Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question

DanielleD7782

Cliff Notes: Bridesmaid/close friend drops out of wedding party claiming financial reasons and turns around 2 months later and goes to Vegas. Do I still have to invite her even though I sent her a save the date?

About 2 months ago one of my bridesmaids sent me an email to tell me she wanted me to find a replacement bridesmaid and needed to drop out of the wedding party for financial reasons. (I did not replace her...) At the time she did not have a permanent job and claimed she cut out all extras like the gym. About 2 weeks later my fiance saw her at their gym at work and also found out from other people that she had gotten this great new job/promotion. (You have to be a full time employee and pay to use the gym at their work) Our relationship was a little tense and we basically stopped our daily phone conversations. We started talking a little bit more last week and I was feeling better about our friendship.

I sent out my save the dates last week and sent her one. I saw on her facebook page yesterday that she went to Vegas all weekend long. Doesn't really sound like she is cutting out the extras! This really bothers me that she claims she can't afford to be in my wedding and then turns around and goes to Vegas. Do I still have to invite her to the wedding? I really don't want to be friends with this girl anymore. I totally get that her priority is not my wedding...but Vegas? This hurts.

ac_in_dc

Yeah. Try not to be too hurt. If there are no other indications that she doesn't want to be friends with you, then the BM thing is probably an isolated incident, and you need to accept her "finances" justification without digging too deeply.

Even if there are other indications that she's pulling away, I'm presuming she's still your friend. PLUS you alreay sent her a save-the-date, so there's no backing out now.

ohwhynot

I honestly don't understand the issue.  So 2 months ago she dropped out, citing financial reasons, but then a couple of weeks later she gets a promotion and can now afford to go to Vegas? 

She's already out of your wedding, so what was she supposed to do - call and ask to get back in because her financial situation improved?  Wouldn't that have been terribly awkward, esp. if she may have assumed that you would replace her? I don't understand why you're hurt about this, frankly.  What am I missing? 

danieliza1127

I would be hurt too, but rather than jumping to not inviting her to the wedding, why don't you just try talking to her?  Tell her that your feelings are hurt that she dropped out of the wedding for financial reasons but then got a great job and is taking trips, and you would like to know if it was really some other reason that she dropped out.  Talk about it like adults.

DanielleD7782

I left the door open for the bridesmaid situation. I offered to pay for her dress and told her I just wanted her to be there. I told her right away that I would not be replacing her.  She got this new job and never said a word to me. Only reason we talked last week was over a mutual friend that had some guy drama going on at my work.  I just think she is a bad friend now. I really don't even want her to be there.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:a09aee23-c196-4dd5-9482-e2c789089386">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I left the door open for the bridesmaid situation. I offered to pay for her dress and told her I just wanted her to be there. I told her right away that I would not be replacing her.  She got this new job and never said a word to me. Only reason we talked last week was over a mutual friend that had some guy drama going on at my work.  I just think she is a bad friend now. I really don't even want her to be there.
Posted by DanielleD7782[/QUOTE]

Well it seems obvious to me, but maybe not to you, that financial reasons weren't the real reasons why she dropped out.  I just think if she was a good enough friend for you to ask to be in your wedding, you could at least try to talk to her and clear the air rather than just deciding she's a bad friend for not wanting to be your BM.  Some people just don't want to be BMs, but it doesn't mean they're bad friends. 

lyndausvi

If you do not want to be friends with her anymore than do not invite her.

That said there is nothing in your post that would make me come to that conclusion.  Yes I would be disappointed she dropped out.  But considering her financial situation then I think it was wise for her to backout.  Even if you left it open for her to come back, I would not have been comfortable to ask for my spot back if my situtation changed.  

betrothed123

I think you're just trying to find a way to not invite her.  I remember you posting about her shortly after she dropped out of your wedding trying to justify not inviting her.  Just send her an invitation.

evabee

I remember that earlier post as well, unless this one is just insanely similar. I think if you sent the save-the-date, you send the invitation. If she really doesn't want to be your friend she'll decline and you can walk away knowing you were an adult about the whole thing and that you gave her the benefit of the doubt.

Also, I don't know if PPs mentioned this, but she could have had that Vegas trip planned and paid for months ago. Also, sometimes people get massive discounts on their employee health insurance if they have a gym membership... this may not be the case but I think it's best not to make assumptions about her financial situation and try to make that mean something about your wedding. The last time I got a raise I came out with less spending money because I upped my payments on my school loans.

ZRex

You never know what is going on with someone else financially, nor can you tell them how to prioritize it, or expect them to prioritize it a certain way.  Being in a wedding party is really expensive what with buying a dress, shower, bachelorette, and possible travel for some or all of those events.  Maybe the poor girl really wanted to take a vacation!

