Engagement Gift for Fiance?

drayerle

Hi! I'm writing because my mom has brought it to my attention that I should give my fiance an engagement gift. She cited Amy Vanderbilt, as a pretty authoritative source, who said an engagement gift should be given to the groom soon after he proposes. Now, I've heard of giving a wedding day gift and that that should be a nice, special gift.  And, I would like to spend some money and get him something very nice, like a really nice watch....and I was thinking then maybe on our wedding day I could give him something more personal and not as expensive so that I'm not overdoing my budget on etiquette gifts or something, haha. (BTW, we're probably not going to get married within the next several months so it's not like I would potentially be giving back-to-back gifts.) So, what have you heard? What do you know of the etiquette on this issue? Should I give two separate gifts?

waltzingmatilda13

I've never heard of giving an engagement gift to your own FI.

arv266

What did she get your dad?

opalsky007

I've never heard of it. Or Amy Vanderbilt.

Get him something if you want, but I wouldn't call it a necessity. DH and I didn't even exchange wedding gifts.

zippityb

My engagement gift to my fiance was that I paid for his wedding.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

I've never heard of this or this Amy Vanderbilt chick either.

Do what you want.  But as far as engagements and weddings go, there are going to be gifts all over the place.  A gift for the engagement isn't entirely necessary.  He's got a new fiancee, that's pretty exciting.

drayerle

Haha, to arv266, that question would be good but it's tricky, my mother was never married so this is her first, personal wedding experience. So she's going about this based on what she thinks would be polite and correct. Maybe this it's a more traditional practice?

Beachy730

I've never heard of it.  And wedding day gifts aren't a necessity either.  I really didn't care if we did them, but H wanted to so we did.

squirrly

I gave my ex-FI a waterski.  But that was more or less to have a title for the gift, which I would have given him either way.

I don't think I gave my H anything, although I did treat him to the amusement park/waterpark a few weeks later, and covered the hotel for that trip.  He bought the baseball tickets, though, so I don't think it really counts.

Bottom line - it's not required, but you certainly can.  And, your gift giving is none of your mother's business, OR Amy Vanderbilt, who is more or less a wannabe etiquette "authority".  I have one of her books (on sale for $5), and I never, ever use it. 

FutureMrsTR

We didn't do wedding day gifts, but I did buy my H a ukulele shortly after he proposed.  He'd been wanting one for awhile and since he'd just dropped a bunch of money on something pretty for me, I figured I'd get him a present.  The ukulele was nice, but nothing compared to my ring, haha.

angiebear11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-gift-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d65b147b-fc41-4b32-b3ee-a3c919640f20Post:4c1c42d3-460d-4bbb-be8c-04bddc261487">Re: Engagement Gift for Fiance?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't do wedding day gifts, but I did buy my H a ukulele shortly after he proposed.  He'd been wanting one for awhile <strong>and since he'd just dropped a bunch of money on something pretty for me, I figured I'd get him a present.</strong>  The ukulele was nice, but nothing compared to my ring, haha.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

This was exactly my thinking when my FI proposed to me.  I bought a LV messenger bag he had been eyeing for a while.

sarabellam

Hmm, would I sound like a total hoar if I said I gave my H a BJ soon after we got engaged?

drayerle

Hi guys,

I do want to make clear that my mom was making a suggestion and she's not domineering in any way about my wedding. She and I are looking into this a little further to see how strong the etiquette is, which, judging by the responses, it's definitely not a norm - which is exactly what I wanted to know. So this is very helpful. Thank you!

CaylaSummer

Hi there,

Yeah i have never heard of this too but I was informed that I was supposed to give him something. I was not planning on giving him anything and I'm not sure if I'm suppose to present it to him in front of everyone so I don't want to be embarrass just in case I have to do that and then not have a gift for him. I did not get him anything expensive because he is such a difficult person to shop for. Apparently I am suppose to give him something memorable ie. a watch but he doesn't even wear one so I had to come up with something different. We are having our party on the 16th of this month so I was freaking out a bit as what to get him so I went on ETSY and found all these vintage coins from pre 1900 which I think he would like. 

noodle_oo

Never heard of this.  Sure, if you want to, but I don't think you have to and I don't think you have to go out of your way to do it just because etiquette says you should (if it does, but I don't think so).  Same with getting him a wedding gift.  I don't think it is necessary, but a nice gesture if you want to.  We agreed not to exchange gifts because we paid for our own wedding, we were spending enough money already!

Bottom line:  do you want you want, not what other people tell you that you "should" do.  I would keep this in mind through out the wedding planning process (and life in general).

arv266

I ggogled it...

Amy Vanderbilt (July 22, 1908 – December 27, 1974) was an American authority on etiquette. In 1952 she published the best selling book Amy Vanderbilt's Complete Book of Etiquette. The book, later retitled Amy Vanderbilt's Etiquette, has been updated and is still in circulation today. The most recent edition (ISBN 0-385-41342-4) was edited by Nancy Tuckerman and Nancy Dunnan. Its longtime popularity has led to it being considered a standard of etiquette writing.

In the 50's the rule of etiquette was for the bride to give the groom an "everlasting" token as an engagement gift; usually an engraved watch or (my favorite) an embossed leather portfolio. 

I think it is safe to say that this tid bit of etiquette from the 50's is no longer the norm. 

I did not get my FI an engagement gift, but I am working on a wedding gift for him.  It is a poster of his family tree, as he is very interested in his family geneology. 

You can let your Mom know that this is just not done anymore. 

