How do you control "the +1" problem?

dmbflygirl24

My fiance and I are getting married next year and we are paying for our own wedding without outside help.  We formulated a solid list of people we want to invite to our wedding and we decided to have an engagement party.  We started to invite our wedding guest list guests and now they are all RSVP'ing with their significant others/husbands/wives/friends etc.  We are really concerned that this sets the precedence for the wedding, and we can't afford everyone "plus one."  Yes, we now have heard "Well, didn't you know when you invite someone who's dating/married/engaged etc, they automatically get a plus one?" but no one told us that

Where do we go from here? We've heard the extremes of "put a no guest policy on your invites" to "don't worry about it, people won't show and it will even out."  The first extreme sounds a little rude and the other extreme means people we don't know at all will be at our wedding, at $125 a head.

Help!
Thanks!

badkittyct

Sorry. If they are dating someone or married/engaged/etc then they get a plus 1. The only people who you can say no +1 to are singles who are not in a relationship.

That really sucks that you learned of the +1 thing after you began to invite people to a pre-wedding party, but it also means that all those SO's and every single person you invited to the engagement party automatically gets a wedding invite. Just like if you send STDs every person that gets one of those gets an invite as well.

dmbflygirl24

So this is where I hear my fiance say, "Who makes up these ettiquette rules?" I guess (before I knew the "rules") I had thought I could invite my friends from work and invite people that we all knew so they could all sit together and feel comfortable. 

I know what the rules are, and honestly, those rules aren't going to pay for all those "plus ones." Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with it? I just didn't know, and I would hate to offend anyone, but we simply can't afford it. 

dmbflygirl24

Okay, just thought of something else, we have some people who we invited to the engagement party and the RSVP time passed, and we contacted them directly and no response.  No call, no email, nothing.  Safe to say maybe shouldn't be on the wedding guest list?

aMrsin09

I would skip the engagement party since you aren't supposed to throw that yourself anyway.

Sit down and re-do your guest list, making sure that those you invited to the now cancelled e-party are on it (with their +1s) and start cutting your list back from there.

Although I personally would go as far to say that if the e-party invites were verbal only, and the party was cancelled, you could fudge the rule and just start the wedding guest list from scratch again (this time including +1's).

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:d64ec54a-09d2-4173-8f73-64e5daf5a769">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would skip the engagement party since you aren't supposed to throw that yourself anyway. Sit down and re-do your guest list, making sure that those you invited to the now cancelled e-party are on it (with their +1s) and start cutting your list back from there. Although I personally would go as far to say that if the e-party invites were verbal only, and the party was cancelled, you could fudge the rule and just start the wedding guest list from scratch again (this time including +1's).
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

THis is a good idea.

pantherRN

Your first mistake was in throwing you own engagement party. It's tacky and gift grabby. Second mistake was in inviting only your friends. Not in inviting spouses/engaged couples is not ok, regardless of how you try to spin it or tell us you can't afford it. Choose a different venue or cut other parts of your budget to afford your friends AND their partners. This is the only way to "deal" with it.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:641f3826-af28-4c89-a002-daeb9edfa9e8">How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are getting married next year and we are paying for our own wedding without outside help.  We formulated a solid list of people we want to invite to our wedding and we decided to have an engagement party.  We started to invite our wedding guest list guests and now they are all RSVP'ing with their significant others/husbands/wives/friends etc.  We are really concerned that this sets the precedence for the wedding, and we can't afford everyone "plus one."  Yes, we now have heard "Well, didn't you know when you invite someone who's dating/married/engaged etc, they automatically get a plus one?" but no one told us that Where do we go from here? We've heard the extremes of "put a no guest policy on your invites" to "<strong>don't worry about it, people won't show and it will even out." </strong> The first extreme sounds a little rude and the other extreme means people we don't know at all will be at our wedding, at $125 a head. Help! Thanks!
Posted by dmbflygirl24[/QUOTE]

Don't fall for that one. =-)  Always count on 100% attendance. It doesn't mean you'll necessarily get it but you should be prepared for it.  We had only 1 person RSVP no to our wedding and another 5 who didn't show so we were really close to 100%.

pantherRN

Oh yeah, and ditto MrsB on the attendance thing.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:c9e1c103-ee4d-4372-b0d1-d70734d53f45">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]So this is where I hear my fiance say, "Who makes up these ettiquette rules?" I guess (before I knew the "rules") I had thought I could invite my friends from work and invite people that we all knew so they could all sit together and feel comfortable.  I know what the rules are, and honestly, those rules aren't going to pay for all those "plus ones." Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with it? I just didn't know, and I would hate to offend anyone, but we simply can't afford it. 
Posted by dmbflygirl24[/QUOTE]

