Un-Save the Dates?

Ally9411

So, I know that "Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, but wish you didn't."

But I'm going to ask anyway.... My fiancé insisted on sending Save The Dates, to everyone in his office- which was fine, because we obviously wanted them at our wedding. Key word being "wanted" We sent our STDs around November for our Labor Day weekend wedding... and now he wants to take them back. Long story short- my fiancé has had a lot of issues in the last 3 months with some of the people he works with and now he would rather die than have them at the wedding. But, they already received a STD... I told him that we have to still invite them, and he is fighting tooth and nail to rip up their invites. My dad suggested sending a new magnet telling them that they are free to do anything they want that weekend- which is funny, but obviously not an option.

What do I do? Do I stick by my man and forgo their invites or send them because it's the "right" thing to do??

Please help!

baystateapple

Nope.  You have to send an invitation to the people who got STDs.

If things have gone so far south with FI and his coworkers, maybe they'll decline anyway.

MelissaAnne88

You gotta send them invitations, but if things are that bad, they probably won't come anyway.

aleighk1

Wait a second. You sent your STDs in November of last year for your September wedding of THIS year? IMO, that's way too early. I think you should've waited.

But, to answer your question, no, you can't take back STDs. STD=Invitation. 

lyndausvi

Reason #4959940030 how STD can get people in trouble.  (this is a PSA for other brides).

Personally I would still invite them and hope they decline.  That said, I will pick a breach of etiquette if my husband was insisting on not inviting co-workers.  

jessicabessica

Definitely still invite them.  As PPs said, they may decline if the feelings are mutual.  And don't worry about letting them know that they don't have to save the date anymore--save the dates and invitations don't require anyone's presence.  For all you know, they might already be planning to decline. 

aragx6

I guess I would mostly worry -- more than pissing off the etiquette gods -- that he'll make a bigger mess of things at work than currently exists by not sending invitations to these people.

You'd hate to make it worse. Maybe by sending them invitations it will help all this blow over.

That said, if it's truly that awful and your FI doesn't care about the consequences of not inviting them, I kind of feel as though that's his decision to make -- I mean rather die than invite them sounds pretty serious.

TaffetaDarlingTaffeta

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-save-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd8b6429-2f1b-4daf-adb2-064b5178cd0bPost:7e1a43f3-47f8-45df-8de6-e6d5082eeb0c">Re: Un-Save the Dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I would mostly worry -- more than pissing off the etiquette gods -- that he'll make a bigger mess of things at work than currently exists by not sending invitations to these people. You'd hate to make it worse . Maybe by sending them invitations it will help all this blow over. That said, if it's truly that awful and your FI doesn't care about the consequences of not inviting them, I kind of feel as though that's his decision to make -- I mean rather die than invite them sounds pretty serious.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly!! Not following etiquette is the smaller of issues here. </div>

Ally9411

Well I sent the STD at the end of Nov... which, according to the "etiquette" from this blog, was the appropriate time frame to send it if your wedding was on a holiday weekend.. so yes, that's when they went out.

And thanks everyone... I knew the answer, but I really just needed to have some back-up to present to my fiance.   I just hope you're right and they won't want to come!

I'm an advocate for getting rid of STDs all together!

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-save-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd8b6429-2f1b-4daf-adb2-064b5178cd0bPost:b1c849e4-b5ac-41df-8426-9dc9f235129f">Re: Un-Save the Dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I sent the STD at the end of Nov... which, according to the "etiquette" from this blog, was the appropriate time frame to send it if your wedding was on a holiday weekend.. so yes, that's when they went out. And thanks everyone... I knew the answer, but I really just needed to have some back-up to present to my fiance.    I just hope you're right and they won't want to come! <strong>I'm an advocate for getting rid of STDs all together!
</strong>Posted by Ally9411[/QUOTE]

Then why did you send them at all? They're not required.

mizjodi

Frankly, STDs are a pretty recent invention; now everyone thinks that one MUST have them! I pretty much think of them as a monumental waste of time and money, and can cause so much drama, as so many of the boards on here attest to!

So (yes, I always get on a soapbox about this) anyone is free to eliminate these! The important people already know the date months in advance anyhow!

