if your mom acts like that to your uncle and his family, its no wonder his wife has no interest in being a part of it.
    Posted by parker624[/QUOTE]

    <div>While my mom may have overstepped and overreacted, I do have to defend this comment.  This situation is one of those "line in the sand" kind of scenarios.  My uncles wife has done a string of seriously heinous things to my family over the years.  For example, they moved in with my grandmother while their house was being built.  His wife was pregnant at the time and had the baby while still living there.  She refused to let my grandmother hold the baby bc she "didn't want them to bond". Just a small example - may seem insignificant but it broke my grandmothers heart.  As I said in the OP my dad has 8 siblings.  I am the oldest of 27 grandkids and we are all very close.  Every single one of the inlaws gets along except her.</div>
    BFP#1 10/30/2011,MC 12/4/2011 9w2d,BFP#2 3/6/2012,m/c 4/18/2012 9w1d D&E 4/18/2012 BFP#3 8/12/2012 EDD 4/25/2013 Stick baby!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything without knowing the full story.
  • Yeah ditto Juxta, You absolutely did the right thing, and I would send my uncle an email saying everyone is welcome, and that his presence would mean a great deal to you, and you are sorry about the previous email. 

    I would be so angry if I were you; your mom way overstepped. Especially if you are paying for this wedding yourself, IMO if parents aren't contributing they really have no say on the guest list.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_first-official-wedding-drama-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c07b47c2-bdcf-4c7f-a3d1-fe7368cd88bdPost:4ccd63cf-b512-4237-89cf-db650b66319d">Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry) : While my mom may have overstepped and overreacted, I do have to defend this comment.  This situation is one of those "line in the sand" kind of scenarios.  My uncles wife has done a string of seriously heinous things to my family over the years.  For example, they moved in with my grandmother while their house was being built.  His wife was pregnant at the time and had the baby while still living there.  She refused to let my grandmother hold the baby bc she "didn't want them to bond". Just a small example - may seem insignificant but it broke my grandmothers heart.  As I said in the OP my dad has 8 siblings.  I am the oldest of 27 grandkids and we are all very close.  Every single one of the inlaws gets along except her.
    Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]

    Okay, but again each and every time she has done something heinous, your uncle has stood by her.  Why is he still the good guy?  That doesn't make sense and it's not fair to either of them.  At the very least, he's endorsed his wife's behavior. 
  • My parents are contributing half so they do get some say here.  But I do think I should get to call them out when they are being just plain wrong. 

    Anyway, my uncle has not been the victim here and we have all expressed that we wish he would grow a set and stand up to her.  I understand his position bc she is always threatening to take his kids from him.  He loves his kids and is a great dad.  Its a very sad situation.  My grandmother rarely gets to see her son or grandchildren and my dad feels like he lost his brother.  

    With 29 days left I really thought I was getting through this relatively drama-free.  Guess I jinxed myself the moment that thought crossed my mind.
    BFP#1 10/30/2011,MC 12/4/2011 9w2d,BFP#2 3/6/2012,m/c 4/18/2012 9w1d D&E 4/18/2012 BFP#3 8/12/2012 EDD 4/25/2013 Stick baby!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_first-official-wedding-drama-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c07b47c2-bdcf-4c7f-a3d1-fe7368cd88bdPost:d82784f4-2d1a-4e81-a34f-9be5afe4a887">Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE] Anyway, my uncle has not been the victim here and we have all expressed that we wish he would grow a set and stand up to her.  I understand his position bc she is always threatening to take his kids from him.  He loves his kids and is a great dad.  Its a very sad situation.  Posted by hugz415[/QUOTE]

    I hate it when women do this, but unless he's a child molester she cant take his kids from him. And as a grown up he should know this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_first-official-wedding-drama-sorta-longsorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c07b47c2-bdcf-4c7f-a3d1-fe7368cd88bdPost:0d405df9-4524-4ccd-bc07-eb3fe72e82ec">Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: first official wedding drama! (sorta long..sorry) : I hate it when women do this, but unless he's a child molester she cant take his kids from him. And as a grown up he should know this.
    Posted by kd.joseph[/QUOTE]

    Exactly.  It does a disservice to the uncle to pretend that he'd believe such a thing. 
    I also wonder how, if this couple is so completely cut off from the rest of the family, that the OP knows that the evil wife threatens all the time to take the children. 
  • Bc he does show up, maybe once a year, to a family gathering with just the kids.  This is what he has told my dad and his brothers and sisters.  I have accepted that they are really not in my life...its sad but its the way it is.  I sent the invite to be polite and make an effort.  I did not believe for a minute that they would show up.

    I assume he simply knows that if he were to leave her he would get joint custody but at the same time I doubt she would make his life very easy as far as seeing the kids.  I don't think he is totally innocent..I am sure he has bought into her crap but I guess the rationalization is that he is still family.  
    BFP#1 10/30/2011,MC 12/4/2011 9w2d,BFP#2 3/6/2012,m/c 4/18/2012 9w1d D&E 4/18/2012 BFP#3 8/12/2012 EDD 4/25/2013 Stick baby!! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers BabyFruit Ticker
  • I have to echo PPs that your uncle needs to grow a spine here.  I don't think your mom did the right thing at all either, but it sounds like a lot of this would be helped if he grew a set.

    That said, now you just need to see where the chips fall.
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