Bridesmaid dilemma...

LC982

I am in the process of choosing my maids.  I don't have a relationship with my fiances sisters.  The most conversation we've had with one another is "hi - how are you?"  My mom says that I need to have them in the wedding out of respect for his family -- I really don't want them to be in it.  What is the right thing to do? 

LDubHawksFan

No it's your wedding party.  If you would like to honor them in some way, perhaps you could have them do a reading, or if you grow closer to them over the course of planning, a personal attendant or something.

aragx6

Having your future sister in laws is definitely not a requirement, but for some families it might as well be for all the drama not doing it can cause. If you haven't heard anything about it from FMIL I wouldn't worry about it. Your FI can also have them stand up on his side -- it's fine for sides to be co-ed.

brilibby4

If you are not close with them then you don't need to have them as bridesmaids.  If your fiance is close with them, he can have them stand up on his side.

LC982

My Fiance isn't close to them but I am having my siblings in the wedding.....I am torn and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

thurmanpowell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dilemma-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2ba9d73-1744-478e-8201-dbbeb1af0005Post:420b3248-91ff-4bb6-8a7e-42409d429740">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance isn't close to them but I am having my siblings in the wedding.....I am torn and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Posted by LC982[/QUOTE]

It might be easier to just accomodate them if possible since you're having your siblings in the wedding.

EDIT: wait, I just reread your first post. Do they actually WANT to be in your wedding or is your mom the only one who wants it? This might end up not being a problem at all!

msuprincess04

I think it depends on the family dynamic. It's considerate to ask them, but certainly not necessary. In my family, it would be extremely rude if the siblings of the bride and groom were not asked to stand up. But that's just how it works for us. I'd really just discuss it with your FI and ask whether he would like them in it.

LC982

I think it would the right thing to do to have them in since my siblings are in it.  My fiance says it doesn't matter to him if his sisters are in the wedding.  He doesn't have a close relationship with them either.  I think that his sisters want no part of it.  I don't want to cause trouble within the family - but also don't want people in it that I don't speak to and have no relationship with.  My mom says it would keep the peace.....it's just a tough decision. 


Thanks everyone!! 

aragx6

Often having people in your bridal party with whom you're not close and who "want no part of it" does the exact opposite of keeping the peace.

pkontk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dilemma-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2ba9d73-1744-478e-8201-dbbeb1af0005Post:de588143-b5df-48fd-ad04-bdf11820f4d3">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]Often having people in your bridal party with whom you're not close and who "want no part of it" does the exact opposite of keeping the peace.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

This.  Asking a FSIL to be a bridesmaid can often backfire and brides end up back on these boards asking about politely removing someone from the bridal party.  Not saying that will happen to you, but it does happen.  I would not ask her, but if you become close maybe ask her to do a reading or light a candle.

Don't ask her to be a personal attendant - all the responsibilities of a bridesmaid without being in the pics or standing next to the bride?  No thank you.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dilemma-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2ba9d73-1744-478e-8201-dbbeb1af0005Post:7d41762f-afd3-4743-8031-c09df38c397c">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it would the right thing to do to have them in since my siblings are in it.  My fiance says it doesn't matter to him if his sisters are in the wedding.  He doesn't have a close relationship with them either.  I think that his sisters want no part of it.  I don't want to cause trouble within the family - but also don't want people in it that I don't speak to and have no relationship with.  My mom says it would keep the peace.....it's just a tough decision.  Thanks everyone!! 
Posted by LC982[/QUOTE]

It really isn't a tough decision. It's not your mom's wedding nor her decision; you don't want them involved, your FI doesn't want them involved, and they don't appear to want to be involved. That makes it pretty simple, if you ask me. If they pitch a fit later, they can stand up on your FI's side. Done and done.

Maggie0829

I had my sister as my MOH and my H's sister was a guest.  The world still turned, no one died, we were still legally married.  If there was any expectation of her being included it was never once mentioned.

I am on the side of include who you want not who you feel you have to.  Most of the time doing the "right" thing backfires on you and then you have more problems then when you started.

If anyone gets upset about them not being included they will get over it.  If they don't then they aren't very mature and need to put things into perspective.

meg65

My FILs said they were fine with FB/SIL (20 and 13 yrs) not being in the wedding at first, then GMIL threw a fit about 9 months later and insisted they would be hurt if they were not included since my brother is a GM. The difference is, I am close to my brother, and neither of us is close to FI's brother and sister.

While this is not what we wanted and it was sort of clear g-ma is the one who would be upset, that was enough and we found a way to include FB/SIL. 

