Wedding Etiquette Forum

End friendship over wedding???

I am having an issue with a good friend of mine- or ex-friend I guess I should say. She ended our friendship because I told her I probably wasn't going to attend the reception at her wedding. She planned a last-minute wedding on my birthday and told me that she would understand if I couldn't make it. I actually thought I would be asked to be in the bridal party since we have been very good friends for 10+ years. But she told me she was only having a maid of honor, and that if she did have a full bridal party, of course I would be in it. Come to find out, she was having bridesmaids and tried to conceal it from me until I found out on facebook, of course. I was hurt, but got over it. However I decided that I wasn't sure if I would attend the reception mainly because I didn't have a date and didn't feel comfortable spending my birthday alone at someone else's wedding, though I planned to attend the cermony to witness the nuptials. She went absolutely crazy and ended our friendship immediately. I didn't think it would be that upsetting to her since she already told me she would understand, and I wasn't that great of a friend I guess since she lied to me about having a bridal party. I feel bad that our friendship has ended, but I don't know what else I can say. I apologized for hurting her feelings (although she never apologized to me for hurting mine) but she can't get past it. I'm wondering where the anger is coming from and if there is more to this story... Any input would be appreciated.
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Re: End friendship over wedding???

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:c6d9b387-64e5-418e-8df5-8fe4bdbd3e4d">End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am having an issue with a good friend of mine- or ex-friend I guess I should say. She ended our friendship because I told her I probably wasn't going to attend the reception at her wedding. She planned a last-minute wedding on my birthday and told me that she would understand if I couldn't make it. I actually thought I would be asked to be in the bridal party since we have been very good friends for 10+ years. But she told me she was only having a maid of honor, and that if she did have a full bridal party, of course I would be in it. Come to find out, she was having bridesmaids and tried to conceal it from me until I found out on facebook, of course. I was hurt, but got over it. However I decided that I wasn't sure if I would attend the reception mainly because I didn't have a date and didn't feel comfortable spending my birthday alone at someone else's wedding, though I planned to attend the cermony to witness the nuptials. She went absolutely crazy and ended our friendship immediately. I didn't think it would be that upsetting to her since she already told me she would understand, and I wasn't that great of a friend I guess since she lied to me about having a bridal party. I feel bad that our friendship has ended, but I don't know what else I can say. I apologized for hurting her feelings (although she never apologized to me for hurting mine) but she can't get past it. I'm wondering where the anger is coming from and if there is more to this story... Any input would be appreciated.
    Posted by CLEKO[/QUOTE]
    Well... Unless it's your 16th, 18th, or 21st birthday, you really need to get over that "but its my BIRTHDAY" thing. <div>Outside that, it would've been nice for her to offer you a plus one, because sitting at a reception where I don't know anyone isn't my idea of fun, birthday or no.</div><div>There's no way for US to tell you if there is more to this story, sounds like you need to have a serious friendship talk and find out whats going on.</div>
  • It sounds like there might be more to the story, but of course we wouldn't know that.

    It's pretty petty that you would skip the reception just because it's your birthday. If this is your good friend, as you say, I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't know anyone else at the reception.

    All I can say is, you are probably both at fault.
  • Arayx2Arayx2 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:5dbe09dc-5cda-4b98-9157-b6537191f4b7">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds like there might be more to the story, but of course we wouldn't know that. It's pretty petty that you would skip the reception just because it's your birthday. If this is your good friend, as you say,<strong> I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't know anyone else at the reception.</strong> <strong>All I can say is, you are probably both at fault.
    </strong>Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    this. I think that it was very mature of you to apologize for hurting her feelings but expecting her to apologize is probably not going to happen when she lied to you to begin with about the wedding party. It seems like there is a little " tit for tat" going on. Suck it up and go or just let it go for a while and contact her after the wedding to mend fences.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:04028bd0-a254-4df8-9e1b-d2f734680eb5">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to End friendship over wedding??? : <strong>Well... Unless it's your 16th, 18th, or 21st birthday, you really need to get over that "but its my BIRTHDAY" thing. </strong>Outside that, it would've been nice for her to offer you a plus one, because sitting at a reception where I don't know anyone isn't my idea of fun, birthday or no. There's no way for US to tell you if there is more to this story, sounds like you need to have a serious friendship talk and find out whats going on.
    Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

    I don't agree with this mainly because she wasn't invited with a plus one. Who wants to sit at anyone's anything alone on their birthday? Not me.

    I would not push the issue. If she has done all of the things that you say she has, it doesn't seem like she is interested in your friendship.

    I'm sorry you lost your friend.
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  • bltatabltata member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    No offense, but it feels like there might be a little bit of immaturity on both sides of the argument here.

