problem with my sister HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Arturabeth

So here's the deal. My sister hates my fiance's guts. She can't say anything nice about him and she doesn't agree with the wedding. But she wants to come. She says since she is immediate family it's a given that she is invited. I don't want to see her fave on my wedding day. She's coming into town a week before after being away for 6 months and all our mutual friends are going to be all excited to see her. She's going to turn our wedding into her welcome home party. If we were on better terms I wouldn't mind that. My sister in law's birthday is 2 days after the wedding and I want to have a cake for her and agknowlage her birthday. The weddingh isn't all about my fiance and I. But my sister is a different story. She says she is coming to the wedding no matter what and we can't stop her.

WHAT DO I DO??????????????

She is totally going to ruin the wedding!

VeggieLove1022

If you really wanted to keep her out you could hire security, but know that you will probably hurt a lot of feelings this way. 

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_problem-with-my-sister-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d28e2360-23f5-49a4-9300-b0255d597a29Post:88162447-867c-4bd7-8417-3fb0c74d1996">problem with my sister HELP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's the deal. My sister hates my fiance's guts. She can't say anything nice about him and she doesn't agree with the wedding. But she wants to come. She says since she is immediate family it's a given that she is invited. I don't want to see her fave on my wedding day. She's coming into town a week before after being away for 6 months and all our mutual friends are going to be all excited to see her. She's going to turn our wedding into her welcome home party. If we were on better terms I wouldn't mind that. My sister in law's birthday is 2 days after the wedding and I want to have a cake for her and agknowlage her birthday. The weddingh isn't all about my fiance and I. But my sister is a different story. She says she is coming to the wedding no matter what and we can't stop her. WHAT DO I DO?????????????? She is totally going to ruin the wedding!
Posted by Arturabeth[/QUOTE]

I think it truly takes a lot to actually ruin the wedding. 
I think you should be the bigger person and invite her.  If she creates a scene in any way, that's when you respectfully ask her to leave.  If she doesn't you call the police.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_problem-with-my-sister-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d28e2360-23f5-49a4-9300-b0255d597a29Post:88162447-867c-4bd7-8417-3fb0c74d1996">problem with my sister HELP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's the deal. My sister hates my fiance's guts. She can't say anything nice about him and she doesn't agree with the wedding. But she wants to come. She says since she is immediate family it's a given that she is invited. I don't want to see her fave on my wedding day. She's coming into town a week before after being away for 6 months and all our mutual friends are going to be all excited to see her. She's going to turn our wedding into her welcome home party. If we were on better terms I wouldn't mind that. My sister in law's birthday is 2 days after the wedding and I want to have a cake for her and agknowlage her birthday. The weddingh isn't all about my fiance and I. But my sister is a different story. She says she is coming to the wedding no matter what and we can't stop her. WHAT DO I DO?????????????? <strong>She is totally going to ruin the wedding</strong>!
Posted by Arturabeth[/QUOTE]

Ok, she will not ruin your wedding.

My sister (who I happen to love very much) lives in Texas and really hadn't been back home in over 6 months.  Yes, family and friends were happy to see her but my wedding certainly didn't turn into a welcome home party for her.

And this maybe just me, but even though you are trying to be nice to your FSIL by wanting to mention her birthday I don't think your wedding really is the place to do that.  It would probably make more sense and be fine if her birthday was actually on your wedding day but seeing as it is 2 days afterwards it would just be weird.

pkontk

If she is coming to town a week before your wedding, your reception will not be her welcome home party.  It would not be that no matter what because people are there to see you get married.

Did you not invite your sister?  That seems like more family drama than it is worth, TBH.  I would just suck it up and invite her, in spite of your differences.

Arturabeth

A few weeks ago things weren't so bad and I was going to invite her anyway, but now she can't talk to me without saying something mean. I don't understand why she want so come to my wedding!

We will have guys at the door as security but she says that no one can throw her out of her church. We don't have money to hire real security guards

LeiselEB

I'm sure people will say hi to her, welcome her home, and then celebrate YOUR wedding. It won't turn into a welcome home party for her. 

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_problem-with-my-sister-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d28e2360-23f5-49a4-9300-b0255d597a29Post:4ec9e3e3-afd3-4414-a385-792f80ab8e56">Re: problem with my sister HELP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]A few weeks ago things weren't so bad and I was going to invite her anyway, but now she can't talk to me without saying something mean. I don't understand why she want so come to my wedding! We will have guys at the door as security but she says that no one can throw her out of her church. We don't have money to hire real security guards
Posted by Arturabeth[/QUOTE]

Your sister sounds like a piece of work, but seriously? It will create more hassle to do what you can to keep her out than to just invite her. 
She sounds like an immature twat.  What kind of mean things does she say?

kmmssg

No one can throw her out of a church as it is a public place and unless she breaks the law, she can stay at the church.

