Mother-of-the-groom ettiquite nightmare

LaurenLeier12

My fiance and I read through suggestions and got advice from others before planning our wedding to ensure we knew what we wanted and what we could afford. We asked our parents what they felt comfortable contributing for our celebrations and got a firm commitment from both of them. We all decided to split the wedding 50-30-20 (Mother of the Bride- Us- Mother of the Groom). As it turns out, my fiance's mother (mother of the groom) is terrible with money and instead of sending a check sent me a 4 page letter explaining why she doesn't have any money and wont be paying for anything but the rehearsal dinner. This was after she waited several months and allowed us to book a venue. This isn't the first financial obligation she's backed out on (she hit my car and hasn't paid me for it)... and now my fiance and I are convinced we'd rather pay for the rest of the wedding ourselves to avoid the headaches and embarrassment if she doesn't come through again. While we understand money issues, which lets face it, we ALL have right now, we still feel upset with her backing out this far in the planning process. Now we don't know how to communicate our feelings without making it seem like we don't trust her to do what she says. How should we handle the situation?

JessAndTrav

You handle it by changing your venue or finding the money to pay for it yourself.

They say that because of instances like this, you should've gotten the money upfront, into your account. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but you have to realize that shiit happens, you know?

thesuninherhead

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-groom-ettiquite-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4f947d6-9ce1-41cf-b476-5c8aa3653542Post:c327ba33-e07d-4580-bd69-7b977fc03345">Mother-of-the-groom ettiquite nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I read through suggestions and got advice from others before planning our wedding to ensure we knew what we wanted and what we could afford. We asked our parents what they felt comfortable contributing for our celebrations and got a firm commitment from both of them. We all decided to split the wedding 50-30-20 ( Mother of the Bride - Us- Mother of the Groom). As it turns out, my fiance's mother (mother of the groom) is terrible with money and instead of sending a check sent me a 4 page letter explaining why she doesn't have any money and wont be paying for anything but the rehearsal dinner . This was after she waited several months and allowed us to book a venue. This isn't the first financial obligation she's backed out on (she hit my car and hasn't paid me for it)... and now my fiance and I are convinced we'd rather pay for the rest of the wedding ourselves to avoid the headaches and embarrassment if she doesn't come through again. While we understand money issues, which lets face it, we ALL have right now, we still feel upset with her backing out this far in the planning process. Now we don't know how to communicate our feelings without making it seem like we don't trust her to do what she says. How should we handle the situation?
Posted by LaurenLeier12[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>Planing the rest based on what you can afford to spend (and what your parents have given you) sounds like the only way forward here... perhaps she over-estimated what she was comfortable with contributing because she felt pressured? In any case, taking on the rest yourself may result in you needing to change venues etc, but it's a much better option than going through this every time something she's offered to pay for comes up. </p><p> </p><p>I'd let her know that you really appreciate her offer but that you know she's in a tight spot and are happy to foot the bill yourself.</p>

iamjoesgurl

I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you should have guessed that she would not come through with the money.  She certainly isn't obligated to pay for any of the wedding and I think you need to sit down and look at your budget to see what you can cut out.  Your other option is to start saving more if that's possible.  Sorry that this happened to you, but if it was me, I would not be asking for any more money from her.  You'd just be setting yourself up for more disappointment.

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-groom-ettiquite-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4f947d6-9ce1-41cf-b476-5c8aa3653542Post:c327ba33-e07d-4580-bd69-7b977fc03345">Mother-of-the-groom ettiquite nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I read through suggestions and got advice from others before planning our wedding to ensure we knew what we wanted and what we could afford. We asked our parents what they felt comfortable contributing for our celebrations and got a firm commitment from both of them. We all decided to split the wedding 50-30-20 ( Mother of the Bride - Us- Mother of the Groom). As it turns out, my fiance's mother (mother of the groom) is terrible with money and instead of sending a check sent me a 4 page letter explaining why she doesn't have any money and wont be paying for anything but the rehearsal dinner . This was after she waited several months and allowed us to book a venue. <font color="#0000ff">This isn't the first financial obligation she's backed out on (she hit my car and hasn't paid me for it)...</font>
<font color="#ff0000">This should have been your first clue.</font>
<font color="#0000ff">and now my fiance and I are convinced we'd rather pay for the rest of the wedding ourselves to avoid the headaches and embarrassment if she doesn't come through again.</font>
<font color="#ff0000">And this is your best option.</font>
While we understand money issues, which lets face it, we ALL have right now, we still feel upset with her backing out this far in the planning process. Now we don't know how to communicate our feelings without making it seem like we don't trust her to do what she says. How should we handle the situation?
Posted by LaurenLeier12[/QUOTE]

Stop sharing your plans, plan the wedding you can afford, and find it in your budget to pay for your RD. If your FMIL does end up paying for it, bonus.

mrs-smith2b

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.  My future in-laws have processed a certain amount of money, but have yet to write the check.  My FI & I have already decided not to count on the money, and to just take it as a bonus if they come through (bc of their previous money issues).