    I would ask to meet her for coffee and talk out your concerns.  Explain your position maybe, but if you are her friend I personally wouldn't understand why you wouldn't want to see her get married.  I just think it sounds a little bit like both sides throwing tantrums.
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  • Do I think it's weird that you would skip a good friend's wedding reception just because it's your birthday? Yes. Unless you knew literally no one else at the wedding, in which case she should have invited you with a guest, but as PP said I'm assuming that you're going to share some mutual friends with this girl.

    Does that excuse her behavior? No. I would have been really hurt if someone skipped my reception because it was her birthday, and I might honestly have reevaluated my friendship with that person, but I wouldn't have hidden the BP or yelled at you. Have you flat out asked her why she's done both of those things?
  • I'm sure she didn't tell you about the bridal party because she didn't want to hurt your feelings.  I have several good friends who were not in my bridal party--I wasn't going to have 10 BMs. 

    Would you go to the reception if it wasn't your birthday?  I think a birthday is a lame excuse, unless like PP said, it is a significant birthday.

    If you want to salvage the friendship, try talking to her.  It sounds like both of you are overreacting a bit.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:8fdcb81e-138e-4e23-acca-2a7b25dcf8ca">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: End friendship over wedding??? : I don't agree with this mainly because she wasn't invited with a plus one. Who wants to sit at anyone's anything alone on their birthday? Not me. I would not push the issue. If she has done all of the things that you say she has, it doesn't seem like she is interested in your friendship. I'm sorry you lost your friend.
    Posted by scottswife1106[/QUOTE]

    If I were single, I'd actually be pretty stoked to go to a wedding with friends on my birthday. It'd be a better party than whatever I would have planned otherwise! I wouldn't need a date of some guy I wasn't in a relationship with if I had a group of friends there to hang out with.

    I think the key info missing here is how many friends OP was going to have at this wedding.
  • CLEKOCLEKO member
    First Comment
    Thanks for the input so far... I did tell her I would be there to see her get married, which I thought was the most important part and didn't want to miss that. However I figured the reception part is kind of just a party and I wouldn't really know many people there that well, and being it my birthday didn't want to be there alone. I have tried to apologize but she just keeps telling me I'm childish-although she won't answer the phone when I call her to explain- she just texts me that she doesn't want to talk to me right now.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:8fdcb81e-138e-4e23-acca-2a7b25dcf8ca">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: End friendship over wedding??? : I don't agree with this mainly because she wasn't invited with a plus one. Who wants to sit at anyone's anything alone on their birthday? Not me. IPosted by scottswife1106[/QUOTE]

    Where do you get this from?  OP said she didn't HAVE a date - not that she wasn't invited with a date. 
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  • I think there is blame on both side on this.

    Not attending because it's your birthday?  Really?  If you were in the wedding you would have attended right?  It seems to me you are using your birthday as an excuse.

    (I've attended wedding alone before.  Not the best time, buy my friendship was more important.)


    Her behavior has not been stellar either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I just feel that if it was the wedding of a friend who I felt close enough to that I wanted to be in the bridal party, I would go to the reception.  If this was a random coworker or something, I wouldn't have an issue with you not going to the reception.

    Do you have a +1 or do you just not have anyone to invite as your +1?  It is unclear.
  • Again with the birthdays!  Blows my mind, I'm tellin' ya.
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  • CLEKOCLEKO member
    First Comment

    Let me update: Andy is right, I could bring a +1... however I had not yet heard back from a friend of mine who I had asked to go with me. I planned to RSVP when I heard back from him- the bride texted me a week before the RSVP deadline telling me I am the only one they are waiting on to RSVP and she wanted to tell the caterer the final numbers now, so I said I wasn't sure at that point if I would be at the reception. I actually thought I was being considerate because I just didn't want to say yes to avoid drama and make them pay for two place settings that wouldn't be used, but I didn't want to say no in case I did end up going. Anyway, that's when all hell broke loose because she was apparently offended that I was considering not attending the reception.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:2c2a8e95-fbc7-4360-9d7d-df586be63d7d">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Again with the birthdays!  Blows my mind, I'm tellin' ya.
    Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm right there with you.</div><div>
    </div><div>In my world a reception means great food, open bar and music.  What a suck-y way to spend a birthday I tell you.</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • It sounds to me like you are both in the wrong and you should sit down and talk to her if you want to salvage the friendship.
    Yes, she should not of lied about the bridal party. I'm guessing she just didn't want to hurt your feelings but lying wasn't right.
    But skipping her reception because you don't have a date and it's your birthday?  I'd be annoyed with a friend who did that too.  I mean, you say your such close friends you expected to be in her bridal party, then why would you want to skip her reception?  you'd of gone without a date on your brithday if you were a bridesmaid no? 
    sounds like neither side is really completely right here and I think the only thing to do is give her some space and maybe take your own to reevaluate a bit and then sit down and talk to her.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:71086710-c8e4-4b5f-9b01-9db36c55140a">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just feel that if it was the wedding of a friend who I felt close enough to that I wanted to be in the bridal party, I would go to the reception.  If this was a random coworker or something, I wouldn't have an issue with you not going to the reception. Do you have a +1 or do you just not have anyone to invite as your +1?  It is unclear.
    Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