I say invite her.

squirrly

There are lots of smart ladies on here with good advice.  But none of it will be accurate unless you actually talk to her and find out what's up.  Maybe she doesn't like to stand up in front of people.  Maybe she didn't like the BM dress.  Maybe she doesn't have time to go to showers and b-parties and such.  Who knows?  If you don't ask, and just write her off, I think you're doing yourself a disservice.

DanielleD7782

I know that the right thing to do is to invite her. There has to be another reason why she dropped out. I did not have a dress picked out at the time and told her she did not have to attend a shower or bachelorette party...really just show up the day of. I know I would be uncomfortable with someone else paying my way to be in their wedding so I get that.  I will invite her, but I can guarantee that our friendship will never be put back intact again.

danieliza1127

So are you just ignoring our advice to actually TALK to your friend and find out what's up?  This is getting frustrating.

sarah0725

It certainly won't be put back together if you don't talk to her about it. Why don't you want to talk to her?

smore154

I dont think she deserves an invitation, but I think you are obligated to send her one- and hope she just declines.

golden1215

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:56416c43-3fb5-43a4-8f49-953222f28eee">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE] Also, I don't know if PPs mentioned this, but she could have had that <strong>Vegas trip planned and paid for months ago</strong>. Also, sometimes people get <strong>massive discounts on their employee health insurance if they have a gym membership</strong>... this may not be the case but I think it's best not to make assumptions about her financial situation and try to make that mean something about your wedding. The <strong>last time I got a raise I came out with less spending money because I upped my payments on my school loans</strong>.
Posted by evabee[/QUOTE]

All of this.  I got laid off in December and went to an all-inclusive mexican resort at the end of Jan because it had been paid for a long time ago.  Or, depending on who she went with (e.g. fam, bf etc) they could have paid her way as a cheer me up for losing her job.

second, I pay less than a $1 per day for my gym membership because if I go enough its like 50% off from my health insurance provider.  maybe she was thinking about dropping it but decided not you because your physical fitness is important.

lastly, I make a good $20-30k more per year than any of my friends but I also have $127k in student loan debt, 2 car payments etc etc so a promotion doesnt always mean more money to play with. 

also, you didnt mention, but maybe she backed out of your wedding because it was<u><em> really</em></u> expensive.  one of my bffs weddings is getting out of control, $300 BM dress, alterations, flower girl dress for my daughter, travel expenses, showers etc.... did you ask her about her budget when you first asked her to be a BM?

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:90ae6300-ed09-4adc-872d-0c1ce851042a">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So are you just ignoring our advice to actually TALK to your friend and find out what's up?  This is getting frustrating.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

She got the same advice the first time she posted and still doesn't know why the girl dropped out so I'm going with yes, she's ignoring the advice.

baystateapple

Unfortunately, unless she tried to sleep with your FI, STD = invite.  You will look like the bad person here if you snub her by withholding the invite.  Don't presume that she won't tell people if you do -- she will, and you will come off worse than she will.  Yes, it's a hurtful situation, and I don't blame you for feeling slighted.  But if you don't try to talk to her, you will never know the reasons, and will keep feeling hurt.  Plus, if she's really as bad a friend as you're thinking right now, chances are she will end up declining the invite anyway.  And that will be a sure sign that the friendship is over.

jennandnickgetmarried

Do you know if the trip to Vegas had already been planned, or if it was an impromptu thing?

Also, do you live close to Vegas?  Or would it have required an expensive flight/hotel?

I've been to Vegas... it's entirely possible to do it for fairly cheap.  I mean, you stay in crap motels, but if you're pretty enough, you can basically drink or hang out with people without spending a ton of cash (sounds shallow, but it's true).

I'd send her an invitation.  Just because someone doesn't want to be part of your wedding party, or claims they can't afford to, doesn't mean they're not a friend.  I've spent a lot of money being part of bridal parties, and though to me it was worth it to be part of that day, it's not the same for everyone.  Or maybe this could be a red flag that you're not as close as you thought.

OR... you could talk to her   I don't like confronting people, either, though.  My passive-aggressive self would just send her an invitation and either hope she declines, or shows up so I could be super sweet to her on a day where I'd look fantabulous.

goheels05

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the Vegas trip, it's her money and she can spend it how she wants to.  I can see being annoyed, but the bottom line is it's really nobody's business but hers.

I would say just invite her.  If the frustration is mutual, which it sounds like it probably is, then she won't come anyway.  If she does come, you're going to be too busy getting married to even notice that she's there. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I would try not to be too judgemental of her finances. It really isn't your business what she does with her money. So either she thought she had better things to do with it than buy a dress, or she didn't want to cite the real reasons - time commitment, etc - as why she dropped out. Did you also think the reason she was in Vegas could be because of her new promotion? My FI is there right now and getting paid to be there because he's at a conference. He gets to bill everything, including rental car, gas, and meals, to his company.

