What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding

christinbrandon

My fiance and I are in the planning stages of our very, very small wedding.  We will marry at the courthouse and hold a dinner at a local restaurant afterwards for family and our closest friends.  

With something like this, what's the etiquette for plus ones??  Most of my friends are married or engaged, so traditional wedding etiquette says that I invite their significant others.  I feel like this is a special case, however.  Money is tight and we absolutely cannot afford to allow everyone to bring a plus one, but I don't want to offend or upset anyone.  

Has anyone out there dealt with a similar situation?  My thought was to have one on one conversations with each of my friends and tell them that I would really like them there, but we simply cannot afford to have them bring their husbands/fiances.  I want to be tactful.  Help?

C.

sparent2010

There is no way to be tactful about that. Etiquette states that guests need to be invited with their SO.

Habs2Hart

The etiquette does not change depending on guest list.  You must invite SOs of the guests you wish to invite.  They are not "+1's" when they are married, engaged or dating.  They are part of the social units.  +1's do not need to be given to truly single people. 

Megbo2012

Anyone you plan on inviting should be invited with their SO's. You can always lower the guest list again to accomodate the SO's.  

RupertPenny

The size of the wedding has no bearing on etiquette. If you invite someone you need to invite their SO. 

aragx6

A plus one is something you give to single guests. A significant other is not a plus one. There is no excuse for not inviting someone's significant other -- no matter how small your wedding is.

TaraMc728

If you invite someone who is in a realtionship, you must invite thier SO.  There is no way around it.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:c6c060eb-e541-4331-9148-cb238cdc2c7e">What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are in the planning stages of our very, very small wedding.  We will marry at the courthouse and hold a dinner at a local restaurant afterwards for family and our closest friends.   With something like this, what's the etiquette for plus ones??  Most of my friends are married or engaged, so traditional wedding etiquette says that I invite their significant others.  I feel like this is a special case, however.  Money is tight and we absolutely cannot afford to allow everyone to bring a plus one, but I don't want to offend or upset anyone.   Has anyone out there dealt with a similar situation?  My thought was to have one on one conversations with each of my friends and tell them that I would really like them there, but we simply cannot afford to have them bring their husbands/fiances.  I want to be tactful.  Help? C.
Posted by christinbrandon[/QUOTE]

You think this is a special case because you are tight on money?  Really?

christinbrandon

I'm not heartless, people.  Just asking for advice.  Perhaps I should add that I have never met some of these significant others, or met them once or twice.  Maybe that makes no difference, I just think that given the type of thing we are doing, a dinner only, not a formal reception, some allowances need to be made.

dumdumfroggie

Yeah, not a special case.  Invite SOs.

adamar15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:240b1c9e-beff-4ab9-b63f-a1c7f44d2707">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not heartless, people.  Just asking for advice.  Perhaps I should add that I have never met some of these significant others, or met them once or twice.  <strong>Maybe that makes no difference,</strong> I just think that given the type of thing we are doing, a dinner only, not a formal reception, some allowances need to be made.
Posted by christinbrandon[/QUOTE]

No, it doesn't.  It doesn't matter if you're doing a small dinner or a full blown black tie reception, SOs need to be included. 

aragx6

Nope, no allowances to make. When you host an event, you include significant others. That's essentially as basic an etiquette rule as there is.

If you can't afford to pay for the full dinner you can do pizza and beer at your house or an even cheaper option would just be to do cake and punch after the ceremony.

laurenclaire1386

Figure out the number of people you can afford to host, then invite that number of people without dividing couples. When you don't invite your closest friends' SO's, it seems like you don't consider their relationship important enough to invite them as a social unit. It's rude, no matter what size your budget and guestlist is. 

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:240b1c9e-beff-4ab9-b63f-a1c7f44d2707">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not heartless, people.  Just asking for advice.  Perhaps I should add that I have never met some of these significant others, or met them once or twice.  Maybe that makes no difference, I just think that given the type of thing we are doing, a dinner only, not a formal reception, some allowances need to be made.
Posted by christinbrandon[/QUOTE]

Nobody called you heartless.  Everyone answered the question.  You asked what the etiquette for plus ones for a small wedding.  We told you.

It makes absolutely no difference if you aren't bosom buddies with a person's SO or whether or not you can pick them out in a police line up.  You have to invite them.  It is rude otherwise.

What are you going to say?

