Wedding Etiquette Forum

Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT

I posted a while ago about being positive my FI's ex was intending to crash our wedding.  She was.  I am going to give some backstory, again for some of you, so the current vent makes sense.

We invited FIs daughter to the wedding.  Their relationship is strained, so we were not really expecting her attendance.

She RSVP'd that she would be attending with a +1.  We did not invite +1's, we invited all guests by name, and truly single guests without companions.  When we asked who the +1 was, she replied that it was her mother.  The entire family is estranged from the daughter because the mother took her, had her adopted, and threatened people with restraining orders if they contacted her or the daughter (thats the short version) and we told hte daughter that while we understood wanting to bring someone with her as her husband could not attend, we were not ok with the mom attending, just too much opportunity for unresilved feelings.  Our wedding would have been the first time anyone had seen the mom or FI's daughter in 15 years.  So, the daughter said if mom was not attending she would not either.  We told her we would miss her and would put her down as a no.

So, this happened Sunday.  Today, the mom emails via FB my FFIL.  She tells him that she is not invited, that because she is not invited that her daughter with my FI will not be attending.  She then asks if he has any hard feelings against her.  If she had stopped there, I would not be so furious.  But of course she did not.  She then instructed him to tell my FI and I how much we were hurting people by our decision and also told him that he needed to tell us that she needed to be invited.

He did no such thing...in fact, he called my FI and told him about the email.  He is not going to reply.

My question...WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN????   How many times does she need to be told she is not welcome?!?!  She was never invited, when the daughter put her as a +1 she was out there in place of the daughter's husband, not a generic +1.  We told the daughter the mom was not invited.  She OBVIOUSLY knows this as she asked my FFIL about how he felt and used the exact reasons we put in the refusal to allow her to come.

I am ready to send her an invitation with the names, dates, and times blanked out so she knows she is NOT welcome.  Yes, I am kidding, but she seems unable to figure out that she is not welcome no matter who she calls, emails, contacts. bribes, pleas with, or begs!!!

I just don't understand having so little self respect as to keep trying to put yourself in a place you are not wanted.

Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT

  • She's an attention whore.  Don't let her get to you.  She's trying to upset you, and if she does SHE WINS.  Don't let her win.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:9736dafc-3255-414d-811b-c0f298cf0122">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's an attention whore.  Don't let her get to you.  She's trying to upset you, and if she does SHE WINS.  Don't let her win.
    Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

    <div>Not letting her win.  So not.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:3c0f0142-4965-420c-a7de-27de8150a816">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]You should not be dealing with this at all.  This is a job for your FI.  It is up to him to tell his ex-wife that she is not welcome at your wedding.  Do not do anything that might leave you open to criticism, either by the daughter or the ex-wife. Tell your FI to get busy.  If he doesn't want to stand up for you, then I would seriously reconsider the whole marriage idea.  Red alert!
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    <div>He is.  The response to the daughter;s RSVP (which was sent to me via FB actually) was from him. ..Ijust added him to the conversation to allow him to send it. His dad called him today to discvuss the email he received, I was not present for the conversation...heard about it after the fact.</div><div>
    </div><div>Didn't mean to give the impression I was dealing with it alone.  I am not.  I just am so amazed, and horrified, that this woman seems so hell-bent on coming to the wedding.  And I just dont understand why she even wants to!!!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:3c0f0142-4965-420c-a7de-27de8150a816">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]You should not be dealing with this at all.  This is a job for your FI.  It is up to him to tell his ex-wife that she is not welcome at your wedding.  Do not do anything that might leave you open to criticism, either by the daughter or the ex-wife. Tell your FI to get busy.  If he doesn't want to stand up for you, then I would seriously reconsider the whole marriage idea.  Red alert!
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]



    Nothing she wrote indicates he is not standing up for here. There is no alert. Of any color.
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  • She's obviously jealous and wants to make both of you feel uncomfortable. Definately have your FI deal with her.
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  • edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:580ab5d9-011b-439b-a473-2cd9bc101532">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT : Nothing she wrote indicates he is not standing up for here. There is no alert. Of any color.
    Posted by afeliz79[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Thanks.  I didn't think I gave that impression....</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:5bedd79b-c8f3-472e-8598-afce09e166ea">Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE] She then instructed him to tell my FI and I how much we were hurting people by our decision
    Posted by TheWeddingBunny[/QUOTE]

