+1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?

sunnyd711

My MOH has been going back and forth for over a year about divorcing her husband. They still live together so I try to stay relatively neutral in case she decides she wants to work on her marriage. From the get-go I assumed that he would not be attending because of awkwardness.

When I asked her if she wanted me to include his name in the invite, she said "no, just put my name and expect me to bring a guest."

She's not dating anyone, and I don't want a random stand-in at my wedding. Is that bitchy? Plus, since I'll need a lot of help from her, I don't want her to feel like she has to entertain somebody who doesn't know any of the other guests.

Thoughts?

Belle2Be

My thoughts are she's your Maid of Honor and therefore likely someone very important in your life who is going through a very difficult time right now. So yes, to ME, its pretty bitchy to say "you can bring your husband who your on the rocks with or noone at all."

How much help are you going to need from her?

aggiebug

Since she is in the bridal party you should allow her to bring a guest, even if she was not in this state of almost divorce.

oh and her job is to buy a dress, stand up during the wedding and sign the marriage licence (and that is optional) so don't expect a lot from her. 

She is going through an obviously rough time, and while she will be there for you and enjoy your day, her marriage is in shambles and maybe bringing a guest will make her not so uncomfortable. 

nhelene

I'm letting my entire WP bring guests.  Like you said, she's helping you out, why would you then turn around and dictate who she can or cannot bring to your wedding.

amysmomma

I think the status of her marriage is  irrelevant when determining whether or not she gets a +1. 

Typically, you would give a guest to members of your wedding party.  Not to mention, if she's going through a divorce maybe being present at a wedding will bring back some painful memories for her, and you'll be too busy entertaining all of your guests to keep her company.  Why should she have to sit/be alone through that?

edited for grammar

sunnyd711

fair enough...I guess I was sticking a little too closely to the "in a serious relationship/ living with for +1" since we have to limit our guest list. Since she is close with my family and the rest of the guests that will be at the wedding, I didn't want people to raise eyebrows about her "date" when not everybody knows about the status of her possible divorce.

Just wanted a gut check on my reaction since I am not prone to bridezilla behavior.

wadingmoose

Let her bring a guest.  What she's going through isn't easy and it sucks going to events you would've once gone to as a couple alone.  A lot.

TheCranberry

I think you should let her bring a different guest if she wants.  Perhaps you can ask her whether she's considered that people may ask her questions if she brings a guest who is not her husband.  She may not have thought about this, and you don't want her to feel uncomfortable at the wedding because of people gossipy or asking her nosey questions.

ETA: If she doesn't care about that then I don't think you should care either.  I was just pointing out a potential for her to feel awkward.

amysmomma

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:a8cc9b26-3c0f-40c8-9663-9d7c223027d7">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait! I'm going through a similar situation. My MOH is single, but he told me she's bringing a guest, and I was really shocked. I never met the guy and I know he won't know anyelse at the wedding. <strong>The thing is, my MOH is great friends with all my other BM's, so I was planning on telling her that I'd prefer if her date came after the dinner.</strong> I think that is fair comprimise for us, and I know she won't have a problem with that.   
Posted by bullentini[/QUOTE]

Personally I would be insulted.  But that's just me.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:a8cc9b26-3c0f-40c8-9663-9d7c223027d7">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait! I'm going through a similar situation. My MOH is single, but he told me she's bringing a guest, and I was really shocked. I never met the guy and I know he won't know anyelse at the wedding. The thing is, my MOH is great friends with all my other BM's, so I was planning on telling her that I'd prefer if her date came after the dinner. I think that is fair comprimise for us, and I know she won't have a problem with that.   
Posted by bullentini[/QUOTE]

That's rude.  You can't invite someone to everything BUT the dinner.

twinkie757

Sometimes I'm glad MN is behind the times, this is not something I'd like to deal with.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:79dc6f45-27b2-4daf-b37f-38304532c825">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, don't worry if it seems rude. She's been a not-so great MOH and even apologized for it. I don't think I have a typical MOH situation. Oh, and her date wasn't invited to everything but the dinner. That would be rude.
Posted by bullentini[/QUOTE]


You were considering it though, no?  Because that's what your post said?

amysmomma

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:79dc6f45-27b2-4daf-b37f-38304532c825">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, don't worry if it seems rude. She's been a not-so great MOH and even apologized for it. I don't think I have a typical MOH situation. Oh, and her date wasn't invited to everything but the dinner. That would be rude.
Posted by bullentini[/QUOTE]

Just curious, what exactly constitutes being a not so great MOH? 

