No kids at sort of destination wedding....

jakstr0808

Ok so we live in North East MA as do most of our friends.  We're getting married on the Cape so it's a good 2hr drive to the venue.

So I guess we're technically having a destination wedding because a lot of people will probably get a hotel room the night of the wedding so they can stay and dance and party late into the night and have a blast with the open bar.

My question is what to do about the fact that many of our friends are at that age where they're just starting to have families so a lot have little toddlers or babies.  We're not inviting families because we just don't have the room to invite all of our friends kids.  I don't have kids yet so I'm wondering what others on here would think if they were in the shoes of our guests.  Would it even be possible to come?

I'm definitely thinking of adding links to suggested babysitting services to our wedding website that also has info on where to stay.  Is that enough?  Would people hire a babysitter to watch their kids at home and then just stay til like 10pm or something and drive home?  What do you think?  Impressions? Suggestions?

Knittibell

Where is your venue? I live near Boston but am from the Cape, so we're looking at mostly hotels/inns on the Cape. My plan is to hire some baby sitters, on site for any kids whose parents are coming down and don't have grandparents/family to leave them with for a weekend.

tidetravel

I don't consider 2 hours that much of a drive for a wedding.  You can provide information for babysitting services in the area, if you would like, but I think most parents will be able to figure out who to leave their kids with on their own.  Be prepared for many of them to leave early, however. 

It's generally suggested that breastfeeding babies should be an exception to the "no kids" rule. 

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:5e180a15-08b4-4760-b4bc-ceb0ed479ef7">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]It's generally suggested that breastfeeding babies should be an exception to the "no kids" rule. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
but this suggestion absolutely does not need to be taken.

i appreciate your wording there, tide. lol

Lisa8888

I don't consider 2 hours a destination wedding. I don't see the need in your situation to arrange for any babysitting. Parents of children should take care of that themselves.

"It's generally suggested that breastfeeding babies should be an exception to the "no kids" rule. "

I have never heard of that and I don't think most people would want a bunch of breastfeeding babies at their wedding. Those babies are too young to attend a ceremony and reception. 

Knittibell

I'm assuming that most of the WP will be going down for the weekend, assuming the RD is on the Cape the night before? People can certainly drive back to Boston from the Cape, but if any of the people with kids are going to be there from Friday onward, and have kids, it can be trickier.

MsFarmer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:5e180a15-08b4-4760-b4bc-ceb0ed479ef7">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't consider 2 hours that much of a drive for a wedding.  You can provide information for babysitting services in the area, if you would like, but I think most parents will be able to figure out who to leave their kids with on their own.  Be prepared for many of them to leave early, however.  It's generally suggested that breastfeeding babies should be an exception to the "no kids" rule. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

Were is this stated? Most poeple I know dont want the babies at their wedding crying and disturbing the ceremony . So they decide to have a "No Kid" wedding.

Knittibell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:5fd27fbf-05df-4e24-ae78-157ee9077f44">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding.... : Were is this stated? Most poeple I know dont want the babies at their wedding crying and disturbing the ceremony . So they decide to have a "No Kid" wedding.
Posted by MsFarmer[/QUOTE]


Aaaaand this is about to get good!

tidetravel

MIn Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:5fd27fbf-05df-4e24-ae78-157ee9077f44">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding.... : Were is this stated? Most poeple I know dont want the babies at their wedding crying and disturbing the ceremony . So they decide to have a "No Kid" wedding.
Posted by MsFarmer[/QUOTE]
Many breastfeeding mothers cannot leave their children with a sitter, as would be the case with older children.  Suggesting that she can "just pump" and leave the baby at home is an ignorant suggestion on the part of the person making it, for several reasons.  1)  many women can't pump, period.  2)  unless you have an overactive supply, one cannot pump enough in a pumping session to cover one feeding.  3) if a mother is actively breastfeeding, she would need to either nurse or pump when the baby is supposed to be feeding.  It's much less PC for mom to hook her boobs up to a pump in the middle of a reception than it is to nurse a baby.

 Inviting a mother with an infant under a year and insisting that she leave the baby at home is essentially uninviting her to the ceremony.  Sure, you can hold fast to the "no kids" rule, but new mothers may not be able to attend. 

