Narrowing down the guest list

Pjephanie

Hi! My fiance and I have been working on our guest list, and right now we are about 150 people over budget! Sooo I had a few questions I thought I'd throw out there...
1. If I was invited to their wedding, do we have to invite them to ours?
2. Should we allow all of our cousins to bring dates even if they are not in serious relationships?
3. If yes, what should the age cut-off be? I was thinking only cousins over 18...or maybe 21.
4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest?
5. If we were both going to invite co-workers, do they get to bring dates? More specifically, if I invite the 9 women in my office and seat them all together, do I have to invite their husbands, boyfriends, etc.?
6. My fiance wants to invite a group of guys that he hasn't seen or talked to in about 2 years...there wasn't a fight or anything, he just moved away from the area and they've lost touch...do i tell him no, or let him invite them?
7. Is it okay to invite your A list people first, and then once you've seen how many people are not able to attend, to start inviting people off your B list?
8. My cousin recently got married and invited my great aunts and uncles. My grandparents, especially grandma, are very close with their siblings, and I know they would like if I invited them...but do I have to? That would cut 14 people.
9. Any other good ideas or suggestions on how to narrow down the guest list?
 
I want my friends and family to be there, but I don't want to worry that they are not enjoying themselves because they don't have a date or feel guilty about the friends we weren't able to invite! We are already doing other things to cut costs for the wedding, so now it's really about getting this number lowered. Any advice would be appreciated!!!

AmoroAgain

1. If I was invited to their wedding, do we have to invite them to ours?Not unless you want them there.


 2. Should we allow all of our cousins to bring dates even if they are not in serious relationships?  Only if you can afford it.  It's nice, but not mandatory.


3. If yes, what should the age cut-off be? I was thinking only cousins over 18...or maybe 21.  That's up to you, but I consider a serious relationship to be around 20.  It's arbitrary and you just have to make the decision and stick to it.

4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest?  Like, Catholic priests?  I'm going for no? on this but it's weird.  Probably relates more to the "if they're not in a relationship" clause.


5. If we were both going to invite co-workers, do they get to bring dates? More specifically, if I invite the 9 women in my office and seat them all together, do I have to invite their husbands, boyfriends, etc.?  Anyone you invite who is in a serious relationship (long term, living together, engaged, married) gets invited together.


6. My fiance wants to invite a group of guys that he hasn't seen or talked to in about 2 years...there wasn't a fight or anything, he just moved away from the area and they've lost touch...do i tell him no, or let him invite them?  If he seriously wants them there, then it's not within your rights to tell him no.


7. Is it okay to invite your A list people first, and then once you've seen how many people are not able to attend, to start inviting people off your B list? Terrible idea.  It rarelly works out.

8. My cousin recently got married and invited my great aunts and uncles. My grandparents, especially grandma, are very close with their siblings, and I know they would like if I invited them...but do I have to? That would cut 14 people.No, you don't have to.  Good lord.  You're way overthinking this.


 9. Any other good ideas or suggestions on how to narrow down the guest list?   I want my friends and family to be there, but I don't want to worry that they are not enjoying themselves because they don't have a date or feel guilty about the friends we weren't able to invite! We are already doing other things to cut costs for the wedding, so now it's really about getting this number lowered. Any advice would be appreciated!!!

Who do you want to be there?  Who would you miss most?  That's all.

starla827

1. If I was invited to their wedding, do we have to invite them to ours?
No
2. Should we allow all of our cousins to bring dates even if they are not in serious relationships?
No
3. If yes, what should the age cut-off be? I was thinking only cousins over 18...or maybe 21.
N/A
4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest?
It's nice to give people +1, but not required
5. If we were both going to invite co-workers, do they get to bring dates? More specifically, if I invite the 9 women in my office and seat them all together, do I have to invite their husbands, boyfriends, etc.?
You should really invite people who are in a serious relationship with their partner.  Honestly, I am just not inviting any co-workers to try to keep my list down, you might want to consider that too.
6. My fiance wants to invite a group of guys that he hasn't seen or talked to in about 2 years...there wasn't a fight or anything, he just moved away from the area and they've lost touch...do i tell him no, or let him invite them?
You can't "tell" him no, but you guys need to talk about how important it is for these people to be invited vs. how important it is to cut down your guest list
7. Is it okay to invite your A list people first, and then once you've seen how many people are not able to attend, to start inviting people off your B list?
It's pretty rude, and a lot of people would be offended to be on the B list.  The only way this works is if ALL the B list people do not know the A list people.  So, for example, if you have all your coworkers on the B-list.  Once you have enough declines to invite all the coworkers, their invitations go out.
8. My cousin recently got married and invited my great aunts and uncles. My grandparents, especially grandma, are very close with their siblings, and I know they would like if I invited them...but do I have to? That would cut 14 people.
It really depends on how strongly your grandparents feel about it and how much you care whether or not they will be disappointed.  Just because they were invited to your cousins wedding does not mean they need to be invited to yours, but it might cause some hurt feelings.
9. Any other good ideas or suggestions on how to narrow down the guest list?
Really think about who is the most important for you (and your parents especially if they are paying).  Don't just invite people out of obligation.  

