Should I just have 2 last names?

shoegal715

I don't know what to do. 

I'm a law student finishing up my last year of school.  I have been hired by a firm, and I start in August 2011. I'm getting married  just before my start date. I did not tell them I was getting married during the interview process (which was this past June) - I didn't feel it was relevant.

Anyway, I want to change my name, but at the same time, if I call them in April or May to work out a start date, is it weird that I say... "Oh, by the way, I'm getting married and my name is changing."  Will they not think and wonder why I didn't mention it months ago? Will I come across as a flake? 

Also, I have never admitted this to anymore, and I have a hard time admitting it / thinking it to myself, but what happens if my marriage doesn't work out? Obviously I wouldn't get married if I had even the slightest doubt, but 50% of marriages end in divorce. What if I change my name, and then it doesn't work out.  I don't want the whole world to know I'm divorced if I change my name, and then change my name back after a divorce.  I realize this thought is highly speculative and realistically not plausible... but there's always that small possibility. 

I'm also toying over the idea of legally keeping my name but assuming his name. So I'd be Shoegal maiden name at work and Shoegal married name everywhere else.  

OR another idea I had was just change my name when I have kids? Or would this look like a shotgun wedding to people / clients in my profession? 

As you can tell I'm really conflicted / not sure what to do. I'd appreciate any thoughts / feedback or advice - especially from ladies in the legal field!

Thanks!

lyndausvi

I have 2 last names and I hate it.   I should have just picked one or the other.

If I was in your case I would just keep my maiden name, but use DH's name for social situations.     Actually after 2 years of marriage, I find myself socially just using DH's name.

Simply Fated

Do you really have to tell you job about your new name beforehand? Surely it can wait until it's legal and you have to take care of all that other paperwork, anyway.

My mom kept her married name when she got a divorced. People just knew her by that name and it wasn't like it was a terrible divorce or anything. I think it depends on what you want to do and not what anyone else thinks. 

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:0036cc32-b49c-4c8c-a695-839c6366a157">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Do you really have to tell you job about your new name beforehand? Surely it can wait until it's legal and you have to take care of all that other paperwork, anyway</strong>. My mom kept her married name when she got a divorced. People just knew her by that name and it wasn't like it was a terrible divorce or anything. I think it depends on what you want to do and not what anyone else thinks. 
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yes. Setting up my e-mail account, drafting the employment contract, background check, name plate on my door, commissioner's stamp etc etc.  It would be really rude and costly for me to tell them after I'm married and it's done.

</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:e55ea954-1db0-4920-ba02-2b2c63d0f872">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I just have 2 last names? : Yes. Setting up my e-mail account, drafting the employment contract, commissioner's stamp etc etc.  It would be really rude and costly for me to tell them after I'm married and it's done.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]<div>Would you consider legally changing your name and having people refer to you by your married name outside of work, but then using your maiden name for professional purposes only?

</div>

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:a0d693f2-4413-4a36-8189-605c20721db1">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I just have 2 last names? : Would you consider legally changing your name and having people refer to you by your married name outside of work, but then using your maiden name for professional purposes only?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>I can't legally change it and then keep my maiden name at work.  Lawyers are so regulated by the law society it just wouldn't fly.</div>

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:99d92e6a-132c-4b55-8c35-e28d95a65f62">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I just have 2 last names? : I can't legally change it and then keep my maiden name at work.  Lawyers are so regulated by the law society it just wouldn't fly.
Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]
If you want to change your name, go for it and let them know. You won't sound like a flake... honestly, I think it would have sounded bad if you had told them during the interview, though. Ya know, "Thank you very much for interviewing me. By the way, I'm getting married and my name might change. Have a great afternoon!" lol<div>
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sister2groom

Agree with Milkduds. And you changing your name when you have kids would be really strange, like you were only really sure about marriage once you could no longer easily get out of it.

