Should I tell her?

ring_pop

My BM and another friend of ours really hit it off at our wedding. They live about 1,000 mi apart, so when it was time for everyone to go home, they decided to just keep in touch and see what would happen.

A couple of months ago, I asked her in passing how it was going with him, and she said, "Not so good... we've both been so busy we haven't really had time to talk."

Then I talked to him last week, and he told me that he's now seeing someone else. He and BM haven't talked at all in a couple of months, but he left me with the impression that they just stopped talking, rather than officially "breaking up".

So do I need to tell her? Obviously they both know that it's over, but does she actually need to know that he's seeing someone new? Or at least, does she need to hear it from me?

SwedishChick2011

I wouldn't say anything.  She probably already knows it's over and may even know that he's seeing someone else.  And if she doesn't know that part, does she really need to know?  I don't really think so, honestly.

SwedishChick2011

Also, it sounds like they were never really that official. 

betrothed123

I would stay out of it.  Let them work it out.

ricksang

I'd say something, just in case she has future hopes.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I wouldn't. Then again, if someone I sort of lost touch with in that way was dating someone else, I wouldn't really care/want my friend to tell me, "FYI, so-and-so is dating someone else." Hell, I had a friend tell me when my college boyfriend was dating someone seriously and it stung a bit.

In conclusion, I think it will either hurt her a little or she just really won't care. In either case, you'd be better off not telling her.

ivystar57

I'd probably bring it up casually... like "hey I talked to Brian last week and he mentioned he was seeing someone out in Seattle.  I know you guys aren't really talking anymore. Just thought I would throw it out there..."

ButtonsPepper

The only reason I would tell a friend is if she was upset/thinking about trying to make it work with him...for closure purposes I may mention it. Other then that no.

cmhershey

You shouldn't.  If they haven't been talking, it already sounds like its over. 

squirrly

Nope.  If she seemed upset or distressed, then I'd say yes, but since she seems very "meh" (based on your description), I'd just leave it be.  If she asks, be honest, but otherwise I'd just let it go.

vallyhoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc8f78c0-2b3d-4846-9c18-e401b760f575Post:6be13048-5eaf-4313-9951-d370fa9aa4c1">Re: Should I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd probably bring it up casually... like "hey I talked to Brian last week and he mentioned he was seeing someone out in Seattle.  I know you guys aren't really talking anymore. Just thought I would throw it out there..."
Posted by ivystar57[/QUOTE]

I would probably say this to a reeeeally close girlfriend. Not a casual friend, but since she was your BM I would probably mention it.

georgia_bride09

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. If she were to contact him, he could tell her then.

ivystar57

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc8f78c0-2b3d-4846-9c18-e401b760f575Post:f2a0c5a3-021a-4f57-91be-194bf622de9f">Re: Should I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I tell her? : I would probably say this to a reeeeally close girlfriend. Not a casual friend, but since she was your BM I would probably mention it.
Posted by vallyhoo[/QUOTE]

yup I was actually thinking of what I would say to my MOH.  I figured since she's a BM OP would be pretty close to her.

ring_pop

TBH she's been so busy that even she and I have drifted a little bit. Maybe I'll mention something if the right opportunity presents itself.

SwedishChick2011

I'm surprised that several people think you should tell her (everyone's entitled to their opinion, of course).  I don't really understand what the reason for telling her would be...what would one be trying to accomplish?  Unless she's been pining away for him, wondering what's going on, I don't see the point.  No reason to possibly hurt her feelings.

vallyhoo

But there's also no reason for the friend to think that there is still a possibility of rekindling something with this guy if he has moved on. Just an opportunity for closure.

vallyhoo

Not to mention the fact that they are friends... this isn't out of the realm of things that girlfriends discuss (boyfriends, dating, etc). Plus referring to Ring's OP the last time she spoke with her friend she said they 'hadn't had time to talk' so I would think the friend might appreciate knowing that the guy is dating someone new.

SwedishChick2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc8f78c0-2b3d-4846-9c18-e401b760f575Post:811b648b-0e62-4a7c-a9d1-2dfecc778c47">Re: Should I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]But there's also no reason for the friend to think that there is still a possibility of rekindling something with this guy if he has moved on. Just an opportunity for closure.
Posted by vallyhoo[/QUOTE]
That's a good point too.  But people sometimes get back together after dating other people, so it's not like it would be impossible.  I'm sure it's pretty unlikely though.  The impression I got (which could be totally wrong) is that they weren't really that together in the first place, just sort of together.

SwedishChick2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc8f78c0-2b3d-4846-9c18-e401b760f575Post:7a4869ee-2d8d-4ce4-8a16-3e08c8a1367a">Re: Should I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Not to mention the fact that they are friends... this isn't out of the realm of things that girlfriends discuss (boyfriends, dating, etc). Plus referring to Ring's OP the last time she spoke with her friend she said they 'hadn't had time to talk' so I would think the friend might appreciate knowing that the guy is dating someone new.
Posted by vallyhoo[/QUOTE]
Maybe if the friend had talked to OP really recently about the guy it would be one thing, but it was a couple months ago (and OP brought it up then).  I don't know, she's probably moved on by now.  Who knows what I'd do in a similar situation though.

vallyhoo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-tell-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cc8f78c0-2b3d-4846-9c18-e401b760f575Post:73f56645-f1ae-45ff-9c4d-6dd434c8bf9a">Re: Should I tell her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I tell her? : Maybe if the friend had talked to OP really recently about the guy it would be one thing, but it was a couple months ago (and OP brought it up then). 
Posted by cocoreo3[/QUOTE]

'Tis true. And usually I keep a 10-feet pole between me and the love lives of others... but when it is a really close friend things are different.

SwedishChick2011

Vally, your dog looks a lot like mine, except for those adorable stripes!

vallyhoo

I know! I saw Jack's picture in another thread and can definitely see the resemblance.

MyNameIsNot

I wouldn't bring it up.  I'd be totally honest if she asked me, but it sounds like she's over it and it wasn't really a big deal anyway. 

If you're a close friend, and the mutual connection with that person, I'd think you'd be the one she'd talk to if she was confused or still wanted him. 

brookelynpaisley

I wouldn't say anything unless she brought up "hey, have you heard from so-and-so." Even then, I wouldn't come right out with "yep, he's seeing someone else." Maybe find a way to tactfully mention that he's happy, or something. If they were dating or whatever, it's between them to be on the same page with things.

saschaduran

It sounds like they  were never technically together.  I don't think adults that casually date need an official "break up".  She should already be aware since they have not spoken in a few months and if she still thinks tey are together she may be a little batty.

thesuninherhead

I wouldn't bring it up- if she is interested in reconnecting with him, I'm sure that when she contacts him, he'll let her know the changes in her life.

tenofcups4me

I'd tell her the truth if she asks or if she actively brings him up in conversation, but I can't see the point of just introducing it into the conversation if you're not talking about him.