Wedding redo?

muisea

nvmd

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-redo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c955b3a4-71ac-4c38-a79d-90dc6f66f017Post:47124015-622c-4bae-a2bc-b4bd6706b840">Wedding redo?</a>:
[QUOTE]So my husband and I have been married a little over a year now.  We were engaged for 2 years and kept having to put the wedding off until I finished my degree and got a job.  We got frustrated and really just wanted to be married, so we went to the courthouse and had a civil ceremony, we dressed nice and his closest family and friends were invited, but there was no celebration, just a signing of the license.  But all of my family and friends live out of town, and we always planned on having a real wedding ceremony and reception for all of our family and friends, but my MIL is of the opinion that you have to have the ceremony and reception no more than a month after the actual marriage.  And now my SIL is newly engaged and making wedding plans and I don't want to interfer with her time.  <strong>Am I still allowed to plan</strong> <strong>our wedding? </strong> Should I wait until well after she has hers?  It really bothers me that none of my family and friends could celebrate with us, and that actually we never celebrated at all.   Is it ok to have a re-do? 
Posted by muisea[/QUOTE]


Nope. Your wedding was at the courthouse.  What you are describing is a vow renewal.  Vow renewals are all well and good, so go ahead! Just be sure to not plan any pre-ewdding activities (showers, bach parties, etc) because you are already married.  I wouldn't worry about stepping on her toes.  Just don't make a big deal out of it.  Start planning it for when you want it, don't talk about it in detail to many people, and then send out the invitations when you're ready.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-redo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c955b3a4-71ac-4c38-a79d-90dc6f66f017Post:1188c89f-316c-4595-830d-b892a7ed86fb">Re: Wedding redo?</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope, your real wedding was when you went to the courthouse, signed the papers, and called each other husband and wife. You can certainly have a vow renewal. Don't call it your wedding. People will be offended. And I would wait until after your SIL gets married. <strong>She actually is going to be considerate and let everyone see the real thing. </strong>You can have your PPD later.
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

LMC, this was unnecessary.  You don't know that OP was deliberately being inconsiderate or that her family wasn't invited to the courthouse.

OP, if you want to have a vow renewal, I would suggest what PP's have already said, schedule it for a big anniversary (like 5th) and have a big anniversary party.  I don't know if I'd do the whole big white dress thing, but you can definitely dress up and throw a kickass party for your family and friends.  Renew your vows and then celebrate.  I don't think I need to tell you "don't call it a wedding", since I'm pretty sure by now your whole family and all your friends know that you're already married. 

kwilliams111012

Re: Convalidation talk
Since we don't know the faith of the OP, she very well could be Catholic and have this option.  Yes, a Convalidation ceremony takes a lot of work, classes, meeting with the priest, etc.  As a Catholic, I've been to about 10 of these ceremonies and everyone handles them differently.  3 or 4 have been like actual weddings, while others are during the week and more like a normal mass. 

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-redo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c955b3a4-71ac-4c38-a79d-90dc6f66f017Post:00fc8017-9d5d-40fc-8cb8-9374c39f7fa2">Re: Wedding redo?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding redo? : This.  Also, most priests will not allow the couple to turn the convalidation into a do-over wedding.  Most priests ask that convalidations occur on weekdays or following regularly scheduled services, recommend against the big white dress and large wedding party, etc. <strong> And most will only grant convalidations to people who convert to Catholicism after marriage.</strong>  Few will grant convalidstions to people who had their quickie wedding and now want a do-over in a church setting.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

This isn't always true.  My parents actually had a convalidation when I was eight or nine, and they were both born and raised Catholic.  At the time they had a JOP wedding, they were not practicing Catholics, although they never did anything drastic like convert to another faith or renounce Catholicism - they were just young adults who stopped going to church.  After they had kids, they became regularly-practicing Catholics again (i.e. going to church every Sunday, participating in church activities, etc.), so they had a convalidation at that point because they were able to show that the role of the church in their lives had changed from when they were first married.  If you have a compelling reason for not marrying in the church the first time around (or for why the church blessing didn't matter to you then and does now), it doesn't matter if you're "newly converted" or not.

StephBeanWed61502

Also, I like the idea of a fifth anniversary vow renewal for OP - it gives you plenty of time to save up to throw the party of the century, and also gets you out of the way of your SIL, so no one can claim you're "stepping on her toes" (I personally don't think you would be even if you planned a vow renewal now, but it seems like something you're concerned about, so I figured I'd throw this out there).