Also, worrying about people knowing about a divorce because of a name change is sort of silly. Most people you'd be interacting with (or at least those whose opinions you'd care about) would probably be close enough to know about it anyhow, or at least be able to figure it out when your wedding pictures disappeared from you office and things like that.

mica178

If you think you'd ever change your name, you might as well do it now, so that your name stays the same through your professional career.  It'd be far harder to keep your maiden name right now then change it in a few years when you have kids.  Trust me.  The people who take care of your email address and business cards are HR people, not law partners, and no one is going to think you're flaky for applying for the job with one name and assuming the job with a new name.

I've been practicing (medicine) for a few years, and it's been a pain changing my name, since everyone knows me by my maiden name.  I pretty much have to respond to all possible iterations of my name since my patients' family members don't know that I got married, and I don't want to waste time talking about my personal life.

tenofcups4me

I'm  fan of keeping your own name, but if you do decide to change it, I don't see anything flaky about telling work when you make all the initial arrangements. There's really no reason you would have had to mention your upcoming marriage during an interview process months ago.

I've read of people who keep their own name for work and use their husband's socially, but I've never understood it. Maybe just because so many of my friends are people I've met in a professional capacity, but I seriously can't draw a line between my personal and business life -- it's very mixed, and I'd have a very hard time keeping track of who knew me by what name!

vixey

I'm in my last year of law school too, and it is hard to not think about divorce.  All I've heard about for the last 3 years is about how high the divorce and substance abuse rate is among lawyers.  Plus I'm in a family law class and that's practically all about divorce.

FWIW, I'm getting married in September.  I'll be legally changing my last name to FIs.  That way I'll be able to start my career and build it up under my married name.  If we do divorce, I'll just keep his name (I think?).  But it is weird to have both of my degrees and bar results under my maiden name, but then start practicing with a new name.

Ready2BMrsWade

I'm facing this too in the medical field. My scrubs are just getting my FI's last name(since I am taking it) added too, so if anyone knows me by my maiden won't be so confused.

LD1970

I actually got into a fight over my name change at my last firm.  I've been a lawyer for almost 15 years and am using the new name.  Seriously, the only people who've cared, besides me, are the two female partners at my former firm who spent 45 minutes lecturing me about being a bad feminist.  They can go to hell.

shoegal715

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:96d98110-0041-4a26-99ad-dbce83b21091">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually got into a fight over my name change at my last firm.  I've been a lawyer for almost 15 years and am using the new name.  <strong>Seriously, the only people who've cared, besides me, are the two female partners at my former firm who spent 45 minutes lecturing me about being a bad feminist.  They can go to hell.</strong>
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

<div>W.T.F.  What were their arguments??</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the advice everyone.  When I call my boss in the spring I'm going to tell him my name has changed and that's that. </div>

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:96d98110-0041-4a26-99ad-dbce83b21091">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]I actually got into a fight over my name change at my last firm.  I've been a lawyer for almost 15 years and am using the new name.  Seriously, the only people who've cared, besides me, are the two female partners at my former firm who spent 45 minutes lecturing me about being a bad feminist.  They can go to hell.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow.  That's a sucky situation.  Seriously, if the most pressing issue for feminists is whether or not a woman keeps her father's last name or takes her husbands, well, then my Berkeley professor was right: the American feminist movement is an illusion in the minds of the upper middle class.  I'd say that there are about a million other issues that feminists should be concerned about over the issue of one's last name.</div>

PsyDet 2155

Can you get a DBA?  Doing business as?  I know you can get one in Michigan and that's what I plan on doing when I get into my career.  I'll go by my married name socially and my maiden name in my career.

Ash2985

I've been going through the exact same thought process, but I'm only in my second year of law school and don't have a job in that field yet, but I have established a professional career in a different field with my maiden name as it is.  I've been considering keeping both last names.  Even if I do change my last name legally, I think I'll probably still go by my maiden in my current job.

