+1 for teenage cousins?

mklx0

I'm not sure what to do about my 2 teenage cousins (just turned 18 years old, graduating high school next week). I am having a small-ish wedding with close family and friends. These two cousins have a gf & bf, but do I have to invite them? Is there an age where the +1 becomes the norm? I met my fiance and we started dating when I was 19 and he was 18 so I feel like I can't really deny them, but I don't know their bf & gf and really wanted only people that I am very close with at the wedding.

Anyone have any similar experiences or suggestions?

brilibby4

I would invite their significant others in this situation.  Its only two extra people and I'm sure they would appreciate it.  I did the same for my cousins who are about the same age and they really appreciated the option.

lyndausvi

I would give them a +1.

If they were younger I would not.  It was the family standard so no one would have expected it anyway.

andrea2473

Invite their SOs.   I was 19 when my cousin got married and he included my BF at the time.  I knew then that it was really nice of him to do that.   And my BF came, we had a great time and I caught the bouquet  

Summer2011Bride

I would invite their SOs. H and I started dating when I was 18. We had been dating 6 months when it was time for his cousin's wedding and I was not invited with him. It sucked.

Kate61487

at 18 and highschool graduates?  yes, I'd invite their SOs.  If they were like 15 I'd say no, but then they would be on their parents invitations, not receiving their own.

ootmother2

It's really your call if you can afford it.

I think we made a mistake with one teenage cousin who had been dating the same girl for 4 years.  His brother and his other young cousins did not have SOs and including her would have made a problem with them.  Or so we thought then.  Now, I think I was wrong.

btw, they are getting married this fall after ten years of dating/living together.  I have already apologized to her for my iffy judgement at the time

Simply Fated

I'd say yes.
They might be eighteen, but they're adults by law.

Katelyn89

I was 18 when my cousin got married and his future wife said that my now FI and I likely wouldn't be together by the time of the wedding anyway so he was not invited. It caused huge hurt in our family because they let my cousin who is the same age as me bring her baby daddy. They are no longer together and my fiance and I have been together for many years since then. It really hurt when they did this and I forgiven, but I will always remember.

mklx0

I have only met this bf and gf once since neither of them have been dating for very long, and my fiance has never met them. Since we are trying to keep it intimate and only people that we are very close with, we are really torn. If they were people that we saw at every family function, it would be a different story and I wouldn't even be questioning it. My mom wants to make the cut off age 21 for dates. I don't really know where she got this number from thats why I was wondering if there was a common age that you start inviting with dates- I'm the first of my generation to get married in my family so it is all kinda new. But it is great to hear everyone's stories, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. It makes me realize that even if I may not know them very well, it may be a nice gesture and I will have to consider it a little more and talk to my fiance.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-for-teenage-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd44fc9a-e94d-4bc8-8734-3d5a0667bcd8Post:0cb3c8b7-1fe3-4309-b855-943c1be68525">Re: +1 for teenage cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have only met this bf and gf once since neither of them have been dating for very long, and my fiance has never met them. Since we are trying to keep it intimate and only people that we are very close with, we are really torn. If they were people that we saw at every family function, it would be a different story and I wouldn't even be questioning it. My mom wants to make the cut off age 21 for dates. I don't really know where she got this number from thats why I was wondering if there was a common age that you start inviting with dates- I'm the first of my generation to get married in my family so it is all kinda new. But it is great to hear everyone's stories, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. It makes me realize that even if I may not know them very well, it may be a nice gesture and I will have to consider it a little more and talk to my fiance.
Posted by mklx0[/QUOTE]
21 sounds random to me. The only thing special that happens at 21 is that you can legally drink alcohol. Most of us started way before that... no me, though. I was a perfect angel. I might be lying though...

In my circle it's about 18 or outta high school, which ever comes first. Usually it's a clear 18 cut-off so there is no weirdness. And I'm saying that knowing several people who have married their high school sweethearts. Keep in mind, you can start dating a guy at 16 and be with him forever. You can start dating a guy when you're 27 and it lasts 2 years or less. People can even be married for 15 years and divorce. Age is no indication of whether or not a relationship is going to last, so it's best to make the cut-off age something logical, rather than something random, like 21.

This is totally my opinion, though.

montanabounding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-for-teenage-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd44fc9a-e94d-4bc8-8734-3d5a0667bcd8Post:0cb3c8b7-1fe3-4309-b855-943c1be68525">Re: +1 for teenage cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have only met this bf and gf once since neither of them have been dating for very long, and my fiance has never met them.
Posted by mklx0[/QUOTE]

I don't want to say yes or no as to inviting them, but if you consider the parents of your cousins to be trustworthy, you could always ask them if they're friendly with the boyfriend/girlfriend. This could be one of those "just until high school is over" things or the SO could be a regular fixture at the house.

For what it's worth, my sister is 18, just graduated, and she's been dating the same boy since she was 15-16 (I don't recall which). While he isn't invited to events on the same level as my sister is, he does stop by for holidays, he's attended a few family funerals and sat with my sister, etc. My parents know him and would testify that he's familiar around their house.