 I know finances can make doing the right thing harder, but think about it from the other side.  Wouldn't you be offended if your FI was invited to a social event without you? How would you feel if you were already married and that happened?  Good for you for not wanting to offend anyone.

mrsjustinm2b

Sorry to thread jack a tiny bit, but what would you do if all of a sudden people start coupling up after invites are sent/guest list is already maxed out? So and so calls and tells you he's bringing new gf of the month and then another friend calls and now has a bf...and it goes on and on. In my case I've had five of those type of phone calls.

aMrsin09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:f467b8c9-d922-47dc-928f-c91b31b72feb">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry to thread jack a tiny bit, but what would you do if all of a sudden people start coupling up after invites are sent/guest list is already maxed out? So and so calls and tells you he's bringing new gf of the month and then another friend calls and now has a bf...and it goes on and on. In my case I've had five of those type of phone calls.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]

The rule applies to long term/serious realtionships.  So the GF of the month doesn't fit into this and most put the cut off to the time invites are mailed.

H and I were serious about a month after we started dating.  If I had received a wedding invite prior to even meeting him, I never would have expected the invite to be extended to him too.

Irishcurls

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:026bf5ef-b484-48c3-9980-d4932fe1542e">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree with PP about inviting everyone and their spouses and the e-party. If money is what's keeping you from doing the right thing I think you should try to <strong>find a better priced venue.</strong>
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]
This. Would you rather have an expensive meal for a select few, or a great party with everyone happy and having a great time. 

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:f467b8c9-d922-47dc-928f-c91b31b72feb">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry to thread jack a tiny bit, but what would you do if all of a sudden people start coupling up after invites are sent/guest list is already maxed out? So and so calls and tells you he's bringing new gf of the month and then another friend calls and now has a bf...and it goes on and on. In my case I've had five of those type of phone calls.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]

<div>I would try to accomdate the new sig other.  We are in this situation with a couple of people, and we've told them that we'd really like to invite the new sig others (and I really want to meet my friend's new bf!), but we need to wait until our RSVPs come back to make sure we can fit them without going over the venue's capacity.  </div>

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:3d56e18e-8420-47a5-a3f6-34b297668ea8">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, just thought of something else, we have some people who we invited to the engagement party and the RSVP time passed, and we contacted them directly and no response.  No call, no email, nothing.  <strong>Safe to say maybe shouldn't be on the wedding guest list?
</strong>Posted by dmbflygirl24[/QUOTE]

If you invited them to an engagement party, then they must be invited to the wedding. It doesn't matter if they can't attend the party or not. The thing is you invited them, so now they must be invited to the wedding. Any pre-wedding party invite=a wedding invite.

Ditto the others. If your guest is in a relationship then the significant other must be invited too. And you should not be throwing your own E party. But too late now.

hccpsu

I have to say I'm surprised you would even think of inviting someone without their spouse/fiance.  I can't fathom ever thinking that's okay, no matter what the occasion.

If someone is invited to an engagement party (which as PP noted, you shouldn't throw for yourself), they need to be invited to the wedding.  You need to make some budget cuts to accomodate everyone you invited to the engagement party.  You can't not invite someone's spouse or SO.

peanutty2

I think PPs have already covered this, but yes, you must invite SOs.  Think about how you would feel if you were invited to a wedding and not your bf/so/husband, it's just rude.  If you already invited these people to your engagement party (although you shouldn't of been throwing this for yourself really) then your going to need to find a venue or alter your wedding plans to properly accomodate your guests. 

Brandiewine11

OP, if your wedding isn't until next year, you need to cut some corners elsewhere and properly host your guests. Go for a less expensive venue, less flowers, etc so you can afford to invite the SO's of your friends. It's really rude not to invite them.

Also, throwing your own engagement party is also a bad idea. You should never throw a party for yourself. While we're here, please note that you should not throw your own bridal shower or bach party either.

