Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?

mandctaft

I have no idea where this should go, but figured I'd ask here.

So my FI "proposed" to me over a year ago while watching a movie and it wasn't really a proposal. It was kind of like a mutual agreement. I wish it had been more romantic, but I'm happy with my FI so I don't even care.

It took me forever to find the ring I wanted and it'll be in late January when we get it. When we get the actaul ring, my FI is insisting on taking me out to a nice dinner and proposing right. I told him he doesn't have to but he is set on doing this.

Okay, so has anyone heard about/ done this? How am I supposed to react if we're already engaged, especially if in a restaurant full of people? Help!

staceycaine

It would all be theatrical, and not real. So. Really, a lie. I don't see the point, so I can't say how you can do this.

Nickivegan

Our engagement wasn't romantic nor public nor set to fanfare nor did we have the heirloom ring. But it still was our engagement and no do ever will ever make it not.

annakb8

I think it's a little weird. I wouldn't want a do-over. Deciding to get married is a big deal, but it doesn't have to be accompanied by fancy food or champagne or the jumbotron at the nearest sports stadium or anything else. It doesn't even require a ring. Just two people making a mutual decision.

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:a819c84c-70cf-41a4-9460-9a703fce1ba6">Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I have no idea where this should go, but figured I'd ask here. So my FI "proposed" to me over a year ago while watching a movie and it wasn't really a proposal.<strong> It was kind of like a mutual agreement.</strong> I wish it had been more romantic, but I'm happy with my FI so I don't even care. It took me forever to find the ring I wanted and it'll be in late January when we get it. When we get the actaul ring, my FI is insisting on taking me out to a nice dinner and proposing right. I told him he doesn't have to but he is set on doing this. Okay, so has anyone heard about/ done this? How am I supposed to react if we're already engaged, especially if in a restaurant full of people? Help!
Posted by mandctaft[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That is pretty much how my proposal was. I loved it, honestly.  I'm not one for romantic stuff.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it would be silly to have a do over. You are already engaged. There is no need to do it again. 
</div>

Anysunrise

H did it for me. He "proposed" initially when I was turned away from the border by saying "So, you wanna get married?" and I thought he was kidding until we talked about it when we got back on the road to take me home. He came up a couple months later, asked my mom, and got down on one knee and everything with a ring (that he had already been saving for). 

Honestly, I was so devastated the first night that it was nice to have that moment together where he got to say what he really wanted and to just be happy. But if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have insisted on it, I still considered us engaged in the months between the two.

staceycaine

I'll add on to say that I came home, stressed out because my first marathon was in 2 weeks, and I had had a bad day at work. I whined. He thrust a box in my hand and said "here." I said "no, what is this? NOOOO, aren't you going to ask?" He said "you already answered a long time ago."

It was true, he was not on bended knee, and he went back to the kitchen, and finished making chicken sandwiches. The sandwiches were delicious.

I just think it's silly for any "do-over," and it's basically the same as already being married, but then going through the theatrics and having a PPD. Silly.

MyUserName1

Seems silly to me, personally.  

I would feel uncomfortable with him re-proposing for dramatic effect, and especially in a restaurant!

Maybe I would feel differently if I hadn't gotten a romantic proposal, but I don't think so.

mandydc0509

I agree with the pps. My FI proposed to be after eating a homemade taco dinner in our pajamas. He was sitting on the floor and looked up at me with the ring (I was on the couch). It was def not the "big event" that I know alot of other people plan, but it was very us, very intimate.

Just celebrate your anniversary.

eorea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:f298d198-2bc8-4cd5-b8c6-a2f7cc663fa2">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>H did it for me. He "proposed" initially when I was turned away from the border by saying "So, you wanna get married?" and I thought he was kidding until we talked about it when we got back on the road to take me home.</strong> He came up a couple months later, asked my mom, and got down on one knee and everything with a ring (that he had already been saving for).  Honestly, I was so devastated the first night that it was nice to have that moment together where he got to say what he really wanted and to just be happy. But if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have insisted on it, I still considered us engaged in the months between the two.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Aw. I actually think that is really sweet. </div><div>
</div><div>I asked H if he wanted to get married as a joke. He said yes and I thought he was joking too until we talked about it that night. 

