Help! How to not invite children?? without seeming rude.

JmeLee2011

My sister's wedding was child free,(I really want mine to be child free also) only flower girl and ring barer, then if you had like teenagers its okay, but we didn't want babies and toddlers running around the dance floor because we have seen too many peoples receptions be ruined by young children.  It caused some drama with my cousin who had just had a baby and was breastfeeding, but she was also pumping for when she was working and such, so we know pumping was an option.  All this drama came out and she skipped the wedding but came to the reception for 20 minutes.  Whatever, we were in her wedding party.  We had so much fun and didn't miss her any. BUT the grooms sister didn't listen to the no babies rule,  this baby started screaming during my sisters ceremony, her sister in law  just ignored it and acted like it wasn't happening, when everyone knows she should have picked her up and carried her out during her screaming fit, just to the back of the church or out in the hall until she quieted down.  At least thats what everyone told my sister that her sister in law should have done that because non of the guest on that side could even hear the wedding, just sad.  

ANY WHO, lol, this is what I'm trying to avoid.  I do not want children taking over our wedding, we are serving adult beverages and having a band.  I really just don't think its anywhere a kid should be hanging out until the we-hours of the night.  We will have a flower girl who is 8 and my two little nephews as ring barres.  That is it as far as kids go and they are both family so they are going to be taken to their babysitters after we cut the cake.  lol  This is only such a huge issue for me and a touchy subject because i do love children & if it wasn't for all the nightmare stories and experiences I have had, they'd be invited.  BUT my real question is how do I invite people without inviting babies or children??  I don't want a lot of people put off and I'm hoping my cousin understands now and that whole family drama doesn't happen again. "Adults only is fairly common right?"

thanks for the advice in advance.  I just don't know how to go about it.  I'm sure there must be a easy way, I just hate offending people, because I do love their kids, just not at my wedding.

aMrsin09

Just address the invites to the people that are invited.  If anyone RSVPs with thek ids, you'll have to call and explain that "while we would loved to have invited sally and jimmy, we had space and finacial limitations.  We would love to get together with you to see sally and jimmy sometime after the wedding.  We hope you'll still be able to attend."  If there is an age cut off, add that in there.

You will get people whoi are upset, but it is still up to them whether or not they attend.

kathrynhabibti

Don't worry, having an adults-only ceremony and reception is not at all rude in and of itself. The key point of etiquette is wording your invites without expressly excluding children, eg. "adults-only reception" or "no children, please". What aMrs wrote is the correct way to address what you want to do. Some people may get upset, but you're not in the wrong for wanting this, and they'll just have to decide for themselves if they'll be attending.

But - and this is just me and one of my little quirks - I'd be hesitant to say that "due to....". Loads of people do so and it's of course fine, but I feel that giving space/financial reasons could open yourself up to an invitee trying to negotiate those points: "But it's just two kids, they'll barely need seats", "They won't eat very much", "We'll pay for their places", etc. Just something to consider, although I think most people will hear "due to" and realize that they can't negotiate them.

palrmt

I'm not having children either and have thought about this as well.  I have seen things like  "Adult Reception to follow" on invitations before and honestly never knew that it was considered rude until I started lurking on the boards here.  I am just going to address the inner envelope to the people in the household who are invited.  I do have a few close family members that have already been told that their child is welcome (its just 2 kids) and I am well aware that this may cause some hard feelings but I have my reasons and really don't care.  Luckily I dont have too many people on my guest list with small children so hopefully everyone understands the whole inner envelope thing.  If someone is either unaware of the etiquette or just too rude to care then I will simply have to call them and let them know that their child isnt welcome.  I have always felt that when you make the decision to have a child you also have to realize that they will not be welcome everywhere that you are invited.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-children-seeming-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d065d606-bab4-45ec-a2f0-55cd613f0baePost:5f08c1e2-1240-4c7e-ab31-bd742b52cdee">Help! How to not invite children?? without seeming rude.</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister's wedding was child free,(I really want mine to be child free also) only flower girl and ring barer, then if you had like teenagers its okay, but we didn't want babies and toddlers running around the dance floor because we have seen too many peoples receptions be ruined by young children.  It caused some drama with my cousin who had just had a baby and was breastfeeding, but she was also pumping for when she was working and such, so we know pumping was an option.  All this drama came out and she skipped the wedding but came to the reception for 20 minutes.  Whatever, we were in her wedding party.  We had so much fun and didn't miss her any. BUT the grooms sister didn't listen to the no babies rule,  this baby started screaming during my sisters ceremony, her sister in law  just ignored it and acted like it wasn't happening, when everyone knows she should have picked her up and carried her out during her screaming fit, just to the back of the church or out in the hall until she quieted down.  At least thats what everyone told my sister that her sister in law should have done that because non of the guest on that side could even hear the wedding, just sad.   ANY WHO, lol, this is what I'm trying to avoid.  I do not want children taking over our wedding, we are serving adult beverages and having a band.  I really just don't think its anywhere a kid should be hanging out until the we-hours of the night.  We will have a flower girl who is 8 and my two little nephews as ring barres.  That is it as far as kids go and they are both family so they are going to be taken to their babysitters after we cut the cake.  lol  This is only such a huge issue for me and a touchy subject because i do love children & if it wasn't for all the nightmare stories and experiences I have had, they'd be invited.  BUT my real question is how do I invite people without inviting babies or children??  I don't want a lot of people put off and I'm hoping my cousin understands now and that whole family drama doesn't happen again. "Adults only is fairly common right?" thanks for the advice in advance.  I just don't know how to go about it.  I'm sure there must be a easy way, I just hate offending people, because I do love their kids, just not at my wedding.
Posted by JmeLee2011[/QUOTE]

Well, the baby wasn't the problem at your sister's wedding. It was the groom's sister for not being smart enough to take the baby out while crying.
Agree with others about addressing.  "Adults only" is rude.

banana468

Ditto PPs.

