Changing a Bridesmaid's job

imsajones

Hi folks! So I need some advice. I have a bridesmaid that I would like to remover from the party BUT include in the ceremony by playing flute in a quartet. I want to make the suggestion gently and I am just wondering if you have any advice how. Before you all tell me how much I suck, let me explain the situation. She and I have only been friends a little while before I got engaged and she kind of hinted in an awkward way one day that she be a bridesmaid. However, we aren't as close as I feel we should be. That's not the real reason though. She is an extremely stressful person and I know that she will make many of my special days frustrating. She gets loud and rude and such. Here's another interesting thing, which is why I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't even consider it, but she kind of mentioned the same idea (though somewhat awkwardly). I said that my man was only going to have 3 groomsmen and that I was trying to figure out what to do in the ceremony with all my ladies, and she said (and quite nicely) "oh, we'll I don't have to be one." I don't think I want her in the party (I have lost sleep over this) but I really want her to participate in a capacity with less power, so to speak. She is a brilliant flautist and I would like her to play (a lot) in my wedding. So now we know the story! There won't be angry feelings, but I don't know how to approach the conversation. Any ideas?

rebarobert2012

If you did not want her in your wedding party, then you should not have asked her to be a bridesmaid.  Period.  Just because she hinted that she wanted to be a bridesmaid doesn't mean you had to ask her.  However, now that you did ask her, you cannot *un-ask* her.  It sucks that she is a "stressful" person, but I'm guessing that you knew that when you asked her, so you are pretty much stuck with her.

You should not ask her to step down from the wedding party.  If she comes to you and says she wants to step down and play the flute instead, that's fine.  But you should not kick her out of the weddng party because to do so would most likely be a friendship-ending move.

Meegles4

I agree with beach, I think no matter what it's awkward. Bring up the idea of playing the flute and see if she latches onto that. Be prepared that she could be interested in playing the flute AND being a bridesmaid or something like that.

myname1234

If it were me, I wouldn't play the flute if I were demoted like that.

You asked her.  You're stuck.  So you might as well make the best of it.   Remember that the only job a BM has is it show up at the wedding on time and in the right dress.  Don't expect her to be at your beck and call for everything, and it's a win-win for the both of you.

PS - you don't need even sides.  Hopefully you can stop stressing about that point

Anysunrise

So, you asked her to be a bridesmaid because she "awkwardly hinted at it once", despite the fact that you obviously don't really care for her, and your solution to that is going to be to tell her "Oops, my bad, but I still want to take advantage of your skills by having you work for nothing in my wedding quartet, because we're still friends enough for THAT."

Sigh. Ditto everyone else.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:ffc135b8-97eb-44f2-bd93-9bb537c0c4be">Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi folks! So I need some advice. I have a bridesmaid that I would like to remover from the party BUT include in the ceremony by playing flute in a quartet. I want to make the suggestion gently and I am just wondering if you have any advice how. Before you all tell me how much I suck, let me explain the situation. <strong>She and I have only been friends a little while before I got engaged and she kind of hinted in an awkward way one day that she be a bridesmaid. However, we aren't as close as I feel we should be. </strong>That's not the real reason though. She is an extremely stressful person and I know that she will make many of my special days frustrating. She gets loud and rude and such. Here's another interesting thing, which is why I'm not a bad person. I wouldn't even consider it, but she kind of mentioned the same idea (though somewhat awkwardly). I said that my man was only going to have 3 groomsmen and that I was trying to figure out what to do in the ceremony with all my ladies, and she said (and quite nicely) "oh, we'll I don't have to be one." I don't think I want her in the party (I have lost sleep over this) but I really want her to participate in a capacity with less power, so to speak. She is a brilliant flautist and I would like her to play (a lot) in my wedding. So now we know the story! There won't be angry feelings, but I don't know how to approach the conversation. Any ideas?
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]
So, then why did you ask her to be a BM in the first place?

I don't think demoting her then asking her to play her flute in the wedding will go over too well.

imsajones

You guys are so funny. You know 3 paragraphs and you get so angry! Anyway, as I actually know her I know that she is hinting at not being a bridesmaid (a lot). I also know that playing flute in a wedding in a musical friendship is almost more of an honor than a bridesmaid. Finally, for clarification, I am not removing her for even sides. If she were there it would actually be better. He has 3, with her I have 7 so two and two can walk down the aisle together. Anyway, go ahead and keep on hating if you want. Thank you to the people who actually gave advice on an advice board.