We all have guests at our weddings who we aren't that close to. Invite her and then gradually let the friendship die afterward if you'd like.

DanielleD7782

So I sent her an email. (She lost her phone in Vegas and doesn't have a replacement yet). She said the room was free and she is still broke. Her response was really short. I told her I wasn't trying to pry in her finances at all, but I was confused about the situation.  I had a feeling confronting her on this would not go over well.

This friendship will end up being like Msmery said and it will end up dying afterwards, if not before.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:a4da6518-c6a6-4a9d-8549-07ae04d8d284">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So I sent her an email. (She lost her phone in Vegas and doesn't have a replacement yet). She said the room was free and she is still broke. Her response was really short. I told her I wasn't trying to pry in her finances at all, but I was confused about the situation.  I had a feeling confronting her on this would not go over well. This friendship will end up being like Msmery said and it will end up dying afterwards, if not before.
Posted by DanielleD7782[/QUOTE]


You confronted her on the wrong issue.  Her going to Vegas has nothing to do with you, so you should not have asked her about it at all.  I probably would have responded in a similar manner to how she did.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:a4da6518-c6a6-4a9d-8549-07ae04d8d284">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE]So I sent her an email. (She lost her phone in Vegas and doesn't have a replacement yet). She said the room was free and she is still broke. Her response was really short. <strong>I told her I wasn't trying to pry in her finances at all,</strong> but I was confused about the situation.  <strong>I had a feeling confronting her on this would not go over well. </strong>This friendship will end up being like Msmery said and it will end up dying afterwards, if not before.
Posted by DanielleD7782[/QUOTE]

Of course you are trying to pry in her finances.  Your very first post laid out the money she's spent (or you've assumed she's spent) and asked "Does this sound like someone who is trying to cut expenses?!"  You are outraged that she would deign to spend her money on a gym membership and a cheap vacation rather than on the amazing honor of being your attendant.   It sounds as if you've basically called her liar:  stating that you are "confused" as to how she could say she couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid but then spends her money on a weekend in Vegas. 

I really don't think the advice here was "Confront her.  Demand to know how she could spend the money on something other than your special day!"   As I read it, the advice was "If it really bugs you, talk to her.  Find out if there's some other reason she declined, or if you've offended her in some way." 

DanielleD7782

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:f9692278-cc0c-4269-a207-0b7648887952">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question : You confronted her on the wrong issue.  Her going to Vegas has nothing to do with you, so you should not have asked her about it at all.  I probably would have responded in a similar manner to how she did.
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

No this actually is the issue. I felt that she was lying. I know in the past she has a history of lying to people about random things. My problem was that she claimed she couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid, but she can afford to do all these other things. I completely understand her priority is not my wedding.

I'm not quite sure what issue you think I should have confronted her on? The whole point of this is that she is obviously lying to me.

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ex-bridesmaidinvite-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc5c8abe-7926-4050-9c3c-eeb78f84d5a0Post:f70b75cd-59da-4d85-930a-34ae0428c12f">Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ex-Bridesmaid/Invite Question : No this actually is the issue. I felt that she was lying. I know in the past she has a history of lying to people about random things. My problem was that she claimed she couldn't afford to be a bridesmaid, but she can afford to do all these other things. I completely understand her priority is not my wedding. I'm not quite sure what issue you think I should have confronted her on? The whole point of this is that she is obviously lying to me.
Posted by DanielleD7782[/QUOTE]

The way she spends money has nothing to do with you.  If she is lying, it's obviously because of a bigger friendship issue, which is what you should have confronted her on.  Your goal here should not be to prove that she's lying to you (which it seems like it is when you focus on the money aspect of it), but to find out why you 2 are not as close as you once were.

DanielleD7782

But I know exactly why we aren't as close. She dropped out of my wedding and is now lying to me for her reason. I know how she spends her own money is her business, but I have a right to call her out on being a liar.

betrothed123

No, you don't know why you're not as close.  There was something that precipitated her dropping out of your wedding, and apparently it was not money, so what was it?  That should be your focus.  And you don't know that she's a liar (like we told you the first time you posted and told you here in this thread).  You are assuming she's lying.  I'd drop you as a friend too if you were this clueless about interpersonal relationships.

DanielleD7782

You obviously did not read the whole point of the post. I am not trying to preserve a friendship. I wanted to know if I still had to invite her.  I KNOW she is lying. If you can afford a trip to Vegas...free room or not...you should be able to afford to be in friends wedding. The dress would have cost less than her plane ticket. So maybe there is an underlying reason that she dropped out and doesn't want to tell me about.  I've talked to her about it and she swears up and down this is the reason. So to me...this = a liar.