akhensley81

Haha Amoro, outstanding use of the copy/paste features there.

quotequeen

1.  No.
2.  You don't have to invite single people with dates but it can be messy to determine who is in a "serious relationship."  If they're dating somebody you should let them bring that person.
3.  If you are giving everyone a date, then the cutoff should be when they receive their own invitation (either they are 18+ or live away from their parents).
4.  If you are giving everyone a date, then yes.  Otherwise, no.
5.  You don't have to invite single people with dates, again, but husbands and long-term boyfriends are mandatory even if you're inviting a group of coworkers.
6.  You need to cut down your guest list to be within budget.  Ask your FI how important these people are, and if he wants to keep them, who he will be cutting instead.
7.  No.
8.  No, you don't have to invite them.
9.  Rank people by importance to you in having them there, and cut the people that fall below the line.

ehathewa

1.  No
2.  No.  You need to invite an "& guest" if the person is in a serious relationship (several months, engaged, married).  Otherwise it is just nice. 
3. 18
4.  Will they know other people there?  If they don't know anyone else, then it would be very nice to include and guest.
5. Yes.  You need to invite an "& guest" if the person is in a serious relationship (several months, engaged, married)
6. See where the guest list is and have a talk with your FI
7. A and B lists are rude.  I would avoid this at all costs.
8. How well do you know them?  Will it start a family fight?
9. ?

mgietler76

1. If I was invited to their wedding, do we have to invite them to ours? NO RULES REGARDING THIS
2. Should we allow all of our cousins to bring dates even if they are not in serious relationships? ONLY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE PLUS ONES
3. If yes, what should the age cut-off be? I was thinking only cousins over 18...or maybe 21. ENTIRELY UP TO YOU
4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest? YES
5. If we were both going to invite co-workers, do they get to bring dates? More specifically, if I invite the 9 women in my office and seat them all together, do I have to invite their husbands, boyfriends, etc.? YOU HAVE TO INVITE SO’S SAME RULES APPLY AS WITH FAMILY, SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS GET +1’S
6. My fiance wants to invite a group of guys that he hasn't seen or talked to in about 2 years...there wasn't a fight or anything, he just moved away from the area and they've lost touch...do i tell him no, or let him invite them? HE CAN INVITE WHO HE WANTS, AS CAN YOU. IF YOU DON’T THINK IT MAKES SENSE TALK TO YOUR FI
7. Is it okay to invite your A list people first, and then once you've seen how many people are not able to attend, to start inviting people off your B list? DO NOT HAVE A B LIST THEY ARE EXTREMELY TACKY
8. My cousin recently got married and invited my great aunts and uncles. My grandparents, especially grandma, are very close with their siblings, and I know they would like if I invited them...but do I have to? That would cut 14 people. ARE YOU CLOSE TO THEM?
9. Any other good ideas or suggestions on how to narrow down the guest list? CUT IN OTHER PLACES BESIDES THE GUEST LIST. MAKE A LIST OF EVERYONE YOU WANT AND TALLY UP THE COSTS, THAN CHOOSE A VENUE YOU CAN AFFORD WITH ALL THE GUESTS YOU WANT. I REALLY HATE PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE TO CUT GUESTS INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR WAYS TO ACCOMIDATE ALL FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:dc4fa076-0bce-490d-89e4-d1ebe70ff081">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Narrowing down the guest list : I agree with you on everything except for this one....in the magazine version of TK, someone asked this; the response was this (paraphrasing):  if multiple co-workers are being invited then, no, you don't have to invite SO's....they will know each other and have someone to soicalize with.  If you were only inviting ONE co-worker then you would then allow them to bring a guest so they have someone to talk to.  My two cents....where do you draw the line with co-workers SO's?  I mean, do you define that as marrieds? living togethers? dating for 1+ year? etc.  I would either invite all of them with +1's or none of them...but that's just me! :-)
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Even with co-workers, you invite them as a social unit- if they are engaged, married, or in a serious relationship.  I would not be happy if I was invited to a CW's wedding without my husband.

FutureMrsTR

Looks like I picked the unpopular thread, no surprise there.  C&P:

1. If I was invited to their wedding, do we have to invite them to ours?  No, weddings are not tit for tat.

2. Should we allow all of our cousins to bring dates even if they are not in serious relationships?  You don't have to, but keep the rule the same for all singles.