Snippylynn

Aw, bless your heart. I really enjoyed your post. Especially your poorly disguised justification, your references to not being a bad person, and your self-indulgent whininess.

I particularly enjoyed your last response and the hair-flipping, faux laughter. You are truly a wonderful person. Really.

Snippylynn

OP is one of those people who thinks anyone who naysays her is 'hating' no matter the situation.

redheadfsu

Since you are begging for validation...Do whatever you want it is your wedding, but just know everyone will think you are a huge bitch when you kick her out. If you are ok with offending her and everyone judging you for it, go for it.

imsajones

It's cool, no worries. I just get a kick out of message boards in general. And I do agree about paying her. I think that's totally fair. I just think the negative responses for someone who needs help is interesting. I didn't tell you all of the details, so you don't know the whole big scheme of the problem. To clarify one last time and really plead for some help: she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid to what I can tell. She dropped that hint and has been dropping other pretty big ones. Numbers are not my concern, I have a lot of friends and my man doesn't, whatever. I really want her to participate and I would love her to play flute, something that made us friends in the first place. So, if you don't think I should change the job, please give advice on how to fix the situation for both of us. How do I approach a conversation of "do you want to be a bridesmaid? If not, do you want to play flute?" And I'm sorry, angry was the wrong word. I was just surprised by the excitement at being hurtful to someone who needs help. Any ideas on how to fix this awkward circumstance one way or another, other than telling me how terrible of a person I am. For real, that does no one any good.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:74f6e654-996a-4b22-9092-05632cdb9c70">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]It's cool, no worries. I just get a kick out of message boards in general. And I do agree about paying her. I think that's totally fair. I just think the negative responses for someone who needs help is interesting. I didn't tell you all of the details, so you don't know the whole big scheme of the problem. To clarify one last time and really plead for some help: she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid to what I can tell. <strong>She dropped that hint and has been dropping other pretty big ones.</strong> Numbers are not my concern, I have a lot of friends and my man doesn't, whatever. I really want her to participate and I would love her to play flute, something that made us friends in the first place. So, if you don't think I should change the job, please give advice on how to fix the situation for both of us. How do I approach a conversation of "do you want to be a bridesmaid? If not, do you want to play flute?" And I'm sorry, angry was the wrong word. I was just surprised by the excitement at being hurtful to someone who needs help. Any ideas on how to fix this awkward circumstance one way or another, other than telling me how terrible of a person I am. For real, that does no one any good.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

She also dropped the hint that she wanted to be one.

imsajones

And I put this up knowing people don't like it because I do need help. Even after the other negative feedback, I still need help.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:74f6e654-996a-4b22-9092-05632cdb9c70">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]It's cool, no worries. I just get a kick out of message boards in general. And I do agree about paying her. I think that's totally fair. I just think the negative responses for someone who needs help is interesting. I didn't tell you all of the details, so you don't know the whole big scheme of the problem. To clarify one last time and really plead for some help: she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid to what I can tell. She dropped that hint and has been dropping other pretty big ones. Numbers are not my concern, I have a lot of friends and my man doesn't, whatever. I really want her to participate and I would love her to play flute, something that made us friends in the first place. So, if you don't think I should change the job, please give advice on how to fix the situation for both of us. <strong>How do I approach a conversation of "do you want to be a bridesmaid? </strong>If not, do you want to play flute?" And I'm sorry, angry was the wrong word. I was just surprised by the excitement at being hurtful to someone who needs help. Any ideas on how to fix this awkward circumstance one way or another, other than telling me how terrible of a person I am. For real, that does no one any good.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

She can quit, but you can't ask her to step down.

Next time she says anything about stepping down say, "You keep saying you want to step down. Are you being serious? If so, I understand. But I still want you to be a bridesmaid. It is up to you."

imsajones

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:f7bd2ffe-25ae-4150-bcb2-c50d76a4e65d">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : She also dropped the hint that she wanted to be one.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]



That is why I'm confused that she keeps dropping so many hints. She even said something about not being able to come to my wedding at all (I'm getting married in Montana, $400 ticket away from NY) and I told her I'd help her with the ticket if she needs. She still keeps hinting at not wanting to be one. I don't know... How do I approach the question? In a nice way?