Can your parents intervene at all here?  If your reception is off site, you CAN keep her out but you need to think big picture (rest of your life) and not just one day.  Make your decision based on the long term, KWIM?

I have a sister I can't stand either so I sympathize.  My big picture decision for her is I keep her at bay as much as possible.  I love her, I just really don't like her.  Keeping her out of my life as much as possible is the healthy longterm solution.  Make your decision wisely and carefully.

melindalynnrieck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_problem-with-my-sister-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d28e2360-23f5-49a4-9300-b0255d597a29Post:5121bbd8-ea82-411f-8327-817f8be0ce01">Re: problem with my sister HELP!!!!!!!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to problem with my sister HELP!!!!!!!!!! : Ok, she will not ruin your wedding. 
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. the birthday cake for the friend 2 days after the wedding date is totally uneccessary. i would never expect someone do to that for me, even if it was the actual day.</div><div>
</div><div>as for your sister, if she hates your fiance that much, why does she want to be a part of the day? it sounds like she wants to be there for you regardless of whether or not she agrees with your choice. to that i say let bygones be bygones. she's your sister. she'll be there forever, may as well invite her with open arms .  perhaps talk with her during the week prior, so that she's there to share your day, but you've gotten all your concerns/steam off your chest so you can enjoy the day and trust she won't make drama.</div><div>
</div><div>Talk to her in a civilized way. it's hard with sisters because i know i talk to mine differently than anyone else. what i'd do: write out what blunt things you'd say in bulelt points, then sleep on it. wake up the next morning and decide how you can say these same points without the emotion in it and the civility in it's place.</div><div>
</div><div>ie: "i don't want you at my wedding cuz it's always about you and you loathe my FI anyway, why would i want you there, B!t#!"</div><div>to</div><div>"Hey, sis, welcome home! i haven't seen you in so long, last we saw eachother i know there was some tention. I want you to know that despite things you've said in the past about him, it means a lot that you realize love prevails and want to be there for me and FI at our special day. </div><div>
</div><div>then it's up to her to not be a witch in response. it might mend things between you two!</div>

divinemsbee

Given your situation and where you're having your wedding, I'll say it's time to rise above.  A good friend of mine just had her wedding here in TX (we're from MS) and didn't invite her older sister (my former best friend) to come to it. Her sister has never spoken to her FI and my friend just didn't want to deal with her during the wedding or pre-parties, so she didn't. Her younger sister was her only BM, and her father and stepmom were in attendance and hosted the whole thing, and they knew that her sister was not invited. She didn't actually know if her sister knew that the wedding was that weekend. 

I do think that the only reason she was able to get away with that is because it was a destination wedding for the family and she and her sister don't talk a lot. And also her parents were willing to let her do as she pleased about it. I think her dad asked her once if she was sure, and I know her brother got a bit out of shape about it, but my friend just stuck to her guns. 

kimiandgary

Ditto everything Maggie said. Calm down.

If she gets out of line then handle that situation or make a GM/BM aware of the problem so they can diffuse it so you don't need to.

egm900

How many people are you inviting?  Will you really notice her there?  It sounds like you're going to burn that bridge if you don't invite her.  You're going to be so busy at the wedding that I highly doubt you will even notice if friends are making a big deal about your sister.  

My FMIL's and a flower girl's birthdays are within days of our wedding, and since we won't be around to celebrate with them on their birthdays, I've arranged a birthday cake at the rehearsal dinner for FMIL and a cookie cake for the flower girl at the pre-wedding lunch that will occur when we're taking photos.  I would arrange the birthday cake for SIL at a different time than the actual wedding.

Arturabeth

She's constantly telling me how he's all wrong for me and since we've been together I look "pale and thin and I don't smile the way I used too and my eyes look haunted" All she sees are random pictures on facebook. I guess she hasn't seen me when I'm with my friends hanging out and being all girly and silly. Or when I'm having a good time with the in laws. My friends tell me I look the happiest they've every seen me. This is coming from girls who are bluntly honest! She says he's going to be controling and abusive. This man has never hit anyone unless it was in good natured fun being had by both parties.