If no one from your FI's family is upset, then leave it be but be prepared if they change their mind.

chumlee7478

If no one is upset, then leave well enough alone.  If down the line your FI wants to include them, they can be on his side during the ceremony.  I understand the family dynamic of having family members in the wedding party, but that's not always how it has to be.  If your FSILs aren't making a stink, I'd say it's fine to not include them.  If you're having readings, maybe ask them to do those, but that's about how far I'd go.

I had my brother stand up on my husband's side during the ceremony, there was no question that he'd be a groomsman. My mom at first was livid he wasn't the best man, my husband's best friend was.  My brother couldn't have cared one way or the other, it was for my mom to get over.  None of my now brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law were in the wedding party, and last time I checked, the Earth is still spinning in orbit.  My mom thought only family should be in the wedding party, but only one family member was in it (my brother), the rest was friends. 

vantica

I asked my FI if his sisters expected to be bridesmaids, and he said probaby.  I was just like.....oh.  Well, too bad.  I have my 3 best friends as bridesmaids, but I just wanted to know what I was up against.  Lol.  As it is, one of his sisters asked HIM to be the best "man", so I was pretty sure I was off the hook.  The other sister got a little upset that she wasn't going to be in the wedding party, but I think she's over it.  I hope.  She's still talking to us anyway.  I really did not want a huge wedding party to just make everyone happy.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dilemma-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2ba9d73-1744-478e-8201-dbbeb1af0005Post:420b3248-91ff-4bb6-8a7e-42409d429740">Re: Bridesmaid dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance isn't close to them but I am having my siblings in the wedding.....I am torn and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Posted by LC982[/QUOTE]

Talk to your FI about it.

I wanted my brother in the wedding party, but I felt bad because I didn't invite my SILs to be in the wedding party. I talked about it SEVERAL times with my FI, who said it really wasn't necessary to have his sisters. I had my brother stand up on my side as a "bridesman." We had my H's sisters do our readings. No one was offended. I don't think my SILs would have wanted a bigger role, honestly. BUT in some families it would be insulting, so feel it out.

beautifulvice

For me, my FSIL is my MOH, but, then again, we've gone on family vacations together, celebrated holidays together and just simply get along really well. So if you don't really have any sort of your relationship with yours (if your FI doesn't want them on his side) one simple solution to include them might be having them do a reading of some sort during the ceremony.  It might help 'keep the peace' since your mom is pushing for them to be BMs.

Ultimately, they might not have any expectatons to be involved at all and you'll have no issues (best case scenario). 

saraschilling88

I had this same dilemma.  I am not super close to my FI's sisters, I asked FI if he thought they'd be offended if they weren't BMs, he said no because they weren't close to me, so I didn't ask them to be.  Well that blew up in my face!  Apparently the sisters assumed they would be BMs because they were FI's sisters (didn't matter that they really make no attempt to be friendly to me, except when we first got engaged and when we are at holiday gatherings) and totally flipped out on me via text message.  What we ended up doing was letting them be ushers, and they decided they were going to purchase the BM dresses in black (yes, I'm not kidding, they are wearing the BM dresses in black while the BMs are in red).  I don't regret not having them as BMs, but I do regret the drama (and not seeing it happening before we made the final decision).

So OP my advice to you is talk to your FI, if he says he doesn't think they will want to then don't ask them to be bridesmaids.  I will say to have something else prepared for them to do though (guestbook, readers, ushers) so they will still feel involved.

nolanurse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-dilemma-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2ba9d73-1744-478e-8201-dbbeb1af0005Post:45840042-301d-4132-b275-7572fe2deba2">Bridesmaid dilemma...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in the process of choosing my maids.  I don't have a relationship with my fiances sisters.  The most conversation we've had with one another is "hi - how are you?"  My mom says that I need to have them in the wedding out of respect for his family -- I really don't want them to be in it.  What is the right thing to do? 
Posted by LC982[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>If it makes you feel better - I attempted to ask the FSIL and before I could she gave a whole list of reasons why she couldn't do it - Made me feel so very accepted to the family. - PICK WHO YOU WANT! without input from anyone else </div>

julib33

I don't think you need to have them in. I have a close relationship with only 1 of my FI's 3 sisters so only she will be in the wedding. It may be rude of me but I already have 7 bridesmaids and no one seems to be bothered by it.

julib33

I should also note only 1 of MY sisters is in the wedding. My two stepsisters won't be in it but one of thier sons will be. I'm also not going to be in my step sister's wedding this summer. Maybe we're weird; we are all close, get along, hang out, etc... but we really havent been apart of each other's weddings.