Am I wrong for feeling this way?

HannahK15

My fiance, Matt and I recently got engaged on Dec 16, 2011. We announced our wedding date (Oct 6, 2012) over Christmas weekend. We have our reception venue, photographer, caterer, and dj all booked and booking fees paid.

I recently found out (about a week ago) that Matt's brother and fiancee finally set a date for their wedding (they have been engaged for well over a year now). And they the picked the weekend before us (Sept 29, 2012).

Now I wouldnt really have a problem with this except that Matt's parents have been going to through a very tough/rough patch financially. They almost bankrupt and are really struggling.

I feel it was very rude of Matt's brother and fiancee all of sudden pick a date right after we announced ours and to pick the the day exactly a week before us. I feel they are being inconsiterated about Matt's parents financal situation. And I also feel like they only picked a date because we picked ours.

Am I right in feeling this way?

p.s the groom's parents financial situation matters because she wants to put on bridal showers and get gifts and host the rehearsal dinner. I think it's harder on the parent's to have to do 2 of everything. (she wants seperate parties for both of us)

p.s.s. I haven't mentioned my feelings to anyone, not even my fiance. I didn't plan on bringing it up either. Also all of Matt's family lives nearby...the longest drive for someone is about half an hour.

crfische

Why would the parent's financial situation matter? Is there travel involved?

aragx6

A week is tough on families who have to travel, so I can understand a little bit where you're coming from, but at the end of the day we all have to set wedding dates that work for us. Being mad won't do anything but adversely affect your relationship with your new family. Also, please answer fishy's question. This confuses me also.

mari0225

If traveling is involved then that will be hard, but I guess that was the weekend that works best for them so there is really nothing you can do. You do not want to start your married life together fighting with  your new family members.

Matty143

I'm amazed you got so much done in the first month! Good for you.

So, had FBIL& FSIL not been talking about dates at all before you set yours? Is this an "Ill be damned if they get married before us" situation? I'm just curious.

Unless the FILs (parents) need to travel I don't think you need to be concerned about their financial situation. Its nice of you, and you should decline any offers they may make to help pay for the wedding. But if they don't need to travel, then the weddings being a week apart shouldn't be a problem for them.

StephBeanWed61502

I'm going to steal a line from my FI here:  "Suck it up, cupcake!"

Seriously, as PPs have said, this may create difficulties for family members who may need to travel to both weddings, but ultimately, there's nothing you can do - you picked the date that worked best for you, they picked the date that worked best for them.  It's not personal, so don't turn it into a problem.  As for FI's parents' financial situation and his mom wanting to host showers and whatnot, it's your FMIL's job to worry about and figure out what she can and can't afford to do, not yours.  Accept whatever (if anything) she offers graciously and move on.

Simply Fated

Let your in-laws be annoyed/upset/whatever. Keep your focus on your own wedding and don't worry about what theyre doing. You're not doing anything wrong, if that helps.

bmoruzzi

Please don't be upset about this.  You get one day.  They get one day.  We had 4 family weddings last year.  It wasn't a big deal at all.  The parents don't have to pay for anything.  

Meghannsix

I agree, this may be annoying, but there's nothing you can do about it, and no one can blame you for what's going to be a very busy two weekends in a row for your in-laws.  Focus on your own wedding, and congrats for being so productive!

kmmssg

As a MOB, I'm not quite understanding why the lack of travel negates financial hardship on the parents.  If I were the MOG we'd all be having a chat and there would NOT be weddings 2 weekends in a row.

Agreed the parents aren't required to pay for anything, but there will be showers, wedding gifts, rehearsal dinners, clothing to buy, etc.  OP states that MOG wants to host showers, buy gifts, host RDs - thats a ton of money right there.

We almost had my dd and stepdd get married 3 weeks apart.  The stepdd was 17 when she got engaged and kept her plans secret from us until she and her mom had things set.  In the end she moved her date and got married 3 months after dd but that was quite a lot of money for us to lay out.  The aunts and cousins had several comments about how expensive 2 showers and 2 weddings in 3 months were. 

The other 2 girls were told point blank if they wanted help with their weddings they had to have a year between  them.