And, as others have said, it's not a wedding, it's a vow renewal/anniversary party/convalidation/whatever.  Don't disrespect your own wedding by describing it as "not real."

kwilliams111012

Ditto, StephBean.  I have 2 sets of aunts and uncles that were raised Catholic, stopped going to church and married outside of the church who were later on able to have their marriage blessed in the Catholic church through a convalidation ceremony. 

baystateapple

I work for a priest who performs convalidations all the time, on weekends, and doesn't care if the bride wears a white dress, etc.  All he cares about is that people aren't "living in sin" anymore.  If a couple comes to him and wants to have their marriage convalidated, he doesn't turn them away or require them to be held in the rectory on a weekday.  Of course, he may be the exception and not the norm.

Note: He DOES require them to be parishioners and Catholic, just in case anyone thought it sounded like he performs convalidations all willy-nilly. 

Bec67

Below is something I came across and thought this might be of some use to you.

A Bad Reason to have a vow renewal ceremony
You missed wedding planning and want to throw another party.
The focus of any wedding but especially a vow renewal, should be the promises you are making to each other, and the sacred ritual of marriage, not the party.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-redo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c955b3a4-71ac-4c38-a79d-90dc6f66f017Post:b8183d79-589e-4136-b443-32f866b44713">Re: Wedding redo?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding redo? : LMC, this was <strong>unnecessary</strong>.  You don't know that OP was deliberately being inconsiderate or that her family wasn't invited to the courthouse. OP, if you want to have a vow renewal, I would suggest what PP's have already said, schedule it for a big anniversary (like 5th) and have a big anniversary party.  I don't know if I'd do the whole big white dress thing, but you can definitely dress up and throw a kickass party for your family and friends.  Renew your vows and then celebrate.  I don't think I need to tell you "don't call it a wedding", since I'm pretty sure by now your whole family and all your friends know that you're already married. 
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

You're right. Sorry OP!

muisea

Because we didn't have proper time to get things set up before my sister left, we had a week of warning.

muisea

When we made the plans to "elope" we went on monday and were told we could see a judge tuesday or friday, my sister left saturday and I didn't think she would be able to make it back for the planned wedding (which everyone had been told about), which was scheduled for 5 months later.  We told our families and friends what we were planning as soon as we knew, so that those that wanted to be present and were able could do so, but we made it clear that for US, the real wedding would be later at the scheduled date. Due to the surprise of having half the money we thought we would have for the wedding, we had to indefinitely push back the wedding ceremony and reception, which MY family (like my grandma and uncles and mother) are still expecting I have.  Now that I have got my degree and have a job and we can afford to do something, we are talking about kids in the next year or two, but my dad says we should have our ceremony and reception before we have kids.  My MIL is of the opinion of most of the people that have replied, that she was there at the courthouse, so there is no reason for her to go to a second ceremony. I would like to be able to say the vows we wrote but never got to say at the courthouse with our families there and perform the rituals that are important to my beliefs, before we have kids and I would like to do it tastefully.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-redo?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c955b3a4-71ac-4c38-a79d-90dc6f66f017Post:8572bf6c-21c0-4a75-b7aa-f0df98f34917">Re: Wedding redo?</a>:
[QUOTE]When we made the plans to "elope" we went on monday and were told we could see a judge tuesday or friday, my sister left saturday and I didn't think she would be able to make it back for the planned wedding (which everyone had been told about), which was scheduled for 5 months later.  We told our families and friends what we were planning as soon as we knew, so that those that wanted to be present and were able could do so, but we made it clear that for US, the real wedding would be later at the scheduled date. Due to the surprise of having half the money we thought we would have for the wedding, we had to indefinitely push back the wedding ceremony and reception, which MY family (like my grandma and uncles and mother) are still expecting I have.  Now that I have got my degree and have a job and we can afford to do something, we are talking about kids in the next year or two, but my dad says we should have our ceremony and reception before we have kids.  My MIL is of the opinion of most of the people that have replied, that she was there at the courthouse, so there is no reason for her to go to a second ceremony. I would like to be able to say the vows we wrote but never got to say at the courthouse with our families there and perform the rituals that are important to my beliefs, before we have kids and I would like to do it tastefully.
Posted by muisea[/QUOTE]
Okay, so have a tasteful, understated vow renewal ceremony and reception.

lheinicke6625

You are allowed to throw whatever kind of party you want to. And if you want to call it a wedding, do it! I think wanting to get dressed up in your dress is reason enough. I got married last year and my husband, and our bridal party and myself will be putting all of our stuff back on and having a party. I used Moser photography in St. Louis and did NOT like my wedding pictures so we decided we are having our pictures redone also. And as for all the religious weirdos who say it doesn't count as a wedding, I'm sure God would appreciate your enthusiasm toward your marriage and bless your marriage at a wedding or wedding redo over and over. And for everyone who got married in a courthouse, good for you. But if its not what she wants then why not do it again? People who do destination weddings come back and redo everything for their receptions. Do what you want to do!