How to back out of a destination wedding?

dieselsmomma

I just need some advice, I feel awful.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid in a destination wedding last February which is taking place in March. Of course I was excited and said yes. DH is a groomsman as well.

The bride never confirmed where we were going until a couple of months ago (maybe 10 weeks tops), but then changed to a more expensive resort. Actually the dresses were already ordered around 3 weeks prior to us having the information that we needed to book (which I got around 2 weeks ago). The problem? We simply can't afford it.

Did I say how awful I feel? There is no way we can swing it. Going to a cheaper location and going there for the day just doesn't work either. How do we tell them we can't go? I guess I feel bad because her MOH isn't going (too expensive), a groomsman maybe be MIA, and I have the feeling another bridesmaid may not be going as well. That just leaves her sister.

Is time of the essence here? We've made it clear that we thought it was very expensive and we couldn't book until we found a better deal, so this isn't coming out of no where for them. Should I offer to pay for the bridemaid dress that she has ordered? They are OOT from us so I can't see them until next weekend and I really don't want to tell them over the phone.

Thanks for your advice.

stellaella

Aww, I understand you feel awful, but it's not your fault.  It must be upsetting to realize you can't make a dear friend's wedding. 

Unfortunately for your friend however, a downside of having a DW is the possibility that some or many guests will not be able to attend.

If your friend is sensible, reasonable and normal, I'm sure she'll completely understand without allowing it to negatively affect your friendship.

Tell your friend ASAP. 

Good luck. 

tidetravel

That's the risk that people take when they choose DW weddings.  Just be straight with her, "Friend, I'm sorry.  We would love support you at your wedding, but it's just not possible right now.  I hope you have a beautiful day, and we'll be thinking of you."
Also,  I think it's ridiculous that she had you order dresses so far out.

ETA:  I wouldn't pay for the dress.  There's no reason that it needed to be ordered before they even chose a venue.

rjtutter

I agree with PP.  You need to tell her the honest truth (that you want to be there but can't afford it) ASAP.  It's not your fault they planned an expensive DW that no one can afford.

tidetravel

I would also call and let them know your situation.  Don't feel guilty.  That's the chance you take when you ask people to travel for your wedding - some people won't be able to.  And, I reiterate that it was ridiculous that the BM dresses were ordered before final details about date/location were nailed down.  IMO, that cost should be eaten by the bride. 

squirrly

Did you talk with her about your max budget before she chose a resort?  Did she ask?  Unless you said, "We can spend X," and she's within that budget, I kind of think it's on her for picking such a pricey place.  Is she at all open to selecting someplace more affordable?  Maybe she's just not realized how tough this is, price-wise. 

As for the BM dress. . . honestly, why did she pick and order dresses before selecting the venue?  If you want to offer to pay for the dress I think that's nice, but I don't think it's required. 

squirrly

I'd call and talk to her about it ASAP.  She might still decide to switch venues, if she can, to something more affordable. 

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_back-out-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cea9c4eb-5d1c-457b-bbd8-fde5a664a68ePost:b5c1b915-c294-433f-9ed4-f5cb28002e72">Re: How to back out of a destination wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd call and talk to her about it ASAP.  She might still decide to switch venues, if she can, to something more affordable. 
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]
I agree with mama squirrly. You need to tell her asap and she might change her mind.

bdulli13

I think it's ridiculous she asked you all to be in the wedding before she even knew where she was having it. You were basically never given the opportunity to say it was too expensive before she rushed into all the details like dresses, etc. I am having a DW because my grandmother is too old to travel up north. This was decided with the blessing of the people we chose to be our WP. We made this decision with the knowledge that people's finances change, and between the time we asked and the day of our wedding, it is entirely possible that they may not be there. It would be the same even if they were traveling here for us to have a hometown wedding (most are not local). It is not your fault that she has made impulsive decisions in an order that doesn't really suit anyone. Just explain to her that you love her, and are sorry you can't be there, and wish her the best. You're not to blame!

sister2groom

You need to tell her immediately. If she gets enough people backing out she might want to change the venue.

How much is the dress? I might offer to pay for at least part of it. It was her fault for not checking with you, but personally I wouldn't accept being a BM in a DW wedding until I was sure I could afford to go.

zantster

It sounds like she was so wrapped up in deadlines that she caved in to thinking she needed to order the dresses by a certain date to make sure they would be finished in time.  But she should have communicated the deadlines to all of you and confirmed that you could make it before actually ordering. 

But I know how when you're doing the planning yourself sometimes you can unintentionally do things a**-backwards.  That being said, if you can afford to I would reimburse her for the dress out of charitable sympathy not obligation.  I would put the reimbursement check in a card with a little note about how you wish you could be there and you hope she has the happiest day of her life or some such sentiment. 

Then get her one of the less expensive gifts off her registry.  Or do it the opposite way and don't reimburse the dress but get her a more expensive gift off the registry up to what you can afford.  Again this would not be out of obligation but out of sympathy because you truly care about her as a friend.

dieselsmomma

Thanks for everything ladies. She never gave us a dollar amount for the wedding until later (July?Aug?), but the decided to go to the more expensive hotel in the "chain" of hotels. Unfortunately we can't stay somewhere cheaper and go there for the day, I wish we could! But even the cheaper hotel was at our max amount, which was ok.

The dress is only $100, so I think I will offer to pay for it. I doubt they'd change their plans seeing as how they've already put down a deposit and some family has paid.

I told my husband that we should tell them asap and he decided that we really need to tell them in person. So we are going to drive out to their town for dinner and tell them that we can't come on Saturday.

tenofcups4me

Why can't you stay someplace else and go to the resort where the wedding is for the day? (I know you said you can't, but I can't think of any possible reason why not.)

bdulli13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_back-out-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cea9c4eb-5d1c-457b-bbd8-fde5a664a68ePost:aa2efae4-95a8-4b61-bef9-2b1d52d2b627">Re: How to back out of a destination wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why can't you stay someplace else and go to the resort where the wedding is for the day? (I know you said you can't, but I can't think of any possible reason why not.)
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

The possible reason why not is because she can't afford it.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_back-out-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cea9c4eb-5d1c-457b-bbd8-fde5a664a68ePost:39588b61-f634-47df-9ed0-9e847a44df37">Re: How to back out of a destination wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to back out of a destination wedding? : The possible reason why not is because she can't afford it.
Posted by bdulli13[/QUOTE]

She said she could. She's totally entitled to not go if it's too expensive (or even if she just doesn't want to), but she keeps saying she can't stay at another resort and I'm curious why since that seems like a pretty simple solution if she really does want to go.

mica178

Some of the all-inclusive resorts do not allow outside guests or charge very high daily rates for visitors.  Perhaps that's an option -- if you stayed at a cheaper resort and the bride paid for your daily visitor pass at her resort?