OP - I agree that it was rude to schedule the wedding a week before yours - it was very inconsiderate to your FIL's and I can't believe that was the weekend that worked best for both families.  That being said, if you pop a cork over this and stir the pot you will come off in a bad light.  If this is a problem for his parents they need to pick that battle and discuss it with their other son. 

Continue with your plans and let this go.  I will guarantee you though that some of the relatives will not be happy with the decision but that isn't your problem and you need to make sure that you don't make it your problem.  Deal with your feelings, let it go, and enjoy wedding planning with your FI.

MyUserName1

You can't control what they do, but you can control how you respond.

And you should not respond to it. 

Tami87

I understand how it can be frustrating. FI's cousin is getting married the weekend after us. It frustrated me because the bride specifically asked me our date (which we had already booked) so she could plan accordingly. Then they picked the weekend right after us anyway. But after I vented a little I realized it is really not going to be a big deal. The family will do what they are gonna do and if some decline because of the back to back weddings that just means money left over and more upgrades for our guests who can make it! Obviously, it may be even tougher with siblings, but if the FIL's didn't see a problem with it and speak up for themselves then I wouldn't worry about it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-wrong-feeling-this-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cad95a72-9fc0-41db-b2e7-c701c6530a7ePost:a8173565-4a04-4464-90fc-bb08ba7cdccc">Re: Am I wrong for feeling this way?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>As a MOB, I'm not quite understanding why the lack of travel negates financial hardship on the parents.  If I were the MOG we'd all be having a chat and there would NOT be weddings 2 weekends in a row.</strong> Agreed the parents aren't required to pay for anything, but there will be showers, wedding gifts, rehearsal dinners, clothing to buy, etc.  OP states that MOG wants to host showers, buy gifts, host RDs - thats a ton of money right there. We almost had my dd and stepdd get married 3 weeks apart.  The stepdd was 17 when she got engaged and kept her plans secret from us until she and her mom had things set.  In the end she moved her date and got married 3 months after dd but that was quite a lot of money for us to lay out.  The aunts and cousins had several comments about how expensive 2 showers and 2 weddings in 3 months were.  The other 2 girls were told point blank if they wanted help with their weddings they had to have a year between  them. OP - I agree that it was rude to schedule the wedding a week before yours - it was very inconsiderate to your FIL's and I can't believe that was the weekend that worked best for both families.  That being said, if you pop a cork over this and stir the pot you will come off in a bad light.  If this is a problem for his parents they need to pick that battle and discuss it with their other son.  Continue with your plans and let this go.  I will guarantee you though that some of the relatives will not be happy with the decision but that isn't your problem and you need to make sure that you don't make it your problem.  Deal with your feelings, let it go, and enjoy wedding planning with your FI.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this. If it's a problem, they will either not offer to pay, or they will have a chat. I know 2 sets of siblings who were married in 2010. Each of them had weddings about 3 months apart. I would imagine that would, financially, be easier on the parents.

You can voluntarily move your wedding, or you could voluntarily pay for the RD.

RaptorSLH

If this is a problem for your in-laws, let them be the one to complain to the ones who made the second decision.  If you say anything, it will be received very poorly.  Interfering mothers tend to be more tolerated than sisters-in-law.  

The best you can do is be gracious.  If it comes up, say you wouldn't have chosen a date so close, but that X,Y, and Z were all booked by date such-and-so, before their announcement, and you really can't change them.  But their presence is the only gift you require, and all those other things aren't really necessary.  Then, if they still offer, accept with grace.