    If people haven't seen her daughter in 15 years what's stopping her from visiting them?  Weddings aren't the only time family can get together!  She is making crap up obviously.  Unless she is crazy, I doubt she would show up to the wedding.  A normal person would not want to embarrass themselves by making a scene at a wedding they weren't even invited to.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:580ab5d9-011b-439b-a473-2cd9bc101532">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT : Nothing she wrote indicates he is not standing up for here. There is no alert. Of any color.
    Posted by afeliz79[/QUOTE]
    This.  Not every situation translates to "The guy isn't backing you and therefore you shouldn't marry him."  Slow your roll, CMG.
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  • You realize that this has nothing to do with you correct?  This is another ploy on her end to control the situation at the expense of her daughter.  That's her only bargaining tool.  She has seriously mindfucked the daugther about her dad and continues to do so.  She probably put the daughter up to the +1 and she probably made the daughter say that she would not attend w/o her mother.  The daughter doesn't realize she's just a pawn to once again get back at dad for no reason. 

    The lady needs help to let go of whatever it is she can't let go of.  The daughter is stuck in her game and it's easier to listen to the mother's lies than to question them.

    It's a shiitty situation but there's nothing you can do about it.  The daughter is grown (I'm assuming since you said she was married), there's nothing you can do about it. 
  • I can think of a few things to call the exwife. Nutjob, whackadoodle, twatwaffle, thundercunt...
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:0b92153c-adb0-4978-b779-5fa72d3d2975">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]You realize that this has nothing to do with you correct?  This is another ploy on her end to control the situation at the expense of her daughter.  That's her only bargaining tool.  She has seriously mindfucked the daugther about her dad and continues to do so.  She probably put the daughter up to the +1 and she probably made the daughter say that she would not attend w/o her mother.  The daughter doesn't realize she's just a pawn to once again get back at dad for no reason.  The lady needs help to let go of whatever it is she can't let go of.  The daughter is stuck in her game and it's easier to listen to the mother's lies than to question them. It's a shiitty situation but there's nothing you can do about it.  The daughter is grown (I'm assuming since you said she was married), there's nothing you can do about it. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    ^This was said so perfectly.  If you think about how miserable she is making all of you, think about what the daughter has been through he whole life.  Don't take her bait.  Make sure the daughter knows she is invited without the mom and move on. Out of curiosity, why can't the daughter bring her husband?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:0b92153c-adb0-4978-b779-5fa72d3d2975">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]You realize that this has nothing to do with you correct?  This is another ploy on her end to control the situation at the expense of her daughter.  That's her only bargaining tool.  She has seriously mindfucked the daugther about her dad and continues to do so.  She probably put the daughter up to the +1 and she probably made the daughter say that she would not attend w/o her mother.  The daughter doesn't realize she's just a pawn to once again get back at dad for no reason.  The lady needs help to let go of whatever it is she can't let go of.  The daughter is stuck in her game and it's easier to listen to the mother's lies than to question them. It's a shiitty situation but there's nothing you can do about it.  The daughter is grown (I'm assuming since you said she was married), there's nothing you can do about it. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
    This.  The best thing you can do is have a fantastic wedding.  The happier you are the better.  Then send the ex an announcement card with a pic of a huge smile on you and H's face. Ok maybe that's too much.  But it's obvious that your FI won't let his daughter's inability to see how her mom is using her affect him so you shouldn't either.  I don't think it's a bad idea to have your FFIL or someone keep an eye out though in case his ex tries to come and if so you can have someone at the venue promptly escort her out if you so choose.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:572838e1-3587-43f7-a0fa-b01c670a1c2d">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can think of a few things to call the exwife. Nutjob, whackadoodle, <strong>twatwaffle, thundercunt...
    </strong>Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

    My two new favorite insults.  Thank you!!!!!
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  • She sounds very jealous of your happiness. Clearly you could make it work with this man, where she couldn't. Some women can't handle this fact. It makes it seem like the problems were with them in their marriage. And, from the sounds of how she acts, this is probably the case. I'd have your FH speak with the daughter and get her to understand that she is welcome without the Mother and it is her choice if she comes or not. Have someone watch for the ex wife on the day of your wedding.