I don't think you'll come off as a flake at all if you tell them your name has changed before you start your job-- I don't find it appropriate to discuss an upcoming wedding during the interview process, particularly if your wedding isn't going to affect your work at all (as in needing time off for honeymoon, etc).

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:ef108b52-6dba-4578-85d3-ee5bd412dff6">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I just have 2 last names? : W.T.F.  What were their arguments?? Thanks for the advice everyone.  When I call my boss in the spring <strong>I'm going to tell him my name has changed and that's that. 
</strong>Posted by shoegal715[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't tell him your name has changed, since if I understood correctly it won't until right before you start, not when you're calling.  I would just say "I just wanted to let you know I will be getting married and changing my name soon before I start, and I was hoping we could just set things up now with my married name."

But honestly I think you're way overthinking this.  People have been getting married and changing names for years, and often times its after they've already worked for a company.  And I'm pretty sure if they decided not to hire because you said you got married, you could have a good law suit on your hands.

LD1970

Mica, I feel the same way.  Really?  My name is your big issue?  And I had the same point too - my maiden name is also a man's name, my father's.  So what's the big deal?

Shoegal, they said I was setting the feminist movement back 20 years, negating all that had been fought for, blah, blah, blah.  My favorite was that I'd be "losing my identity."  My response was that my identity is very well entrenched, I've got no issues with it, and you could call me "Bob" and I'd know damned well who I was.

Also, my FI's take on the whole issue seemed a LOT less oppressive.  His take was, "Oh, you're changing your name?  I'd never ask you to, but I'm happy you are."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:66af6576-29c8-46fa-b1dd-e29ee95ae79c">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]Mica, I feel the same way.  Really?  My name is your big issue?  And I had the same point too - my maiden name is also a man's name, my father's.  So what's the big deal? Shoegal,<strong> they said I was setting the feminist movement back 20 years, negating all that had been fought for, blah, blah, blah.</strong>  My favorite was that I'd be "losing my identity."  My response was that my identity is very well entrenched, I've got no issues with it, and you could call me "Bob" and I'd know damned well who I was. Also, my FI's take on the whole issue seemed a LOT less oppressive.  His take was, "Oh, you're changing your name?  I'd never ask you to, but I'm happy you are."
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

<div>What's interesting is that less women change their names now than did 20 years ago. I think 27% of women kept their names in 1990 and now it's down to 10-15%. </div>

DramaGeek

I took my husband's name under duress.  I didn't want to and had planned not to until his dad threw a hissy fit.  It was a HUGE deal to his family and I was young, so I added his last name to mine (a space, no hyphen) to appease them.  Socially I am Laura Myname Hisname.

I've never bothered to change it legally though, and I hate hate hate when people assume it's ok to call me Laura Hisname.  I'm a teacher, and it's too hard for the kids to remember both last names, so at school (and in every legal facet), I'm still Laura Myname.

Now, I've started just using Myname for everything - reservations, appointments, etc.  It's a lot easier to just have to spell one name and KNOW that's the name it's under, rather than have to guess if they put it under Myname Hisname, Myname, or Hisname (or in one case, Hisname Myname).  In fact, H has suggested I just go ahead and completely drop his last name and return to being Laura Myname all the time, in every setting.  I am considering it, though I'm not sure how that will work after 8 years of being Laura Myname Hisname.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:cf14e3a9-e29f-41dd-bdef-10349d3eccfe">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I just have 2 last names? : What's interesting is that less women change their names now than did 20 years ago. I think 27% of women kept their names in 1990 and now it's down to 10-15%. 
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
Yes, well, apparently by changing my name, I'm just ruining the whole thing.

Calypso1977

honestly, i dont get women that try to have it both ways (i.e., using maiden professionally, married socially).  i say pick a name  and stick with it across the board.   there's no right or wrong name, just go with what your personal preference is.  i think folks are more prone to confusion over what to call you when you try to have your cake and eat it too.  i kept my name and do not use my husbands name at all, and onloy had to correct 2 or 3 people who tried to give me H's name "socially".  other than that, we have had no issues or confusion.