Amynutrition

How would you feel if someone told your FI "We want you at the wedding but not your fiance, we don't have enough room for +1s"
I'd be pissed

That where etiquette rules come from, not hurting others' feelings

artbyallie

I just wanted to point out that fiancés/spouses/SOs are not "+1s". To me, at least, +1 means you're allowing a single person to come with a guest. Any guest. FIs/spouses/SOs should always, always be invited together because they are a social unit. So you're not inviting them "and guest" but rather both halves of the couple.

jemmini6

In Response to Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?:
[QUOTE]I have to say I'm surprised you would even think of inviting someone without their spouse/fiance.  I can't fathom ever thinking that's okay, no matter what the occasion. If someone is invited to an engagement party (which as PP noted, you shouldn't throw for yourself), they need to be invited to the wedding.  You need to make some budget cuts to accomodate everyone you invited to the engagement party.  You can't not invite someone's spouse or SO.
Posted by hccpsu[/QUOTE]


This.  I can maybe understand if it was a new relationship (even though it's still not correct), but inviting people without their SPOUSES?  Why would you even think that was okay?

You definitely need to find a way to make that one work otherwise I guarentee you will offend every single one of your guests.  I would be pissed if I got invited to a wedding without FI, it's just wrong.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:c9e1c103-ee4d-4372-b0d1-d70734d53f45">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>So this is where I hear my fiance say, "Who makes up these ettiquette rules?"</strong> I guess (before I knew the "rules") I had thought I could invite my friends from work and invite people that we all knew so they could all sit together and feel comfortable.  I know what the rules are, and honestly, those rules aren't going to pay for all those "plus ones." Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with it? I just didn't know, and I would hate to offend anyone, but we simply can't afford it. 
Posted by dmbflygirl24[/QUOTE]

Society. All etiquette is is a rule of society norms and rules developed over the years. It's to make people feel comfortable. If you know proper etiquette, you know what to expect in social situations and therefore feel comfortable there. Etiquette is about making others feel comfortable. Hence why people need to be invited with their SOs. If you're interested you can look up Emily Post's wedding etiquetter. Mis Manners also has a wedding etiquette book.

dmbflygirl24

Obviously I have a lot to learn about ettiquette.  I didn't know we aren't supposed to throw our own engagement party (we were taking the reins on everything else) and I invited friends to the engagement party.  They were the ones that started RSVPing with their spouses/gf/bf/flavorsofthemonth.  We wanted to throw an engagement party to have all our guests meet so that the wedding is more fun, but I'm guessing I'm wrong there too.  We didn't register for gifts, and my MOH is spreading the word that we don't want them.  I started crunching the numbers last night on spouses, because you have a point, I'd be bummed if I wasn't invited to my fiance's friend's wedding. It looks like I can do spouses, and luckily only a few of my friends are married or going to get married that fall into that group.  Most of my friends are single. It was mostly the "I'm bringing a random friend" that I was still struggling with.

I plan on having the engagment party chat with the fiance tonight and we'll go from there.  Thanks guys

smokeybailey

I solved the problem by planning my guest list from the very beginning giving every single a plus one.  I had no idea where their love life might be in 8 months so that is the number I went with.

PhoneCardLady

I never heard of the  '+1" bit.  When I first started a 'tentative' guest list, I just automatically added a guest.  None of them are in a relationship that I know of or they are widowed (and figured they might need a guest to assist them).

staceycaines

Although I agree with PPs on the +1 issue, I have read that nowadays it is acceptable for a couple to plan their own engagement party.  Engagement parties are not gift-giving parties--they only exist for couples to announce the new engagement.  While traditionally announced by the bride's father, modern weddings are a union between two people as opposed to primarily a union of two families.  So while strict ettiquette may still mark it as unacceptable to throw your own party, lots of people do it.  It's not gift-grabby because there are supposed to be any gifts given. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_control-1-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3153c5d-2508-48c1-b7b5-20dae10e7292Post:d3fba7b6-4f74-4f45-8e43-3a6c44ee7cdc">Re: How do you control "the +1" problem?</a>:
[QUOTE]Although I agree with PPs on the +1 issue, I have read that nowadays it is acceptable for a couple to plan their own engagement party.  Engagement parties are not gift-giving parties--they only exist for couples to announce the new engagement.  While traditionally announced by the bride's father, modern weddings are a union between two people as opposed to primarily a union of two families.  So while strict ettiquette may still mark it as unacceptable to throw your own party, lots of people do it.  It's not gift-grabby because there are supposed to be any gifts given. 
Posted by staceycaines[/QUOTE]

<div>I have never been to an engagement party, nor did I have one.  However if I was invited to one, i would never show up empty handed, regardless of what I was told.  At the very least we would bring a bottle of wine or champagne.  </div><div>
</div><div>OP - just throw a dinner party or get together at your house then if all you want to do is celebrate with everyone.  Don't call it an engagement party, just invite people over.  </div>