There are usually two reasons that people site for not inviting babies, and they both tend to be non-issues.
1)  the baby will disrupt the ceremony.  In many cases, it's older children that are more at risk of disrupting a ceremony.  Sure, babies cry, but they also sleep 80% of the day.  If a baby does start to cry, many parents have the sense to remove them from the situation.
2)  other guests will be offended if they see the baby there, but had to make other arrangements for their own kids.  Guests that have children of their own should understand why a breastfeeding infant would be an exception.    

Knittibell

Well said, Tide!

I have no problem with adult only weddings, but really, breastfeeding babies are always the exception, if you want to actually have mom attend.

colsta

Yes, well said Tide.

To be honest, not having any children of my own or being around any young children, I never would have thought of that on my own. I'm glad you brought it up because I wouldn't have known what to do (we're actually having kids at our wedding, but just in case I am ever in another situation like that.)

MsFarmer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:0e3fbdc5-088e-43a1-8fd6-96d4c0c2fe4c">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]MIn Response to Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding.... : Many breastfeeding mothers cannot leave their children with a sitter, as would be the case with older children.  Suggesting that she can "just pump" and leave the baby at home is an ignorant suggestion on the part of the person making it, for several reasons..    
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]
<span style="font-family:Arial;color:#1f1f1f;font-size:9.5pt;">I never suggested some on pumping nor would I.<span>  </span>I have just never know of a <span> </span>no kid wedding were exceptions were made of anyone except the kids serving in the wedding? <span> </span><span> </span></span><span style="font-size:9pt;"></span>

Belle2Be

I disagree that inviting a nursing mother but not her kids is univiting them! I went to 2 occasions, one wedding and one black tie affair while my girls were young and still BFing. The first time we had DF's parents rent a room in the hotel, (the reception was in the hotel) and they watched the girls while I had fun and I just ran upstairs and checked on them whenever and fed the youngest when I felt the need to. The second affair his parents were invited too, but his gram just got a room and watched them.

I've heard of exceptions made for new moms, the bride can make whatever exception she wants to insure the people she wants to attend can do so, it's not a set rule.

Belle2Be

Also want to add, I wouldn't leave my baby and toddler with someone I didn't know, so adding local babysitting services seems unnecessary.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:83cfa1db-4e6f-47da-ba80-b8636c169052">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]really, breastfeeding babies are always the exception
Posted by Knittibell[/QUOTE]
no, they really aren't. if the bride and groom want to make that exception, they may. but there is NO requirement that this exception be made.

everything that tide said about mothers who can't leave their babies is irrelevant. part of opting into parenthood is making sacrifices. and sometimes that means declining invitations to events where babies aren't welcome, if you are unable to leave a baby with a sitter for whatever reason. nobody should ever except that their baby will be invited everywhere they are. that's absurd, presumptuous, and rude.

jakstr0808

Knittibell, we're getting married at Chatham Bars Inn.

Thanks everyone for your input, I'm glad that people actually think 2hrs isn't that far.  I was worried people just wouldn't come, but I really don't mind those that have to leave early if they have kids at home.

Tide, question about the breastfeeding baby thing..... I definitely am not worried about babies crying and ruining the ceremony, it's more about toddlers and older kids needing "seats" and just not having enough room for everyone's kids so I don't mind having the exception for nursing babies.  So should I have included the nursing infant on the invitation envelope?  Also, what if I have a friend who just had her 2nd baby, so her first IS a toddler but the second is nursing.  I assume then I'd have to let both her kids come or is there a nice way to say, of course you can bring audrey (5mos) but can you find a babysitter for evelyn (2yrs)?  I'm also not sure if there's room for strollers in our reception area because we are going to be at the max guest limit, so that might be an issue too. 

If I've already sent out the invites with just parents names on it, what do you suggest?

Thanks!!!

Lisa8888

I think it is ridiculous for people to claim that BFing babies must be invited. What part of no kids don't people comprehend? Babies cry. I don't think most brides would want babies crying during their ceremony or reception. I don't think guests should have to listen to crying babies. There is no way you would be able to prevent babies from crying.

Is the mother suppose to hold this baby for all these hours? There is no where to put little babies. Little babies should be sleeping and not up all night with loud music. And where are these mothers going to BF these babies? Where are these babies going to get diaper changes?

Knittibell

CBI is gorgeous, one of my favorite brunch places! I can definitely see why you'd opt for no kids there- the prices are pretty high, even for a kids meal.