You should adjust & pay for it yourselves & like pp said plan to pay for your RD.  I know it's disappointing, but you two shouldn't count on her.  You're setting yourself up to be upset again, if you trust her again.  Good luck!

eav2c

I'm sorry to hear this. However, at this point, just count her out of the "money pot"... Some people really do fall on hard times, and she might be really embarssed by the situation. IMO, most parents WANT to help, but it doesn't mean they are capable of helping.

At this point... I would take a look at your budget--and what you really want and what you can live without. Scaling back on things such as flowers could really help. If you are able to scale back, it will help alleviate the 20% she said she'd put in. Your whole other option is to lower your budget... I don't know what your budget is, but, I have been to many beautiful weddings where the budget wasn't big. In fact, my FI and I don't have a huge budget (we are paying for the wedding ourselves)... But, we've made sure to pay more for the things really, really want and forget about the things that we'd just like to have. Prioritize the most important to the least important and see if you can save any many that way

I would let her pay for the rehearsal dinner if she still is able to... But make sure that she knows that you still want her to do that.

Kristin789

Here in the South, the contracts are signed by whoever is paying the bill.  For example, the groom's parents sign the contract for the RD venue.  That way, whoever SAYS they'll pay, is legally CONTRACTED to pay.

I have never heard of any real person getting a "money pot" or "wedding account" into which the bride's parents deposit a check, the groom's parents deposit a check, etc.  Never.

Here's another example:  A friend of mine was planning her wedding.  She has a mother and step-dad who are terrible with money, and a father and step-mom who are completely tight with money.  The father didn't want to get stuck with any bills that the mother&stepdad promised to pay.  Here's what they did:

When the bride was ready to make a commitment, ALL FOUR PARENTS went to the venue, and the venue was told ahead of time to prepare two equal contracts for half the cost.  Then the mother&stepdad signed one contract, and the father&stepmom signed the other contract.  The father was assured that he would not be legally liable for the mother&stepdad contract, and if there was a problem with them paying their half, that problem would be with the VENUE and the MOTHER&STEPDAD.  NOT with the father.

In this way, no one promises to pay for something without legally signing the contract to pay for it.  Works great.

leayn

wow...that sucks, but it does sound like you're not too surprised.  if you don't feel comfortable telling her you're disappointed in person, write her a letter back telling her how you feel....you should at lest get it off your chest (and seriously...she needs to hear it so she can learn to stop offering what she doesn't intend to give).

i would also say "since you're not doing this...can you at least pay for the car?"  my fiance's parents have not offered up anything yet, and i am not expecting them to.  from day one we decided we would not plan anything we could not afford to pay for on our own just to avoid situations like this.  good luck!!!

MyNameIsNot

This is what happens when you ask people to pay for your wedding.  You put her on the spot, and she agreed to give you money she didn't have.

luckyme502

I am sorry this is happening to you, but you are going to have to pick up the tab for her portion yourself. 

eav2c

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mother-of-groom-ettiquite-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c4f947d6-9ce1-41cf-b476-5c8aa3653542Post:56863711-c688-4d3e-90da-ce49baa7b1ad">Re: Mother-of-the-groom ettiquite nightmare</a>:
[QUOTE]Here in the South, the contracts are signed by whoever is paying the bill.  For example, the groom's parents sign the contract for the RD venue.  That way, whoever SAYS they'll pay, is legally CONTRACTED to pay.<strong>
</strong> Here's another example:  A friend of mine was planning her wedding.  She has a mother and step-dad who are terrible with money, and a father and step-mom who are completely tight with money.  The father didn't want to get stuck with any bills that the mother&stepdad promised to pay.  Here's what they did: When the bride was ready to make a commitment, ALL FOUR PARENTS went to the venue, and the venue was told ahead of time to prepare two equal contracts for half the cost.  Then the mother&stepdad signed one contract, and the father&stepmom signed the other contract.  The father was assured that he would not be legally liable for the mother&stepdad contract, and if there was a problem with them paying their half, that problem would be with the VENUE and the MOTHER&STEPDAD.  NOT with the father. In this way, no one promises to pay for something without legally signing the contract to pay for it.  Works great.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

You completely took the "money pot" statement out of context. I didn't mean that the parents deposit money into an account... I just meant--count them out of the 50-30-20 plan... Yes, often times whoever says they are paying will sign a contract with whatever it is they are paying for.

But on another note--it is not uncommon for parents to write their children checks to help pay for a wedding. There are odds & ends that need to get paid for--and through being in numerous weddings, here in the SOUTH, I can attest to the fact that I have seen it happen and it DOES happen.