    <div>EXACTLY.</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:eaebb50c-1fd4-4f6c-92e4-ab3b74b95c86">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Personally, I would be upset if a close friend of mine said they were skipping my reception because they didn't have a date. I know that the ceremony is the important part. But if I invited you, it's because I want you there for the whole thing. Do I think she may be taking it too far? Yes. But I can understand why she is upset.
    Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]
    this too.
  • Ok, if you had a plus one, and your still ditching her wedding, then that's on you. Why not just go, eat, watch the main events, and then go home??
  • Arayx2Arayx2 member
    Third Anniversary 100 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:2c2a8e95-fbc7-4360-9d7d-df586be63d7d">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Again with the birthdays!  Blows my mind, I'm tellin' ya.
    </strong>Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. I stopped celebrating birthdays after my 21st. I cannot understand why someone's birthday cannot be shared with a wedding. My plans are usually a dinner and if you go to a wedding - you get it free. Sounds like a win/win to me!!
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:4f1ee5ea-717e-4ea9-aef3-d88ba227fe51">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let me update: Andy is right, I could bring a +1... however I had not yet heard back from a friend of mine who I had asked to go with me. I planned to RSVP when I heard back from him- the bride texted me a week before the RSVP deadline telling me I am the only one they are waiting on to RSVP and she wanted to tell the caterer the final numbers now, so I said I wasn't sure at that point if I would be at the reception. I actually thought I was being considerate because I just didn't want to say yes to avoid drama and make them pay for two place settings that wouldn't be used, but I didn't want to say no in case I did end up going. Anyway, that's when all hell broke loose because she was apparently offended that I was considering not attending the reception.
    Posted by CLEKO[/QUOTE]

    Ok, this is extra lame. Surely in the entire world you have more friends than this one guy and the bride, so if he couldn't go you could have found someone else to go with you, no? I would have made that effort for a good friend's wedding.

    Although again, she's in the wrong for harassing you about your RSVP before the deadline.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:4f1ee5ea-717e-4ea9-aef3-d88ba227fe51">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Let me update: Andy is right, I could bring a +1... however I had not yet heard back from a friend of mine who I had asked to go with me. I planned to RSVP when I heard back from him- the bride texted me a week before the RSVP deadline telling me I am the only one they are waiting on to RSVP and she wanted to tell the caterer the final numbers now, so I said I wasn't sure at that point if I would be at the reception. I actually thought I was being considerate because I just didn't want to say yes to avoid drama and make them pay for two place settings that wouldn't be used, but I didn't want to say no in case I did end up going. Anyway, that's when all hell broke loose because she was apparently offended that I was considering not attending the reception.
    Posted by CLEKO[/QUOTE]

    Have you explained your reasoning to her?  Don't get me wrong, she's still way overreacting at ending the friendship over something like that, but I could see where she might be a little hurt at just the "I might not come to the reception" statement without knowing your though process behind it.  It could have come off to her as you pouting because you weren't selected for the BP.  Just saying...

    I think you need to talk to her and let her know exactly what you told us about not being sure on your date situation.  You can also let her know that you were really hurt to by her lying to you about the WP.  If she hadn't planned on asking you, that's fine, but she shouldn't have lied about it.
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  • CLEKOCLEKO member
    First Comment
    If my friends would be at the wedding, I would totally go. But I really only know her and the groom and have only met their other friends (all couples) once or twice.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:95a1ee9d-f74c-49de-a0c8-255e4ae8fe95">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]If my friends would be at the wedding, I would totally go. But I really only know her and the groom and have only met their other friends (all couples) once or twice.
    Posted by CLEKO[/QUOTE]
    Then why don't you invite a friend? You can't possibly only have 1 person to invite?
  • I kind of agree with lyndausvi and some of the other PPs.  I kind of wonder if it's less about your birthday and more about feeling hurt about not being a BM and how your friend handled it.  I wonder if that part of it was ever addressed prior to this situation.  Not that you were "owed" a spot in the WP, but that she felt the need to say that you would've been a BM if she were having them, when she really was and simply didn't want to include you. 

    Did you ask her for a position in the WP in the first place and put her on the spot, or did she just feel the need to BS you on her own volition?  If you asked her to begin with, you were in the wrong, though she could have just told the truth.  If not, she was wrong for that and shouldn't have mentioned.it at all if she wasn't going to include you. 