3. If yes, what should the age cut-off be? I was thinking only cousins over 18...or maybe 21.

4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest?  I would keep this rule the same as any other singles.

5. If we were both going to invite co-workers, do they get to bring dates? More specifically, if I invite the 9 women in my office and seat them all together, do I have to invite their husbands, boyfriends, etc.?  If they're in a serious relationship, yes you have to invite their significant other.

6. My fiance wants to invite a group of guys that he hasn't seen or talked to in about 2 years...there wasn't a fight or anything, he just moved away from the area and they've lost touch...do i tell him no, or let him invite them?  Let him invite them, it's his wedding too and it sounds like you're inviting 9 women from your office.

7. Is it okay to invite your A list people first, and then once you've seen how many people are not able to attend, to start inviting people off your B list?  No, not at all.

8. My cousin recently got married and invited my great aunts and uncles. My grandparents, especially grandma, are very close with their siblings, and I know they would like if I invited them...but do I have to? That would cut 14 people.  We didn't invite great aunts & uncles or even first cousins on my H's side.  Just make sure you're inviting in circles (first cousins, second cousins, etc) and include everyone in that circle.  But you know your family best and if it will cause trouble, it's probably best to invite them.

9. Any other good ideas or suggestions on how to narrow down the guest list?
Don't invite 9 women from work (plus their significant others).  Unless you hang out socially with these women and are genuinely good friends, I'd invite the great aunts & uncles over them.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:dc4fa076-0bce-490d-89e4-d1ebe70ff081">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Narrowing down the guest list : I agree with you on everything except for this one....in the magazine version of TK, someone asked this; the response was this (paraphrasing):  if multiple co-workers are being invited then, no, you don't have to invite SO's....they will know each other and have someone to soicalize with.  If you were only inviting ONE co-worker then you would then allow them to bring a guest so they have someone to talk to.  My two cents....where do you draw the line with co-workers SO's?  I mean, do you define that as marrieds? living togethers? dating for 1+ year? etc.  I would either invite all of them with +1's or none of them...but that's just me! :-)
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

TK is wrong.  It is absolutely a breach of etiquette not to invite somebody's husband, fiance, or live-in boyfriend.  Other relationships come into line-drawing issues.  But the former is absolutely not debatable if you are interested in actually following etiquette.

The line-drawing problem, though, is in no way specific to co-workers so whether they are co-workers or not has no bearing on this question.

quotequeen

2.  No.  You need to invite an "& guest" if the person is in a serious relationship (several months, engaged, married).  Otherwise it is just nice.

If the person is in a serious relationship, you DO not invite the person "and guest."  You invite the SO by name.

jesibel14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:ffe38f9a-0630-4fac-b2e1-b3c3bf04194f">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE] 4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest? <strong>If they are in relationships, yes. Otherwise, I think it would be OK not to invite a guest.</strong> [/QUOTE]

This made me chuckle like a 5 year old. 

lilianne22

1) No
2 & 3) That's up to you.  We are only including guests for those on our list that have a S/O (and S/O in this case includes long term relationship/engaged/married).  We don't have an age limit on this.
4) If you go with the S/O only rule then no.  Otherwise you can let them bring a guest if you'd like.

5)  If your co-workers have a S/O, then yes you need to invite them.

6)  That's up to you and your FI.  If it's important to him that they be there and you have the space then invite them.

7)  No.  I think A and B lists are quite tacky.  Also you run the risk of people finding out they are on your B list, not cool.

8)  Just because your cousin invited them doesn't mean you HAVE to invite them.  If it is important to you and your FI that they are there then invite them.

9)  Sounds like you have pretty good ideas on how to possibly slim down your list.  GL

baystateapple

1. If I was invited to their wedding, do we have to invite them to ours?
No.  Weddings are not tit for tat. 

2. Should we allow all of our cousins to bring dates even if they are not in serious relationships?
You don't have to.  It would be nice, however, if they have to travel, to allow them to bring someone.

3. If yes, what should the age cut-off be? I was thinking only cousins over 18...or maybe 21.
That's fine.

4. This one might be out there...but we have 2 family friends that are priests...do they get to bring a guest?
I am in this same situation.  No, the priests do not need to have guests.

5. If we were both going to invite co-workers, do they get to bring dates? More specifically, if I invite the 9 women in my office and seat them all together, do I have to invite their husbands, boyfriends, etc.?
Yes.  People in long-term relationships should be invited with their SOs.  Especially husbands and wives.

6. My fiance wants to invite a group of guys that he hasn't seen or talked to in about 2 years...there wasn't a fight or anything, he just moved away from the area and they've lost touch...do i tell him no, or let him invite them?
I would ask him why is is so important that these guys he's fallen out of touch with are invited.  Perhaps you can talk him out of it.