Please come and celebrate our wedding, a time where two people become one.  Leave you're other half at home though, we can't afford to feed people we don't know that well. 

SarahPLiz

Either invite the entire couple or neither party. That should really help your budget. 

AbbeyS2011

Start your guest list like this:

Immediate family
Best Friends
Really Close Friends
Close Friends
Friends

Any and all in relationships  need either a dual invite (Mr. Smith and Miss Jones) or an invite with a plus 1.

If you have room in the budget for 20 people total, figure you and FI, and 18 guests, or 9 couples.  Then decide from there.

The rules of etiquette do not only apply to large weddings.  They are the same, no matter what the size.

kmmssg

You are in no different shoes than any other bride.  You have to figure out WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD for your guests and plan accordingly.  If you can't host everyones SO's/FI's/spouses then you are not planning correctly.

There are no special issues here.  Your circumstance is just like any other couple.  You have to invite couples whether you have met them or not, and you have to host them afterward - cake and punch is fine.  What you CAN'T do is omit your guests partners.

fergie1566

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:d2afb0e0-2c13-464a-b4fa-66b2b32b7106">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Nope, no allowances to make. When you host an event, you include significant others. That's essentially as basic an etiquette rule as there is. <strong>If you can't afford to pay for the full dinner you can do pizza and beer at your house or an even cheaper option would just be to do cake and punch after the ceremony.</strong>
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]


I have to agree.  Either you cut a couple completly or you change your plans all together.  I am a believer in determining how many poeple are coming then deciding on plans to avoid issues such as this

christinbrandon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:79528c49-c5ed-4062-b66a-04aed9c24a01">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding : Nobody called you heartless.  Everyone answered the question.  You asked what the etiquette for plus ones for a small wedding.  We told you. It makes absolutely no difference if you aren't bosom buddies with a person's SO or whether or not you can pick them out in a police line up.  You have to invite them.  It is rude otherwise. What are you going to say? Please come and celebrate our wedding, a time where two people become one.  Leave you're other half at home though, we can't afford to feed people we don't know that well. 
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

<div>Just referring to some of the snarky responses/sarcasm :)  </div><div>
</div><div>Like I said in my original post, I would have heartfelt one on one conversations with certain friends whose significant others I may not be able to include.  I realize now that that probably is not an option.  Something like this is not worth losing friends over.</div>

christinbrandon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:a57817b6-3080-47a5-8bdf-49d783bdcea1">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Start your guest list like this: Immediate family Best Friends Really Close Friends Close Friends Friends Any and all in relationships  need either a dual invite (Mr. Smith and Miss Jones) or an invite with a plus 1. If you have room in the budget for 20 people total, figure you and FI, and 18 guests, or 9 couples.  Then decide from there. The rules of etiquette do not only apply to large weddings.  They are the same, no matter what the size.
Posted by AbbeyS2011[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>This is one of the most helpful answers so far - thanks!</div>

Lambbop

Depending on the time of day you could just order a bunch of appetizers instead of full meals to cut down on costs. You can also do a small cake or something like that too.

I have a feeling if you eliminate SO's you will be inadvertently be eliminating 2 people when the one person invited is too offended to go without their uninvited SO.

Megbo2012

Well I'm glad you are going to do the right thing! Happy planning. 

christinbrandon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:5cd099a3-383d-4c6b-a2ea-0c9bda27580f">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You are in no different shoes than any other bride.  You have to figure out WHAT YOU CAN AFFORD for your guests and plan accordingly.  If you can't host everyones SO's/FI's/spouses then you are not planning correctly. There are no special issues here.  Your circumstance is just like any other couple.  You have to invite couples whether you have met them or not, and you have to host them afterward - cake and punch is fine.  What you CAN'T do is omit your guests partners.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>Just to clarify, because maybe I didn't word my original very well, I don't think I'm some special person or special case to whom the regular rules do not apply.  I'm literally just very ignorant to this type of thing.  I wondered if the "rules of etiquette" were different when you don't hold a wedding cermony at all (like we're doing, just going to the courthouse with our parents to sign the marriage certificate, etc.) and only an informal dinner, rather than a "reception".  My logic was maybe non-traditional wedding can equal non-traditional etiquette, but I understand now that that is not the case.</div>