In my case, I am hiring the babysitters of some friends for the night, whether the wedding is on the Cape or in Boston- and am doing so because a huge number of people are traveling from out of state and out of the country and so will likely be here for a whole weekend, or a week not just one night. Most with small kids can't leave them with someone for an entire weekend/week, so this made the most sense for us. They're going to be girls who have been used by my friends for years, and will be on-site. I'm paying for it. We'd have liked to include children, but it more than doubles our guest list, and it's not in our budget to do so. If those with kids want to take advantage of it great- if they can't come as a result, we understand.

Daffodil, you missed the end of my statement, where I said it may mean the mother won't attend. My BFF had a 3 month old when her brother got married- her H's parents went down and stayed in hotel room with him while she was a BM in the wedding, but sometimes feedings can take a while, and need to be done often- and as a result she missed most of the wedding reception, up in the hotel room, feeding the baby.

I do agree, actually that not every wedding event is appropriate for kids. I don't believe that you MUST include children in wedding invites. I'm just saying- it's really hard for many breast feeding moms to do it, so be prepared they may not attend.

Jaks- I wouldn't say anything unless she asks you- some moms can pump like crazy and maybe there's someone she trusts to leave both kids with. If she does ask, I'd explain honestly that you just did not have the space to include children, and Audrey would be fine, becasue he/she would likely be held all night or sleeping in carseat, but Evelyn would need an actual chair and there just isn't space.

The only problem, when you start to make "exceptions" to the immediate family/wedding party kids, is that if people see one person there with thier child, after being told there was no room for kids- they'll probably feel hurt.

Of course, you could make Evelyn your flower girl, and that would solve that.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:e861c8f4-f7ff-43f3-8c6f-350eef64b404">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]Daffodil, you missed the end of my statement, where I said it may mean the mother won't attend.
Posted by Knittibell[/QUOTE]
i didn't miss it. i wanted to point out to you, and to others reading, that the part i quoted is patently false. i also stated that people are welcome to make exceptions if they want to do so.

Knittibell

It's really not patently false.

Patently false would be saying that no breastfeeding mother has ever or will ever attend an event without her baby.

Saying that if you don't allow a breast feeding mother to attend a wedding with the baby there's a chance they won't attend is most certainly an empirically true statement... but I'm not going to beat that dead horse any longer.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:05c949cd-c408-4b35-990b-56469ec7f45b">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding.... : no, they really aren't. if the bride and groom want to make that exception, they may. but there is NO requirement that this exception be made. everything that tide said about mothers who can't leave their babies is irrelevant. part of opting into parenthood is making sacrifices. and sometimes that means declining invitations to events where babies aren't welcome, <strong>if you are unable to leave a baby with a sitter for whatever reason. nobody should ever except that their baby will be invited everywhere they are</strong>. that's absurd, presumptuous, and rude.
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]
No where did I imply that the mothers should <em>expect </em>someone to make an exception for them.  I chose the wording that I did in my first post because, no - its not an etiquette rule that breastfeeding mothers are an exception. However, inviting a mother whom you know is BF and not allowing them an exception will severely limit her ability to attend.  If it is truly important to B&G that mom attend the wedding, then they should make an exception. 

OP  - as far as the toddler goes, I, personally would call your friend and explain the situation.  Tell her that you chose to have an adult-only wedding due to capacity limitations.  Explain that you wanted to let her know that if she couldn't leave the baby with someone, that she could bring her, but that allowing the toddler to come wouldn't be fair to others who had to make childcare arrangements.   Hopefully since she's your friend, she'll understand.

Lisa8888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kids-sort-of-destination-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d27d14d7-d10d-49f1-b297-57b67473a476Post:fa6bc6ba-a97e-42c1-abfe-936a7450e14c">Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: No kids at sort of destination wedding.... : No where did I imply that the mothers should expect someone to make an exception for them.  I chose the wording that I did in my first post because, no - its not an etiquette rule that breastfeeding mothers are an exception. However, inviting a mother whom you know is BF and not allowing them an exception will severely limit her ability to attend.  If it is truly important to B&G that mom attend the wedding, then they should make an exception. 
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

"It's generally suggested that breastfeeding babies should be an exception to the "no kids" rule. "

You said that BFing mothers should be an exception.

Belle2Be

I agree with tide, I'd give the mother a call after the invites are sent out, and clarify that you don't mind the nuring infant but in fairness need to keep the affair adult only, and would request that she finds a sitter for the toddler.