Ally9411

I know they aren't required... I wanted to send them because we are having a Labor Day Weekend wedding. We opted to send them because we know it's a huge travel weekend, and we wanted people to know ahead of time- prior to the invitations. But, if that wasn't the case- I never would have sent them for reasons just like this.

So, my only suggestion is- if you don't have to send them, save yourself the money and aggravation of a situation like mine.

July2012bride

I think Save the Dates have their place, but do believe that some get themselves into a pickle when sending to EVERYONE on their preliminary guest list.

I'm only sending Save the Dates to family who would be invited no matter what, and OOT guests that I would be VERY sad if they couldn't come to the wedding because I didnt' give enough notice about the final location and have been friends with for years/decades, etc.

All others will get an invitation in the appropriately allocated invitation sending period.

I think STD issues usually arise when: 

1. You send out STD's WAY too early

2. You haven't settled on your final guest list and send out STD's to everyone and their grandmother.

3. You haven't booked a venue, budgeted anything but send out STD's

4. You send STD's to people in which your relationship could easily change with before the wedding (i.e. coworkers who you aren't friends with outside of work, people you just met/have become friends with, people you were once friends with but your relationship is now in limbo/you haven't seen or spoken to eachother in a really long time, or people you have always had a tumultuous relationship with) 

5. You send STD's to people on your "peripheral" list of potential invitees

I may be in the minority, but I truly believe STDs are helpful for those coming from out of town or those that you REALLY want to be at your wedding, but I don't think you need to send them to everyone on your guest list.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-save-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd8b6429-2f1b-4daf-adb2-064b5178cd0bPost:ec38e27f-6d01-4762-9ac1-5d07369ef5b6">Re: Un-Save the Dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think Save the Dates have their place, but do believe that some get themselves into a pickle when sending to EVERYONE on their preliminary guest list. I'm only sending Save the Dates to family who would be invited no matter what, and OOT guests that I would be VERY sad if they couldn't come to the wedding because I didnt' give enough notice about the final location and have been friends with for years/decades, etc. All others will get an invitation in the appropriately allocated invitation sending period. I think STD issues usually arise when:  1. You send out STD's WAY too early 2. You haven't settled on your final guest list and send out STD's to everyone and their grandmother. 3. You haven't booked a venue, budgeted anything but send out STD's 4. You send STD's to people in which your relationship could easily change with before the wedding (i.e. coworkers who you aren't friends with outside of work, people you just met/have become friends with, people you were once friends with but your relationship is now in limbo/you haven't seen or spoken to eachother in a really long time, or people you have always had a tumultuous relationship with)  5. You send STD's to people on your "peripheral" list of potential invitees I may be in the minority, but I truly believe STDs are helpful for those coming from out of town or those that you REALLY want to be at your wedding, but I don't think you need to send them to everyone on your guest list.
Posted by July2012bride[/QUOTE]

I 100% agree with everything here.

I'd just like to say, we've been on the receiving end of a STD not followed by invite. It wasn't upsetting since we weren't planning on going; but we never said anything to them about not going, since our plans could have changed. Since it was so near our own wedding, we were waiting until closer. But the whole point of sending STD is for ppl to make plans, especially if they have to travel. We had to travel....I would have been BEYOND peeved if we'd booked tickets (as it was, H was asking me about it about a month before the weddng (we had the magnet on the fridge) and should we buy tickets. LUCKILY I'd been on TK at that point, and heard about all the STD takesies-backsies that goes on, so I told him, oh let's wait for an invite...which we're still waiting for. And the wedding was in Oct.

tenofcups4me

Etiquette aside, I'd be concerned that uninviting them would make a bad work situation that much worse. But ultimately I think this is your FH's call and if he thinks it's that important, I'd go with what he wants over an etiquette rule (after trying to persuade him it's a really bad idea first!).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think he should find another job ASAP and then he might not have to worry about his current coworkers thinking he's rude.

Ally9411

I don't want to sound like a broken record and I hate to defend myself, but... the fact of the matter was, we had a location, we had a final guest list (we've been engaged for a while), he was very close with his co-workers (which he worked with for 3 years), the reasoning behind the issues don't really matter, but there is an issue, and I obviously over exaggerated that he'd rather die- he just doesn't want these people there on our day.