    In the meantime, stop thinking about her. Focus on your wedding. You don't want to look back at your engagement and see nothing but this cruel woman and if that's all you keep focusing on, that's what is going to happen. You have 16 days!! Soak it all up and then walk down the aisle towards your new life!!!

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:0b92153c-adb0-4978-b779-5fa72d3d2975">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]You realize that this has nothing to do with you correct?  This is another ploy on her end to control the situation at the expense of her daughter.  That's her only bargaining tool.  She has seriously mindfucked the daugther about her dad and continues to do so.  She probably put the daughter up to the +1 and she probably made the daughter say that she would not attend w/o her mother.  The daughter doesn't realize she's just a pawn to once again get back at dad for no reason.  The lady needs help to let go of whatever it is she can't let go of.  The daughter is stuck in her game and it's easier to listen to the mother's lies than to question them. It's a shiitty situation but there's nothing you can do about it.  The daughter is grown (I'm assuming since you said she was married), there's nothing you can do about it. 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Stack nailed it right to the wall here.  Take her post and use it - it is all you need.</div><div>
    </div><div>Evil ex is only doing what she has been doing for 15+ years.  She isn't acting any differently, she is trying to manipulate, control, and manhandle your wedding.  From here on out, ignore everything and accept that the daughter won't be there.  The daughter is adult and CAN make her own decisions, but her mother has poisoned her mind for her entire life.  By ignoring her emails and accepting that the daughter won't be there, you will be stopping the ex's manipulations.

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:4693660c-0d9f-40c0-85dd-2f3b3f0ffb50">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE] I'd have your FH speak with the daughter and get her to understand that she is welcome without the Mother and it is her choice if she comes or not. 
    Posted by lcatterton[/QUOTE]

    <div>THIS!  FI does need to have a sit-down (or at least some type of private conversation, no listening ears or whatever crazy stuff said Ex might be up to) with his daughter.  Explain that he does want her there, is sorry that she is in the middle of a sucky situation, but will understand if she prefers to stay at home to "appease" the wild beast from trampling about.</div><div>
    </div><div>Sounds like you have support from both him & his family, and I'm sure if anything happens (god forbid) on the day-of, they will do their best to shield you & your mister from it and diffuse it.  But good vibes being sent your way for some calm & relaxation, just a little over two weeks to go!  Congrats!</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:572838e1-3587-43f7-a0fa-b01c670a1c2d">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can think of a few things to call the exwife. Nutjob, whackadoodle, twatwaffle, thundercunt...
    Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE
    <div>I like the last one the most.</div><div>
    </div><div>Thanks for the laugh.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:4741145e-b2a8-4f0a-9d55-285f78f0bfca">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT : ^This was said so perfectly.  If you think about how miserable she is making all of you, think about what the daughter has been through he whole life.  Don't take her bait.  Make sure the daughter knows she is invited without the mom and move on. Out of curiosity, why can't the daughter bring her husband?
    Posted by Gatorsgirl731[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Supposedly his classes are really rough this semester (he is a Junior and a MEchanical Engineering Major) and as they are at a college about 2 hours away from home, I am guessing they were thinking of making it a weekend trip.</div><div>
    </div><div>Why he can't go now that mom is clearly not invited?  No clue.  Probaby trying to stay the hell out of it, would be my guess.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rudei-dont-even-know-what-to-call-hervent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:dda5ce90-598d-422d-9d49-bdc545535cbcPost:220dd2d4-509e-4ace-9bfa-cc8db947275a">Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude...I don't even know what to call her...VENT : THIS!  FI does need to have a sit-down (or at least some type of private conversation, no listening ears or whatever crazy stuff said Ex might be up to) with his daughter.  Explain that he does want her there, is sorry that she is in the middle of a sucky situation, but will understand if she prefers to stay at home to "appease" the wild beast from trampling about. Sounds like you have support from both him & his family, and I'm sure if anything happens (god forbid) on the day-of, they will do their best to shield you & your mister from it and diffuse it.  But good vibes being sent your way for some calm & relaxation, just a little over two weeks to go!  Congrats!
    Posted by awesomeryl[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Thanks.  I am excited.</div><div>
    </div><div>And I do have support from a lot of people.  The crazy ex, since I posted this, sent a FB message to every member of the family she could think of asking if they have issues with her and asking to be allowed to take the daughter to the wedding.  The word choice of "take" was telling...she wants control.</div>
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