You can definitely have an adults only wedding by just addressing the invitation to the adults you're inviting.  Don't mention who you are excluding.

And please don't say that it's an evening wedding or because you'll be serving alcohol that you don't want babies and kids there.  I'd roll my eyes at lines like that.  I was around booze from birth and knew well enough not to drink the beverages of adults.

Just be prepared that some people will have to decline.  Chiquitabanana is due 3 months from yesterday (EEK!) and depending on how far away a wedding is from us, I may not be able to pump enough to keep him or her fed while away from us.

And if we can make it without the tiny one, please at least be accommodating to the nursing moms who need a space to pump.  Not pumping is like telling your guests not to use the bathroom.  Eventually you'll leak.

I'd probably roll my eyes if you think a nursing infant will make or break your ceremony when the child doesn't even require a meal but I would come up with a plan the best DH and I could.  And I would totally respect your decision to have the adult wedding without question as long as you didn't say, "But there will be booze there!"

kathrynhabibti

Oh yes. Ditto banana. If you don't want children there, then don't invite them, but please don't make the evening reception/there will be alcohol/it will be too late for children to be up and about excuses. I'd roll my eyes at those too, and I'm sure some of your guests would.

nda_roxybabe

Banana couldn't have said it better (as usual).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

An usher probably should have gently escorted the groom's sister out to the back of the church in the scenario you mentioned.

JmeLee2011

Ahh, thanks so much!! I really just want to avoid all the issues at my sisters wedding.  I LOVE babies and children and can't wait to have my own someday.  My mom suggested I write on the RSVP card in the space where they write their name, in the number slot go ahead and write "2"(or the number of people in the household invited), to let them know how many they will be RSVPing for??  I have been to wedding like that and didn't think it was rude, but I don't know and want to spare feelings.

And as far as the grooms sister goes, we all kept waiting thinking "okay any second she is going to walk out", then never did.  lol

I'll be sure not to add excuses. I have my reasons why I don't want babies/young children there, but I will just address to the people invited on the envelope.

"And if we can make it without the tiny one, please at least be accommodating to the nursing moms who need a space to pump.  Not pumping is like telling your guests not to use the bathroom.  Eventually you'll leak." Banana468

Our cousin was just upset because her children were not invited.  (she is always like that, any chance to put the family in drama-fest lol)  They had over 350 people at the wedding, most had babies/young children and she was the only person out of all of them that had a problem with it. We were going to tell her she could bring her kids just to stop the family drama but if other people would have showed up without kids, then saw her kids it would have been a messy situation.  So they decided they couldn't bend the rules for anyone or they would have to do it for everyone. I didn't word that all the way in the first post, but we never said she couldn't pump. We were trying everything we could to accommodate for her but she wasn't having it.  Just wanted to clarify that. 

[Deleted User]

just invite the adults. it's not rude. your reasons are irrelevant. it doesn't matter whether or not you like kids. i agree with kathryn, don't give people any reasons/justifications, because all that does is give them ways to argue with you.

if anyone's gonna be upset about it, that's their problem.

banana468

Jme, I totally understand the desire for a child-free reception.  Even though I can hope that the wee one is welcome where we go, I understand that it's a choice DH and I made to have children and we're not taking the baby everywhere we go.  I'm going to work and so will DH and the baby will be used to the two of us not being there the entire time.  I just wanted to mention the pumping thing so that you can at least be prepared to say, "Oh if you want to pump I totally understand.  That's available to you at X place."  It's not up to the parents of a newborn though to tell you that the child has to be there although many people do make exceptions for tiny infants.  That's your call.

When it comes to the response cards, I'd write them out rather than state the # of seats reserved.  Reason being  - people may think it's OK to substitute a child if a parent can't attend.  By writing out the response cards so that the guest just checks __accepts or __declines next to his name, you've eliminated the possibility of any "write in guests".

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-invite-children-seeming-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d065d606-bab4-45ec-a2f0-55cd613f0baePost:e3c2a469-7b3b-461f-ae1b-4b10df6d6e56">Re: Help! How to not invite children?? without seeming rude.</a>:
[QUOTE]When it comes to the response cards, I'd write them out rather than state the # of seats reserved.  Reason being  - people may think it's OK to substitute a child if a parent can't attend.  By writing out the response cards so that the guest just checks __accepts or __declines next to his name, you've eliminated the possibility of any "write in guests".
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]
this is excellent advice.

JmeLee2011

Banana468, I love you for telling me that! LOL  I didn't even think of that!  This is why I post on here because you get great advice and opinions outside of my own! I will not be doing that now! Wow, thank you so much!!!

lasalzil

I once saw on here something along the lines of:

"We've reserved 2 seats for you to attend our special day"
__We're Coming
__We won't be able to attend

I'm not exactaly sure of the exact wording, but I really liked this idea!

belgirl

We put "Adult Ceremony and Reception" on the reply card.  No one thought it was rude at all -  and in fact some people were happy about it.  You don't need to give reasons or excuses.  It's your wedding, and if you don't want children, people need to deal with it. 

ladydiy2004

I did the same thing on my reception card, Adult only reception please

JmeLee2011

Thank you for the input, I was just wondering how other people did it for their weddings.