7. Is it okay to invite your A list people first, and then once you've seen how many people are not able to attend, to start inviting people off your B list?
A Lists/B Lists are rude.  Narrow it down to the number you can invite, and then invite them.  Don't add guests when the "no" RSVPs come in.

8. My cousin recently got married and invited my great aunts and uncles. My grandparents, especially grandma, are very close with their siblings, and I know they would like if I invited them...but do I have to? That would cut 14 people.
I am not inviting my great aunts or uncles.  It depends on how close you are to them.  Are these people that you see every holiday or come over frequently, or do they not even know your FI's name?  If it's the former, you might want to invite them.  If it's the latter, I think you can feel free to skip them.

9. Any other good ideas or suggestions on how to narrow down the guest list?
If you decide not to invite cousins, that should be ALL cousins.  Same with great aunts/uncles, people under age 18, etc. 

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:dc4fa076-0bce-490d-89e4-d1ebe70ff081">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Narrowing down the guest list : I agree with you on everything except for this one....in the magazine version of TK, someone asked this; the response was this (paraphrasing):  if multiple co-workers are being invited then, no, you don't have to invite SO's....they will know each other and have someone to soicalize with.  If you were only inviting ONE co-worker then you would then allow them to bring a guest so they have someone to talk to.  My two cents....where do you draw the line with co-workers SO's?  I mean, do you define that as marrieds? living togethers? dating for 1+ year? etc.  I would either invite all of them with +1's or none of them...but that's just me! :-)
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

TK is not the Etiquette Bible.  If you feel you know your coworkers well enough to invite them to your wedding, you should know their relationship situation.  And your cut-off should be the same as any other person at the wedding.  For me, that would be a serious relationship which we didn't define by time, but by where we knew the couple to be.

mgietler76

I am also inviting several co-workers and wouldn't even think of not including their SO's

lyndausvi

 150 people is a lot to cut. It sounds like you need a bigger chunk of people to get rid of than a few plus ones for some cousins, co-workers and, of course the priest in a relationship.

I would start at looking at a groups of people to get rid of.  Co-workers, 2nd or 3rd cousins, parents friends, old neighbors, etc. 

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:ccf48dd1-a01d-4c02-bade-24e178513898">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Narrowing down the guest list : And thank goodness there is no Etiquette Police, either...lol. I do find it ironic that, as brides, we are very careful to follow proper etiquette...and yet, you send out invites and people start addng their own guests, or their uninvited children, etc....sheesh!
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

I usually assume that these are the people who haven't planned a wedding before, haha. 

texagj

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:fc28bb75-3033-4ecf-9509-8b896c43bbd0">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Narrowing down the guest list : <strong>TK is not the Etiquette Bible.</strong>  If you feel you know your coworkers well enough to invite them to your wedding, you should know their relationship situation.  And your cut-off should be the same as any other person at the wedding.  For me, that would be a serious relationship which we didn't define by time, but by where we knew the couple to be.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Ha, this made me laugh :)

AmoroAgain

I was going to say that the coworkers are pretty unnecessary to invite. 

texagj

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:19f9b5f2-1fd1-43e4-9c66-997d30feec55">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]I was going to say that the coworkers are pretty unnecessary to invite. 
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I agree, I mean when you have so much family that your thinking you need to invite than you might not want to worry about your co-workers so much. Unless they are like your closest friends or something but i'm assuming if they were you would have called them that and not co-workers.

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_narrowing-down-guest-list-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dd7c59dc-b08d-43ea-993c-9ad234a6dc79Post:19f9b5f2-1fd1-43e4-9c66-997d30feec55">Re: Narrowing down the guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]I was going to say that the coworkers are pretty unnecessary to invite. 
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Yeah, this too.

andy71781

I agree - if you are looking to cut 150 people I'd start with co-workers.  Actually I'd start looking for another venue but that's just me.

AmoroAgain

Nah.  No way Andy.  It sounds like she's just inviting anyone and everyone in the over-excitement of wedding planning.

JanoBean75

Anyone who is already on your B list should not be invited if you're 150 people OVER your budget. The B list is not really meant to fill in for the A listers that can't make it. It's really just a way to narrow down who is important enough to invite. And if you're 150 people over your budget, you'd need a helluva lot of declines before you could get to them. If you send your invitations out 6-8 weeks ahead (when you're supposed to), there is not enough time to receive that many declines and send out new invitations. Logistically it won't work. Always plan on 100% attendance.

The first half of reply cards we got were 95% accepts. The latter half, those that arrived closer to our final date or after the deadline were half declines.