Wedding Etiquette Forum

Mom and Bride tug of war

We're making our own invitations (they're beautiful!), and I'm trying to decide what address to put on the RSVP postcards. I want the cards to come to my apartment across the state, and my mom wants them to come to her. I want the cards because I feel like that's one of the fun parts -- getting to see who's coming to the wedding! I think my mom wants them for the same reasons. 

Since she's "hosting" the event and paying for everything, do I have to give in? She's okay with me having them, but I know that's not what she really wants. Do I have to wait to see *if* I have a daughter someday and enough money to throw her a wedding to enjoy these aspects of the wedding planning? 

Furthermore, I feel like I'd be saving her a lot of work by receiving them because I can keep track of everything and make calls to people who don't respond. 


Re: Mom and Bride tug of war

  • If she is paying, than she needs to know the head count. Are you planning on calling her everyday to let her know how many came in that day?  Or you could just pony up the cash? haha just another reason FI and I are footing the entire bill, we answer to no one!
  • Have you explained to her that you really appreciate all of the time and money she's already put into the wedding and just want to take this responsibility on yourself?  I dunno.  Doesn't sound like something to have a jello wrestling death match over.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
  • The RSVPs for our wedding are coming to my house, because yeah, I think it would be fun, even though my parents are hosting the reception.

    As far as planning on calling her every day some come in - well, yeah, I probably will, because we're both excited about the wedding and we talk often. But in reality, she doesn't need an update EVERY DAY to know the headcount, no one needs the exact headcount until the day the venue needs it.

    On top of that, just because my parents are paying for the reception doesn't mean they're the ones dealing with headcount, etc. For the most part, I'm the one in contact with the venues and I'm the one calling the shots.

    I know a lot of people here say, "he who pays, says," and that is true in the case of some seriously, fundamental disagreements about wedding planning. However, my parents are paying for the reception and that doesn't mean they're planning the reception or making all the decisions about the reception or anything like that. They're paying, but allowing me (shocker) to plan my own wedding.

    So yeah. They're coming to me. And I don't have to pay for the privelege. Because it's my weddding.
    On bed rest since Groundhog's Day and every day since has been exactly the same.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • That novel was all in reply mgietler76, not the OP.

    OP - it's fine to have them sent to your house, unless it's really going to hurt your mom's feelings. Then it becomes a kind of "is this a hill I want to die on" thing, you know?
    On bed rest since Groundhog's Day and every day since has been exactly the same.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Honestly, I'd probably make something up that made sense why you wanted to recieve them....

    Tell her you are making the seating chart as you go, and you can give her a final head count at the end.

    Or that you need to be able to have a running count of cards, plus the people who think its okay to just "reply" by word of mouth.

    I know a lot of people think whoever is hosting gets to have a lot of say, especially if they are paying for it.  I don't necessarily disagree, I just think there are some little things that you can definitely say that you want, and no one should argue. But if your mom wants all her cousins there, give in immediately, even though the one still eats playdough and he is 36.
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  • It's not worth fighting over. If your mom wants to do it, let her do it. My mom wanted them all at their house and she said she would keep track and let me know as they came in. That was fine, I was going to find out through her, so why does it matter who sees them first? For my dad's part he knew that a lot of his older relatives wouldn't really like that H and I lived together before we got married, so I think he agreed with my mom because of that. It's a stupid fight to be having so I would just let your mom take the reins on this one. Just have her save all the cards because a lot of people wrote really nice messages to us whether they were coming or not and it was nice to read them once I got my hands on them.
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I know that my  mom was a little disappointed that responses went to my house the first time I got married. We lived in a different state and we were tracking guests, following up on RSVPs if necessary, and generally in charge of the guest list and numbers so it made sense for us to get them. She understood and agreed, but I think it made her a little sad.

    I did call her just about every day to let her know who had responded, what they wrote, etc. I went out of my way to make sure she could still be as included in the process as possible.
  • Either is fine - do whatever will cause the least total hurt feelings.  If they go to your mom to start, can you ask her to mail them to you a week's worth at a time so that you can see them too?
    DIY & Planning | Married 

    Married: 2010
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  • My mom wanted to receive the RSVP's because she was hosting, so I said fine. We actually got a basket and put it out of kids reach and she would stick them all in their when she received them that way they were all accessible. But I would go there during my lunch break and she'd leave me a bunch to open. :) shes cute like that.
    image Married and Junk.
  • i know if i were planning an event, i'd want the cards.  your mom seems to be in control fo the event, id just have the cards go to her.

     i agree wtih mgietler.  if you review all of the issues and problems on this board, id say probably 90-95% of them stem from parents paying and having say in teh wedding.  if brides and grooms assumed responsblity for their own weddings, then so much pain and stress would be eliminated so easily.
  • Our cards are being sent to my parents and my mom emails me every day with who RSVPed. It's fun for my parents to get them, and then I look forward to receiving emails letting me know who'll be there. I then go online and update the information. Plus, I don't check my mail as often as my parents do!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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