Wedding Etiquette Forum

Step-sister conflict

My fiancé and I got engaged in May.  We have set our date for August of 2011.  This fall my step-sister got engaged.  She has set her wedding date 2 months before mine.  I feel like she has just pushed me aside and has had no regard for me.  I got engaged before she did and I set my date before she did.   Two months before my wedding is going to be my crunch time for planning.  And then I’m going to have to be in her wedding with the additional cost for that.  I feel like everyone’s attention is going to be on her, and not on me.  On the other had I feel like it should be no big deal, that her wedding and my wedding are going to be totally different.  They are two months apart.  My maid of honor said to me, she is not stealing your thunder, your wedding is going to be your day, and no one can take that away from you.  She said, go to her wedding see what she does and learn from her mistakes and have a better wedding.    My mother is really upset with the fact the my step-sister has just step in front of me and taken all the attention away from me.  It has been a hard adjustment for me when my mom get remarried.  I was an only child until my mom get remarried, my step-father has 4 daughters.  In the past couple of years my step-sisters and I have become every close.  I feel if this was happening to one of my step-sisters they would just say, Hey, I’m not ok with this.  But I feel like I can’t do that.  I’m really struggling with what to do.   

Re: Step-sister conflict

  • Why did you write this in giant pink letters and sign it like you were writing to Dear Abby?  Just curious.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-sister-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4763e55-92ca-4a9d-832d-d5a272b80d58Post:d1ee4e6e-78e2-44e0-a760-39fe7549f852">Step-sister conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiancé and I got engaged in May.   We have set our date for August of 2011.   This fall my step-sister got engaged.   She has set her wedding date 2 months before mine.   I feel like she has just pushed me aside and has had no regard for me.   I got engaged before she did and I set my date before she did.     Two months before my wedding is going to be my crunch time for planning.   And then I’m going to have to be in her wedding with the additional cost for that.   I feel like everyone’s attention is going to be on her, and not on me.   On the other had I feel like it should be no big deal, that her wedding and my wedding are going to be totally different.   They are two months apart.   My maid of honor said to me, she is not stealing your thunder, your wedding is going to be your day, and no one can take that away from you.   She said, go to her wedding see what she does and learn from her mistakes and have a better wedding.      My mother is really upset with the fact the my step-sister has just step in front of me and taken all the attention away from me.   It has been a hard adjustment for me when my mom get remarried.   I was an only child until my mom get remarried, my step-father has 4 daughters.   In the past couple of years my step-sisters and I have become every close.   I feel if this was happening to one of my step-sisters they would just say, Hey, I’m not ok with this.   But I feel like I can’t do that.   I’m really struggling with what to do.      Upset Bride in Maine
    Posted by cristab85[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>So you are worried that the attention will be off of you, and that your time and money will have to go to her wedding? I mean, it sucks.. but there is nothing you can do. You only have one day for your wedding, not months. 

    </div>
    image
  • Also, the advice you were given about going to the wedding and learning how to make your wedding better made me laugh.
    image
  • I would never have gotten through that without Rosie's quoting.  Kiki - maybe she copied and pasted what she submitted to Dear Abby?

    OP, just tell her you can't be in her wedding due to financial and time constraints.
    image
    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • I like your MOH. She's obviously trying to talk you down and you should listen to her.
    image
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • If you don't want to be involved in her wedding, then don't be. Just politely decline if/when she asks. You get one day. Not a month, or two months, or a whole year.