Angrytomato

Choose whatever name you want shoegal But I would only pick one. If you're really attached to your maiden name, you could change your middle name to it

cm42878

I can not wait to take FI's last name. But then again I run an in home daycare so there is no great legal questions of what my clients call me!! I agree that you should just pick one name and stick with it, two last names could get very confusing!! Again though, my last name is spelled very differently and almost never pronounced correctly so having an easy last name might be nice for a change!

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-just-2-last-names?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dc9ea443-eaa6-4e09-908c-ad023765cb89Post:cf14e3a9-e29f-41dd-bdef-10349d3eccfe">Re: Should I just have 2 last names?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I just have 2 last names? : What's interesting is that less women change their names now than did 20 years ago. I think 27% of women kept their names in 1990 and now it's down to 10-15%. 
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I read that too.  I think it's in line with women no longer wearing ties to work.  Or women in the 80s thinking they couldn't get married and have kids without giving up on their careers.</div><div>
</div><div>I personally don't care what your last name is or what you wear to work as long as it's professional and clean.  But I do care about equal opportunities at work, teenage pregnancy, those stupid shows on tv celebrating teenage pregnancy, international women/children living in poverty without access to clean water.  </div><div>
</div><div>LD, I wonder what your feminist coworkers think of Sarah Palin and female Republicans running for office.  I have heard some "old school" feminists decry these women for being conservatives.  Since when does our gender determine our political beliefs?  I think insisting that women fall into any specific role be it career woman who keeps her maiden name vs. pregnant and barefoot woman in the kitchen is akin to oppression.  And while I dislike Sarah Palin on just about every level, I respect that politically conservative women are finding roles in the public eye.</div>

jess9802

I will have been a practicing lawyer for five years when FI and I get married, and the name change issue is sort of frustrating. It's very important to FI that I take his last name. In our personal lives, that's not an issue, and I'm happy to do it (as much as I love my maiden name). But at work, it is. I have clients, colleagues, and connections that I've been building since I was a 1L, and I have a common first name. Not all of my former clients or colleagues will necessary know that I got married. It won't be too much of an issue since I'm not likely to change firms anytime soon, at least. But I do feel like I will be losing something of my professional identity if I don't keep my maiden name in some fashion, even if it's just at work. And I know it will be a hassle for my firm, having to order all new stationery for me, changing all of our promotional brochures, etc., getting a new nameplate, updating the website, telephone directory and email system, as well as changing the signage in our lobby. 

I don't think the state bar prohibits me practicing under one last name and having a different legal last name. Right now I'm leaning toward being Jessica MaidenName HisLastName at work, if not legally. Ask me in 8 months what I actually end up doing, lol.

Calypso1977

 It's very important to FI that I take his last name.

but is it important to you?

jess9802

Yes, it's important to me that I take his name. But it's important to acknowledge my professional accomplishments as well, and especially in a career based on name recognition and the reputation you build over many years. Hence the reason I feel somewhat torn as to how I'm going to resolve the name issue.

mica178

Check to see if you can apply for a fictitious name permit, if you want to practice under your current name.

I'm Mica MaidenName HusbandsName.  It's a tough transition at work, not the least because half the time, I introduce myself by my maiden name, and also because my staff still forgets and refers to me by my maiden name.  Also, I don't have my new business cards, and while my maiden name is easy to pronounce and spell, my husband's last name is long and harder to pronounce.  It's a process, but I figure it'll all settle down in the next year or 10.  

mushE

I am an attorney as well.  I ended up hyphenating, because I liked the idea of taking DH's name, especially for when we have children, but didn't want to lose my identity.  I know that sounds dramatic, but my mom always told me growing up that she shouldn't have changed her name, becuase what had (new name) accomplished? 

Honestly, though, now I wish I'd just changed it completely, and put 'First Maiden Last' in my email signature.  People don't know how to address me with two last names.