how do i politely...

Calypso1977

so jill, maybe just suggesting a lack of titles will make the most sense.

say to this aunt, "while i love my new last name, i still enjoy seeing/using my first name, so i woudl appreciate it if you would address stuff to Jill and John Smith, rather than use the formal titles of Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, as that omits my first name".

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:219dfa8a-38a5-444b-8b2f-ba161c42b193">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: how do i politely... : no, it was not my choice. i never remotely even toyed with the idea of choosing to change my first name. i chose to change my last name, but never my first name. and yes i'm offended by the implication that by choosing to change my last name i've chosen to change my first name, when i've done no such thing. we can agree to disagree, but don't tell me that i chose people to call me by an incorrect first name.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't say that, I was just saying that by changing your last name, it opens the door for people to address you as "Mr. and Mrs. Jones." If they were wrong and it was a SUPER outdated tradition that had completely died out except for your aunts, that would be one thing. I'm just saying that they aren't technically wrong and a lot of people still use that address (although many don't like it as well). I think it's one of those things that WILL change in the next 50 years or so and soon no woman will be addressed by "Mrs. John Smith." But for now, there's no perfect solution. I'm guessing your aunts are around 60? I think that's around the cut-off for people who got married right before second wave feminism hit and therefore are a little stuck in the old style.</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: Are you going to see them over the next few weeks where you can say, "Oh, I loved your Christmas card! But by the way..."</div>

[Deleted User]

i'd actually prefer ditching titles anyway, since i prefer "ms." over "mrs.", and that's a whole other thing to even get into. mrs. doesn't offend me necessary, i just strongly prefer ms. but i let that one slide, so far. it's a work in progress. the first name thing is much more bothersome and a higher priority at this stage.

mery - imo, the practice of addressing "mr. and mrs. john smith" IS outdated, and i'd like to do what little part i can to help usher it the way of the do-do. kwim?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I gotcha. I'm on your side, really, about the preference thing. I guess I just see their side/don't blame them for being old-fashioned. Also - hell, I don't know you that well, but even without the comments I've seen you make about the name thing, I could probably infer that you wouldn't want to be addressed that way.

[Deleted User]

i don't blame them. i just want to correct them. in the politest way possible.

Calypso1977

mery - imo, the practice of addressing "mr. and mrs. john smith" IS outdated

is it really?  maybe i'm just under a rock, because honestly, other than on here, i've never heard anyone say that they want their first name used, and ive never seen anyone address an envelope to Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith.  i'm always good about not assuming the wife took the H's name, althogh in my circle of friends and even in my family, i'm one of the only ones who didnt change.  i would gladly readdress it if someone like you told me it bothered you, btu otherwise, ive never heard anyone grumble abotu mr. and mrs. john smith. 

Birdie1483

I have. Lots.

JanoBean75

Just call up the aunts and explain that you prefer not to be called "Mrs. John Smith" -- it's easier than it sounds. Explain that you like your first name and are attached to it. Ask that they drop the titles because you do not go by "Mrs." anyway. First names and your shared last name are preferred.

Do you also dislike if they omit his first name and just call you both "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or "the Smiths" -- that's where I'd probably let it slide. And also where I'd echo some of the others in saying you changed your last name so you should expect that. However, I do agree with you that you didn't change your first name and they should not assume what to call you in correspondence.

What I find interesting is that people of older generations are used to a certain etiquette -- insisting on calling all married couples "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" whether the woman changed her name or not -- but don't consider it bad etiquette to ignore the wishes of the woman that didn't change her name.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_politely?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c39b3462-3ec5-458c-bd95-c3cd19cacec1Post:a6015efd-105d-4ef6-bbf9-6571c360742c">Re: how do i politely...</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you also dislike if they omit his first name and just call you both "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" or "the Smiths" -- that's where I'd probably let it slide.
Posted by JanoBean75[/QUOTE]
if given the choice, i'd prefer "mr. and ms. smith" over "mr and mrs. smith" since i prefer ms. regardless of marital status. i'd be inclined to let that go, for now, but i would prefer ms. or no title in any situation. i have no problem at all with "the smiths".

filaw

I think it's interesting that Mrs. == wife of makes it somehow more okay?

I am more than just the wife of my husband.  I am me.  What that makes it sound like, is some stranger that only knew my husband is addressing us by saying, Mr. Husband and his wife.  That would make sense from a stranger, but anyone who knows me should address me as myself, not as my husband's wife.