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:317cc39d-fef5-45a8-bb1d-008fa5cc3805">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : That is why I'm confused that she keeps dropping so many hints. She even said something about not being able to come to my wedding at all (I'm getting married in Montana, $400 ticket away from NY) and I told her I'd help her with the ticket if she needs. She still keeps hinting at not wanting to be one. I don't know... How do I approach the question? In a nice way?
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

I'd do what Red suggested and just outright ask her.

imsajones

*question of do you still not want to be one, not do you want to play flute instead

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:90e4570f-a012-4f6a-befc-95a2f6dd623a">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys are so funny. You know 3 paragraphs and you get so angry! Anyway, as I actually know her I know that she is hinting at not being a bridesmaid (a lot). I also know that playing flute in a wedding in a musical friendship is almost more of an honor than a bridesmaid. Finally, for clarification, I am not removing her for even sides. If she were there it would actually be better. He has 3, with her I have 7 so two and two can walk down the aisle together. Anyway, go ahead and keep on hating if you want. Thank you to the people who actually gave advice on an advice board.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

Why the hell did you even ask for advice when you have already decided what you are going to do?

You basically just wasted everyone's time.

Why any bride thinks it is ok to kick out people from their wedding party and aren't bad people for doing so is just crazy.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:317cc39d-fef5-45a8-bb1d-008fa5cc3805">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : That is why I'm confused that she keeps dropping so many hints. She even said something about not being able to come to my wedding at all (I'm getting married in Montana, $400 ticket away from NY) and I told her I'd help her with the ticket if she needs. She still keeps hinting at not wanting to be one. I don't know... How do I approach the question? In a nice way?
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

You don't bring it up. Next time she says something talk it out. Explain you want her in the wedding party, but if it is too expensive you understand.

freebread03

So just tell her that it seems like she isn't wild about being a bridesmaid, which is totally understandable, but would she still like to be involved by playing the flute?

FWIW, nobody was angry, nobody was hating.  You DID come to an etiquette board right?  So why would people give you advice that goes against etiquette? 

imsajones

This is true, I need to grow a pair. So if she still would like to be one, what if she causes chaos later? Not to take her off as a bridesmaid, but how can I let her know she needs to chill out? And thank you all for the help.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:74f6e654-996a-4b22-9092-05632cdb9c70">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE] And I'm sorry, angry was the wrong word. I was just surprised by the excitement at being hurtful to someone who needs help. Any ideas on how to fix this awkward circumstance one way or another, other than telling me how terrible of a person I am. For real, that does no one any good.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]
It doesn't? Huh. How about calling being a bridesmaid a 'job'? What do you think of that? Are you paying them? Are you making them do stuff? Are they signing a contract?

I'm surprised at your sensitivity to the responses, considering that you are attempting to figure out how to do something that is rude and mean.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:3d33f114-6ae7-42af-bb7c-33b7b917f701">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]This is true, I need to grow a pair. So if she still would like to be one, what if she causes chaos later? Not to take her off as a bridesmaid, but how can I let her know she needs to chill out? And thank you all for the help.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

What the hell? <u><strong>She is a bridesmaid until she steps down.
</strong></u>
What kind of chaos...sleeping with the groom? Other than that she is still a bridesmaid. There is no way to to tell her to chill out without being a bitch. Plus what does she need to chill out about? Seriously you need to understand a wedding is one day. Sounds like you need to chill out.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:74f6e654-996a-4b22-9092-05632cdb9c70">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]It's cool, no worries. I just get a kick out of message boards in general. And I do agree about paying her. I think that's totally fair. I just think the negative responses for someone who needs help is interesting. I didn't tell you all of the details, so you don't know the whole big scheme of the problem. To clarify one last time and really plead for some help: <strong>she really doesn't want to be a bridesmaid to what I can tell. She dropped that hint and has been dropping other pretty big ones.</strong> Numbers are not my concern, I have a lot of friends and my man doesn't, whatever. I really want her to participate and I would love her to play flute, something that made us friends in the first place. So, if you don't think I should change the job, please give advice on how to fix the situation for both of us. <strong>How do I approach a conversation of "do you want to be a bridesmaid? If not, do you want to play flute?"</strong> And I'm sorry, angry was the wrong word. I was just surprised by the excitement at being hurtful to someone who needs help. Any ideas on how to fix this awkward circumstance one way or another, other than telling me how terrible of a person I am. For real, that does no one any good.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]
So she was 'begging' you to be a BM and is now hinting that she doesn't want to be a BM?! Huh? That makes no sense.