</div>

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:bd647a0e-205b-473a-8589-59c9e0e52999">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal? : Aw. I actually think that is really sweet.  I asked H if he wanted to get married as a joke. He said yes and I thought he was joking too until we talked about it that night. 
Posted by eorea[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh it was. Like I said, I wouldn't have died without the second one, it was mostly at H's insistence. But it was pretty awful not knowing when I was going to get to see him again and that kind of ruined it for me, that night at least. </div>

StephBeanWed61502

I don't know that you need it to be a do-over, down on one knee in a public place proposal, but I do understand wanting to have a bit of a celebration.  Maybe the night the ring is ready, the two of you could go out to a nice dinner to celebrate finally having the ring?  No proposal needed, just you, your FI, and your beautiful ring.  I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a "do-over," but if you're not 100% on board with it, then this might be a good compromise.

mkrupar

My proposal was in our apartment, in bed, with no ring. I wouldn't ever change it, and I wouldn't ever have re-done it.

KellyBrian2013

Agreed with PPs... do-overs seem tacky to me. You're already engaged... so what exactly is he "proposing"?

FWIW, I did get a bended knee. However, it was in the parking lot of work in the dark with some co-workers staring while they smoked nearby. Was it what I'd envisioned? No. But I'd never ever ever consider asking FI for a do-over (or allowing him to do one) because about the result of the moment (ie: I get to marry the man that I love) rather than the moment itself.

roseofdeborah

If he is truly wanting to do a re-do of proposal why not make it something that can be captured. That way its not pointless and silly. If you have any photographer friends have them come along as you walk along somewhere romantic, and have the whole thing to where you can look back on it later. I think, as most here obviously do, that just doing it for the sake of doing it is very silly. 

OutOfTheBlue612

H did it. He had intially given me a beautiful orange sapphire ring he had designed. But then my brother gave him my grandmothers diamond because he came to the realization that it would matter more to me than to any girl he would give it to who would have never met grandma. So H had the diamond set me for me.

I suggested he just let me have the ring since we were already engaged and everyone knew we were. Plus, the first proposal was really sweet and romantic. I didn't feel a need for a do-over. I thought it was kind of silly. But he really wanted to do it. So we got all dressed up, went to our favorite french resturant and he proposed right before dessert. The funny thing is, even though I knew it was coming and we had already been engaged for 8 months I still got all tear-eyed and happy. Just something about loving him and him talking about getting married. So I didn't fake anything. I was genuinely happy, even if I thought it was a tad silly. Then I saw the look on his face. He was over the moon happy. I don't really understand why, but it was something he wanted to do, it made him happy and it didn't harm me in any way.

skantrowitz

Our proposal wasn't romantic, but it was "us" and I wouldn't redo it. I don't think you'll get much out of it. You're all ready engaged. But if he has if heart set on it, it won't hurt anything.

Nickivegan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:2f0385c2-164a-4333-8da2-c2b6231c99a5">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]My proposal was in our apartment, in bed, with no ring. I wouldn't ever change it, and I wouldn't ever have re-done it.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]


I think our brains are connected somehow today!
This is what I was trying to say ;-)

mica178

I guess I don't see the point, since you already consider yourself engaged.

NOLAbridealmost

I don't see the harm in it.  It's not like it involves other people. 

FWIW, I don't see a huge difference between OP's situation and the situation of people who have already hinted that they want a ring/want to get married before the ring and who know a proposal is around the corner.  Sure, in the one case you're actually engaged and in the other you're not, but I think it's fine in both situations to do the big proposal if that's what both people want.

Simply Fated

Yeah, I don't really see the point. I mean, you're already engaged, why do you need theatrics? Or why does he need theatrics? I think movies ruined a lot of peoples expectations. Not everything has to be a public, surprising, tear-jerking moment to make it special. Getting engaged, no matter how it comes about, is special.

Nickivegan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:b75b9c63-0dad-4961-8e08-04313a4f1c17">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I don't really see the point. I mean, you're already engaged, why do you need theatrics? Or why does he need theatrics?

I think movies ruined a lot of peoples expectations. Not everything has to be a public, surprising, tear-jerking moment to make it special. Getting engaged, no matter how it comes about, is special.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]


Very true!

But I do sorta see NOLAs point. However:
As long as you don't do a PPD wedding do-over, OP, you will be fine.

