Invitation +1 question

[Deleted User]

So my FI just got an invitation to an old friends wedding, but just to him, no plus one or anything.  They had said before not many people will be able to bring a date so they could invite more people that they wanted there.  Am I wrong to think that since we are engaged my FI should have gotten a plus one?

Just for a little more information, we have been engaged for quite a while and before that were very serious so it wasn't a mystery to the couple that we were together.  They aren't getting married until the end of July either.

Thanks for any tips because I would hate to make this mistake when I start sending invitiations.

mica178

From an etiquette standpoint, you should have been invited.  You and your FI are most certainly an established couple.  If someone did that to H and me when we were engaged, we'd make sure it wasn't an oversight (was your name at least on the inner envelope?) then decline the invitation if things weren't corrected.  It's not a vindictive thing, H really hates social stuff without me.

mica178

I believe that +1 is a misnomer.  As far as I'm concerned, it exists for single people.  People who are in long-term relationships, engaged or married aren't really +1s, they are the significant other and should always be invited automatically.  The +1 is for truly single people, and it's nice to extend them but not necessary. (Although most recommend giving +1s to the wedding party and to out of town guests or random guests who might not know other people at the wedding.)

Eta: by "long-term relationship" I really mean established.  I wouldn't put a time limit to describe a relationship as established.

[Deleted User]

He did contact the groom and the response was "we want to be able to invite more people that we know."  I was kind of offended by this because while I do not know the couple, it just seemed off to me that they wouldn't include someone's fiance.  My FI is going to send the RSVP card sending regrets. My FI's response was that he didn't want to go to a wedding without me because he would feel like something was missing if I wasn't there.  I honestly cannot imagine not inviting someone's SO or FI to my wedding even if I don't know their date because if they are at the level of being engaged or have been together for a significant amount of time, they should be included on the invitation.

mica178

I'm glad that you feel that way, Jen.  I think if we're celebrating love and marriage at weddings, guests should be allowed to be with their romantic partner too.

Beachy730

Ditto Mica.  I'm glad to hear your FI is declining the invite, and I know H and I would do the same.  I just will never understand the thinking behind splitting up couples on a day about love and being a couple.  

kmmssg

The couple was short sighted and rude.  glad your FI declined.

[Deleted User]

Okay, so now another question arises. They are on our guest list as of right now, and FI wants to take them off. I don't think I have a say because it is his friend, but I don't want him doing it as a vindictive move. Any opinions?  

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitation-1-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccedce06-db26-42f9-93b3-c0773e264233Post:067012d4-202a-4543-afa1-81e063184eed">Re: Invitation +1 question</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, so now another question arises. They are on our guest list as of right now, and FI wants to take them off. I don't think I have a say because it is his friend, but I don't want him doing it as a vindictive move. Any opinions?  
Posted by JenJen2112[/QUOTE]

<div>You're right, it shouldn't be done just to be vindictive.  And as much as I would love to say give them a dose of their own medicine and invite only him, it's not right.  If their friendship changes because of this and he decides down the road to take them off, so be it.  But I wouldn't do anything as of now.  </div>

ShakeUpTampa

Send the invite them, you might find one of them is vindictive and declines even if you invite both just because your FI did not go...I find it rude he still did not extend the invite to you one your FI called.

Allycat11

First of all...super rude on their part to not invite you.  Fi and I would definitely decline if only 1 of us was invited to a wedding. 
I wouldn't remove this couple from your guest list.  The whole "eye for an eye thing".  Also, your wedding is still more than a year away, so relationships change.  Keep them on the list for now in my opinion.

prodigalgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitation-1-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ccedce06-db26-42f9-93b3-c0773e264233Post:1509db70-d818-44c0-b913-536250a78442">Re: Invitation +1 question</a>:
[QUOTE]He did contact the groom and the response was "we want to be able to invite more people that we know."  I was kind of offended by this because while I do not know the couple, it just seemed off to me that they wouldn't include someone's fiance.  My FI is going to send the RSVP card sending regrets. My FI's response was that he didn't want to go to a wedding without me because he would feel like something was missing if I wasn't there.  I honestly cannot imagine not inviting someone's SO or FI to my wedding even if I don't know their date because if they are at the level of being engaged or have been together for a significant amount of time, they should be included on the invitation.
Posted by JenJen2112[/QUOTE]

I'm seriously picking my jaw up off the floor right now.  This is my first time wandering over to Etiquette and I can't believe that any bride would think that this is an acceptable situation.  I've spent SO MUCH time going through FI's guest list (he's been underway - out at sea) and talking to his family to find out NAMES of SOs because I felt it was tacky to just do a +1 for situations like that.  I mean, to not even INVITE them??  Wow.

You guys handled it well.  Kudos.

unplainjane

super rude. especially when your FI asked him about it and his response was that they wanted to invite more people they knew. tacky! being an established couple you definitely should have been invited. when i sent out my invites i invited all significant others even if they were dating and not living together or engaged. and for singles that didn't know anyone else there i put "and guest" so they knew someone else at the wedding besides us. there are some singles that will know other people there so i didn't include the "and guest" for them. but if there was an oversight and one of my guests told me they were in a significant relationship and they would like to bring their spouse there is no way i would respond the way his friend did.

DramaGeek

Everyone else has covered the other couple's major faux pas and rudeness when called on it.  As far as your guest list, you've got a long time until invites need to go out.  Give it 6-9 months, then see where your fi stands.