MOB contacting MOG?

gynyphurr

I recently got engaged and my mother is asking me if she should contact my husband to be's mother. Is there any sort of etiquette in regards to this?

AllAboutTheBenjamin

What's wrong with your mom wanting to talk to his mom?

They're gonna be family, for shiit's sake.

superheroprincess

If she wants to contact her I don't see a problem.  Is there a reason why you wouldn't want her too?

aragx6

Have they met before? If not I'd try to set up a dinner or something to make the introduction.

If that's not possible because of distance, I'd have Fi call his mom and let her know your mom would like to get to know her and to expect her call.

danieliza1127

I'm not sure I understand the question.  They can get in touch, sure.  I don't think there's any rule or etiquette regarding this.  Will your parents be paying for the wedding?  Maybe that's why she thinks she should get in touch with his parents?  Or if she wants, your Mom could host and engagement party and invite his parents and siblings so everyone can meet.

gynyphurr

Sorry, should have been more clear. Obviously I am aware that they are soon to be family and have no problem with my mother doing this. It was more of a question in terms of what my mother's responsibilities are in the situation. They are very far away- CA vs. OK, and my mother is a very introverted, shy person, that she even brought it up is a huge step for her. So while I of course want them to get to know one another, I don't want her to feel like she Has to do something right now. 

So really, my question was, is there some sort of MOB is in charge of initiating contact etc etc etiquette that I haven't heard of? Or is up to us, Fi and I, to get everyone together?

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-contacting-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cb1355d9-b29d-4093-9448-05afa6bc52ccPost:f626ae59-a1ef-4b3b-af2c-206a2d385edf">Re: MOB contacting MOG?</a>:
[QUOTE]So really, my question was, is there some sort of MOB is in charge of initiating contact etc etc etiquette that I haven't heard of? Or is up to us, Fi and I, to get everyone together?
Posted by gynyphurr[/QUOTE]

Nah, you don't have to worry about it.  There's no rule that says they have to meet now that you're engaged or that they have to be friends or anything.  If your parents or his parents host an engagement party, that would be the time to do it but since they live so far away from each other, even that probably won't be practical. 

It's okay if they don't meet until the wedding or some pre-wedding event.  No big deal.

akhensley81

OP, I think you're overthinking this. Just pass along the phone numbers / e-mail addresses and let it happen. It will all work out.

aragx6

She definitely shouldn't feel obligated to do that if it makes her uncomfortable.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-contacting-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cb1355d9-b29d-4093-9448-05afa6bc52ccPost:5a27aafe-665b-4c2a-aa2f-c9b6b9bf4dfa">Re: MOB contacting MOG?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOB contacting MOG? : Nah, you don't have to worry about it.  There's no rule that says they have to meet now that you're engaged or that they have to be friends or anything.  If your parents or his parents host an engagement party, that would be the time to do it but since they live so far away from each other, even that probably won't be practical.  It's okay if they don't meet until the wedding or some pre-wedding event.  No big deal.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]


Ditto this.

I think it's sweet that you're trying to keep in mind your mother's shy demeanor as I'm sure neither one of you would want to break any etiquette rules.  But there's nothing wrong with your mom giving his mom a call, or vice versa.  I hope they get along!  Your mom sounds like a sweet lady.

tenofcups4me

The most old-school etiquette says the groom's mother makes the initial contact with the bride's mother. But that's really obscure and very few people know or follow it anymore. In an ideal world, the couple brings together both sets of parents, but that doesn't sound like it would work for you given the distances.

I think it would be a really nice gesture for your mother to contact the groom's parents if she's comfortable doing that. Since she brought it up, I would assume she is. She could call or even write a letter (how retro!) or email if she's more comfortable doing it in writing.

gynyphurr

Over thinking? Me?  

Thanks all for the advice. I figured they would meet eventually, just didn't want his mom to be insulted before anything even went down. 

Cheers and best wishes to you all in your planning!

Hellokatie0517

Agree with previous posts.  Pass on the number, but I highly recommend a meet and greet.  That might be more comfortable for both.  Some people aren't so talkative on the phone with complete strangers -- even if they have common topics (you, FI, and the wedding) to discuss.  A casual dinner might be the way to go...it is summer...have a small BBQ.

mysticl

If mom is shy maybe e-mail is a good way for her to break the ice

Pirata13

My mom sent a little note to FI's mom when we got engaged. Fi's mom & stepdad lived in GA at the time, we're all in PA, so she sent a note and her email address etc.  Then when FI's mom & SD came to visit, we all went to brunch.

carrieoz_76

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mob-contacting-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cb1355d9-b29d-4093-9448-05afa6bc52ccPost:f626ae59-a1ef-4b3b-af2c-206a2d385edf">Re: MOB contacting MOG?</a>:
[QUOTE]So really, my question was, is there some sort of MOB is in charge of initiating contact etc etc etiquette that I haven't heard of? Or is up to us, Fi and I, to get everyone together?
Posted by gynyphurr[/QUOTE]
There's no etiquette that MOB is supposed to contact MOG that I know of, but it is apparently tradiitional for the MOG to take her cues on what to wear at the wedding from the MOB - they're supposed to coordinate it so that they're dressed with a similar level of formality and they don't clash.  So maybe that's why the MOG asked you?

My FMIL didn't ask to talk to my mom, but she did ask me to let her know what my mom decided to wear to the wedding so she could make sure to coordinate her dress with it.

pooh8402

there is no etiquette whatsoever. the first time our mothers talked to each other was at the bridal shower. they never even called or emailed. I was the go-between until then. meh. I think it's cool that your mom wants to talk to his mom, but she certainly doesn't have to.

Kristin789

CMG is right that the MOG should contact the MOB first.
The groom asks the bride to marry him,
the bride says yes,
the next communication goes from the MOG to the MOB with congrats and an offer to get together.  See below:

Traditionally, yes -- the groom's parents call on the bride's parents after their son tells them he's getting hitched. That means they either drop them a nice note or make a phone call to make plans to get together. Getting together can mean dinner or drinks at their home, dinner and drinks out, a weekend trip to the town where they live, whatever.

Then Tenofcups is right that the MOB communicates with the MOG regarding the formality / length / style of the wedding and of the MOB's dress for the wedding.
See below:

Per general etiquette, the MOB is to buy her wedding-day frock first, and then notify the MOG in a friendly, non-threatening format. The phone call is meant to subtly clue in the MOG to color, length, and overall formality.