    Listen to your maid of honor, she sounds smart.
  • This story brings a tear to my eye.
    You poor, poor forgotten girl.
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • Stackeye210Stackeye210 member
    5000 Comments
    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-sister-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4763e55-92ca-4a9d-832d-d5a272b80d58Post:d1ee4e6e-78e2-44e0-a760-39fe7549f852">Step-sister conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fiancé and I got engaged in May.   We have set our date for August of 2011.   This fall my step-sister got engaged.   She has set her wedding date 2 months before mine.   I feel like she has just pushed me aside and has had no regard for me.   I got engaged before she did and I set my date before she did.     Two months before my wedding is going to be my crunch time for planning.   And then I’m going to have to be in her wedding with the additional cost for that.   I feel like everyone’s attention is going to be on her, and not on me.   <strong>On the other had I feel like it should be no big deal, that her wedding and my wedding are going to be totally different.   They are two months apart.   My maid of honor said to me, she is not stealing your thunder, your wedding is going to be your day, and no one can take that away from you. </strong>  She said, go to her wedding see what she does and learn from her mistakes and have a better wedding.      My mother is really upset with the fact the my step-sister has just step in front of me and taken all the attention away from me.   It has been a hard adjustment for me when my mom get remarried.   I was an only child until my mom get remarried, my step-father has 4 daughters.   In the past couple of years my step-sisters and I have become every close.   I feel if this was happening to one of my step-sisters they would just say, Hey, I’m not ok with this.   But I feel like I can’t do that.   I’m really struggling with what to do.      Upset Bride in Maine
    Posted by cristab85[/QUOTE]

    Listen to your MOH........vent to her, she is wise (minus the one up'ing part)!  I can understand your frustrations, but at the end of the day there is nothing you should be, or can be mad at. 

    Same day, yea, the week before, of course maybe upset, but not 2 months before.
  • Well, first, you stop writing in pink. It burns my eyeballs.

    Second, you just kinda suck it up. Go on with your wedding as planned and have the best time ever, without the one-upsmanship, por favor.


    image
    Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.

    The Margarita Evolution
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-sister-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4763e55-92ca-4a9d-832d-d5a272b80d58Post:3910bc04-50dc-402f-a41e-968c0cf2e164">Re: Step-sister conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE] Listen to your maid of honor, she sounds smart.
    Posted by akhensley81[/QUOTE]

    <div>You're joking right?</div><div>
    </div><div>Did you miss this part:</div><div>
    </div><div><strong><em>"She said, go to her wedding see what she does and learn from her mistakes and have a better wedding." </em></strong></div><div><strong><em>
    </em></strong></div>
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • I think the fact that it's all crunched up is worse than the pink!
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Waiting to meet the baby broccoli on 5/5/2013!
  • Yeah, her maid of honor kind of sounds more like gas on the fire than valedictorian.
    image
    Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.

    The Margarita Evolution
    image
  • Cool  That's for you, Fishy.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic 6.6.12 | 7 lbs 9 oz | 20 inches AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_step-sister-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d4763e55-92ca-4a9d-832d-d5a272b80d58Post:953909e9-ed36-4ab4-81da-5aa3d36463f8">Re: Step-sister conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Step-sister conflict : You're joking right? Did you miss this part: "She said, go to her wedding see what she does and learn from her mistakes and have a better wedding." 
    Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

    I guess I was focusing more on this part:

    <font size="5"><font color="#cc0066"><strong><em><font color="#000000">My maid of honor said to me, she is not stealing your thunder, your wedding is going to be your day, and no one can take that away from you.</font></em></strong><span> 

    <font color="#000000">That crazy fontage was confusing me.</font> </span></font></font>
  • I KNOW DOCTA! I had to pick one or the other, or I'd really look like a hosebeast. ;)
    image
    Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.

    The Margarita Evolution
    image
  • I guess we have to give the MOH props. I mean she obviously knows her audience. 
    image
  • Fezz, I can never say you didn't do anything for me.

    Hens, I kind of read that like:

    My maid of honor said to me, she is not stealing your thunder, your wedding is going to be YOUR (SPECIAL) day, and no one can take that away from you. (NOT EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!)

    image
    Vacation with Alix, Andy, Mandy, and FLORENCE. AND HER MACHINE.

    The Margarita Evolution
    image
  • And as far as my real advice... you said you're worried that it's going to be during your 'crunch time'.  Honestly?  You won't be that busy 2 months before your wedding.  It's not a full-time job.  You will definitely have time to go to your step-sister's wedding, and even be in the bridal party if you so choose to be.  Just calm down.
    image
  • Hey at least the MOH is attempting to talk some sense in to her. Even if it's kind of bassackwards...
  • My FBIL and FSIL got married two months to the DAY before us.  They had their turn, now in three days we are having ours.  Nobody's thunder got stolen.  Nobody broke the bank.  Everything was fine.