None the less, the STDs were sent- whether they were to early or not or any other issue anyone listed is not the issue.

Thanks for eveyone's help.

Amynutrition

send invitations with wrong directions...
JK!!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-save-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd8b6429-2f1b-4daf-adb2-064b5178cd0bPost:ec38e27f-6d01-4762-9ac1-5d07369ef5b6">Re: Un-Save the Dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think Save the Dates have their place, but do believe that some get themselves into a pickle when sending to EVERYONE on their preliminary guest list. I'm only sending Save the Dates to family who would be invited no matter what, and OOT guests that I would be VERY sad if they couldn't come to the wedding because I didnt' give enough notice about the final location and have been friends with for years/decades, etc. All others will get an invitation in the appropriately allocated invitation sending period. I think STD issues usually arise when:  1. You send out STD's WAY too early 2. You haven't settled on your final guest list and send out STD's to everyone and their grandmother. 3. You haven't booked a venue, budgeted anything but send out STD's 4. You send STD's to people in which your relationship could easily change with before the wedding (i.e. coworkers who you aren't friends with outside of work, people you just met/have become friends with, people you were once friends with but your relationship is now in limbo/you haven't seen or spoken to eachother in a really long time, or people you have always had a tumultuous relationship with)  5. You send STD's to people on your "peripheral" list of potential invitees I may be in the minority, but I truly believe STDs are helpful for those coming from out of town or those that you REALLY want to be at your wedding, but I don't think you need to send them to everyone on your guest list.
Posted by July2012bride[/QUOTE]

I agree and I did the same. Our guest list wasn't huge to begin with, but we only sent STDs to family and OOT guests (of which we had a decent amount of our list). A lot of people think if one person gets an STD and someone else doesn't, the person who didn't will find out and be hurt. But if that person gets an invitation, I'm sure the "hurt" will pass, and it's better than being in a situation where you can't invite everyone you promised to.

Ally9411

That's the best answer yet! haha
Everyone is sooo serious! lol

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-save-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd8b6429-2f1b-4daf-adb2-064b5178cd0bPost:1076c201-3009-4347-8c43-9b6e41b1e24f">Re: Un-Save the Dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think he should find another job ASAP and then he might not have to worry about his current coworkers thinking he's rude.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

If he stays in the same industry or profession, I don't think that's a good plan.  You never know when he could be working with these people again or have some connection to them come up where he would regret burning bridges. 

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_un-save-dates?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cd8b6429-2f1b-4daf-adb2-064b5178cd0bPost:809c289e-c982-4d67-875c-773b0413cc77">Re: Un-Save the Dates?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's the best answer yet! haha <strong>Everyone is sooo serious! </strong>lol
Posted by Ally9411[/QUOTE]

Well, we all figured that this was a serious question.  If you just wanted to vent about it or joke about what COULD be done if you weren't worrying about a breach of etiquette, you could have worded that in your OP.

LuluP82

OP also-- I understand you sent the STD because it's a holiday weekend. Recent drama aside, what if these coworkers passed up on travel plans, etc to attend your wedding? it'd be extra rude to  not invite them since it's a holiday, IMO.

audreyjem

I'm not an expert on etiquette, and PPs are all right that STDs are basically the equivalent to invitations, but I would like to add that inviting guests that you don't want to come (or hope won't come) is also a no-no.
 
IMO, this is a toss up between the lesser of two evils.

SilverLining1

I'd just like to add that if they don't decline the invitation, they'll probably go pretty much unnoticed throughout the wedding. Etiquette dictates that they receive invites, but there are, of course, other factors to consider. Just like PPs, I would be most worried about how not inviting them could affect his work life. It doesn't seem like it would be worth it to me.

susie829

i get why you sent out STD's so early. my FH and i are getting married 2 days before christmas and we already sent out STD's to give people a heads up. i think you still should send the invitation. it would be rude not to and if the feelings at work are mutual, they probably won't want to come. if they do, you can always put them at a table very far away from you guys.