    It's understandable to be hurt and you have a right to your feelings, but I think that if you weren't going to address it anyway, you really should have let it go.

    I kind of think that unless it's a milestone birthday (like 21, 30, 40) and elaborate plans were already made for your birthday, it's a little passive-aggressive to skip out on the reception as the birthday thing is a weak excuse.  Sorry.  If you were in the WP, then would you have skipped the reception if you didn't have a date and it was on your birthday?

    I'm a veteran at being alone at weddings (I was single for nine years before meeting FI), and it's not fun, I know.  But I went because I was happy for the couple.  Why couldn't you have stopped by, mingled a litte, eaten dinner and cake, said hi to the B and G, and left early?  You would've still had the rest of the evening to celebrate your birthday.  But again, I don't think it's about your birthday at all.

    That said, I think that her ending the friendship is overreacting a bit.  But I also wonder, considering the sequence of events, if she doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her, and she is using this as an excuse to end the friendship. 

    If I were you, I would leave her alone and take her at her word.  It's good to work on friendships, but I don't think you need to beg someone to be your friend either.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:95a1ee9d-f74c-49de-a0c8-255e4ae8fe95">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]If my friends would be at the wedding, I would totally go. But I really only know her and the groom and have only met their other friends (all couples) once or twice.
    Posted by CLEKO[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm sorry it's still lame IMO. </div><div>
    </div><div>Again, her role in this is also.</div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • What are you honestly going to do on your bday night instead of the reception?  Think about it this way - free food and drink. ;-)
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  • CLEKOCLEKO member
    First Comment

    I didn't realize that it would be so hurtful to her, or else I would have just gone. But she said she would understand if I didn't go, which made me feel she was indifferemt to whether I went or not. After she told me how hurt she was, I felt bad, because there was really no indication that it would be that hurtful to her. Maybe I just have a different perspective, as my important events are usually overshadowed by other things and I've just gotten used to the fact that other people have stuff going on and to not take it personally. I've never had a wedding, so I guess that's a litle different, but once I realized the effect it had on her, I apologized to her. She refused to accept the apology and told me I was uninvited to the wedding.
    If I was in the WP, of course I would have gone, but I would have been busy with WP stuff that I wouldn't really need a date. Maybe it wsa wrong to tell her that, but I don't think it was anything to end a friendship over. I tried to explain my reasoning, but she won't hear it.  IMO, if I was that good of a friend she wouldn't be so willing to toss our friendship out.

  • Whatever, people choose not to attend weddings for lots of reasons. Maybe there's a sports game on TV they can't miss. Their choice. Invitations are optional, no one is being forced to come to the reception.

    Did you ask her about the WP or did she volunteer that information? If you had asked her, I can see how maybe she tried to make up an excuse and that's how she got caught in the lie. Which sucks, but it's a little more understandable if she was put on the spot.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_end-friendship-over-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cf7c4801-3609-48ca-a8e0-72e87ae6e72dPost:d3c0612a-31b6-4f38-8fc8-7ef9566c3edd">Re: End friendship over wedding???</a>:
    [QUOTE]I kind of agree with lyndausvi and some of the other PPs.  I kind of wonder if it's less about your birthday and more about feeling hurt about not being a BM and how your friend handled it.  I wonder if that part of it was ever addressed prior to this situation.  Not that you were "owed" a spot in the WP, but that she felt the need to say that you would've been a BM if she were having them, when she really was and simply didn't want to include you.  Did you ask her for a position in the WP in the first place and put her on the spot, or did she just feel the need to BS you on her own volition?  If you asked her to begin with, you were in the wrong, though she could have just told the truth.  If not, she was wrong for that and shouldn't have mentioned.it at all if she wasn't going to include you.  It's understandable to be hurt and you have a right to your feelings, but I think that if you weren't going to address it anyway, you really should have let it go. I kind of think that unless it's a milestone birthday (like 21, 30, 40) and elaborate plans were already made for your birthday, it's a little passive-aggressive to skip out on the reception as the birthday thing is a weak excuse.  Sorry.  If you were in the WP, then would you have skipped the reception if you didn't have a date and it was on your birthday? I'm a veteran at being alone at weddings (I was single for nine years before meeting FI), and it's not fun, I know.  But I went because I was happy for the couple.  Why couldn't you have stopped by, mingled a litte, eaten dinner and cake, said hi to the B and G, and left early?  You would've still had the rest of the evening to celebrate your birthday.  But again, I don't think it's about your birthday at all. That said, I think that her ending the friendship is overreacting a bit.  But I also wonder, considering the sequence of events, if she doesn't feel as close to you as you do to her, and she is using this as an excuse to end the friendship.  If I were you, I would leave her alone and take her at her word.  It's good to work on friendships, but I don't think you need to beg someone to be your friend either.
    Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with this.

    </div>
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