Rosie109

If my FI EVER gave me any grief about how much he spent on my ring, I would be heart broken. Especially if I needed to buy him a gift to counter balance what he gave me.

angiebear11

Even though giving your FI an engagement gift may not be the norm anymore, I still think it is a very nice gesture.  When you think about it, why should the woman get this expensive ring as a token of your SO's love but the man shouldn't have to get anything in return?  I know expensive rings aren't necessary... or any ring for that matter.  But if we're talking about the norm here, it is still the norm for the woman to receive something in exchange for a marriage proposal.

Rosie109

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-gift-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d65b147b-fc41-4b32-b3ee-a3c919640f20Post:70facc37-1a1d-489f-95c0-3d25a10c8746">Re: Engagement Gift for Fiance?</a>:
[QUOTE]Even though giving your FI an engagement gift may not be the norm anymore, I still think it is a very nice gesture.  When you think about it, why should the woman get this expensive ring as a token of your SO's love but the man shouldn't have to get anything in return?  I know expensive rings aren't necessary... or any ring for that matter.  But if we're talking about the norm here, it is still the norm for the woman to receive something in exchange for a marriage proposal.
Posted by angiebear11[/QUOTE]

There is a difference between buying your FI something as a gift because you want to and buying your FI a gift because he biitched that its not fair that you got a ring and he doesn't get anything.  Thats what I was talking about. If you want to get him a signed baseball that you know he will love and cherish, thats great.. but don't do it because he has a stick up his ass because of a decision he made to give you a ring.

angiebear11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-gift-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d65b147b-fc41-4b32-b3ee-a3c919640f20Post:5ad10ef5-d1b6-4497-a45d-e370dda7f2cb">Re: Engagement Gift for Fiance?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Gift for Fiance? : There is a difference between buying your FI something as a gift because you want to and buying your FI a gift because he biitched that its not fair that you got a ring and he doesn't get anything.  Thats what I was talking about. If you want to get him a signed baseball that you know he will love and cherish, thats great.. but don't do it because he has a stick up his ass because of a decision he made to give you a ring.
Posted by Rosie109[/QUOTE]

I 100% agree. I actually starting writing that before the other posts and it wound up posting after.  So I actually wasn't replying to the other posts regarding the subject. My comment just happen to post after.

JanoBean75

FI and I didn't do an e-ring. We just decided on a date and started planning. After six years I didn't need a proposal! We did get each other gifts that we called wedding gifts. He took me to meet my favorite wrestler and got the shelves I wanted for my scrap room. I contacted the artist that does most of the artwork for one of our favorite wrestling feds and had him create our wedding portrait based on the comic cover when Peter Parker marries MJ. He freaking loved it.

mica178

My "engagement present" to my FI has been planning a kick-ass wedding.

My FI gave me the engagement ring he wanted to give me.  He never complains about the price or thinks I need to find a way to "make it up" to him.  Yeesh.

I buy FI lots of gifts when something pops up that I think he'd like.  I usually don't slap a title on the gift, it's just a gift.

MacFreitas7

Have your mother buy it for him if she wants you to get him a gift so badly...


It's not required obviously.

are you a gift giving person? are you having and engagement party?

If you're NOT having an engagement party and you're giving him a gift just because he gave you a ring that's ridiculous.

If you're having an engagement party because your mother is throwing it for you both and others are coming... then i'd get him a little something because i think that's nice and because I did that

Something small and something he'd like (I got FI an autographed Bruins hockey puck  - and then they lost...

hccpsu

I gave my fiance a flask set.... I knew there'd be times with me when he'd need it 

For a wedding present I got him a Smith gym.  I think he's used the flask more...

shauni27

rosie--i didnt mean that my fiance would not propose unless i gave him a gift--that was not it at all.  his point was that sometimes it seems like the man is always supposed to shower the woman with gifts and the guys do not always get gifts in return.  then we started talking about, and i decided as a nice gesture i would buy him a gift.  i agree with angie bear that why should i be the only one getting a shiny new beautiful thing?  so in turn, i decided to gift my hubs with a nice item, in this case a bike, because he did the same for me.  

APW2010

I know a few girls who gave their FI a big gift when they got engaged. I love the idea, whether you give something that is a token of your love for him to have (watch, cuff links, male e-ring (do men ever really want this?)) or just a gift that he will be as excited about as you are about the ring (guitar, bike, electronics). 

I saved right along with my DH and gave him his dream TV when he proposed. He teased all along that it wasn't fair for him to have to buy the big item with nothing in return (especially when I make so much more than him) and even though it was a joke,  he was right. It is nice to give something back, even if it is only symbolic. And we both really enjoy the TV, together.

maddenj

Up to you. I bought mine an amazing $3,500 sony laptop.  But, two days ago, he broke our engagement (EVERYthing was planned and all deposits will be lost) and kicked me out. 

On the flip side, it was a sweet present for him.  Maybe I should have been warned when he fingerprint password protected it and wouldn't let me use it. 

Oh well.  He proposed with a puppy. 

I"m keeping the dog.

shortee426

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-gift-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:d65b147b-fc41-4b32-b3ee-a3c919640f20Post:7026fd2a-ab96-40b8-840e-98cd595977ba">Re: Engagement Gift for Fiance?</a>:
[QUOTE]Up to you. I bought mine an amazing $3,500 sony laptop.  But, two days ago, he broke our engagement (EVERYthing was planned and all deposits will be lost) and kicked me out.  On the flip side, it was a sweet present for him.  Maybe I should have been warned when he fingerprint password protected it and wouldn't let me use it.  Oh well.  He proposed with a puppy.  I"m keeping the dog.
Posted by maddenj[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you!  At least you get to keep the puppy (seems like you got the better end of the deal on that one!)</div><div>
</div><div>As for giving gifts...I only know 1 girl who gave her FI a present when he proposed.  Partly because he proposed on HIS birthday (which is tradition in his family) and partly because she knew had a feeling it was coming so she wanted to get him a something a little bit extra special for his birthday.</div>