    You need to let it go.
    image

    Books read in 2012: 21/50

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

  • As other posters have said, this is something that you will have to suck up.  The order of engagement does not have anything to do with the order that people get married.  Just because you got engaged first does not give you "reigning" rights.  You pick a day, and she picks a day.  Done. 

    It might help you to stop thinking less of your wedding as your big day, and that you will be the focus of attention.  It would be healthier to think of it as the first day with your new husband.   Its a day to celebrate a new partnership and union, not a day to shine a light on the bride. 

    It really is not going to be a big deal.  Stop listening to your mom and your MOH and let this roll off your back.  
  • edited November 2010
    The financial obligation of being in Step Sister's wedding is one thing-if you can't afford to be in it politely tell her so and decline involvement.

    However, you complain about attention is silly. I mean, seriously.  Wedding are fresh in people's memory for only a little bit. By the time yours rolls around 2 months later Step Sister's will be old news.  Besides-you should be getting married so you can have months of attention.  Be happy for step sister. Do what you can to support her and be grateful if she returns the same respect.  If not, move on and forget about it.

    EDIT: Bolded part should be "shouldn't"
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • Two of my cousins who are brothers got married within two months of each other, and nobody died.

    Seriously, dude. You plan your wedding, she plans hers. There's no reason that taking time to go to her wedding should affect your "crunch time". Just start crunching now, and get ahead of the game.
    imageimage
    Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
    Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
  • I should also mention that my brother got married 12 weeks to the day before I did. H and I were both in their wedding, both my brother and SIL were in our wedding, and everything was fine.
  • This may sound harsh but you don't get to block out the entire prime wedding season of 2011 just because you are getting married that year.  Life is short.  If you are lucky, you live to 90.  They shouldn't have to put off their wedding just because you got engaged first.  There is 2 months in between and it likely won't cause any planning problems. This really shouldn't be a competition. 

    Is she in your wedding?  Because if so, then she has that additional cost as well.
  • My sister and I got married 2 months apart (8 weeks exactly)... if you choose to embrace it.. you can make a blast out of it.

    Honestly- you had a long engagement.. which is completely normal for some people... while others don't want an engagement longer than a year.  (DH and I were definitely in this boat.. 5.5 years of dating was plenty long.. engagement meant planning to us.. and you don't need that much time to plan.)  If they wanted to get married now.. does she have to wait over a year to get married?!?  Is that fair for her?  Also, you picked fall.  That doesn't leave much time for her to get married after you and still get in on good weather.  If you picked an earlier month.. maybe she would have waited until after you to get married.  Finally, what if that month was their dream wedding month.  What if they talked for years about when they wanted to get married.  Some couples talk about getting married for years and plan out some of their dream details (ie. goal month .. goal season)... but aren't officially engaged because they are saving.  (DH saved for 3 years before we married.. and let me tell you.. the fall after I graduated was cemented in our heads years before my sister picked her date.)

    I am trying to offer up all these different perspectives because honestly.. she really shouldn't have to put her life on hold ... just like she wouldn't expect you to put your life on hold for her.  If you can see things from her perspective a little.. you might be able to get over the sting and initial frustration/shock/hurt.. and realize you are both going to marry guys you love and get to share these experiences together.

    My sister's and my wedding were completely different from each other.. despite having 1/3 of the same guests.. everyone said they had a blast at both.. but they were SOOO different.  We shared a lot of memories doing things together and we grew super close as a result (we grew apart during HS/college).  Now we are both married and everyone involved was happy!

    Congrats on your engagement!
  • You DO NOT own everyday of the year so what you're being mad at is completely childish!  Just because you got engaged first doesn't mean you reserve the right to have your wedding first.  What if you're wedding date was 2 years out would that mean she couldn't get married until after your 2 year wedding date?  YA right!!! At least she didn't have it in the same month or same day!  Stop being a child and grow up!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards