Dealing with Family Member Death Weeks prior to wedding

KCatanzaro

I need some input/advice from anyone who has been or knows of someone in a similar situation. My wedding is 18 days away. This should be the most joyous time of my life but its not. My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years and have waited this long to get married because we let life problems take priority all other times - the passing of my mother, my stepfather and his godmother.  We found out last night that my maternal grandmother who has always been a significant part of my life is most likely going to pass in the next few days. We are totally torn. . .do we postpone our future yet again for lives evil surprises?  Do we proceed as planned and hope the vibe doesn't feel like that of a funeral? Do we make an invisible line in the sand on what constituents a go/no-go decision. Some other things that play into this being such a tough decision include we have already paid all vendors and don't have insurance on anything but the honeymoon. Also, my grandmother has always been the life of the party and has lived by the thoughts of the party must go on. Is it worth pushing through for this alone and hope that our future joy will bring everyone relief?  Any insights or suggestions anyone has would be greatly appreciated. I'm beside myself right now and want to do what is right, not just for my family but for myself and my future husband!!

Stackeye210

You are not dishonoring your grandmother by continuing on with your wedding.  Yes the timing is unfortunate but you will have your family there to support you.  It will only turn into a funeral if you let it.  You can have a candle or something there for her if it makes you feel good, but not a memorial type of scene with pictures or anything.  As you said your grandmother herself would want you to carry on and get married so do that. 

Also, I'm very sorry that you are going through this right now, I hope you find peace if things take a turn in the next few days. 

Meegles4

I don't think you postpone. I know this is going to sound really insensitive and I don't mean it that way, BUT... the hassle of cancelling things outweighs any reason to postpone. Would your grandmother want you to postpone? Likely not. It may also help your grieving family have a reason to celebrate.

As Stacks said, you can certainly mention your g-ma (and other family who has passed) in the program or through other silent memorial.

ETA: I totally missed the fact that she hasn't passed away yet. Reading Fail. I'm so sorry. My advice doesn't really change...

Is your grandmother local to you? So, if there were a funeral would you and other family be travelling? If your grandma is local, my advice is to proceed as planned, but if you're going on a HM to keep in mind you may need to postpone that if a funeral comes up.

If she's not local, and a funeral would require travel for you or your family, I would probably at least investigate the possibility of cancelling at the last minute with your vendors or having a head count change with your caterer. I only say that in case you're 3 days from your wedding and she passes away, and a funeral needs to be arranged. In that case, I'm sure the funeral could be worked around the wedding so family could attend both, but you may need to think through other things -- like the possibility of other guests not making it to the wedding because they have to travel for a funeral AND wedding now. Again, I still think you wouldn't cancel in this case, but it may just mean some changes at the last minute.
 

Summer2011Bride

I'm so sorry about your grandmother.

Like Stacks said, I would proceed as planned. You can honor her memory and still have the day be a joyous occasion. Plus, like you said, you have no idea what will happen in the upcoming days. If your grandmother is still around on your wedding day, even if she can't attend, you will probably be happy you went on with it. If she has passed away by then, you can do things to honor her memory like the candle or carrying something of hers in your bouquet, etc.

ElleB87

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about what will be an inevitable loss.

My suggestion is to continue on as normal. Doctors and family may say that gma only has a few days left but you really never know. At the beginning of this year my gma fell ill (she had cancer and contracted pneumonia) and was told she wouldn't live more than a week. She held on for 4 months before passing in April. Like PP said, you're not dishonouring your gma or your family by going ahead as planned. Spend as much time with gma as you can now. You can also carry a locket in your bouquet with her picture in it on your wedding day.

achiduck

I'm sorry to hear that she's not doing well. I agree with PP's - don't postpone your wedding. The problem with life is that SOMETHING always comes up. There will never be a perfect time to get married.

ootmother2

There's a very old expression (probably from Grandma)

"Man proposes, God disposes"


Just try to concentrate on what your Grandma would want!

Loopyseven

I agree with everyone who has said to continue as planned.  You may want to drop a line to your venue and let them know what is going on and ask if they can accommodate a last minute decline in numbers for you due to travel expenses for family if that could be an issue, but otherwise, your family will probably enjoy a reason to get together for a happier memory in this time.  Just try not to do anything too overt as a memorial at the wedding.  A mention in the program or floral arrangement somewhere is more than sufficient.  Some brides like to carry a piece of jewelry that was their loved ones' twined into their bouquets.  Think of small, sentimental and private ways to have her with you on your big day.

LittleMissCutiePie

Oh, KC, I wish I could give you a hug. FMIL left us a few weeks ago after a very bad battle with cancer. I know it's hard, but your grandmother would want you to have your day and enjoy it. Press on, and knw she'll be there in spirit.

wilmaandfred

My DH lost his father a week before our wedding, so I understand where you are coming from, OP.  It is not at all disrespectful to continue on with the wedding, but you need to do what is right for you.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

andra loves andre

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dealing-with-family-member-death-weeks-prior-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c1ace7c7-5932-4a6f-a383-a4798f7e6a22Post:a66b6ea0-91e0-4f06-9f64-3a6bfbd905d8">Dealing with Family Member Death Weeks prior to wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I need some input/advice from anyone who has been or knows of someone in a similar situation. My wedding is 18 days away. This should be the most joyous time of my life but its not. My fiance and I have been together for almost 10 years and have waited this long to get married because we let life problems take priority all other times - the passing of my mother, my stepfather and his godmother.  We found out last night that my maternal grandmother who has always been a significant part of my life is most likely going to pass in the next few days. We are totally torn. . .do we postpone our future yet again for lives evil surprises?  Do we proceed as planned and hope the vibe doesn't feel like that of a funeral? Do we make an invisible line in the sand on what constituents a go/no-go decision. Some other things that play into this being such a tough decision include we have already paid all vendors and don't have insurance on anything but the honeymoon. Also, my grandmother has always been the life of the party and has lived by the thoughts of the party must go on. Is it worth pushing through for this alone and hope that our future joy will bring everyone relief?  Any insights or suggestions anyone has would be greatly appreciated. I'm beside myself right now and want to do what is right, not just for my family but for myself and my future husband!!
Posted by KCatanzaro[/QUOTE]

<div>I was in a similar situation a couple weeks ago. My grandfather was seriously sick, and was rushed to the hospital. He couldn't breathe, and his heart was so overworked that they thought he would die within hours. They managed to do some stuff to make him a bit better, but he was still having difficulty breathing, his lab results were not good, the medication was not helping. They said that if something doesn't change, his body likely won't be able to fight for more than a few days. </div><div>
</div><div>We thought that it was the end, and we even booked plane tickets to rush to Europe to see him. We called the hospital from the airport to check in before taking off, and it was my grandfather who picked up! We hadn't heard his voice in days, since he was too weak to talk and had a machine helping him breathe. He was wheezing, but he told me "in case something happens, don't cancel the wedding. don't feel sad. don't worry about me. I had a beautiful life and I'll be there in spirit. BUT.... if you do cancel it, if you are sad, if you do worry.. I will haunt the crap out of you!" It brought me to tears that he could still die, but it also made me laugh that it was still him, and his sense of humour.</div><div>
</div><div>He's MUCH better now. The doctors found something that had been obstructing his airways, and found a way to remove it. He's still having difficulty breathing, but that's mostly because he has severe asthma and because he's still recovering. </div><div>
</div><div>That's the situation I was in.</div><div>
</div><div>But, about your situation. I'd ask the grandmother what she wanted, and how she felt about it. If you think that she wouldn't want you to cancel it, then don't. The wedding surely won't be the same without her (if she passes), but I do think she'll be there in spirit (if she does pass, or if she is still in the hospital and unable to attend). </div><div>
</div><div>One of my favorite quotes is that "in the midst of death, there is life". Remember that. I hope you make a decision that you'll be at peace with.</div>

jcg98

T&Ps to you and your family.  I completely sympathize, my H's grandmother passed 2 weeks before our wedding.  We continued as planned, because his mother assured us that not only would his grandmother have wanted that, but the family was looking forward to having a happy occasion to celebrate.  We honored her memory in our program, and it definitely felt like she was there in spirit celebrating with us!

mmmendi

I'm sorry you have to consider your Grandmother's possible passing in the midst of a joyous time. It is difficult to consider, or bear, the death of a loved one. The other PP have brought you the advice I might have. I hope she is able to see you through your wedding date.

[Deleted User]

First, thoughts and prayers for your family.  My grandmother passed about 3 weeks before my cousin's wedding.  They had a single white rose placed at the seat that would have been her's for the ceremony. My uncle was too emotional to speak about her in his toast, but the groom's father made it a point to recognize her passing and memory at the reception very briefly.  It was emotional for all of us, but she would have wanted us to carry on.

ginadog

I am so sorry!  I agree with the others; I would go on as planned.  It's unfortunate that the timing has been off so many times, but life does go on.

This is coming from someone who did cancel her own wedding.  However, we had 4 months notice of how long my dad had to live, we also had a deadline where we could get our money back, and he died 45 days before the would-be wedding date.  In that intance I am glad we did, but given your situation, I'd keep going.

madsenm2

Firstly: I am so sorry about your news.  I hope that she goes peacefully and without pain.

Second:  I can (hopefully) give some perspective to your unfortunate situation.  My mother was one of the last to be married in the family, and about 1 month before she walked down the aisle; her father passed.  It was a huge shock to her and the rest of my very large family (5 other siblings, countless cousins, etc).  Now in her belief, there is suppose to be a 1 year mourning period.  This means all black attire, no family parties, no weddings, no joyous occasions.  She had a lot of family tell her to cancel and give it up; but it wasn't until her mother told her to do it.

My grandmother felt that if my mother kept bending and cancelling, eventually she would never get married.  Life goes on and something always comes up.  I know it will be very hard to smile without the presence of your grandmother; but trust me when I say the day will go by so fast, you wont have time to think.  

You do not have to worry about the day feeling like a funeral vibe.  There will be other guests not associated with your family that will understand the situation, but will want to celebrate the life you and your partner make.  Plus, you can always put a small table out, with her picture next to a candle, so her spirit is there with you guys throughout the night.

I say keep going, but you need to look into your heart and decide if this is the best decision for yourself, your family, your FI and your FI family.