If you're all set on doing what you're going to do anyway, what was the point of the post in the first place? And for the second bolded part, just come out and ask her like that- I mean, just go for it. From the sounds of it, you guys are having a hard time decoding each other so just come right out and ask her. Hopefully, this BM issue will finally get some clarity.

imsajones

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:01a5835c-f82b-47f4-b5e3-375b3c90c623">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]So just tell her that it seems like she isn't wild about being a bridesmaid, which is totally understandable, but would she still like to be involved by playing the flute? FWIW, nobody was angry, nobody was hating.  You DID come to an etiquette board right?  So why would people give you advice that goes against etiquette? 
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]



I just wasn't expecting people to call me a bitch and look for angry responses. I was hoping for advice, even advice of, "you need to keep her in the party." I just don't like the strong language :/

And she would be super involved playing flute. I think I do just need to talk to her. I appreciate your idea on how to approach the conversation.

imsajones

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:a87d5259-0cf2-405b-858b-6933d0703805">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : What the hell? She is a bridesmaid until she steps down. What kind of chaos...sleeping with the groom? Other than that she is still a bridesmaid. There is no way to to tell her to chill out without being a bitch. Plus what does she need to chill out about? Seriously you need to understand a wedding is one day. Sounds like you need to chill out.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]



Well, I'll just come out with one example of chaos. She definitely asked me to sleep with her about a month after I got engaged. There are other things to, and we resolved that problem, but I can't honestly predict all that will happen.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:f5023a1f-cb21-4afb-bfd4-ac9dfa0861ab">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : I just wasn't expecting people to call me a bitch and look for angry responses. I was hoping for advice, even advice of, "you need to keep her in the party." I just don't like the strong language :/ And she would be super involved playing flute. I think I do just need to talk to her. I appreciate your idea on how to approach the conversation.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

Then just replace Bridezilla for the Bitch. Same thing.

Kicking someone out is a horrible thing and very mean. Harsh language for harsh actions.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:b1adc2b5-d996-4530-a3c1-af3be0bb7db4">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : Well, I'll just come out with one example of chaos. <strong>She definitely asked me to sleep with her about a month after I got engaged.</strong> There are other things to, and we resolved that problem, but I can't honestly predict all that will happen.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]

Was she drunk or kidding? Have you slept with her before? When you said no, did she drop it? How did she react?

imsajones

And you're all right, I approached this post badly. I just hoped a disclaimer would do the opposite. I'm young at message boards. But thank you all who are giving me advice. Your actually helping calm my nerves and come up with ways to keep her in without going crazy. I don't want to remove here, but if she wants to drop, asking her to play flute would be ok, right? I want her there, bridesmaid or no.

mbody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_changing-a-bridesmaids-job?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:cfc826fb-ab59-483e-b0e8-efc952506f6bPost:b1adc2b5-d996-4530-a3c1-af3be0bb7db4">Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Changing a Bridesmaid's job : Well, I'll just come out with one example of chaos. <strong>She definitely asked me to sleep with her about a month after I got engaged.</strong> There are other things to, and we resolved that problem, but I can't honestly predict all that will happen.
Posted by imsajones[/QUOTE]
I just had to pick my jaw up off the floor. So, she hits on you?! Is this someone you actually want involved in the wedding in any way?

OP- here's the thing... You're going to do whatever you're going to do regardless of the advice you receive on the board.

Just come out and have an honest conversation with her about what you both want her role to be at the wedding. Stop speaking in codes and hints because it sounds like you both are way confused.

MyNameIsNot

It sounds like you really don't like this girl.  Why do you want to continue to be friends with her?