Simply Fated

I dont think what NOLA mentioned is the same as what OP is saying. NOLA means that the girl knows it'll eventually happen, but not the specifics of when or where. OP is engaged and will know the when and where of the proposal as though she planned it herself. To an extent every girl (or boy!) knows it'll eventually happen, if it's heading in that direction. But to actually be engaged and go through a do-over seems silly. Like, they're embarrassed to tell the story of how it happened to their grandkids... so they create a new story to tell. But when telling the story they leave out how it was all planned for exactly that moment.

mica178

Well said, Simply Fated.

cebrady89

I don't think it's that silly. 

You didn't get a ring the first time around, and it sounds like this is something HE wants to do. I don't see any reason he can't "propose" again - this time presenting you with the ring you love, and maybe he'll be able to say things he didn't get a chance to the first time around. 

It sounds to me like this isn't about theatrics or romantics or wanting a better story - it sounds like he just wants to propose in a more traditional way now that he has a ring.

I say do it, why not?

J&K10910

I wouldn't do it, but this isn't a hill to die on.  If he wants to do it, I don't see any  harm in letting him do it. 

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:5d183da1-c407-4aef-80d4-3cfce2f34cab">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont think what NOLA mentioned is the same as what OP is saying. NOLA means that the girl knows it'll eventually happen, but not the specifics of when or where. OP is engaged and will know the when and where of the proposal as though she planned it herself. To an extent every girl (or boy!) knows it'll eventually happen, if it's heading in that direction. But to actually be engaged and go through a do-over seems silly. Like, they're embarrassed to tell the story of how it happened to their grandkids... so they create a new story to tell. But when telling the story they leave out how it was all planned for exactly that moment.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>That's true. I didn't really consider the importance of OP knowing the exact time and place.  I just don't think it's a huge deal because it's not like a do-over PPD where you involve other people in the reenactment. </div>

OutOfTheBlue612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:2e169915-6c4a-4f0d-a0c0-b2cd3ecf4a63">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't do it, but this isn't a hill to die on.  If he wants to do it, I don't see any  harm in letting him do it. 
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

That was my thought process. Afterwards a little old lady came over to our table and told H how sweet and thoughtful his speech was. She apologized for eavesdropping but said she couldn't help herself. H had this ear to ear grin on his face and I could tell he felt like Prince Charming or some other disney character. Now that made me truly happy, to see him that happy. He indulges me plenty of times in things I know he thinks are silly but unimportant.

Simply Fated

Unless there are other people involved. In this case there aren't unless you count all the people in the restaurant lol. I just don't think a ring makes you magically more engaged than you were before. And anything he wants to say to her, he can say at anytime. Why does it need to wait until there is a bunch of people around with a ring? I know this is something he suggested, but I would say the same to him. I just don't see why there is a need for a do-over (fake) engagement, is all. I say, go out to dinner and celebrate the new sparkly jewelry and the fact that you're engaged.

mandctaft

Like I said, I'm trying to talk him out of it, because like you all have pointed out, we are already engaged. I think I'd be embarrassed. I told him if he wants to propose, he can do it in our living room, then we can celebrate, but he wants to make it super special. I have been trying to figure out a better arguement as to why he shouldn't do it. I guess I still have a month to figure it out haha.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thoughts-over-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:db03a7be-c9e1-4485-913b-ccabb4e96526Post:f19db1e6-cd8a-41d5-b4b4-85874813ea9e">Re: Any thoughts on a do-over proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Like I said, I'm trying to talk him out of it, because like you all have pointed out, we are already engaged. I think I'd be embarrassed. I told him if he wants to propose, he can do it in our living room, then we can celebrate, but he wants to make it super special. I have been trying to figure out a better arguement as to why he shouldn't do it. I guess I still have a month to figure it out haha.
Posted by mandctaft[/QUOTE]
Have you tried telling him that you already feel like it was super special? I mean, there were no balloons and confetti, but, dude, you're engaged! And I mean that in a good way. Not in the "omfg you're enagaged, get over it!" I mean it in the, "break out the champagne because you're engaged!" kind of way. That is total cause for celebration!

Out of curiousity, have you guys been telling people you're engaged? Maybe someone said something to him about it?