I hope that that helps, a bit. High school relationships can be a bit tricky and I don't necessarily think that a "flavor of the week" (and I'm not being Judgy McJudgypants, you all know what I mean in general terms) is the same as an actual relationship.

montanabounding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-for-teenage-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd44fc9a-e94d-4bc8-8734-3d5a0667bcd8Post:b232426e-eb6b-4f52-83b9-24fd8d02b926">Re: +1 for teenage cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was 18 when my cousin got married and his future wife said that my now FI and I likely wouldn't be together by the time of the wedding anyway so he was not invited. It caused huge hurt in our family because <strong>they let my cousin who is the same age as me bring her baby daddy.</strong> They are no longer together and my fiance and I have been together for many years since then. It really hurt when they did this and I forgiven, but I will always remember.
Posted by Katelyn89[/QUOTE]

I really don't want to be a jerk and I know that it's different for everybody, but once you have a child with somebody, there really is no turning back. You're stuck with that person for the rest of your life. While it was impolite for your family to not invite your now-FI to a previous wedding (given what you've said), I just want to point out that there is a big honking difference between a SO and a parent (whether through blood or adoption or action). Unfortunately, these days, people who give half the DNA don't always back it up with the action, but -

Even when FI and I weren't married, or even when we were in a ridiculously messy stage relationship-wise, we were still Montana v2.0's parents, and we were a family. Slightly dysfunctional, yes, but a family. That's something I never had with any SO I ever had before FI.

Anyway, I just wanted to draw the distinction as an unmarried parent.

saramcWed75519

My wedding is coming up soon and I have a question pertaining to this subject. My God parents have three boys. One just graduated from high school and has a girlfriend. The other two are in 11th & 10th grades.  They too have girlfriends.  So, from what I gather here, we should send a separate invitation to the 18 year old and the other two boys are invited with the parents?  Will this cause problems since the boys are all so close?

saramcWed75519

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-for-teenage-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd44fc9a-e94d-4bc8-8734-3d5a0667bcd8Post:f43a0c78-92e3-4c45-9740-5d00d6d6f0c8">Re: +1 for teenage cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 for teenage cousins? : Are you saying you'd invite the oldest with his girlfriend and not the other two?  Since they all live together, I would invite them all and send them their own invitations.
Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

Everyone is getting invited. My question is:  Does the 18 year old get to bring his girlfriend and get a separate invite since he's an adult? The other two brothers are a couple of years younger, so do they get added to the parent's invite and therefore, no dates? I was asking due to reading the etiquette posted about how to invite teenage adults. 

DreamCLG7

we made it 21 for bringing a plus one. it was just easier, as i have a lot of teenage cousins between 15-20. i didn't want to worry about a bunch of teenagers i didn't know trying to score free booze (we are having a backyard wedding

claire_9

I had a cousin get married when I was 16 or 17. They let me bring my boyfriend, which was nice and made me feel good.

If you can afford the extra people, then invite them, but if not, I'm sure your cousins will understand when they get there and see that its a small, close family wedding.

Katelyn89

I disagree. She had been dating her baby daddy for the same amount of time as I had been dating FI but just because I choose to wait to have children until I was more stable does not mean I shouldn't be allowed to bring a date.

DreamCLG7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-for-teenage-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd44fc9a-e94d-4bc8-8734-3d5a0667bcd8Post:06412fce-e122-4563-bf80-0641814c7087">Re:1 for teenage cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree. She had been dating her baby daddy for the same amount of time as I had been dating FI but just because I choose to wait to have children until I was more stable does not mean I shouldn't be allowed to bring a date.
Posted by Katelyn89[/QUOTE]

I think you're missing the point. Time doesn't really matter.  Having a kid with someone means that you're tied to that person for life (well, at least 18 yrs) even if that relationship doesn't work out and falls to hell. It's not a dig on you because you didn't get knocked up. it's just that it's a completely different situation than dating your BF.

abbitha7

We didn't add any +1's for cousins, but only one of them was dating someone at the time we sent out invites and she refused to bring him to any family gatherings, so we thought it was appropriate. They ended up breaking up soon after anyway. I would say that it's your call. Does the bf/gf come around to family things?

Katelyn89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-for-teenage-cousins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd44fc9a-e94d-4bc8-8734-3d5a0667bcd8Post:60083a5c-00df-47d9-83eb-675008e0e037">Re:1 for teenage cousins?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:1 for teenage cousins? : I think you're missing the point. Time doesn't really matter.  Having a kid with someone means that you're tied to that person for life (well, at least 18 yrs) even if that relationship doesn't work out and falls to hell. It's not a dig on you because you didn't get knocked up. it's just that it's a completely different situation than dating your BF.
Posted by DreamCLG7[/QUOTE]




And you are missing the point that adults in serious relationships get a plus one regardless of children.