I was debating letting her come to the ceremony, and not inviting her to the reception. But she's going to try to get in.

Tina3104

Wow - maybe I'm way out in left field here but - I wouldn't want her there either.  Talk to her and ask her what her real reason for wanting to come to a celebration that she doesn't approve of. Ask her if her reason for coming is to join the celebration or something else (as in make sure everyone knows her opinion of your FI).

If it were me, I'd make her justify her reasons for wanting to go celebrate a marriage she doesn't agree with. Her answer might surprise you. Or it might confirm your suspicsions and then you can at least make a decision that you are prepared to live with.

AbbeyS2011

One of my cousins and my roommate got married on my birthday - the exact same day, at different times.  I did get, nor did I expect, a birthday cake or even acknowledgement of my birthday at either reception.  It was THEIR day, their party. 

If you want to wish your friend Happy Birthday, get her a card and give it to her just before the wedding (day or two) or give it to her when you return from the HM. 

As far as your sister goes, let her come.  If she wants to be nasty or say something rude, let her.  Be the bigger person and ignore her.  People will know she is just being mean-spirited.  She will not ruin your wedding day. 

Arturabeth

Thanks Tina, I'm going to do that. So far the only justification I've gotten from her is, "I want to be there for you" But it sounds more like, "It's a party and I want to have fun"

AEPerpete

If it were me, knowing what you've told us, I would think in the long run, will I be upset if my sister wasn't there on my special day? OR If you two end up getting closer, will she always hold it against you?
By the way...when she says you can't keep her out/ throw her out, that is so childish. I'm not sure why she would want to come at this time, when you are so against her being there, but maybe she believes she will regret it if she doesn't attend.
Goodluck with your decision!

kmmssg

A bit off topic but why does anyone care that she is doing a cake for a friend? It is an example that OP used to show that they aren't all caught up in "it's my day" and they want to recognize a friend.

OP - what was your relationship like with your sister prior to you getting engaged?  Prior to her meeting your FI?  Were you guys close or have there always been decent sized problems between you?  This would be my starting place for making your decision. If you guys have had a decent relationship until recently, I would invite her and kill her with kindness and let her see how happy you really are.  Sometimes the best vengeance is doing nothing and letting the truth prove itself.  If you guys have been seriously toxic for years then that could be a different story.

Like I said above, I have a toxic sister.  Would I invite her to my wedding?  Well, yeah, I did but she lived out of state and never acknowledged the engagement or wedding until 2 months after the ceremony.  Not a phone call, card, nada.

Keep the big picture in mind here and know that not letting her attend will have years worth of ramifications, but letting her attend is one day.  She can only ruin your wedding if YOU allow her to.  You and your new DH wil be very very busy and she wil most likely be the least of your worries.  If you and DH decide you are enjoying your wedding you will.  If you and DH decide her presence will ruin the wedding it will. This is all within your control.

myname1234

you not inviting her WILL make the wedding all about her.  It's not like she won't tell EVERYONE you both know.

Lang125

I would consider this decision in the long-term.  Although not in the moment, someday you may regret not having your sister there for one of the most important days of your life.  She is family and this could be used as an opportunity to reconnect with her or at least show her that you do care about her deep down despite all your differences. 

It is unfortunate that she has not said nice things to you, but it could be that she is dealing with hardships in her life and taking it out on others.  It sounds as though you expect her to cause drama at your wedding, but as a PP said - kill her with kindess.  You will feel better about yourself knowing that you are putting your best foot forward, and how she acts is a reflection on her - not you. 

Congratulations and no matter what you decide - your day will be about you and your FI - hard not to be that way!

Arturabeth

Thanks for all the responses. I found the opposition to the cake for my siser in law weird, but that is beside the point. I want to do it for her because she is special to me and I don't want her to feel like she's left out in all the preperations her parents are doing for my wedding. She's turning 15.

After talking it over with my fiance we decided to inviter her for the ceremony only. We have quite a few people invited to the ceremony only so it won't be that wierd. Then she's there, we can get pictures, and then I'm free from her.

The relationship I had with my sister was on and off growing up, and since my man came into my life it's been wayyyy worse.

kmmssg

You invited people to your ceremony only?  Are you talking about a note in the church bulletin where you attend, or do you mean you actually sent invitations to people and only invited them to your ceremony?

Arturabeth

It wasn't a note in the church bulletin, we printed invites on pretty paper. Most of the people are from the church and Bible study group and a few others. In our circle of friends it's not uncommon to have the ceremony open to alot of people, and then have a small intimate reception.