SilverLining1

Ditto kmmssg. There's nothing that you can do without presenting yourself in a bad light. Hopefully the financial burden won't be too stressful for FIL's, and if it is, they'll have to be the ones to say something. Take your moments to be privately irritated (because it's very irritating and inconsiderate) and then forget about it.

staceycaine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-wrong-feeling-this-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cad95a72-9fc0-41db-b2e7-c701c6530a7ePost:a214e81d-e74e-4d24-b81d-835dc2217329">Am I wrong for feeling this way?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance, Matt and I recently got engaged on Dec 16, 2011. We announced our wedding date (Oct 6, 2012) over Christmas weekend. We have our reception venue, photographer, caterer, and dj all booked and booking fees paid. I recently found out (about a week ago) that Matt's brother and fiancee finally set a date for their wedding (they have been engaged for well over a year now). And they the picked the weekend before us (Sept 29, 2012). Now I wouldnt really have a problem with this except that Matt's parents have been going to through a very tough/rough patch financially. They almost bankrupt and are really struggling. I feel it was very rude of Matt's brother and fiancee all of sudden pick a date right after we announced ours and to pick the the day exactly a week before us. I feel they are being <strong>inconsiterated </strong>about Matt's parents financal situation. And I also feel like they only picked a date because we picked ours. Am I right in feeling this way? p.s the groom's parents financial situation matters because she wants to put on bridal showers and get gifts and host the rehearsal dinner. I think it's harder on the parent's to have to do 2 of everything. (she wants seperate parties for both of us) p.s.s. I haven't mentioned my feelings to anyone, not even my fiance. I didn't plan on bringing it up either. Also all of Matt's family lives nearby...the longest drive for someone is about half an hour.
Posted by HannahK15[/QUOTE]

I mean, there are a lot of spelling errors in the world (and in this post), but this one is really, really good.

In other news, WHO wants "seperate" parties? The other bride? Or the MOG? If it's the MOG, then she's offering. You can decline if you feel bad about it. If it's the other bride who is demanding parties, then she sucks.

skippylouwho

As a sort of recent MOG - it matters because they typically want to host the rehearsal dinner. They want to give the couple wedding and shower gifts. They want nice clothes to wear to all of the wedding events.  My DH has been out of work 3.5 years.  It really hurt to have to buy a dress for $25 on ebay for DD's wedding and $30 for a dress at Macy's. If they were dresses I loved I'd have been excited at the cheap prices. They weren't. They were dress that would do, fit and I could sort of afford. We couldn't pay for the rehearsal dinner, I saved my change all year to pay for our clothes and the gifts we gave.

Parents financial situation does matter to most parents. Most want to contribute in some way, even if it is just to clothe themselves appropriately for the biggest or one of the biggest events in their children's lives.

angelsong21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-wrong-feeling-this-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cad95a72-9fc0-41db-b2e7-c701c6530a7ePost:24238ec8-89fe-41cd-83df-23dbfe154386">Re: Am I wrong for feeling this way?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I wrong for feeling this way? : I'm usually on board with the "you get one day/they get one day" line of thinking, but not when it comes to back to back sibling weddings.  It's not like this is a distant cousin.  This could also put a strain on grandparents, aunts/uncles and other close family members. Some may have to decide they can only come to one and that would suck.  Even a month between events would be better IMO. The parents don't have to pay for anything, but her FMIL wants to. It sucks, OP, but you can't say anything or you look like a brat.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

This exactly.

Bex44

My FSIL & FBIL did the same thing to me and FI. We had been engaged 3 years before them and our families both knew and then they got engaged last year and my FILs told us we had to wait for them to annouce their date because we hadn't choosen a date yet. It sucked because for three years we were slowly planning our wedding very quietly, but well known to our parents and then we were expected to wait for FIs younger brother and second to annouce his engagement, to set a date. 
It's hard for FIs family because the weddings ended up being 8 weeks apart to the day, but what most everyone else has said; you chose the date that worked best for you and they chose the best date for them. Just think; Yours will be the last wedding everyone talks about if that helps put you at ease

RyansBelovedBride

You're not wrong for feeling that way, but you'd be wrong to speak up. It's something that his family has to either sort out, or just let be. 

I mean, in some situations this would be okay. This past summer, I went to two weddings of brothers that were back to back that way, but on purpose. One married on Memorial Day, the next the Saturday after so they were less than a week apart, so that family members who travelled in could attend both, since it's cheaper to extend a trip by a few days than to have two separate trips. But that's because there was lots of travel. This is a situation it does sort of sound like 'they can't get marreid before us!' I hope that's not the case, but I guess you just have to let the FILs sort it out...