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:b67dbf33-bcd6-4862-9362-7881fb17cb98">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH? : You were considering it though, no?  Because that's what your post said?
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]


I think she meant the date is invited to come AFTER the dinner.  So I guess he'd only be there for the dancing part of the evening.

aragx6

People don't get divorced in Minnesota?

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:be4476b2-ff0b-478a-a7ff-23f8eb89cb1a">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH? : I think she meant the date is invited to come AFTER the dinner.  So I guess he'd only be there for the dancing part of the evening.
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]


Which would be specifically not inviting him to the dinner, right?  Which is what I thought/said?  I'm confuzzled.

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:84a97634-fd53-48d0-ba4e-0517e7aa2b1b">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH? : Which would be specifically not inviting him to the dinner, right?  Which is what I thought/said?  I'm confuzzled.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

I thought you meant he'd be coming to activities happening before the dinner (ceremony, receiving line, etc) but not the dinner.  I took OP to mean he'd be coming to nothing until dinner was over, which I think is weird since he'd miss almost everything and come when the party starts winding down.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_1-not-yet-divorced-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc2b3b1c-02bd-4652-bdc9-3e9713788928Post:bb1dcfff-9ca9-4db3-a6f3-abd167e79dca">Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH? : Well, my MOH simply wasn't there for me and it hurts because she's my best friend. She went through a difficult break-up a few months after I asked her to be my MOH. I know that's really tough to go through, but that was also a year and half a go. I once had to sit down with her and ask if she was comfortable being my MOH. She apologized for not being involved, but things didn't improve. We are still friends though, and my other BM's have really filled in. And for her date, she never even sent in the RSVP. She actually sent me a facebook message after the deadline. I guess that's why I don't feel like it's rude to ask her to spend time with him after the dinner. It's not a serious situation or anything.
Posted by bullentini[/QUOTE]

It sounds like you may have been expecting too much of her just because she's your MOH

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: +1 for my not-yet-divorced MOH? : Well, my MOH simply wasn't there for me and it hurts because she's my best friend. She went through a difficult break-up a few months after I asked her to be my MOH. I know that's really tough to go through, but that was also a year and half a go. I once had to sit down with her and ask if she was comfortable being my MOH. <strong>She apologized for not being involved, but things didn't improve.</strong> We are still friends though, <strong>and my other BM's have really filled in. </strong>And for her date, she never even sent in the RSVP. She actually sent me a facebook message after the deadline. I guess that's why I don't feel like it's rude to ask her to spend time with him after the dinner. It's not a serious situation or anything.
Posted by bullentini[/QUOTE]

Involved with what, though? And filled in on what? MOH and BM duties are only to get their dresses, show up on time, and stand up front with you.

It doesn't matter if they're serious or not, it's still rude to ask someone to come after the dinner. You don't invite someone to only part of the wedding festivities.

kathrynhabibti

OP, I'd definitely include a +1 for your MOH; she's going through a tough time right now. If that is her husband, great. And if not, her guest is an adult and can decide for himself if he'd be comfortable at a wedding where he doesn't know anyone. 

Plus, are you really planning on needing her help all night? So much that she wouldn't have been able to spend time with even her husband?

sunnyd711

Thank you everybody. I think I was getting so stressed out about the guest list I wasn't seeing the big picture. At the end of the day she is my best friend and I want her to still be after the wedding

catemeg

My 2 cents is that anytime you feel the need to stop and think, "Should they get a +1?" then they should get a +1.  Or you should ask.  And in this case, you asked and she said she'd bring a guest.  Thus a +1.  It's not up for you to decide who she brings.