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:7174ecba-e498-472a-b9bd-3bf7098be40a">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding : Just referring to some of the snarky responses/sarcasm :)   Like I said in my original post, I would have heartfelt one on one conversations with certain friends whose significant others I may not be able to include.  <strong>I realize now that that probably is not an option.  Something like this is not worth losing friends over.
</strong>Posted by christinbrandon[/QUOTE]

Exactly. 

christinbrandon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:c631beaf-6303-44ba-8d8d-c2712525a37d">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Depending on the time of day you could just order a bunch of appetizers instead of full meals to cut down on costs. You can also do a small cake or something like that too. <strong>I have a feeling if you eliminate SO's you will be inadvertently be eliminating 2 people when the one person invited is too offended to go without their uninvited SO.</strong>
Posted by Lambbop[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Excellent point, exactly what I want to avoid.</div>

christinbrandon

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:c0ccb035-b091-40d9-b1e6-aade9eb42ab3">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding : You ARE having a wedding ceremony.  You'll end up married at the end of it, right? The reception is the event following your ceremony where you receive your guests for the first time as husband and wife. It doesn't have to have all the bells and whistles.  A simple cake and punch event is just as much of a reception as an event that goes on for hours and has a 10 piece band.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>Touche, I suppose you're right.  It is a "reception" after all by your definition.</div>

AceTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_whats-the-etiquette-for-1s-for-a-very-small-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc17bd51-5124-4614-b51b-c69e5a29f729Post:c631beaf-6303-44ba-8d8d-c2712525a37d">Re: What's the etiquette for +1s for a VERY small wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Depending on the time of day you could just order a bunch of appetizers instead of full meals to cut down on costs. You can also do a small cake or something like that too.<strong> I have a feeling if you eliminate SO's you will be inadvertently be eliminating 2 people when the one person invited is too offended to go without their uninvited SO.</strong>
Posted by Lambbop[/QUOTE]
This exactly. A coworker of mine was invited to a friend's wedding without her husband. She declined, as did her other married friends who were invited without their husbands. It's extremely rude.

[Deleted User]

If you are married or engaged, there is NO +1 anyway.
You are a couple and the both of you would be invited.
If I, as a married lady was invited, just myself, I'd decline and think you were really dumb, or really cheap....or both.

jemmini6

Now that you've learned that you MUST invite SOs, no matter what the situation is, perhaps you can describe your budget/guest list and we can give you some advice on how to cut costs so you can accomodate everyone? 

You say you are going to a restaurant after your wedding, do they offer a limited menu for a set price?  Or perhaps you can order a buffet style meal in a private dining room at the restaurant?  Have you looked into less expensive places?  Etc.

bonge

I have to say op even though you got a bit offended it is nice that you are actually listening to advice. People on the etiquette board get annoyed after the same thing a million times over so it may come across as snotty but i promise most of it is just bluntness. I don't sugarcoat & i can come across pretty rude. Most of the time it is not my intention. My first response was going to be you are not a special snowflake but then i read how you are actually reasonable so it changed. 

How would you feel being invited without your (husband as he will be) for a dinner party where other couples will be present. The thing is some will have spouses & some won't right? If your family gets to have their spouse your friends would feel very left out even if they did come alone. It would tell them they are good enough for you to make them feel comfortable. Even if not your intentions that is how it would come across. 

I would never go to an even without my fiance, unless he could not make it. We have always been invited together. He would not go without me either unless i couldnt make it. If invited alone we wouldn't even think about it. How fun is it for me if i get to see other people with their SO while i am wishing he was beside me? I would spend my time texting him. Yes i can be without him of course but at an event with other couples i would not want to be. 

You got really good advice. The one who said invite the couples by layers is great advice. Just don't invite in teirs when people decline (the next on the list etc etc)

polichik

In Response to Re:What's the etiquette for 1s for a VERY small wedding:[QUOTE]Now that you've learned that you MUST invite SOs, no matter what the situation is, perhaps you can describe your budget/guest list and we can give you some advice on how to cut costs so you can accomodate everyone?nbsp; You say you are going to a restaurant after your wedding, do they offer a limited menu for a set price?nbsp; Or perhaps you can order a buffet style meal in a private dining room at the restaurant?nbsp; Have you looked into less expensive places?nbsp; Etc. Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]That's a good idea. The Budget Board is also awesome at helping stretch a budget. I saved a ton of money with their help. OP, I'm really glad you're going to do the right thing b