HELP, Fiance wants to invite all his coworkers!!!!

Desiree1107

My fiancé & I have been engaged for some time now, not that we don't want to get married but something has always come up that has prolonged the wedding for another year. We have officially set a date May 17, 2014, we reserved the church & are going to put a down payment for our hall however my fiancé being an overly excited and friendly fellow has invited all his coworkes!!! Our guest list is really small under a 90 guests I wanted something intimate with very close family & friends. He wants to invite the CEO's & VP's who have repeatedly passed him up on promotions. I feel these 20+ people do not deserve to come. However I don't know if it is in bad etiquette to not invite them. Also with the wedding being so relaxed and intimate I don't feel they would be comfortable to get up and dance and take part in the activities we will have. Please help!!!

Confused Bride

cookie0803

If he has already told them they're invited, you have to invite them. 

[Deleted User]

I think you're far enough out that they'll probably forget that he invited him. Sit him down and tell him that your happy he's so excited but that he shouldn't be sending be telling people they are invited until you guys sit down & do your official list to make sure you have enough room in the budget to invite them.

Inviting them won't get him noticed for promotions anyfaster. My theory on co-workers, if you don't hang out with them outside of work already, why would you invite them to your wedding?

Kate61487

ditto PP. If he's already verbally invited them all then you're kind of stuck and need to invite them.  Some more info on exactly what he said and to whom would help us advise further.
 
If it's as your title suggest "fi WANTS to invite all his coworkers" well that's something you two would need to sit down and discuss and come to a compromise on.  Inviting coworkers is definitely not necessary, but if he wants them there his voice should be heard.  Did he not mention them at all when you were making up that 90 person guest list? or did you not do that together?

MyNameIsNot

If he's verbally invited them, you're probably stuck.  It's probably a good idea to have a conversation with your FI that it isnt a good idea to verbally invite people until you've already decided together that they'll be on the guest list.

However, you need to remember that this is his wedding too.  If he wants to invite coworkers, he should.  You don't get to veto his requests simply because you have a vagina.  You two need to sit down and work out the guest list and wedding vision together.  

kmmssg

Your FI needs to see how much each guest costs.  Guys understand numbers.  The cost of a guest includes:

cost of invitation plus cost of postage to send as well as the postage for the RSVP

Cost for appetizers/drinks during cocktail hour

Cost of meal and drinks. - Don't forget gratuities.  I did that with my first DD and had to shell out an extra 800.00 bucks I forgot to budget in for required gratuities with the caterer.

Cost of dishes/linens/centerpieces per person.  Are you renting tables and chairs?

Cost of wedding cake per person (check to see if there is a gratuity required there)

Cost of favor if you have them

Someone else may think of something to add to this.  Show him preliminary numbers and remind him each person's spouse/fiance/SO MUST also be invited.

The bigger problem you have here is that it seems he has already invited his coworkers.  At least show him what the true cost of each guest is so he will not continue down the "hey you are invited to my wedding" path.

You mention how YOU feel about all of this, but you also say your FI wants these people there too.  You guys have to compromise.  It isn't all about your vision as the bride and it isn't a free for all invitation.  Compromise.  If he wants to invite people it needs to be part of the big plan and you guys need to decide what your max is.

Desiree1107

Thank you everyone for all your input!!!

The total # of guests is 90 including his 20 extra coworkers our original # was only 70 I feel we could invite a couple of coworkers he is close with but the few he is not should be left off. I thought maybe since the wedding was so far in advance that they could possibly forget. Also he is very close with the president of the bank's son & he told my fiance to invite his father the president of the bank because he "gives good gifts". Personally I do not and did not invite any of my guests in order to receive money back I invited these few people because I genuinely couldn't have imagined celebraing this day without them. I feel he only wants these people here to give him a good wedding present where as I want people to come celebrate the big day with us.

cookie0803

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-fianc-wants-to-all-his-coworkers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3659114-6fc5-42ab-82e4-3dfbba58ae88Post:3a06269c-85e3-4f62-ae78-47dafb68d334">Re: HELP, Fiance wants to invite all his coworkers!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you everyone for all your input!!! The total # of guests is 90 including his 20 extra coworkers our original # was only 70 I feel we could invite a couple of coworkers he is close with but the few he is not should be left off. I thought maybe since the wedding was so far in advance that they could possibly forget. Also he is very close with the president of the bank's son & he told my fiance to invite his father the president of the bank because he "gives good gifts". Personally I do not and did not invite any of my guests in order to receive money back I invited these few people because I genuinely couldn't have imagined celebraing this day without them. <strong>I feel he only wants these people here to give him a good wedding present where as I want people to come celebrate the big day with us</strong>.
Posted by Desiree1107[/QUOTE]

<div>I wouldn't count on anyone forgetting, honestly. Did he actually tell every single coworker they would be invited?</div><div>
</div><div>And I would have a huge problem if I thought FI was inviting guests for gifts, but that's a whole separate issue.</div>

Desiree1107

I wouldn't count on anyone forgetting, honestly. Did he actually tell every single coworker they would be invited? And I would have a huge problem if I thought FI was inviting guests for gifts, but that's a whole separate issue.

He literally announced it to his bank while all his coworkers were there. A few people he is close with which comes to about 8 people including their guest is ok but then he added on a few extras which I am not ok with and people that work with him just to be cordial. For instance a coworker he added is a major B.I.T.C.H!!! I can not understand why he would tell her. He's genuinely a nice guy & wants to please everyone I just don't think this is something that ANYBODY should be invited too

kmmssg

Again, it is all about compromise and not just what you think.  He is just as entitled to his opinion as you are to yours.  You guys need to sit down and talk it out.

cookie0803

Kmmssg has given you really good advice.

As for the coworker you don't care for, don't worry about her. You will be way too busy to even notice her.

bunni727

Is 20 the number of coworkers alone, or does that include SOs? That could be a ton of people.

Since he already invited them you are probably stuck. Just have a talk with him about how this should have been something you decided together.

Desiree1107

Thanks everyone I'm going to talk it out with the fiance and see if we can get the number down a little bit. I want it to be small & look back on the photos and know that these are the people we were happy that came to our wedding and still have in our lives 10 years from now. I was just worried that maybe the CEOs or VP's wouldn't take as much part in the wedding reception festivities.

Kate61487

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-fianc-wants-to-all-his-coworkers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3659114-6fc5-42ab-82e4-3dfbba58ae88Post:3d99a3e8-f18a-4223-9d89-7b27329c83cb">Re: HELP, Fiance wants to invite all his coworkers!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone I'm going to talk it out with the fiance<strong> and see if we can get the number down a little bit</strong>. I want it to be small & look back on the photos and know that these are the people we were happy that came to our wedding and still have in our lives 10 years from now. I was just worried that maybe the CEOs or VP's wouldn't take as much part in the wedding reception festivities.
Posted by Desiree1107[/QUOTE]

I'm still not 100% clear on what he said.  Did he announce "hey we finally set the date and we're getting married in May!"  or did he announce "We're getting married in May <strong>and you're all invited</strong>!"  b/c if he's already invited them there's no cutting down the number; they've been invited (and as PP said all of their SOs need to be invited too.)

I still think it's worth a talk to make sure he understands that he can't just go around verbally inviting people without talking to you first, but if he truly did verbally invite them what's done is done.  And even if you invite only your BFFs there's no guarantee they'll still be in your lives in 10yrs, I'm sure you'll still look back fondly on your wedding photos.

jcg23

I am glad your going to sit down with your FI if mine did that I'd be pissed. Lol I do understand your frustration and the guest list is ALWAYS something to talk about not just go and invite all your co-workers spontaniously because each head costs money. I mean it's all good he is a nice friendly guy but he also needs to consider what is best for the both of you.
 
But yes I as well would like to know if he just told them about the wedding or if he verbally invited them. Because if he just told them about it you can ask him to not invite them, but if he already invited them, it's too late. Unless any of them aren't sentimenta, but perhaps some of them won't show up. And maybe the one you hate won't.
 
I would really consider finding a way to have the reception private, or finding a way to get them out of it. Perhaps he apoogizes about he premature invites you had to re-evalute the costs and found out you couldn't afford it. If he does this they may be a bit upset but should understand. People get married they get excited and want to share the knowledge with the world but if he wants to invite them and you can afford it, you'll just have to grin and bare it. But have him reconsider it. If he sees your point of view on it he might get it. I wouldn't ever consider adding to a guest list without consulting mike first. We went over it and it luckily went very smoothly. But don't make him feel guilty about it either that can just hurt the both of you. But calmly explain you understand his excitement and are very glad he is excited about the wedding but you should always talk about adding people onto the guest list before inviting them. If you say something like that it can make things easier on you both.

twotimemob

This is counter to many of the responses, but given that your wedding is so far out, perhaps you can get off the hook by your fiance saying "oopsie, guess I spoke too soon and got a beat-down from the wife-unit" or something like that if someone calls him on it.

You could always force your fiance to find a new job before then

Desiree1107

He asked if they would like to come but great news is we did talk and we managed to cut the number he didnt invite his CEO's or VP's personally just the few people he is close with in the bank I am very relieved. 

Thanks everyone for the input 

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-fianc-wants-to-all-his-coworkers?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d3659114-6fc5-42ab-82e4-3dfbba58ae88Post:a7876465-908c-4f69-9c32-a0287e8c4cac">Re: HELP, Fiance wants to invite all his coworkers!!!!</a>:
[QUOTE]This is counter to many of the responses, but given that your wedding is so far out, perhaps you can get off the hook by your fiance saying "oopsie, guess I spoke too soon and <strong>got a beat-down from the wife-unit</strong>" or something like that if someone calls him on it. You could always force your fiance to find a new job before then ;)
Posted by twotimemob[/QUOTE]

Throwing one's FI under the bus like that, especially in language that crass, would make me break up with my FI.  "Beat-down from the wife-unit" ?  In the 21st century? Really???????